To find them really intrusive, now?

[IAmAFuckingIdiot]

We've traditionally been close to my in-laws - DH is an only child, and I don't have parents, so it worked quite well.

When we got engaged, MIL started behaving really poorly. They became really controlling and difficult; and ignoring any boundaries. MIL's wedding antics have been a thread themselves, but I've tried to be forgiving.

To cut a long story short, they were then nightmares during my pregnancy, and I wish we'd never told them, quite honestly. They visited the hospital multiple times, guessing when I was in labour if we didn't reply to them fast enough, and then when I actually was, kicked off and had to be removed. I was preparing to be air transferred during a traumatic labour... They still don't even think they did anything wrong, they've said they won't apologise as they'd do it again.

Last week DH and I went out to eat after work, with our baby. We weren't in our town, but the next one over. The in-laws showed up and took over. MIL upset the baby, and me, and I was physically shaking throughout. They didn't leave for an hour and a half; after which the baby was inconsolable, I was stressed and my food had been taken away cold because I'd been trying to get the baby back. She ignored me completely; and kept telling DH that the baby seemed sad and wouldn't stop looking at him...

Me and DH have had words about what happened. I hope I've dealt with that angle...

But I don't believe for a second that they turned up accidentally; FIL initially suggested that they'd driven to ours (an hour away) so MIL could see the baby, and then drove around pubs to find us as we weren't in...

And I find that, and them overall, so intrusive. They've messaged DH saying how thrilled they were to see us... I was not. They demand photos. They could see us daily and it'd never be enough. MIL moans about everything, it's always a slight on her... me breastfeeding, us having a boy, etc.

I'm dreading Mother's Day. MIL will want a full day and a big meal... I don't usually mind it; but right now, they put me so on edge. I feel like crying when they're around and the CPTSD symptoms are awful for a day or so before and afterwards.

Is this unreasonable? I'm happy for DH to go by himself whenever he wants to, but he won't want to.

Oh and also I'm pretty sure previous posters are right in that they used find my phone.

I also echo that they've probably used 'Find my Phone' - you need to get them removed from the family sharing list.

Mother’s Day is now for your family. You your DH and baby.
He can send her some flowers and a card and tell her he’s spending the day with the MOTHER of his son.
I cannot believe her cheek honestly she batty.

Well, obviously block them from contacting you by phone/email etc.
And then I'd tell DH I was calling the police to register them as stalkers. And do so, unless he responded by initiating a big sit-down conversation with you about what to do.

@Curiousmouse

I'm never convinced by the physical shaking.

@Curiousmouse this is SUCH a dick post to put on someone’s thread when they are sharing something that had upset them.

Have they got your husband and your phone on theirs so can just do a find my phone find my location and rock up to wherever you are?

Turn off location services on your phones...kills any tracking info in its tracks.

Establish hard boundaries until they get a grip and wind in the stalking and intrusive behaviour. Set times and dates for when they can come round and get DH to make sure it happens.

Why does your husband want anything to do with them after the way they have treated you?

Boundaries - and you and DH need to be on same page and be clear you're upset. I was far too polite for far too long.

Move further away if possible.

Take over booking your meals out and don't tell dh where he is going until the last minute. Then remove his phone. He needs to understand you won't put up with this for a moment longer.

Do NOT agree to see the pils on Mother's Day. Your dh can visit them on his own while you and dc go out and have tea somewhere lovely. Don't tell anyone where you are going though.
Do you have a find your friend app in your phone. If so, delete it.

@Curiousmouse

I'm never convinced by the physical shaking.

It's a well documented and long understood physiological phenomenon, so it would be unreasonable to doubt that anyone ever physically shakes.

YANBU OP and I've little to add except this behaviour is totally unacceptable and your DH needs to do more to protect you and DC from it. I would go NC in their shoes. My IL's are more ignorers but reading your posts has made me realise that we're actually better off being ignored because I couldn't bear this! I'm so sorry you've been made to endure it and you shouldn't have been.
Put your DC first now because these sorts of people are highly toxic to children. Your DH needs to step up!

I meant I would go NC in YOUR shoes! Sorry!

@FlowerArranger

The in-laws showed up and took over. MIL upset the baby, and me, and I was physically shaking throughout. They didn't leave for an hour and a half; after which the baby was inconsolable, I was stressed and my food had been taken away cold because I'd been trying to get the baby back. She ignored me completely; and kept telling DH that the baby seemed sad and wouldn't stop looking at him...

And what exactly was your husband doing while all this went on - for one and a half hours???!!!!!

Indeed what WAS he doing OP?? It's a bad sign that he just allowed this to go on and didn't intervene at all. A very bad sign. Did he even say anything to them OP? Has he said anything about it since? Does he understand at all that his P's behaviour is wrong? Very wrong!

@Saltyquiche

DH can take his mum out for a Mother’s Day meal. You can both celebrate separately. Sounds like you need a break from her. Check for tracking devices.

Don't be so ridiculous. You seriously think the OP should be celebrating Mothers Day on her own with her baby while he goes to lunch with his mother!! His first priority should be to give the mother of his own child a fabulous day.

It is OP's first mother's day and he certainly should not be setting any form of precedent that excludes his wife and does not acknowledge her role as a mother.

DH told them where you were.

Start from there.

