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Original poster

Regarding dc calling Dh dad after 8 years

125 replies

Slavetolove · 28/02/2022 08:05

My 2 older dc (14 and 12) have nothing to do with their biological dad. He walked out of there lives 7 years ago.

Iv been with my Dh for 8 years. Dh does absolutely everything for them. Provides financially, emotionally & everything else. They absolutely adore him. Dd & Dh are literally best friends. They call him dad.

My sister refuses to call him dad because “he isn’t their dad”. So when she asks the kids something like “are they from mum and Tim” instead of mum and dad. It really upsets my dc.

OP posts:
youdoyoutoday · 28/02/2022 08:08

Your sister should call him dad as the kids do and especially if it upsets the kids if she doesn't. However it sounds like shes not not going to to prove some weird point about it.

ivykaty44 · 28/02/2022 08:13

Have a word with your sister and explain if she continues she will be seen by her niece and nephew as difficult and unkind d aunt by them not you and if that’s the type of relationship she is wanting to create then fine, but if not think about changing her ways

ohhooh · 28/02/2022 08:15

Your sister is fine to call him what she wants (within reason obviously 😂) - My mum always called my cousins dad by his name, but her sister "mum" to them.

I'd wonder why does it actually upset them? People have different names to different people - he's still "Tim" and a person even if they refer to him as Dad. Is it not worth explaining that to them if you haven't already?

Original poster
Slavetolove · 28/02/2022 08:15

I said today that it upsets them after they FaceTimed and she replied that “he’s not their dad and she doesn’t feel comfortable saying it”. I have no idea why.

OP posts:
ilovepuppies2019 · 28/02/2022 08:19

It is quite normal for different people to use different names. You might call your Mum 'Mum' but the DC call her grandma? If it's bothering the DC though then I would tell her more firmly that that is his title in your hours and would she please use it. Is your sister Auntie [first name]? If so then maybe ask her how she would feel if the kids only used her first name. It's normal to feel a bit strange about adding a title like grandma [name] when you're not used to it. If she practices then she'll get used to it. Deciding that she won't do it because they are not her dad is not fair thought. That's not her decision.

MzHz · 28/02/2022 08:25

@Slavetolove

I said today that it upsets them after they FaceTimed and she replied that “he’s not their dad and she doesn’t feel comfortable saying it”. I have no idea why.
But she’s correct! He isn’t their dad and there is something slightly weird about it that you’re bothered and worse that your allowing the kids to be bothered - that’s if they really are - mostly when we hear this kind of thing said it’s as a way to guilt trip.

She doesn’t have to go along with your “truth” she doesn’t have to accept the narrative that you are setting.

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 08:28

I'd speak to your kids tbh if it's upsetting them that much. Explain that you can't force people to call people what you want and that it doesn't change how they see their dad.

Pools27 · 28/02/2022 08:30

She doesn’t have to go along with your “truth” she doesn’t have to accept the narrative that you are setting.

She doesn't HAVE to no.

But I think if you know something as simple as not just calling him Dad is upsetting your niece/nephew and you still refuse to do it because you don't HAVE to...then you're a bit of a twat.

GeneLovesJezebel · 28/02/2022 08:31

But he’s not their dad. She can call him whatever she is comfortable with.

MzHz · 28/02/2022 08:32

And I do get the useless dad thing.

Ds dad is a waste of skin, my dp is the best father he’s ever experienced, but he calls him by his first name, we all do. If DS can’t be bothered to go through the long story when talking about my dp, he refers to him as dad, but the crucial thing here is that he knows dp isn’t and isn’t pretending otherwise

Your kids dad may be rubbish, but he is their father and ‘Tim’ isn’t , you’ve confused them and that’s on you. If they choose to call Tim dad, then the least you could do is help them understand that not everyone will understand, and that’s FINE.

The way to explain this to them is that it’s a term of love and endearment, a title and an honour that they want to award him if you like, but just as nobody else calls them the little nick name or pet names that you’re bound to call them, some people won’t refer to Tim as their dad.

WeAllHaveWings · 28/02/2022 08:33

@MzHz the kids want to call him dad, it is difficult enough for children when their bio dad walks away from them and adjusting to a new parent figure without having a petty self absorbed adult remind them regularly he is not accepted as a father figure.

OP has your dp sounds great. Your sister should get over herself and make the effort for the kids and I would be having stronger words with her over the fact they are only children and the impact she is having on them.

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 08:34

@MzHz I think you've explained how I feel about it better than I ever could!

LumpyandBumps · 28/02/2022 08:34

A friend whose mother had been married several times always described one man as her Dad.
She acknowledged that he wasn’t her biological father, but would always be her ‘Dad’. He treated her as his daughter and she adored him. She remains in contact with him although her mother has moved on several times since.
If the children call him Dad I don’t see why your sister can’t refer to him as such.

flashpaper · 28/02/2022 08:34

Biologically, no, he's not their dad, but since when does biology matter these days? No one is saying that he is their biological father, but IMO, there is more to being a dad than that.
I think your sister is being cruel and unnecessary. I'd tell her she'll get used to it. If she's happy calling you "mum" as that's the word your DC use, then she should be okay calling Tim "dad" for the same reason. It sounds like she's being deliberately awkward.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 28/02/2022 08:35

A 14&12 are old enough to work out who their Dad is... its not necessarily their father.
Your sister should respect their feelings. Dad is something you earn in my book.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 08:35

I would explain to her that a dad and a biological father and two different things and if she continues to upset your children she won't be seeing them anymore.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/02/2022 08:35

I don't see see a problem with them. It's lovely the children call him Dad as a term of affection (knowing he isn't actually their Dad). But if I were your sister I'd say Mum and Tim in those circumstances as the isn't from their dad.

ComDummings · 28/02/2022 08:36

I mean technically she’s right but it’s a huge dick move to argue about it when she knows it upsets her niece/nephews and OP has addressed it with her.

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 08:36

I would be having stronger words with her over the fact they are only children and the impact she is having on them. they are 12 and 14. Thats old enough to have a conversation about it if they are upset.

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 08:37

Maybe she can't stand Tim

MzHz · 28/02/2022 08:37

@Pools27

She doesn’t have to go along with your “truth” she doesn’t have to accept the narrative that you are setting.

She doesn't HAVE to no.

But I think if you know something as simple as not just calling him Dad is upsetting your niece/nephew and you still refuse to do it because you don't HAVE to...then you're a bit of a twat.

No, I’m not a twat, but I’m not responsible for my sisters kids. She is.

Likewise, op is responsible for her kids and if she wants to call people pet names in the family, that’s her decision but it’s nonsense to think that everyone will go along with it.

My own family have been deeply unsupportive of me over the years, and have done all sorts to slight me, but unless there is a massive back story here, op sister is merely choosing not to go along with her sisters narrative

You can’t erase parents from their kids lives, they may not be a part of it, but that’s on them, they don’t need to be bleached out.

Danikm151 · 28/02/2022 08:40

A father provides the sperm, a Dad provides the love.

OhMygodddd · 28/02/2022 08:40

You do nice things for family and calling him dad instead of Tim when talking to the kids isn’t a massive ask

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 28/02/2022 08:41

Fuck what she is comfortable with saying. She is upsetting your kids. It is nothing to do with her, it isn't like he moved in 5 minutes ago and you are demanding it. You need to explain to her that this is not a situation where her feelings are paramount, she can feel however she wants to but it is important to your children and therefore should be important to her. Is she always a cow?

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 08:42

You definitely need to look into why your kids are so upset about this.

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