To find them really intrusive, now?

[IAmAFuckingIdiot]

We've traditionally been close to my in-laws - DH is an only child, and I don't have parents, so it worked quite well.

When we got engaged, MIL started behaving really poorly. They became really controlling and difficult; and ignoring any boundaries. MIL's wedding antics have been a thread themselves, but I've tried to be forgiving.

To cut a long story short, they were then nightmares during my pregnancy, and I wish we'd never told them, quite honestly. They visited the hospital multiple times, guessing when I was in labour if we didn't reply to them fast enough, and then when I actually was, kicked off and had to be removed. I was preparing to be air transferred during a traumatic labour... They still don't even think they did anything wrong, they've said they won't apologise as they'd do it again.

Last week DH and I went out to eat after work, with our baby. We weren't in our town, but the next one over. The in-laws showed up and took over. MIL upset the baby, and me, and I was physically shaking throughout. They didn't leave for an hour and a half; after which the baby was inconsolable, I was stressed and my food had been taken away cold because I'd been trying to get the baby back. She ignored me completely; and kept telling DH that the baby seemed sad and wouldn't stop looking at him...

Me and DH have had words about what happened. I hope I've dealt with that angle...

But I don't believe for a second that they turned up accidentally; FIL initially suggested that they'd driven to ours (an hour away) so MIL could see the baby, and then drove around pubs to find us as we weren't in...

And I find that, and them overall, so intrusive. They've messaged DH saying how thrilled they were to see us... I was not. They demand photos. They could see us daily and it'd never be enough. MIL moans about everything, it's always a slight on her... me breastfeeding, us having a boy, etc.

I'm dreading Mother's Day. MIL will want a full day and a big meal... I don't usually mind it; but right now, they put me so on edge. I feel like crying when they're around and the CPTSD symptoms are awful for a day or so before and afterwards.

Is this unreasonable? I'm happy for DH to go by himself whenever he wants to, but he won't want to.

I find it very difficult to believe that DH didn't tell them where you were. Or that they haven't put a tracker on his phone, either with or without his consent (I would check this on both your phones immediately). Otherwise, how would they know to just check pubs? If you weren't in when they called, surely you could've been at a restaurant, a friend's house, the dump, a supermarket etc. So I would guess he at least told them that you were at "a pub" even if he didn't specifically name it.

Your dh told them which pub you were in because he's more worried about upsetting them than you. If they'd been there as customers they would have had drinks wouldnt they?.

Which means you've got to lay it on the line with him. It's not really ideal and you shouldnt have to spell it out to him like this.

But I don't believe for a second that they turned up accidentally; FIL initially suggested that they'd driven to ours (an hour away) so MIL could see the baby, and then drove around pubs to find us as we weren't in...

I'd be giving the underside of my car a very thorough inspection...

Threads like this make me thank my lucky stars I have nothing to do with my controlling wack-job in-laws

I’d stop being polite. When your FIL said that they’d driven to yours say “why would you do that? We weren’t expecting you.” And then when they say we drove around looking for you respond with “that’s a bit odd isn’t it?”
If your DH isn’t going to get them in line all bets are off. They are no longer welcome at anything and just call them out if they turn up

They either check your or DHs phone locations or would they be crazy enough to put a tracker on your car?

You need to lay down clear boundaries that you want so you DH can enforce them. Antics like that they are told to leave no ifs no buts.

You visit them they are no longer welcome at yours and then when they start you can get up and leave.

Mothers Day you DH pops in to visit for a couple of hours to see his mum, family day it's not.

He ignores a lot of their weird requests but they'll screenshot them and send them to me, then, so it doesn't really save me the problem.

Do you also ignore them? Because I definitely think you should.

They sound absurd. If they show up wherever you are, I would genuinely just stand up with the baby, walk out and drive home. Your DH can join you or stay with them, but you should leave (with the baby!). Yes it’s rude, but so are they.

They either check your or DHs phone locations or would they be crazy enough to put a tracker on your car?

Highly unlikely. Those levels of deranged obsession would be highly worrying if so, the kind of behaviour around which I'd seek police intervention if I found clear evidence of it. But this won't be happening. It's akin to cheap melodrama and the more plausible explanation is usually the boring one. I'd bet you a giant Toblerone to a stick of Wrigley's that it's the husband telling them.

Not that tracking your whereabouts amongst the local pubs isn't so far out of line that it doesn't need slapping down, hard and fast.

OP - your husband could go without you, but doesn't want to? He's an autonomous adult. That is HIS decision.

I'd start by blocking the PILs' numbers and dropping her them all social media. When the faeces hits the rotating blades - and it will - you can tell them precisely why it's happening, and say further forms of contact will be withdrawn unless they dial this back.

I was in an admittedly less extreme situation but can recommend a conversation I had with my husband - one I ought to have had at least a decade before I did. 'Either you deal with them, or I will, and nobody will like what I have to say. But you will back me up, or I'll interpret that as your taking their side over mine and this marriage will never recover'.

I think he thought I wouldn't dare do it. I did: and I was right, nobody did like what I had to say. But who cares? They didn't like me to start with and I'd lost nothing and achieved the desired result.

You have to change this situation if you want it to change, OP. It's all-but guaranteed that no one else will.

