Regarding dc calling Dh dad after 8 years

[Slavetolove]

My 2 older dc (14 and 12) have nothing to do with their biological dad. He walked out of there lives 7 years ago.

Iv been with my Dh for 8 years. Dh does absolutely everything for them. Provides financially, emotionally & everything else. They absolutely adore him. Dd & Dh are literally best friends. They call him dad.

My sister refuses to call him dad because “he isn’t their dad”. So when she asks the kids something like “are they from mum and Tim” instead of mum and dad. It really upsets my dc.

That is so petty of her, putting her own sensibilities ahead of children. Is she a jealous sort?

Your sister's a bitch. As a PP, said, either she refers to you and Tim by what you are to her, or she refers to you by what you are to the children.

Is this her getting a dig in at you? Is she always this legalistic? Because I can't imagine ever doing something like this to my sibling's kids.

If even your kids getting upset isn't going to stop your sister, I'd stop wasting any time trying to explain to her how mean she's being or get her to change.

Focus on your kids - they're teenagers, not toddlers, so I'd be really straight with them. Tell them that whatever Auntie X says about DH, that doesn't change how the kids feel about him or how he feels about the kids. What do they care what Auntie X thinks of that relationship? they KNOW who their dad is. Sometimes, adults are dumb and do mean stuff, they're not perfect. And they can get upset with her. That's allowed. But it's best to get to the point where they shrug it off and roll their eyes when Auntie X says something dumb. Says more about her than it does about their dad!

And then just go back to normal stuff, don't make it a big massive thing: let's talk about GCSE choices, who's turn is it to load the dishwasher, don't you have football this weekend, your room is a tip, no you can't go online before you've done your homework...etc etc

Sorry but it's up to your DC what they call your DH. And it's up to your DS what she calls him.

She seems quite insensitive to what your DC would prefer though. Could they explain to her why it upsets them? Have you explained it to her?

Tell your DC to call their Aunt by her name or something else and if she doesn't like it ask her why not??

She is being unkind and she knows it.

@Slavetolove

I said today that it upsets them after they FaceTimed and she replied that “he’s not their dad and she doesn’t feel comfortable saying it”. I have no idea why.

I would feel 'uncomfortable' if I wasn't using the same term as my 12 and 14 year old. They are old enough to choose who they want to call dad. I might understand if she was an ex sister in law but it makes no sense in her position.

What if your DC stop calling her aunt and start calling her twatface, that's fine right because everyone can call anyone what they like regardless of the emotional impact to the person they're talking to?
Of course when talking to your DC and referring to the people they vote as parents she should day mum and dad. DH is in a similar boat, no relationship with bio dad, had called his stepdad dad since he was about seven (been in his life since DH was 2) , I've never known anyone to refer to him to DH as anything other than 'your dad'

id tell your kids that shes just using his name and it doesnt mean anything. You all know that hes their dad in every meaningful way and just because one person uses his first name doesnt detract from that. Plenty of people call their parents by their first names

*view not vote

To all intents and purposes, he is their dad. Your sister is just being unkind. It’s really not about her.

I can't believe some of the responses on here.

Your children have made a choice to call a man they love, and who loves and supports them, Dad.

THEIR choice.
THEIR business.

Why would your sister want to correct and upset your children?

I think she sounds deeply unpleasant.

You have explained that she is upsetting your children and she has disregarded this?

I would stop the calls and I would step back.

This is NOT her business.

I think this is a teaching moment about boundaries and respect for your children.

She doesn't feel she should respect your childrens choice?

Your don't have to have her in your childrens lives.

She is making a big point of sticking her beliefs in the face of your children.

She is not a nice aunt or person.

Step away from her PA behaviour towards your family.

In your place I would be telling her that her views on your family, husband and what your children call him are of no interest to you whatsoever and you don't wish to hear her opinion.
What you do expect is her to respect your children's choice.
If she can't do that, she needs to stay away from your family.

It really is that simple.

A friend of mine some years ago told me how her 6 year old was very fond of her widowed neighbour.
Both her parents were dead.
One day she started calling her Granny and when asked about it, she said if I had a Granny I'd want her to be just like X.

I thought it was adorable and teared up.
Her neighbour loved it.
She is still Granny 10 years later.

Be very firm with your sister.

I bet this behaviour isn't in isolation.

@Slavetolove

He is planning on adopting and Dd14 wants to change her name legally at 16. At school they both chose to be called my Dh surname.

Obviously with our child my sister says “mum and dad”.

Slave and Tim would be OK because it's even ranking and how she knows you both as thar her self. Mum and Tim and flipping Tim/Dad depending on the child is hurtful because she is not respecting your children's emotional relationship to him, and reinforcing a division.

