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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding dc calling Dh dad after 8 years

125 replies

Slavetolove · 28/02/2022 08:05

My 2 older dc (14 and 12) have nothing to do with their biological dad. He walked out of there lives 7 years ago.

Iv been with my Dh for 8 years. Dh does absolutely everything for them. Provides financially, emotionally & everything else. They absolutely adore him. Dd & Dh are literally best friends. They call him dad.

My sister refuses to call him dad because “he isn’t their dad”. So when she asks the kids something like “are they from mum and Tim” instead of mum and dad. It really upsets my dc.

OP posts:
Tempnamechange123 · 28/02/2022 08:42

She’s a cow.

Earlydancing · 28/02/2022 08:43

Your children call him dad and that's fine. And your sister calls him Tim and that's fine. Your children need to learn that they can't control everyone else's feelings. As long as they're happy, what other people think about it, is unimportant.

MzHz · 28/02/2022 08:43

@KindlyKanga

You definitely need to look into why your kids are so upset about this.
That’s what occurred to me.

They’re old enough to know better than this.

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 08:44

@OhMygodddd

You do nice things for family and calling him dad instead of Tim when talking to the kids isn’t a massive ask
No but its going to be worse if everytime she says Tim (which is his name so not wrong) she then says oops I mean daddy Tim, dad.
Changeee15467 · 28/02/2022 08:44

YANBU OP at all. He is their dad - not biologically but so what? Your sister is being an arsehole. Your family sounds lovely Cake

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/02/2022 08:46

Shes being a dick.
it's no hardship for her to not do this or just to avoid saying mum and dad or your parents in general if it is THAT uncomfortable

I'd just explain it in its most reductive terms

When you do that it upsets the kids.
If you keep upsetting the kids we will have to see you less.

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 08:46

They’re old enough to know better than this.

Certainly. Has it come 100% from them by themselves or have they picked up on you getting upset by it OP? I could understand if they were about 6/7 and they were getting their heads around it.

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 08:47

Does Tim care?

Original poster
Slavetolove · 28/02/2022 08:53

They are upset because as they say - he is their dad.

They have had no contact with their biological dad, he was abusive and has completely wiped his hands of them. But they have also chosen not to see him due to the abuse.

Dh is the one who helps with homework, cooks dinner, provides their clothes, birthday presents, Christmas presents etc

Me and dh have a child together as well.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 28/02/2022 08:53

All this “he is not their dad” talk is pathetic.

It’s one thing to just generally say “mum and Tim,” it’s quite another to express how uncomfortable you are about the kids calling him dad etc and needing to make a point of not doing so.

This is on your sister, and I’d be telling the kids that if it really upsets them, they’re free to correct her whenever she calls him “Tim” just to prove some kind of childish point.

GlitteryGreen · 28/02/2022 08:54

Can't believe some of these comments.

No, it's not OK to go against what OP, her children and her husband are comfortable with just because, for whatever reason, she wants to protect the rights of being a father for some loser who hasn't even been around?!

If he raises OP's kids and they regard him as their dad then he is their dad. It's not all about blood FGS.

BungleandGeorge · 28/02/2022 08:55

What does she say to your other child? Is it mum and Tim to all or does she say Dad to the other one? If it’s the second I agree that’s not fair as she’s making them different

mugoftea456 · 28/02/2022 08:55

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

A 14&12 are old enough to work out who their Dad is... its not necessarily their father. Your sister should respect their feelings. Dad is something you earn in my book.
Agreed.
worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 08:56

So by some of you on here standards someone who adopts a child should not be called mum and dad
If the kids want to call him dad and the OP calls him dad and it upsets the kids then the auntie should just refer to him as dad , I mean why would you continue to do something that upsets kids just to be factually right , when their is zero harm
As the kids get older they will correct her anyway or just ignore her so what is she achieving

Sisisimone · 28/02/2022 08:56

Does it really upset them? Or is it really that it upsets you!

