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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find them really intrusive, now?

101 replies

IAmAFuckingIdiot · 27/02/2022 16:28

We've traditionally been close to my in-laws - DH is an only child, and I don't have parents, so it worked quite well.

When we got engaged, MIL started behaving really poorly. They became really controlling and difficult; and ignoring any boundaries. MIL's wedding antics have been a thread themselves, but I've tried to be forgiving.

To cut a long story short, they were then nightmares during my pregnancy, and I wish we'd never told them, quite honestly. They visited the hospital multiple times, guessing when I was in labour if we didn't reply to them fast enough, and then when I actually was, kicked off and had to be removed. I was preparing to be air transferred during a traumatic labour... They still don't even think they did anything wrong, they've said they won't apologise as they'd do it again.

Last week DH and I went out to eat after work, with our baby. We weren't in our town, but the next one over. The in-laws showed up and took over. MIL upset the baby, and me, and I was physically shaking throughout. They didn't leave for an hour and a half; after which the baby was inconsolable, I was stressed and my food had been taken away cold because I'd been trying to get the baby back. She ignored me completely; and kept telling DH that the baby seemed sad and wouldn't stop looking at him...

Me and DH have had words about what happened. I hope I've dealt with that angle...

But I don't believe for a second that they turned up accidentally; FIL initially suggested that they'd driven to ours (an hour away) so MIL could see the baby, and then drove around pubs to find us as we weren't in...

And I find that, and them overall, so intrusive. They've messaged DH saying how thrilled they were to see us... I was not. They demand photos. They could see us daily and it'd never be enough. MIL moans about everything, it's always a slight on her... me breastfeeding, us having a boy, etc.

I'm dreading Mother's Day. MIL will want a full day and a big meal... I don't usually mind it; but right now, they put me so on edge. I feel like crying when they're around and the CPTSD symptoms are awful for a day or so before and afterwards.

Is this unreasonable? I'm happy for DH to go by himself whenever he wants to, but he won't want to.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2022 16:32

You've got a DH problem.

He has not got your back. He should have asked them to leave and if they wouldn't, he should have taken you home.

They sound absolutely vile and the only way forward is to have nothing whatsoever to do with them, either of you. And keep your DS firmly away.

Can you move? (seriously) They're unhinged

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2022 16:33

Who on earth voted YABU???

KarmaStar · 27/02/2022 16:36

Oh my,you poor woman!💐
What is your dh doing inviting them out?(or has she put a tracker on your phone?)
Boundaries need putting down right now.
Your baby,your home,your dh and he can stand beside you or go home to his parents until he grows a backbone.
As long as you allow this to continue,it will.
You might not like confronting them but it will clear the air.
Get hold of some obsidian and cleanse and charge it then ask it for protection from negativity and keep it on you.
Good luck,you can do it,it will be worth it.

NatriumChloride · 27/02/2022 16:39

What the fuck??? They drove around to random pubs to find you??

YABU at all, OP, they sound like crazy stalkers. You seriously need to talk to DH about this as this is NOT normal.

My MIL was similarly intrusive post partum and believe you me, many years on I’m still resentful and angry and wished DH had been strong enough to nip it in the bud and stand beside me. This behaviour needs challenging and stopping now, DH needs to be on your side and needs to sort this out.

BloodyN0rah · 27/02/2022 16:41

They sound awful but you need boundaries. You and Dh need to be on the same page and stick to it, be clear what they can and can’t do and put sanctions in place when they overstep, like sorry I think it’s best if we have a break from each other for a few weeks.
Also, are you sure they don’t have a tracker on you or FindMyPhone or something? It’d explain them showing up at the restaurant and hospital?

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 27/02/2022 16:44

YADNBU

I was wondering like the PP if they've tracked you.

You should be able to go for a meal out with you DH and baby without fear of interruption from them.

But your DH really needs to step up here. Their behaviour is unacceptable, bordering on stalking, you need to assert firm boundaries and soon or it will only get worse.

They've already spoilt your wedding and pregnancy, how much more of your life will you let them ruin. Get DH to tell them to back off or you'll go no contact and mean it, it's the only way.

Twiglets1 · 27/02/2022 16:49

Wtf? Surely your husband told them where you were, he is a big part of the problem as he needs to set boundaries with them

oviraptor21 · 27/02/2022 16:51

Yep. Something tells me your DH either allows his phone to be tracked or alerted them in some way. If he can't show some backbone and cut down their contact to the bare minimum, preferably with you absent, then you have a DH problem.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 27/02/2022 16:54

Google

isendai the missing missing reasons

for a web site that has loads of stories about parents like your DH's

MiracleBaby2022 · 27/02/2022 17:01

Oh my god, I actually can't believe what I've just read. I'd move to the other side of the planet and never return if it was me!

Airyfairymarybeary · 27/02/2022 17:02

@Nanny0gg

Who on earth voted YABU???

The MIL who’s probably trawled mumsnet to find poor op!

AnxiousHeffalump · 27/02/2022 17:06

Now that you are a mother, Mother’s Day is for your little family unit, not for mil.

