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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do you accept that you aren't beautiful?

204 replies

000oooh · 26/02/2022 22:36

I know it really isn't the most important thing in life. But still, it would be great to look in the mirror and not scrutinise myself.
Today my partner and I talked to one of his friend's new girlfriends, she was exceptionally beautiful, far more attractive than me and I'm sure 99% of people would say so. I know my partner loves the way I look and is with me, but I'd be a fool if I said he wouldn't have also found her very beautiful.

Sometimes I'm just tempted to get cosmetic enhancements. I've already had nose filler, but only surgery would truly solve it.

I don't think I am unattractive, but I'm just not beautiful. I get told I look 'cute' a lot, and I saw my partner's male friend smiling sweetly at me as if I were a puppy.

I make the best of myself and try to focus on other achievements/things I like about myself.

I sometimes just wish I could be beautiful.

OP posts:

Chestofdraws · 27/02/2022 07:51

@000oooh

Sadly I feel like some people are visual, and even if a man is with you and loves you, if someone they deem better looking comes along and whose personality they also like then some will think "Well she seems like a better option." I feel like looks do matter to some extent

Is this what you really think of your partner, that he’s always on the lookout for something better? What ha he done to make you think this is what he does? Or Is this how you behave? This is not how most people behave in secure relationships.

Fairislefandango · 27/02/2022 08:07

What it comes down to is a lack of confidence and self-esteem, OP, not anything wrong with your looks. Do you honestly think your nose is going to cause your partner to go off with another woman (with a better nose)?

I'm betting that nobody else would think there was anything remotely wrong with your nose. I expect you got it into your head years ago (maybe as a teen) that there was something wrong with it, and you've made that one feature the focus of your insecurity.

If only you could make your nose perfect, you'd be beautiful... Only it wouldn'twork. You'd soon find another bit that wasn't perfect. Because it's not about noses, hair or boobs or whatever- it's about your own self-image.

So what if your partner would ask some woman out if he were single. Yep, that's what people do if they're single. He might just as likely also ask out women who are less attractive than you. So what?

DrSbaitso · 27/02/2022 08:11

Most people aren't "beautiful" in that sense. It's hard to be too down about it when about 98% of people are the same.

Helps to remember that nobody is staring at and scrutinising you the way you are.

Oldtiredfedup · 27/02/2022 08:13

It really really really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Original poster

000oooh · 27/02/2022 08:16

Thanks everyone.
I've attached pics of my nose, I know this is going to look ridiculous because objectively it looks 'fine', I just feel that it's not straight enough and it's protruding from the side, plus wide, but I know it's really not that bad and I'm being stupid.
It's just that the rest of my features are quite petite and I always felt like I'd suit a smaller nose.

The other thing that gets me down is my haircut, it's a short asymmetric pixie cut, I just regret cutting it and think my face would look much nicer with long hair. I'll just have to wait for it to grow I suppose.

OP posts:

Original poster

000oooh · 27/02/2022 08:17

I had a couple of comments from guys in my early 20s that I had a 'big nose'. I know they're complete idiots to say that though

OP posts:

NETSRIK · 27/02/2022 08:20

Not everyone judges beauty as you do. Be happy with what you have. Self confidence is in itself a beautiful thing. Self doubt and low esteem is draining for others around you. I know this as have spent a fair share of my time with people who moan about how they look when they look perfectly fine.

DrSbaitso · 27/02/2022 08:26

@000oooh

I had a couple of comments from guys in my early 20s that I had a 'big nose'. I know they're complete idiots to say that though

Yes, and with respect, you'd be an idiot if you let a pair of twats from however long ago dictate your life decisions.

Have procedures if you think they would help YOU. Don't do it because you're a slave to shitbrained losers. They were probably negging you in the hope of sleeping with you anyway.

Dumbitdown · 27/02/2022 08:29

I had a guy call me boring because I wouldn't chat with him in a club. More than one called me a wierdo and a few others called me a slut! Everyone called me small, tiny, cute, adorable. In my early 20s they would rest their pint on my head and hoot. My (tall) partner loves me just as I am and I love him. Those other people can go suck their own.

Honestly, I think your nose is absolutely fine. If you want to get surgery, go ahead, but understand that you will not feel more beautiful and you will not stop comparing yourself to other women until you work on your inner self.

SquirrelFan · 27/02/2022 08:29

I don't know, OP, I completely get it. I'm in my 50s and still wish to be (or even to have been) beautiful. It's so demoralizing looking in the mirror. I'm not hideous, people don't turn and stare, but just to have the confidence that I look amazing would buoy me up a great deal.

RavenclawsRoar · 27/02/2022 08:30

Your nose is fine. You are fine. Worry less about what other people think about you. Who cares what some random blokes have said to you in the past. Even if they were absolute gods with flawless features and physiques (which i doubt), what honest difference does it make to your life if they think you have a big nose or not? Let it go. Embrace your nose and yourself and stop letting your insecurities get the better of you.

Cstring · 27/02/2022 08:35

That doesn’t look like a big nose to me. It looks a perfectly reasonable size. You sound like you are too focussed on this.
Try to think about it objectively- someone will always be better at absolutely everything, and I guarantee those ‘beautiful’ people will also have something they dislike about themselves.

