To think LTB is not always financially possible?

[BigupPemberleyMassive]

Especially with so many people struggling on dual incomes, is wanting the kids to be in a dual income, but frosty home unreasonable?

I'm not talking about things like alcoholism or violence, but threads where OP says husband flirted with a co worker by text etc. Obviously not acceptable, but if the choice is separate, move to a smaller more affordable place, an area with bad schools or stay and put up with it but kids have more financial stability?

Median UK salary is £30,000 and often less for women who have taken time out of paid work to have children.

AIBU to think sometimes financial reasons mean one can't LTB?

Or is it better to be struggling financially, and the kids can't do karate anymore or whatever, but you have dignity?

It’s not. And having seen £20,000.00 quoted for solicitor fees earlier, I’m thinking of sticking with it.

If its dignity vs karate and a life of low level abuse I know what I am choosing...

Of course it is unreasonable to prioritise money over an unemotional,cold, unloving household.

It's often not clear cut, every situation is different despite the familiar similarities in the narratives. Factors such as familial alienation/estrangement, disability, offspring disability, rural or impoverished neighbourhoods, insidious financial abuse or merely entangled finances, are all much more difficult to overcome when the coffers are empty.

However I'd say living with dignity is always paramount. Children do pick up on atmospheres and examples set by both parents. I grew up in poverty, but my father's volatile and controlling treatment of my mother was the cloud over my childhood.

Anything is better than children witnessing their mother being seriously disrespected.

Benefits are available, but yes I know sometimes separate accommodation is very hard to sort. I was lucky, in that I had enough for a deposit and to cover the monthly shortfall in Housing Benefit on a private rental.

It really depends whether the issue is "just" the text flirtation or whether that's just one example of serious disrespect or even abuse.

Well, I think it can be harder for middle class mums because they're locked in to ideals of good schools, nice accents, ballet and karate. I relocated to a much, much cheaper area and was to be honest ''rejected'' by the group of mums I would have been accepted by if i'd been a married mother doing drop offs and pick ups in a car, talking about a husband. BUT, all of that is absolute nonsense and doesn't come close to the pain of being trapped under the same roof as an abusive man. Whether it's emotional, verbal or financial. They usually all go together, to a degree.

I think the easiest thing to do is to accept that you're not going to be able to participate in that kind of thing any more. Ballet, private schools. Ignore it all. Accept your new life. Bide your time. Feather your nest. I know it's easy for me to type this as I did have family help and I left nearly 15 years ago and I'm still not in as good a financial situation as I would be in if I'd married a good guy and stayed married, but I'm ok. better than OK and the kids are not going to need a decade's worth of therapy so that's important.

Yeh, when you're going to very obviously go DOWN a rung in the social strata, that is a difficult leap to make.

I know it's not that extreme for most people but it felt it for me (and it was, because he was such an unreasonable arse, which is why I had to leave him! But, he didn't become kind, reasonable or fair after I left him)

I think its easier to ignore some lower level issues and stay together, rather than what can feel like the nuclear option of splitting up.

@Ionlydomassiveones There's nothing to lose there though? If like my friend you are moving from a lovely home, great schools , considered a nice area etc and having to start all over in a rough area, it can make you think twice. (She's thriving by the way!)

I don't think anyone stays unhappy for the extra curricular activities the kids can do, but the bigger stuff like education/schools etc.

Well yes on here some people are trigger happy with their ltb comments. In real life though, many women seem willing to put up with far too much shit in relationships.

How many men wonder about the financial impact on their dc of them flirting with their co-worker on text I wonder?

My mother stayed for the financial stability.

I grew up in a financially comfortable but emotionally tarnished household.

I’d have preferred if she had left, TBH.

Knowing what I know now I regret leaving my ex when I did and most of that is financial.

There is no doubt that children suffer from losing financial stability.

Looking back I wish we could have agreed that the marriage was dead and faked it for a while.

If I left DH I would need to earn almost over £30000 just to cover nursery fees and nothing else (so mortgage, food, gas, electric, council tax, clothes, etc). I have no family who could help with childcare. I’m going to re-evaluate my options when both DC are at school.

UC doesn’t help pay the mortgage (they give you a loan to pay the the interest after 9 months)

I imagine a lot of women who have mortgages are stuck with lazy DHs until the kids get older and/the amount of equity in house increases enough that they would have enough of a deposit to put down on a new house.

If its dignity vs karate and a life of low level abuse I know what I am choosing...

Agreed and I know what the children would choose too.

As a single parent myself I struggle to understand why people use this excuse.

Yes of course it’s going to be financially harder but I think that’s because the adult doesn’t want to give up their lifestyle, they’re not putting the children first.

Obviously it depends what the situation is.
Many times on MN I’ve seen posters say LTB for irrelevant things like recently ‘liking’ sexy pictures on Instagram or giving a female colleague a lift home.
But then I’ve read threads like when someone’s partner doesn’t like their child and I think FFS stop thinking about the money side (or with your vagina) and leave for your kids sake.

Absolutely @WonderfulYou.

And I think when middle class mums start "In a way it can be harder for those who have more to give up" they need to have a MN head wobble and try to imagine what it's like contemplating a step down when you're already on the breadline.

It’s always financially possible.

The difference is that it’s not always financially desirable.

It's hardest for SAHMs or those isolated. I wouldn't want to tolerate being with a man for financial reasons, I find that notion repulsive.

@JanglyBeads

Anything is better than children witnessing their mother being seriously disrespected.

Benefits are available, but yes I know sometimes separate accommodation is very hard to sort. I was lucky, in that I had enough for a deposit and to cover the monthly shortfall in Housing Benefit on a private rental.

This.

It's often a question of timing. The question is when you LTB.

You're right in as much as its often not possible to LTB immediately. But its almost always possible to LTB over time with a bit of planning and third party support.

Wanting to wait a few weeks/months even years to get your house in order before leaving is entirely reasonable. Making a long term calculation that financial security will offset a miserable, cold marriage for the rest of your life is making a rod for your back. Ultimately you will feel dead inside for doing this, you'll never have any self-respect or freedom and you're setting a terrible example to your children.

What's the wider cost of setting children up with models of poor relationships in the future?

What's the cost to your own life and mental health?

What's the ££ value you assign to those before making decisions about the finances?

@Porcupineintherough

Well yes on here some people are trigger happy with their ltb comments. In real life though, many women seem willing to put up with far too much shit in relationships.

Is it for lack of follow-up stories of how it eventually proved out to be for the best despite the initial privations and downsides?

Or because we tend to repeat the same mistakes with similar partners?

Interesting thread and I don't think it is possible for many parents in the south east to buy / set up two households instead of one. In my case, for instance, if we split up then I could buy again but it would need to be a small two or three bed house for my three girls and I. That would be tough and I'd also probably need to work full time to pay for the new mortgage. So would be working longer hours than I do now and with a different kind of stress. Life wouldn't be simpler just different I believe.

I've just finished watching the Rooney documentary on amazon prime. Colleen could afford to leave of course but seems to want to keep the marriage together knowing that sometimes he will cheat but he still loves her and they like their shared family life. I think she takes the view nothing is perfect but better for the kids to know their dad? She also kept referencing how strong they were inside... I thought this might be a reference to her faith but she didn't couch it in those terms.

@GeneLovesJezebel

It’s not. And having seen £20,000.00 quoted for solicitor fees earlier, I’m thinking of sticking with it.

It doesn't have to cost that much. I did a lot of the work myself and my overall costs were a fraction of that, even using a barrister for court. If my ex hadn't been so difficult I would have spent even less.

However, I get that cost can still be a barrier to getting out .