Curiousmouse · 27/02/2022 17:09

I'm never convinced by the physical shaking.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 27/02/2022 17:09

Save yourself any stress and just don't go to the mother's day meal with your MIL (and remind your DH that YOU are a mother now and that at least half of the day should be about you, even if he wants to go and see his mum and give her a bunch of flowers, take her out, or whatever.) You don't need to make any excuse as to why you don't go out. You can spend time on your own with your baby at home and enjoy the peace and quiet.

StoneofDestiny · 27/02/2022 17:11

You've got stalkers as in-laws and they sound scary. Don't let them steal this precious time with your new family - get your husband to set wider and secure boundaries and if he cant't (you have a very serious problem), then do it yourself.

doodlejump1980 · 27/02/2022 17:14

This will be your first ever Mother’s Day, time to start a new tradition I think!

Original poster

IAmAFuckingIdiot · 27/02/2022 17:17

DH definitely didn't tell them where we were. I think they probably did drive around and look for us, it's a very "them" thing to do...

MIL tried to say that they had been sat with a drink near the entrance and heard a baby that they thought might be ours; but they weren't at the entrance a few minutes earlier when I'd gone to the car, and they didn't have drinks. Or anything, actually, in the whole time they were there.

I do have a DH problem though, he feels that he can't cut them off as he's their only child and they're getting older. He finds it much easier to just ignore their craziness than I do; but he does always say that if I tell him what I need, he'll do it. He ignores a lot of their weird requests but they'll screenshot them and send them to me, then, so it doesn't really save me the problem. He did tell them to back off after the birth and he's stopped them coming in when they just turn up... some of it is on me for agreeing that I'm okay to go every now and again, and then regretting it.

Thanks for the reassurance that it's not me being totally unreasonable, though. It helps more than I can say.

OP posts:

Gardeningcreature · 27/02/2022 17:18

I agree with everyone else.
Tell your dh now that you are not going to in laws on mother's day and you do both want visitors eirher. It's totally fine if he wants to visit but you are not having visitors.
My ex in laws were like this but to a lesser extent. Oh really wish I had been far more forthright with them.

godmum56 · 27/02/2022 17:19

@IAmAFuckingIdiot

We've traditionally been close to my in-laws - DH is an only child, and I don't have parents, so it worked quite well.

Me and DH have had words about what happened. I hope I've dealt with that angle...

Is this unreasonable? I'm happy for DH to go by himself whenever he wants to, but he won't want to.

only now you are finding them intrusive?

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 27/02/2022 17:20

@Nanny0gg

Who on earth voted YABU???

Someone's hit the wrong button.

FantasticFebruary · 27/02/2022 17:21

They are unhinged, really bloody awful.

But as others have said, you have a DH problem. You say you've addressed the restaurant issue with your DH, but you need to go much, much further.

I'd tell your DH that he has the option of going to theirs ALONE to see them or he doesn't see them! You & DS are not going there and they are NOT coming to your home. If he can't respect that and put that boundary in place, then he can go & live with them!!

Ask him if he told them which restaurant you were at, if he says no, tell him that you will be getting rid of both your phones & getting new ones, because you will NOT be tracked. See how fast he back pedals when he's looking at the huge outlay of replacing both phones.

It's mothers Day, you're now a Mother. The Day should be focussed around YOU. In normal situations I'd say it might be nice to do something all together with both mums, but in this case he can go to see his mum, as long as he does something nice with YOU, his baby's Mum!

merryhouse · 27/02/2022 17:23

Yep: Mother's Day is about motherhood. Your husband needs to sort out some presents for you (because obviously your son can't) then leave you ensconced with baby, remote and chocolates while he goes to see his mum.

The rest of it... well, take your pick from the advice above.

1forAll74 · 27/02/2022 17:23

Just opt out of some things, and state your case with in laws, as to why you are not happy with some of their behaviour. It has to be done, or things won't change. If they get iffy, it is not your problem.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 27/02/2022 17:28

OP, you could tell your DH that the lines have now shifted because of their behaviour. All previous deals are off the table.

From now on, you want no contact with them. He can see them on his own.

Regarding your DC, please be careful. GPs like this love slagging off their DiLs in a passive aggressive way to the grandchildren; and then, emboldened, they just become nasty. It's horrible for the children and will be unfair on you.

Oh bubba, isn't Mummy with you today? Silly Mummy! Mummy's not very nice is she, being so cruel to everybody and sulking. Has she gone to get her silly nails done? Never mind, Granny's here to stuff you with chocolate and E-numbers while your Daddy looks on helplessly because he's well-trained to shit his pants when I purse my lips.

MargosKaftan · 27/02/2022 17:29

Yes, be clear to dh you aren't spending mothers day with them. Agree he says he will come over in thr morning. Being clear he is leaving to come back to either make you lunch or go out and it is just for the 3 of you, not PIL. Be clear you do not want to see them on Mothers day and you will make a scene if they "just turn up". No, they cant come over and help him cook. No they cant join your table.

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