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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find them really intrusive, now?

101 replies

IAmAFuckingIdiot · 27/02/2022 16:28

We've traditionally been close to my in-laws - DH is an only child, and I don't have parents, so it worked quite well.

When we got engaged, MIL started behaving really poorly. They became really controlling and difficult; and ignoring any boundaries. MIL's wedding antics have been a thread themselves, but I've tried to be forgiving.

To cut a long story short, they were then nightmares during my pregnancy, and I wish we'd never told them, quite honestly. They visited the hospital multiple times, guessing when I was in labour if we didn't reply to them fast enough, and then when I actually was, kicked off and had to be removed. I was preparing to be air transferred during a traumatic labour... They still don't even think they did anything wrong, they've said they won't apologise as they'd do it again.

Last week DH and I went out to eat after work, with our baby. We weren't in our town, but the next one over. The in-laws showed up and took over. MIL upset the baby, and me, and I was physically shaking throughout. They didn't leave for an hour and a half; after which the baby was inconsolable, I was stressed and my food had been taken away cold because I'd been trying to get the baby back. She ignored me completely; and kept telling DH that the baby seemed sad and wouldn't stop looking at him...

Me and DH have had words about what happened. I hope I've dealt with that angle...

But I don't believe for a second that they turned up accidentally; FIL initially suggested that they'd driven to ours (an hour away) so MIL could see the baby, and then drove around pubs to find us as we weren't in...

And I find that, and them overall, so intrusive. They've messaged DH saying how thrilled they were to see us... I was not. They demand photos. They could see us daily and it'd never be enough. MIL moans about everything, it's always a slight on her... me breastfeeding, us having a boy, etc.

I'm dreading Mother's Day. MIL will want a full day and a big meal... I don't usually mind it; but right now, they put me so on edge. I feel like crying when they're around and the CPTSD symptoms are awful for a day or so before and afterwards.

Is this unreasonable? I'm happy for DH to go by himself whenever he wants to, but he won't want to.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 19:08

Mother's day surely dh can go visit his dm first thing then come home and spoil you on behalf of your dc? Like fuck do you need to see her... Like fuck does she need to see her dgc.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/02/2022 19:17

Bloody hell op. They're unhinged.

That's straight up dyed in the wool harassment. Pair of nut jobs m.

What the fuck is wrong with them?

Hard though it is, you need to steel yourself not to care about being impolite or birthing their feelings. You need to put you and the baby first otherwise your mental health will decline even further.

oakleaffy · 27/02/2022 19:21

@Nanny0gg

Who on earth voted YABU???
Her MIL.
Datsandcogs · 27/02/2022 19:24

Oh heavens. You have a DH and PIL problems.

Spell it out to DH. Mothering Sunday is for your family and he needs to manage his parents’ expectations, maybe he could visit on the Saturday? Be very clear that if they cross your limit you will take DC and walk out, PIL will not railroad their choices onto your family, for Mothering Sunday or any other day when they pitch up uninvited and unwelcome.

I would also block PIL on your devices and make sure they are not tracking you.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 27/02/2022 19:49

I really can't believe they 'found' you in a pub in a different town... unfortunately I'm another one who thinks your DH has told them you were going out. Not specifically "oh we're going to X pub fior dinner", but something more along the lines of they've asked him if they can come round and he's said we're going to X town after work.
As many PPs have said DH is the problem and he needs to quickly and firmly instill some boundaries with his parents going forward.
As for Mothers Day, can you visit in the morning, then it's out the way and make sure you have plans so you can leave promptly when you've had enough. Good luck OP.

EveningOverRooftops · 27/02/2022 19:50

@IAmAFuckingIdiot

DH definitely didn't tell them where we were. I think they probably did drive around and look for us, it's a very "them" thing to do...

MIL tried to say that they had been sat with a drink near the entrance and heard a baby that they thought might be ours; but they weren't at the entrance a few minutes earlier when I'd gone to the car, and they didn't have drinks. Or anything, actually, in the whole time they were there.

