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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regarding dc calling Dh dad after 8 years

125 replies

Slavetolove · 28/02/2022 08:05

My 2 older dc (14 and 12) have nothing to do with their biological dad. He walked out of there lives 7 years ago.

Iv been with my Dh for 8 years. Dh does absolutely everything for them. Provides financially, emotionally & everything else. They absolutely adore him. Dd & Dh are literally best friends. They call him dad.

My sister refuses to call him dad because “he isn’t their dad”. So when she asks the kids something like “are they from mum and Tim” instead of mum and dad. It really upsets my dc.

OP posts:

AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2022 09:56

@Slavetolove

I said today that it upsets them after they FaceTimed and she replied that “he’s not their dad and she doesn’t feel comfortable saying it”. I have no idea why.

I don't have a sister but could she be just poking at this because this is a weak spot for you. Like pinching your perfume, wearing your new top, just the adult version.It clearly bothers you so it Is worth doing....over and over.

lborgia · 28/02/2022 09:57

She is being a complete cow.

I think it’s actually MORE important because they have chosen to call him Dad.

If they had any qualms, especially as teenagers, they just wouldn't do this.

She is behaving as if she is superior in some way, actually, not even that, she is being pretty evil.

Is her life so small that she needs to upset her niece and nephew in this way? Is her “first” marriage a bit of a dud, and she has found a way to breed upset and discontent in your happy house?

F her, and her “not comfortable”. Why is her comfort more important than your children’s?

Ooh, the longer I think about this, the more I want to visit some kind of slow torture on her. Nasty ,nasty woman. Bit like me I suppose!

BattMerry · 28/02/2022 09:57

Sorry but your sister is really weird... it's no skin off her nose what she calls your husband, and you don't have to be biologically related to be a dad. He deserves that title. I'd be cross.

My stepdad raised me since I was three; I've always called him dad - because he is. My extended family wouldn't have dreamed of not referring to him as such when talking to me. But when i was about twenty, i got a birthday card from his mum, it was signed 'Love Grandma... but we both know I'm not really'. I didn't care one iota, of course, but my dad was ANGRY. He told her off and it never happened again.

Ofc, you can't force your sister, but I don't understand why she wouldn't acknowledge the relationship your DH has with her niece and nephew. He sounds like a good man. It might be worthwhile explaining to DC that your sister knows how much your DH loves them as his own children but she's being ridiculous, and sometimes adults are more childish than kids x

Dontbeme · 28/02/2022 10:07

For everyone going "oh but he's not their dad" would you say it to their faces in the street? What do you think these kids hear when this woman calls their parents "Mum and Tim", it would be a reminder that their dad was abusive, their dad left, their dad has fucked all to do with them, do you think maybe that these kids don't need to be reminded of that every time their speak to their beloved cunt aunt? I would be taking a giant step back from her OP, she has no respect for your family or any care for your kids.

TirednessButHappiness · 28/02/2022 10:07

Yanbu.

DHs “mum” is actually his stepmum and has been for over 40 years now, his birth mum left when he was young. Even when his Dad and Stepmum got divorced 20 years ago she remained his mum and she is Granny to our kids.

He and she would both be devastated to have it pointed out that she’s not really his mum, although of course she isn’t biologically. They have a very loving bond.

It is not an outsiders place to decide on what other peoples relationships are or what they call each other.

AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2022 10:08

Explain to her that, yes your ex is their father, but Tim is their dad.As the quote says "Any man can be a father. It takes a special person to be a dad".No one is denying their biology. If they become ill at any point it will be the family genes of their biological parents that are factored in. But the day to day dad stuff is being done by Tim. If the children want a fully present dad, like their friends, and they are happy for that to be Tim ,then it is none of your sisters business.

AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2022 10:11

Start thinking of her in your head and under your breath as Cuntie Sue ( or whatever her name is) . Hurry up kids Cuntie Sue wants to facetime you.

AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2022 10:22

@MaudieandMe

Who does she think she is trying to police your family relationships? If your kids call him dad of their own volition, he’s their dad.

I’d pull her up on it every single time until she gets the message and if she persists, refuse to engage with her.

My brother in law is a knob. He likes to police relationships. My sister in law is granny to her husband's grandchildren. They didn't know the woman who was biologically their granny. She died years ago. My husband brought up my 2 children. They regard him as dad but still occasionally see their biological dad so they have made up their own name for their stepfather. If they are talking about him they refer to us as mum and dad. It's easier than explaining the in and outs of it all.Youngest son is about to have a baby. I presumed they might call my husband Grandad X but youngest son said "No you are his grandad . You have earned it. You are as much grandad as anyone else". BIL likes to point out that people aren't really the grandparent, great auntie, SIL of other people in the family. The stupid thing is that he cheated on my SIL and left her for another woman. They reunited a few months later( new woman realised he was a knob) but if they hadn't then presumably he would have wanted his new partner recognised in some formal way by his grandchildren. The 'episode' is never nentioned so presumably he has conveniently forgotten all about it.

tcjotm · 28/02/2022 10:39

@Blueroses99

Your sister should either refer to you and DH from HER perspective ie Anne and Tim or from the children’s perspective ie Mum and Dad. To mix them up is being disrespectful to your entire family as she is prioritising being strictly correct over everyone’s feelings.

