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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding dc calling Dh dad after 8 years

125 replies

Slavetolove · 28/02/2022 08:05

My 2 older dc (14 and 12) have nothing to do with their biological dad. He walked out of there lives 7 years ago.

Iv been with my Dh for 8 years. Dh does absolutely everything for them. Provides financially, emotionally & everything else. They absolutely adore him. Dd & Dh are literally best friends. They call him dad.

My sister refuses to call him dad because “he isn’t their dad”. So when she asks the kids something like “are they from mum and Tim” instead of mum and dad. It really upsets my dc.

OP posts:
YellowBalloonsandOrangeBaboons · 28/02/2022 09:01

What if you and your DH later split up? Where would that leave your DC's relationship with him? Or what if your DC decide when they are older that they want to re-establish contact with their father (and it turns out that he's amenable to that, given that he was in their lives until your eldest was 7)? I think you should leave them space to change their minds and their relationship with him if they want to. Otherwise, why not formalize the relationship with their stepfather by having him adopt them, if their father would consent?

I think your sister is probably uncomfortable with being asked to support a narrative that isn't necessarily as stable as you want it to be.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 09:03

@YellowBalloonsandOrangeBaboons

What if you and your DH later split up? Where would that leave your DC's relationship with him? Or what if your DC decide when they are older that they want to re-establish contact with their father (and it turns out that he's amenable to that, given that he was in their lives until your eldest was 7)? I think you should leave them space to change their minds and their relationship with him if they want to. Otherwise, why not formalize the relationship with their stepfather by having him adopt them, if their father would consent?

I think your sister is probably uncomfortable with being asked to support a narrative that isn't necessarily as stable as you want it to be.

And what if they don't split up? Or what if they do and he continues to have a good relationship with them? So what if their biological comes back into their lives? Of course they can change their minds at any time, and right now they want to call him dad.
ImAvingOops · 28/02/2022 09:03

The kids are probably upset because the sister is being divisive - she's hammering home the message that the older children are not the same as the youngest one. Even though everyone in their immediate family sees them all as one unit. It's undermining how the kids see their family and it's mean.
Anyone who was needlessly upsetting my kids wouldn't be seeing them, frankly.
Can your dh adopt the older dc?

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2022 09:03

This is on your sister, and I’d be telling the kids that if it really upsets them, they’re free to correct her whenever she calls him “Tim” just to prove some kind of childish point.

I agree with this.

Your DC are 14 and 12, not 4 and 2. Presumably they’ve coped with him being ‘Tim’ to Auntie X, and other people, for a while. As they’re teens I’d just validate their feelings (‘I understand, and yes I agree it would be nicer of Auntie X to refer to Tim as “Dad” because that’s what you call him. I’m not sure why she doesn’t but try not to take it to heart - we all know what Dad means to us’), mention it once to your sister (as you’ve done) and from then on downplay or ignore it.

This is a fuel to the fire issue - you don’t need to give it oxygen.

worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 09:05

@YellowBalloonsandOrangeBaboons but thats has nothing to do with the sister and lots of what ifs
As a grown adult why would you deliberately upset kids , shes just a dick
If it were my niece/ nephew i would just be pleased they have someone in their life now they see as a dad , no one can predict the future
My nephew calls his stepdad dad as he was around for him , his mum an dad split up 5 years ago , he still calls him dad and still seems him as this is the man who brought him up for years
And you know what as an auntie i referred to him as dad when my nephew did as im not a dick as really what am i getting out of upsetting a child

NoParticularPattern · 28/02/2022 09:05

Playing devils advocate here- do they get similarly upset when people refer to others as something else? So your parents might be grandma and grandad to them, but to you or your sister they would just be mum and dad. Or your sister is auntie XYZ but they cannot possibly have never heard her being called just XYZ?! She doesn’t have to call him something she isn’t comfortable with. They’re going to come across many hundreds of people who have different names depending on who it is that is talking about/to them. It’s not that hard to grasp- my 4yo has a basic grasp. Why are they so upset about this one and not the others?!

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 09:05

@NoSquirrels that sounds a good way of handling it

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 28/02/2022 09:06

I had a similar situation and I always called mums second husband Dad (and eventually he adopted me) but a couple of mums relatives always referred to him as my stepdad or by name. It didn't upset me but it made me think they were weird - of course he was my dad because he loved me and looked after me. They were a bit odd not to understand that.

Incidentally, their reluctance to acknowledge his dad status in my life was down to disapproval of my mum leaving and divorcing her first husband. This was the 1960s and a Catholic family and mum was very much frowned upon. The most vociferous critic was her younger sister. That same sister has now been divorced 3 times!

Onlyforcake · 28/02/2022 09:07

I'm always appalled by the "not your dad" shit. So many people won't accept anyone other than a biological dad. Huge fuck you to all the loving step parents, adoptive parents and just those adults who stepped up when some waste of space didn't.

Being a father takes nothing, being a dad is something more. Getting pissy because a child has someone who actually cares in their lives is less than pathetic.

Lalliella · 28/02/2022 09:07

@KindlyKanga

You definitely need to look into why your kids are so upset about this.
No she doesn’t. It’s obvious. Someone is denying their Dad’s importance in their lives just to make a stupid point. Of course they’d be upset by this.
Original poster
Slavetolove · 28/02/2022 09:08

He is planning on adopting and Dd14 wants to change her name legally at 16. At school they both chose to be called my Dh surname.

Obviously with our child my sister says “mum and dad”.