Just wanted to add my support - I have awful in-laws too, but fortunately for me they aren't interested in seeing us/our kids (their "golden boy" middle son is the only one they're bothered about). The situation you have described is awful and in no way at all is it right! Either they went full on stalker searching everywhere for you (who the hell does that), your DH told them where you were (either exactly or just "we're out having a meal at the minute") or they have a way of tracking you (find my iPhone etc). But even without that crazy behaviour, why did they try to turn up at your house, which I think you said is an hour away from theirs, without either being invited or asking if they can come.

It's not your fault they only had one child, so you shouldn't be paying for that by them acting like your husband is a 12 year old boy still living at home. They need to accept their son is a grown up, he's married and he has a family of his own. They need to learn boundaries.

In your situation I'd be having a serious conversation with my husband and telling him to pick a side and if he wasn't prepared to stand up for you and your child, he needs to pack his bags and move back to his parents.

YANU.

However, your DH has been brought up by his parents who have no idea or plan to let go. To make the break from them, he needs to overcome decades of their over involvement & boundary breaching, all that Fear Obligation & Guilt (FOG) swirling about.

It may be that you have to build virtual barricades to keep them at arms length, minimal contact, private phone numbers, ‘exit’ strategies when they stay too long/turn up etc…all the way to moving away.

Your DH is overwhelmed & distracted by them, & they are driving you both up the wall.

Mothers Day: ignoring his own mother will not work for your DH at this early stage, this is a bold step & it’ll take time to downsize any expectations.

I suggest that just for this year, you as new mummy have breakfast in bed & a lovely lunch booked under an assumed name etc & this means that you, DH & baby have the very best part of the day together. DH sends own mother big flowers & card in advance so that she has something generous on display, then if so inclined on both sides, he takes his DM for afternoon tea or dinner. It’s a long day for DH but he is setting a schedule & boundaries for the day. From then on, he needs to build a new way of dealing with his parents.

Yes, possibly she’ll call round on MD before the booked event, so either you do not answer the door OR you stay overnight & wake up on MD somewhere lovely to breakfast in bed/lie-in & nice peaceful lunch. It’ll cost ££ but you’ll be out of MiL’s orbit.

Quite shocked that they cruised the pubs looking for you, found the very one & then drawn irresistibly to your baby’s cries - creepy!
Might MiL/FiL loaded up a tracker app on DH’s phone?
We’d ask the same about any other stalker.

They sound unhinged. They have tracked you or he has let slip. You must agree with DH that it won’t happen again - unlink devices, he leaves phone at home. I’d drive if you go anywhere then if they turn up you can leave - pick up baby or if they grab him day give me my baby back and go. Don’t be polite.
They are making you unwell. Op has had an awful delivery, newish baby she needs care not confrontation.
If you give an inch they will take a mile.
I’d seriously move. Is that possible job wise etc.

‘I was in an admittedly less extreme situation but can recommend a conversation I had with my husband - one I ought to have had at least a decade before I did. 'Either you deal with them, or I will, and nobody will like what I have to say. But you will back me up, or I'll interpret that as your taking their side over mine and this marriage will never recover'.

I think he thought I wouldn't dare do it. I did: and I was right, nobody did like what I had to say. But who cares? They didn't like me to start with and I'd lost nothing and achieved the desired result. ‘

This …with knobs on.

BTW @IAmAFuckingIdiot apart from all that has been said about putting distance between your family & the PILs, what were they like when you first got together with DH?

Were they OK ? OK enough? Did something happen to them around the time of your engagement that might account for the difficult & interfering attitudes or was the engagement itself enough to set them off?

I wonder because I am baffled by their attitudes & behaviours, & how do they function in everyday life.

YANBU. Your DH needs to tell his dm to back off and give you both space asap

You need to face them head on. Now that I am older, if they had located me like that, I would have said "Goodness me, have you become stalkers?" When I was younger, I wouldn't have done. But now, I'll say anything how it is.

I would ask your dh to talk to them about the complete lack of privacy they allow you.

Did something happen to them around the time of your engagement that might account for the difficult & interfering attitudes or was the engagement itself enough to set them off?

DH is an only and we had similar - started with engagement, then marriage was worst with pfb pg.

There weren't this bad but miles stones did seem to set them off, DH leaving home, us getting engaged, married pg - always we were too young despite being much older than them at those stages - like they were shocked at passage of time.

Ironically I think they could have easily spent more time with DH as a child. They did seem taken a back after pg to how much they loved pfb and did go a bit nuts which calmed down.

I don't think they saw us as grown ups till well past our 30s despite us being very independent and having three of our own kids.

They were perfectly happy to not see their DP - DH GP at any christmas actively avoiding them had odd idea our chirstmases would revolved around them - things they wouldn't have let theri DP have a say in they expected to decide as it was differnet when it ws them.

It's better but kids are older and we are futher away and put firm boundaries in.

Don't be so ridiculous. You seriously think the OP should be celebrating Mothers Day on her own with her baby while he goes to lunch with his mother!! His first priority should be to give the mother of his own child a fabulous day.

It's not ridiculous to suggest that an adult should take their mother out on Mothering Sunday. That's the whole point of the day; for him to express his thanks to his mother for her role in his life.

The OP's son can do the same when he's old enough to understand it. It's just weird for other people to be doing it on his behalf when he's a baby.