Sisisimone · 28/02/2022 08:56

Maybe she can't stand Tim
GrinGrin

AlternativePerspective · 28/02/2022 08:57

And why shouldn’t the children call him dad?

Would it be ok to correct a 6 year old who called an adoptive parent “dad” given that he, you know, isn’t their father by biology?

I find it amazing how children seem to not be allowed independent thought in some instances, and given free rein in others.

So if the kids don’t want to see their father, then that’s their choice and they’re free to make it and it should be respected (which is fair enough).

but if they choose to call the man they see as their father “dad” then the mother and the man in question must somehow have influenced them to do so because they can’t possibly have been able to think that he’s their. Father independently, even though he to all intents and purposes is their father.

FantasticFebruary · 28/02/2022 08:57

@Slavetolove

I said today that it upsets them after they FaceTimed and she replied that “he’s not their dad and she doesn’t feel comfortable saying it”. I have no idea why.
She's not in contact with your Ex is she? Sounds like she's protecting his place in their lives?

I'd tell her the contact will be reduced if she can't respect the kids feelings! She can call him 'Tim' when talking to you, but she needs to call him Dad when talking to your children.

worriedatthemoment · 28/02/2022 08:58

@MzHz dad is not a pet name and yes you can ask that others follow and if they do not tell them ti fuck off if they are upsetting your kids
What kind of person would deliberately upset two kids just to be factually right
If the OP dh adopted the kids would she then think dad is ok
OP i would tell them every time she says TIm , they say oh you mean dad maybe she then might get it

Lalliella · 28/02/2022 08:59

If they have chosen to call him Dad then he is their Dad. There’s more to being a dad than just providing a couple of sperm cells. Your sister should respect their wishes.

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 28/02/2022 09:00

I can completely understand that your children feel that Tim is their Dad, he stepped in to be their dad when their actual Dad obviously didn't give a fuck to fulfil his parenting duties.

Tim's presence allows them to feel the support that they would otherwise be missing out on, and its a beautiful bond that they get to share, through choice. They didn't have to accept Tim as their Dad and Tim didn't need to accept them as his children.

In my view, all that matters is that the children are happy, and feel loved and supported.

Really does take someone being a bit of a dick to want to point out that the person they view as their Dad- who fulfills all of the requirements many of their friends biological fathers would fulfil, isn't their Dad.

I suppose your sister is married to her children's father though, and can't consider how it must feel for them. The truth is known, no point in hammering the point if all it does is upset people.

Nice way to destabilise the child's view of their family, and leave them feeling like they're on the outside.

stuntbubbles · 28/02/2022 09:00

If he behaves like dad and they call him dad and he provides emotionally and financially as dad, he IS their dad. Biology has nothing to do with it.

Your sister is a twat.

KindlyKanga · 28/02/2022 09:01

And why shouldn’t the children call him dad? no reason at all. What they can't do is insist other people call him dad. It's like if I insisted people called me Dad instead of Mum because my child wanted to call me Dad. Or BananaFace. Or whatever

GlitteryGreen · 28/02/2022 09:01

I would understand if she was OP's ex's sister, but she isn't. She is OP's sister and therefore should support her children's choices and it shouldn't matter to her. It's not her business to mind about this.

Maray1967 · 28/02/2022 09:01

Yes, it’s totally pathetic. He is their dad, end of. If I was in your situation I would tell her straight and one more refusal to accept this and I’d be done with her.
Of course the DC are upset, teens or not. Perhaps most or all of their mates have a dad at home. They want to have a dad as well - and their stepdad is a great dad, so they acknowledge that and want him as their dad. All in the household are happy with that.
I believe in baptising babies, my close relatives do not. They respect my choice and came and supported us, bought baptism cards etc. I found an appropriate card for their party for their children's naming events. They didn’t go around saying child baptism is pointless and I didn’t challenge what they were doing. These things matter to us and we respect each other’s ways of doing them. Your sister is being totally disrespectful in refusing to use the name you have asked her to use. She should keep her views to herself.

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