I do have a DH problem though, he feels that he can't cut them off as he's their only child and they're getting older. He finds it much easier to just ignore their craziness than I do; but he does always say that if I tell him what I need, he'll do it. He ignores a lot of their weird requests but they'll screenshot them and send them to me, then, so it doesn't really save me the problem. He did tell them to back off after the birth and he's stopped them coming in when they just turn up... some of it is on me for agreeing that I'm okay to go every now and again, and then regretting it.

Thanks for the reassurance that it's not me being totally unreasonable, though. It helps more than I can say.

Op stop all visits.

Change your phone number and tell DH explicitly that they do not get your phone number. Ever. It is a VERY reasonable boundary and he can be the sole contact.

Tell your DH that they need to back off and they can’t randomly visit. If they do HE needs to make it clear that you will all move and they only get a PO BOX address (worth the cost!)

On the restaurant. Did you book the restaurant? Could they have called various places to confirm a booking for Mr and Mrs X to find you? If so start acting like a celebrity and place restaurant bookings in fake names. In fact book most things in fake names. Your mothers maiden name might be a good shout or use your middle name as a surname so it’s easy to remember.

I can’t fathom someone driving around looking in places tbh so think there must’ve been another way for them to find you.

Poppinjay · 27/02/2022 19:51

I agree that this needs stopping right now but the stuff about Mother's day is bonkers. Your DH needs to take her a gift, take her out for lunch or whatever he normally does and you can stay at home with your DS. Then he sees his mother and you are with your son. Win, win.

Your DH doesn't need to do Mother's Day on your son's behalf. That's weird. He can do it himself when he's old enough for it to start being meaningful for him.

I'd be checking both phones for location sharing if I were you and, if they do turn up like that again, you both need to tell he calmly and firmly to leave you alone and not to pick your child up. Don't be embarrassed into giving in. She's using your desire not to cause a scene against you. If causing a scene and embarrassing her is what it takes, just do it.

It won't matter if they know where you're eating if they know that they won't get what they want by turning up uninvited.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 19:51

My ils never had my mobile number op. Made for a much easier life. The pestering for photos etc went to dh's phone..

teraculum29 · 27/02/2022 19:54

OP,
you need to cut them, as thats very toxic behaviour.
And driving around and checking every pub?? Who does that? only insane and controlling people. I wouldn't be surprised if your DH was involved, as how they could possibly find you in that particular pub? unless there are only couple around in your area.

Babyvenusplant · 27/02/2022 20:01

@Nanny0gg

Who on earth voted YABU???
Mil's who act exactly the same as op in-laws lol
billy1966 · 27/02/2022 20:36

OP,

This is unbelievably awful to read.
It's actually scary to read.

Of course your husband let them know you were out.
Any other suggestion is not credible.

You have to tell him you are NOW DONE.

Your mental health is seriously at risk being involved with this family.

Have you family you can visit?

Because if you have I would be packing a bag and go and stay with them.

These people are abusive and he is standing by and allowing it.

Any decent man would have sorted this after the hospital, at the very least.

For goodness sake don't have more children with a man who has so little regard for your well-being.

The restaurant incident is just shocking.

You need to protect yourself from your in laws AND your husband.
Flowers

SirGawain · 27/02/2022 20:49

@Nanny0gg

Who on earth voted YABU???
The MIL!
Cryalot2 · 27/02/2022 21:16

Congratulations on your new baby op.

Your inlaws are stalkers and things will get worse. You have to come up with a plan to keep them where you are comfortable with them.
Like you tell them the dr has advised no visitors for the next month ( or to your dc has all its vacancies or something else)

As for mothers day you and your baby enjoy it . Keep away from inlaws. If they arrive don't let them in. Keep a dressing gown beside the door and embarrass them into clearing.
Make sure they have no keys for your house.

This is short term until you can come up with a plan that you and dh are both happy with.

Can you consider moving and not give your new address?

They are clearly bored and in need of hobbies . Suggest they go on a long cruise.
I really feel for you and wish you well.Flowers

LaurieFairyCake · 27/02/2022 22:09

I've got a suggestion for what he can do.