I grew up in a complex family and not with my birth parents. I had a relationship with one but not the other. I called relations by the way my relationship felt to me, not technical biological and marital connection. It was tougher as a teenager because as a younger child people tended to accept my relationships. As a teenager, it was frustrating and disrepectful to be regularly "corrected" and have my closest relationships dismissed and degraded.
I knew perfectly how everyone is connected to me and didn't need sanctimonious twats deciding that they know my sense of being better than me.

He's not their biological father, but 'dad' is not a technical term, it's a relationship, so surely he IS their dad, because he has that relationship with them. I think YANBU - your sister should be happy you have a man in your life who loves your kids and they feel is a father to them. You're not asking her to collude with lying to them about who their biological father is, just calling him by the name the dcs prefer.

It seems particularly mean and hurtful when you also have a child with him, so she is deliberately making a unnecessary distinction between your dcs.

Does she have a reason to feel loyal to your ex - like an ongoing friendship with him?

She is a nasty piece. She is deliberately undermining a primary relationship in your children’s lives to make a point that isnt invalid.
Being a parent isn’t just about biology it about everything that happens post conception.

I couldn't put up with this, she's entitled to her opinion, but she's not allowed to make your kids feel second class by reaffirming that's their "dad" was abusive and walked away, their younger sibling has a mum and dad but they have to miss out on having a dad because that can only be the person that provided the sperm. He is their dad, he has raised them and looked after them. As for people saying you should look at why this is upsetting the kids, no you shouldn't it's upsetting them because she's being a cow and making a point by digging at them. I'd be straight and say u can have the kids upset like this, its either first names for all parents and all children and you no longer refer to her as auntie or mum and dad for all. You don't get to hurt kids to make a point.

@Slavetolove

He is planning on adopting and Dd14 wants to change her name legally at 16. At school they both chose to be called my Dh surname.

Obviously with our child my sister says “mum and dad”.

I think it’s a horrible way to behave. I know it’s not the same thing but I work with some long term fostered children. They are going to be with their foster parents until they are adults (and the foster parents have made a life long personal commitment to them) but legally they aren’t their parents for complex reasons. These teens call their foster parents, mum and dad. I cannot imagine correcting them! I’m sorry your sister is being so awkward and hope the adoption stuff is smooth so it can be made ‘officical’.

Would she say that to children who had been adopted?
I would say if she feels more comfortable upsetting her niece and nephew than just calling him dad that's her choice, it's not a choice a caring person would choose though.

He doesn’t need to be biologically related to them to be their dad. Your sister is being cruel for no reason.

Tell her that you understand that for some reason she finds it awkward, but that her insistence is likely affect her relationship with her niece and nephew, and does she really want that. Also is the adoption going to make a difference for her?

Is her thinking very rigid in other ways? I do know someone with autistic traits* who would respond in exactly the same way. He's far from an arse, but it almost hurts him to say something that's 'wrong'. A bit like the reaction I get when I see a rogue apostrophe, and want to get a pen out!

*I'm not diagnosing her, just wondering if she gets a similarly out of proportion response to 'wrongness'.

I don’t understand all these PP saying ‘well he’s not their dad’ - in what way is he not their dad? What do you think a ‘dad’ is? Fine, he’s not their biological father, but they know that and nobody is pretending otherwise. He can still absolutely be their dad. Even my 4yo knows the difference between a biological mother and a mummy, she knows that for most people that’s the same person but some people have a biological mother and someone different is their mummy. If these kids were adopted would it be okay for the sister to refuse to call the adoptive parents ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ because ‘they’re not really’? Of course not! That would be insane. Being a mum or a dad sometimes has nothing to do with biology. OP your sister is being awful and I would just tell her that if she as a grown adult can’t swallow her own ‘discomfort’ for the sake of the feelings of children then she doesn’t deserve to be in their lives anymore. She needs to grow up.

Wow, your sister sounds like a piece of work! She has a weird idea of what a dad actually is. If I found out that my darling dad wasn’t my biological parent it would make absolutely no difference at all - your dad is the one that cleans up your sick, plays with you, turns up to parents evening, collects you from parties at 2am, tells you the boy who dumped you is an idiot and does all the million other big and small things that make up what love is. It’s a shame she doesn’t understand that.

Get your children to call her "sister of mother" if she's that concerned about accuracy over relationships.

I understand your aunt. But it’s up to the kids
My children do not call their biological dad ‘dad’. He’d quite like them too and I really don’t mind what they do, but they laughed when I suggested it. They would definitely feel weirded out if other people called him dad as it’s a freighted term with a large component of social role.

Tell your stupid sister that a dad is the person who raises you, and not their sperm donor. That your children consider him their dad (because he is) and if she doesn't respect that then she is not welcome in your life.

Who does she think she is trying to police your family relationships? If your kids call him dad of their own volition, he’s their dad.

I’d pull her up on it every single time until she gets the message and if she persists, refuse to engage with her.