This. Seriously, why is she choosing this hill to die on? He’s the children’s dad. Referring to their parents as ‘Mum and Tim’ is so rude when he’s ‘dad’ to the children.

If I’m looking after my cousins I’m not saying ‘Carol and Dave will be home soon’ (or ‘Mr and Mrs Henderson will be home soon?’) I say ‘mum and dad will be home soon’ because that’s what they call their parents!

BobMortimersTrout · 28/02/2022 10:40

@Slavetolove

I said today that it upsets them after they FaceTimed and she replied that “he’s not their dad and she doesn’t feel comfortable saying it”. I have no idea why.

Tell her to stop being so self centred - her feelings are irrelevant in this situation, your kids are the ones that matter. I think it's awful she doesn't care that she's upsetting her niece and nephew

Thewindwhispers · 28/02/2022 11:28

Your sister is a dick. I hear thet she isn’t comfortable saying ‘Dad’. But you and your children aren’t comfortable hearing ‘Tim’, why does she put her own comfort over that of the children? Why doesn’t she find different ways of phrasing things, like ‘Who is that from?’ instead of ‘is that from mum and Tim’?

I would have a huge row with her over it saying he is the stepdad, he is in the dad role, it makes your family very upset and if she can’t acknowledge that he is the dad of the family and insists on upsetting DCs on purpose then she isn’t welcome round.

saraclara · 28/02/2022 12:13

I hear that she isn’t comfortable saying ‘Dad’. But you and your children aren’t comfortable hearing ‘Tim’,

I think that's the perfect way to address it with her. And then ask her whose feelings she thinks matter most, and whether she's prepared to risk her relationship with her niece and nephew by choosing this hill to die on.

thegreenlight · 28/02/2022 13:04

I always wonder whether women would be happy with their father’s partner as ‘mum’. I really feel that it cheapens the role of a father when it’s just whomever is living with the mother at the time. My husband has just started calling his stepfather ‘dad’ but he’s 38 and the man has been around since he was 10!

GlitteryGreen · 28/02/2022 13:14

@thegreenlight

But this man is the only dad they have. They are not in touch with their bio father and haven't been for years.

AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2022 13:15

The only thing that matters here is that the children are happy to call him dad. So he is dad. Their biological father is not around.

BoredZelda · 28/02/2022 13:28

She’s a cow.

Can we at least try to stop with the misogynistic name calling?

BoredZelda · 28/02/2022 13:34

I hear that she isn’t comfortable saying ‘Dad’. But you and your children aren’t comfortable hearing ‘Tim’

Or, at 12 and 14 they are old enough to understand you can’t control other people’s actions, all you can do is control your reaction.

When it comes down to it, what people are called is really just the noise you make to get their attention. They know what and who he is to them and that’s all that matters.

Nopetryagain · 28/02/2022 13:45

This is crazy. I hope she uses a preferred shortened version of her own name that you can refuse to use e.g call her Elizabeth rather than Liz. See how she likes it.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 28/02/2022 14:56

@KindlyKanga - no they cant insist. But you have to be a special kind of pathetic idiot to knowingly hurt a couple of children and your own sister. As for OP looking into why her kids are upset - no, she really doesn't. Her sister needs to be looking into why behaving like a bitch and hurting her niece and nephew is more important to her than using a term which has no impact on her personal life at all. It is important to them - any reasonable adult would treat that as important too. Your stance is quite odd.

OP, again, you have my commiserations. If there is no backstory with your sister, then a frank discussion may be the way to go. If there is a lot of history, maybe decreased contact is the thing. Best to you.

MzHz · 28/02/2022 20:00

Christ, if this is all it takes to “hurt” the children, they have one fuck of a tough time coming up…

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 28/02/2022 20:29

Ah for the empathic response from a kind adult. But you keep being goady @MzHz.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/02/2022 21:03

That's so disrespectful of her.

I'd warn her to belt up or you'll not see her.

Momijin · 01/03/2022 05:42

@MzHz

Christ, if this is all it takes to “hurt” the children, they have one fuck of a tough time coming up…

Really??? Their bio dad abandoned them many years ago. They have a man who is their father, loves them and cares for them and their aunt is stressing that he's not their father?

Simonjt · 01/03/2022 06:49

Does she have children? If so when talking to her children why not refer to their parents as ‘Kate’ and Dad.

AIHippy · 01/03/2022 08:24

Surely what cheapens the role of "Dad" is fucking off and never seeing your kids?

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