As a PP advises, also tell your DH to stop screenshotting their weirdness to you. You don't want to hear about it. Time for him to deal with it.

Book yourself something for mother's Day now. Don't let her take over. Tell your DH he IS stepping up, his mother is not invited.

I'm happy for DH to go by himself whenever he wants to, but he won't want to.

So? Just tell him you aren’t going. What he then does is up to him.

YOU need boundaries. DH does too but you really need them. Why did MIL get to hold your baby at the pub? Why did she continue to not give the baby back?

Frankly, nuclear is the only option sometimes. If someone doesn't give my baby back and I'm shaking, I say, "you need to give my child back to me now." And if they don't, "you need to give him back now or I will call the police." I am not joking.

They turn up unannounced, you walk out.

They send you screenshots, you block their number.

@IAmAFuckingIdiot

DH definitely didn't tell them where we were. I think they probably did drive around and look for us, it's a very "them" thing to do...

MIL tried to say that they had been sat with a drink near the entrance and heard a baby that they thought might be ours; but they weren't at the entrance a few minutes earlier when I'd gone to the car, and they didn't have drinks. Or anything, actually, in the whole time they were there.

I do have a DH problem though, he feels that he can't cut them off as he's their only child and they're getting older. He finds it much easier to just ignore their craziness than I do; but he does always say that if I tell him what I need, he'll do it. He ignores a lot of their weird requests but they'll screenshot them and send them to me, then, so it doesn't really save me the problem. He did tell them to back off after the birth and he's stopped them coming in when they just turn up... some of it is on me for agreeing that I'm okay to go every now and again, and then regretting it.

Thanks for the reassurance that it's not me being totally unreasonable, though. It helps more than I can say.

You need to tell Dh that if he doesn’t step up and respond appropriately it will destroy your relationship with PIL (although I suspect they have done that already) and ultimately with you.

I’d move.
Seriously.
They are fucking nuts.

Bet you a quid they’ve got ‘Find my Phone’ for your husband’s phone…

I would be really surprised if you DH didn't tell them or they are tracking his phone either with out without his knowledge.

Your DH really is the problem here. You can't solve it on your own but he can. Doesn't he not realise that he has all the control here. He is the only children and their only grandchildren.

He needs to tell them to back the hell off or it will damage the relationship long term.

He also needs to understand that as it's your first mother's day he will be spending it with you and your child. Tell him he can go to his mum's for an hour for breakfast only and that's that.

If you PILs and DH are using iPhones, this is a dead easy way for someone to know where they are. It's in your iMessages. You can share location just for that moment when it's needed or you can share it I definitely, in which case they'll always be able to know where you are

that should say *indefinitely

I’d say it’s time to make some changes in the way you deal with this.
I’d be stepping back from contact with them and only meet up with them if you want to, when you want to, and on your own terms.
If they turn up unannounced, don’t let them in. Yes, you can leave them on your doorstep.
Your dh MUST back you up on this, and more, he should be angry that they are you treating you and your family in this way. He needs to stand up for you . And tell him you don’t want to see any screenshots of their texts. It’s up to him to sort it, you are not interested.
As for them turning up when you are in a pub in the next town, this is pretty stalkerish behaviour. How on earth could they possibly have known that you’d gone out, when, and where? Either they are tracking you through your phones or car (very unlikely, in my book) or your H has told them where you are going. I know which my money is on. Tell them all (h included) that this has to stop. Get angry with them! Hell, I’m angry with them and I am just some internet random!
They turn up when you are out for a meal? Ask them to leave. They don’t go? Then remove yourself from the situation.

Enough is enough and it’s time you stopped being so nice!

I agree, your dh told them, unless they’ve somehow accessed your phones and turned on find my friend or whatever. He needs to stop sharing everything with them.

I also agree with getting angry, you’re being too nice, your dh is a passive coward and it’s time to find out who is more important to him, you or his crazy sounding mother.

No, no, no , no , no. Just no. They are utterly unreasonable.

DO NOT allow husband to visit them on his own with the baby,
Then they will try to say all sorts of insane things to him, and worse, to the child as it grows up. They see ALL of you or none of you. You are a family unit - stick together.

They sounds batshit.

I do hope they don't have a key to your home!

This is really bizarre, unacceptable behaviour. You need to take control now. Mothers Day is for you, tell your DH to visit his DM during the day for short visit. If you piss them off it honestly doesn't matter, you and your baby are more important. DH needs to put you first. Put your foot down now or you'll be living with this forever. Your mental health matters more than their clinginess. It's not your problem, it really isn't. Just stop dealing with DH parents, he and they need to wise up or bugger off.

Turn of location on your phones, both of them. Block your laws on your phone so they only contact dh

Advise dh on Mother’s Day you expect to be spoilt in the morning, if he then chooses to see his mother in the afternoon that’s fine, you ans baby will stay at home so you can enjoy the rest of the day in peace and he can see his mother

If they turn up again as they did this time I would simply walk out telling them this was your family time, not theirs so you, baby and dh are going home and no they are not invited

Dh needs to set some clear boundaries with them. Sit down with him and work out what you both want, he can then share them

If you don’t want to meet up with them then don’t go