SummerRain41287 · 27/02/2022 08:45

Your choice of words "exceptionally beautiful" is what concerns me the most about your post. Not the nose fillers or even your wish to get plastic surgery. That's entirely your choice and it's your body. Just remember that surgery will not fix what is going on in your head. Only therapy can fix that.

I'm about 99% sure that if you showed us pictures of the few women you have described as "exceptionally beautiful", that at least 50% of us would have described these women as "attractive" or maybe even "beautiful". But "exceptionally beautiful" is an odd choice of words to describe someone. Even if they are.

For example, I think that Naomi Campbell is "exceptionally beautiful". But I would never use those words to describe her. I'd call her "stunning" or simply "beautiful".

I think what I'm getting at or trying to ask you is, what is it, in your eyes, that makes these particular women "exceptionally" beautiful? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but this particular adjective feels like it's coming from a place rooted in your own insecurities. Am I wrong about this? If so, then I apologise.

I want you to ask yourself some serious questions about why you feel that other women are "exceptionally" beautiful in comparison to you. Because let's face it, the person we are describing as "beautiful" or "pretty", 9 times out of 10, is in comparison to ourselves.

Ilostit · 27/02/2022 08:47

I have a lot of very beautiful friends (I was always described as beautiful from a young age but never thought I was). I’ve noticed all my very beautiful friends struggling with ageing. As I never thought I was I’ve not done a thing to my face and my friends are like why haven’t you got lines here etc etc I’ve put it down to not worry too much about how I look and focussing and staying strong inside. I could deffo work on my self esteem though and I think that’s what you should do.

Tarne · 27/02/2022 08:47

I used to be a model when I was young and I could never believe I would be paid a lot for what I didn't see but other people apparently did.

So what I am saying is, even if you were considered beautiful in other people's eyes, there is no guarantee you would feel you are beautiful!

Plenty of models feel ugly and the most beautiful girls and women can have body dysmorphia.

My daughter is a model and my friend scoffs at the thought she and her model friends could possibly have 'fat days'.

So it's all tied up to mental well being and emotional health.

The fact you were attractive enough to gain a lovely partner should make you appreciate your good fortune, good looks and personality as these things cannot be separated in making up what is the whole you 😊

SummerRain41287 · 27/02/2022 08:50

@000oooh I've just seen the picture of your nose. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Which confirms what I originally thought, that your opinions about the beauty of other women is more deeply rooted in how you feel about yourself. Not to say they aren't attractive, they probably are, but I still doubt that they are as attractive as you think they are. Please at least consider therapy before going under the knife again. I'm not saying don't go under the knife at all, because as I said, it's your body, you are a grown woman and can do whatever you want if it will make you feel better. I just would urge you to consider therapy first, that's all.

ByHook0rByCrook · 27/02/2022 08:54

Your worth is not measured by your looks.

Your worth is not measured by your attractiveness, an arbitrary and meaningless concept.

Your worth isn't measured by how many men want to fuck you.

Your worth exists, unchanging, constant, and real, because you are a unique, sovereign human being in your own right.

You do not exist to be looked at.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/02/2022 08:55

Tbh if money weren't an issue you could have the surgery. I'm all for the 'love yourself' mantras but if it's going to make you happier then do something about it if you can. I've had filler, a friend has had lipo. Of course what's on the inside 'matters more' and all that but I also like to look good.

Ipadflowers · 27/02/2022 09:01

@Ilostit

Well you defintely don’t sound like you’ve self esteem issues 😃

SummerRain41287 · 27/02/2022 09:01

@ByHook0rByCrook

Your worth is not measured by your looks.

Your worth is not measured by your attractiveness, an arbitrary and meaningless concept.

Your worth isn't measured by how many men want to fuck you.

Your worth exists, unchanging, constant, and real, because you are a unique, sovereign human being in your own right.

You do not exist to be looked at.

I love this. Copy and paste this into your Notes on your phone OP. Read it every morning.

Funkyslippers · 27/02/2022 09:15

I always say to my DD who is sometimes insecure about her looks that some of the most interesting famous people are not technically beautiful but have confidence and that shines through more than anything else. Think Helen Mirren, Olivia Colman, Vicky McClure, Suranne Jones....I always think of a mum at DDs old school who was immensely popular because she was warm and funny. That made her attractive inside and out. She wasn't what people would call 'beautiful'. Did any of her friends care? Not a jot.

CrotchetyQuaver · 27/02/2022 09:18

Beauty is only skin deep, it's what's inside that matters. My late mother considered herself beautiful, I was a disappointment as I wasn't so didn't live up to her expectations. What a load of old cobblers. She fell out with everyone, had absolutely no friends. She claimed they were jealous of her, like hell they were. Beauty fades, your character and the way you go about things are far more important. The older I've got, the more I realise the damage her outlook has caused me.

You should re-evaluate your priorities.

kimbyy · 27/02/2022 09:22

Look round the vast majority aren't beautiful just like the vast majority aren't athletes or geniuses.

Thedogshow · 27/02/2022 09:23

It’s a huge waste of time to wish you were beautiful and compare yourself to other people. Use the energy on other more positive, less introspective things.

Looks are transient and a matter of opinion anyway, so just make the best of yourself, try to be confident and if you can’t do that then do something positive for the world like volunteering at a charity and you will feel better about yourself and gain some perspective.

Thedogshow · 27/02/2022 09:25

And as above… being interesting is far better than being beautiful.
Possibly you need to reevaluate who you hang out with if this worry is perpetuated by them

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