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 28/02/2022 09:08

op sister is merely choosing not to go along with her sisters narrative

Well OP perhaps you should stop going along with your sisters "narrative". Do your kids call her aunt or auntie? Why does she deserve that title?
Being a dad isn't about biology.

You can’t erase parents from their kids lives, they may not be a part of it, but that’s on them, they don’t need to be bleached out.

No, he did that himself by abandoning them. Therefore doesn't deserve the title of dad.

Lalliella · 28/02/2022 09:09

Tell them to stop calling her Auntie. Call her Mrs Smith or whatever. See how she likes it.

worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 09:09

@NoParticularPattern they also don'y have to have a relationship with their auntie either
Its not the same as someone saying nan or grandma a basically it means the same thing
Op and her dh have another child so maybe the children want to be treated the same and to them he is their dad , the fact they call him that is a big step for them
An auntie who cannot see that and even after being asked can't make an effort to try and refer to him as to what the children do and want is a twat really , why upset kids for no reason , it really makes no zero difference to the auntie to call him dad to the kids either does it

stuntbubbles · 28/02/2022 09:10

Why are they so upset about this one and not the others?!
Because it’s undermining their dad. Hearing your grandma being called mum by your mum is different – both names acknowledge a particular relationship, a family bond, and imply longevity. Saying “mum and Tim” instead of “mum and dad” is weird. And I bet the auntie refers to her own parents as grandma and grandpa in the context OP gave: “were those presents from grandma and grandpa?” She wouldn’t say “from my mum and dad” – weird.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 09:10

If she's really insistent about not referring to him as dad, get her to refer to you by your name too.

"Mary and Tim" is less mean than "mom and Tim"

NoSquirrels · 28/02/2022 09:12

Just tell them it doesn’t matter what Auntie X thinks. Honestly. This doesn’t need to be a thing. And if it is a thing to then, get them to tell her themselves - via email or something if necessary. If she ignores a direct plea from them she’s a dick.

But if it’s basically just her referring to him as Tim, not directly correcting them when they call him Dad, leave it be. Ignore it.

Families are full of weird quirks, people are odd. This is an ignorable issue unless there’s more to it.

stuntbubbles · 28/02/2022 09:12

@Slavetolove

He is planning on adopting and Dd14 wants to change her name legally at 16. At school they both chose to be called my Dh surname.

Obviously with our child my sister says “mum and dad”.

Oh gosh, that’s even worse! She’s demarcating between your children: look, your sibling has a real dad, you’ve got a Tim. And making your older DC other.

I’d be furious. If she can’t say dad, the kids should have carte blanche to call her Alan.

Thatsplentyjack · 28/02/2022 09:13

@NoParticularPattern

Playing devils advocate here- do they get similarly upset when people refer to others as something else? So your parents might be grandma and grandad to them, but to you or your sister they would just be mum and dad. Or your sister is auntie XYZ but they cannot possibly have never heard her being called just XYZ?! She doesn’t have to call him something she isn’t comfortable with. They’re going to come across many hundreds of people who have different names depending on who it is that is talking about/to them. It’s not that hard to grasp- my 4yo has a basic grasp. Why are they so upset about this one and not the others?!
You just wasted a lot of time typing that out because it's completely irrelevant crap.
GlitteryGreen · 28/02/2022 09:15

@YellowBalloonsandOrangeBaboons

What if you and your DH later split up? Where would that leave your DC's relationship with him? Or what if your DC decide when they are older that they want to re-establish contact with their father (and it turns out that he's amenable to that, given that he was in their lives until your eldest was 7)? I think you should leave them space to change their minds and their relationship with him if they want to. Otherwise, why not formalize the relationship with their stepfather by having him adopt them, if their father would consent?

I think your sister is probably uncomfortable with being asked to support a narrative that isn't necessarily as stable as you want it to be.

Why is this anything to do with her sister though? She should respect the wishes of the actual people involved.

And for what it's worth, my friend's partner raised his ex's child from very young and they had one together. They split many years ago, and he is still dad to both boys and always has been. The older boy did go off to find his bio dad in his teens, as is natural, but - surprise surprise - it didn't work out and his real dad - ie, the man who raised and loves him - was there for him all the way.

ComDummings · 28/02/2022 09:16

@Slavetolove

He is planning on adopting and Dd14 wants to change her name legally at 16. At school they both chose to be called my Dh surname.

Obviously with our child my sister says “mum and dad”.

That makes it even worse. She’s a dickhead.
Blueroses99 · 28/02/2022 09:16

Your sister should either refer to you and DH from HER perspective ie Anne and Tim or from the children’s perspective ie Mum and Dad. To mix them up is being disrespectful to your entire family as she is prioritising being strictly correct over everyone’s feelings.

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 09:18

@Sisisimone

Maybe she can't stand Tim GrinGrin
Or just a thought maybe she has a HUGE crush on him and thinks it would be too weird to call him dad.
Wheresthebeach · 28/02/2022 09:20

Your sister is being a dick. She's clearly differentiating, and its upsetting your kids. Tell her it isn't all about her feelings, and that she should put what makes the kids happy first. And frankly, he is their Dad in every way that counts.

If you're comfortable, the kids should tell her to cut it out and call him Dad. The 14 yr old is old enough, and if my teenage DD is anything to go by...they love correcting adults.

SpilltheTea · 28/02/2022 09:21

There's no need for her to be so pathetic. She's a grown woman and she knows it upsets them. The children are well aware he's not the bio Dad and that's completely irrelevant. I bet she wouldn't dare do this with adopted children though. They see him as Dad and she should respect that.