He can tell them that Mothers Day is to be celebrated by his son for his mother (ie. The three of you go out for lunch)

Now is the time for him to just send his own mother flowers as YOU are now the mother to be celebrated at lunch by your baby.

newnameforthis76 · 28/02/2022 01:16

Mother’s Day is the least of your worries.

Your DH should honestly never have let his parents near you again after their insane behaviour when you were in labour. If he wants to see them and deal with their craziness, he can do that on his own.

Surely he can see the awful effect this is having on you?

He must, surely, see that his parents’ behaviour is completely abnormal. They’re not just a bit pushy. They are essentially stalking you. I would seriously consider giving your husband an ultimatum on this.

Staryflight445 · 28/02/2022 02:16

You spent that long trying to get your baby back instead of eating and your dh did nothing?

I’d be going NC instantly.
He’s shown you he can’t support you, so you show him you won’t put up with it!

They are unhinged and you do not need to expose your child to this, they’ll only get worse.

If they turn up randomly, put your baby in the pram and say ‘I’ve got an appointment this isn’t a good time’ and leave.

Please don’t let people treat you in this way.

Saltyquiche · 28/02/2022 02:35

DH can take his mum out for a Mother’s Day meal. You can both celebrate separately. Sounds like you need a break from her. Check for tracking devices.

veevee04 · 28/02/2022 02:51

Is this their first grandchild ? My MIL did some very batty things when DD was born she was in the labour room and forcefully grabbed my nipples trying to get her to latch on then said my nipples weren't good ! She was a midwife but from another country DDs now 8 and half 3, other grandchildren have born from SIL and she rarely bothers with me anymore. Thank god I'm preparing to TTC number 2 but I will have strong boundaries this time, I don't think she will be as batty as it will be grandchild number 5.

veevee04 · 28/02/2022 02:57

Sorry I saw your OH is an only child that was insensitive of me. Move away OP we moved 3 hours away, When my DD reached school age they barely visit. She goes to stay occasional school holidays but she's more interested in playing with friends than seeing grandparents all the time . I promise it does get better.

FlowerArranger · 28/02/2022 03:31

The in-laws showed up and took over. MIL upset the baby, and me, and I was physically shaking throughout. They didn't leave for an hour and a half; after which the baby was inconsolable, I was stressed and my food had been taken away cold because I'd been trying to get the baby back. She ignored me completely; and kept telling DH that the baby seemed sad and wouldn't stop looking at him...

And what exactly was your husband doing while all this went on - for one and a half hours???!!!!!

estellacruella · 28/02/2022 03:47

please take it from me i have had this behavior with my inlaws for 13 years and only now am i finding my voice.... please establish boundaries with them now or you will regret it. x

oviraptor21 · 01/03/2022 09:04

Mothers Day is first and foremost for those who are currently mothering.
You should be doing something for you on Mothers Day and should remind DH to get his priorities right. No pandering to MIL. A card and a bunch of flowers is enough. Maybe he can do something else with her on another day if he insists, but you are the priority.

GabriellaMontez · 01/03/2022 09:27

They did not find you by chance. He told them or they tracked you. Start by asking him if he told them.

Block their numbers.

Prepare to stand up, take your baby and walk out if such a situation should ever occur. Let him know what will be happening in future.

Do not see them on mother's day.

Intrusive doesn't begin to describe them. Absolute nutters. And your dh is useless.

Catrice · 01/03/2022 09:32

Please listen to all the advice here op - especially regarding mother's day. As a previous poster said, you are now a family unit of 3...YOU are the mother to be celebrated on mother's day, not MIL. A card and a postal bouquet from DH to MIL will suffice while the 3 of you have a special day together. Flowers

BulletTrain · 01/03/2022 09:39

Look, you do not have to be polite and sit there taking it to avoid a scene. I would have stood up, walked round the table and taken back the baby. Even if that meant shouting and attracting attention (she'd have hated that).