Do you forgive and forget easily or hold a grudge?

[SloppyJoJo]

I want to be more like my husband who 24 hours after an issue, can barely even remember what happened and has forgiven and moved on. He doesn’t hold a grudge against anyone and forgives everyone although I think part of this is because he can’t even remember said incidents to hold a grudge. I however remember the exact details of every little thing and do not forget ever and have it all stored in my brain and can recall a long list every time I see specific people I feel have done me wrong. This also includes my husband! Which are you?

It depends on the matter at hand. I've held 3 grudges that I can think of over the last decade or so. Everything else has been shrugged off!

It depends. If an incident has been talked about and resolved I can move on. If the incident is never resolved it remains an open wound,

I hold grudges. It's not great but I do it to protect myself I think. E.g. SIL said things about me that were unkind and ten years later I keep my distance. She puts down a lot of people and acts like Mrs perfect herself. So I just keep away. It's a bit awkward.

Maybe I should be more forgiving.

It really, really depends. If there's some kind of apology or attempt to make good, I can forgive and forget more or less anything (obviously barring really, really terrible stuff). When someone abuses you or acts like a total turd, and then just tries to pick up as if nothing happened, no.

@Pegasussnail

I hold grudges. It's not great but I do it to protect myself I think. E.g. SIL said things about me that were unkind and ten years later I keep my distance. She puts down a lot of people and acts like Mrs perfect herself. So I just keep away. It's a bit awkward.

Maybe I should be more forgiving.

You can forgive without allowing yourself to get close so she can do damage. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to be besties.

There’s only a couple of things I still hold a grudge about. Anything else, I’ve been able to let go of really easily because if I didn’t then it would have only held me back so what’s the point?!!

I don’t hold grudges, life is too short. In my experience, the majority of people are experts at nursing grudges though. About the most trivial things.

I think it comes with being passive aggressive, and I think that there are far more PA people about than any other type.

I laughed when a woman at work, who is generally a fun person, said, “if anyone slights me, even if they don’t mean to, they are on my shit list forever and I’ll do anything I can to make their lives difficult”. Although maybe Inshoudn’t have laughed because she 100% meant it.

Depends how much I love the person involved.
With close family, there is too much to lose to let a grudge fester, one of us will apogise.
Jeremy Hunt on the other hand, I will never forgive and never forget that fucker.

It depends what the issue was. I'm easy going about accidental things like cancelled events, broken possessions, ruined holidays, even if they could have been avoided. .

But I don't like being lied to, and my ds being put at risk by ex, or generally any interference by ex's weird witch of a new woman brings me out in boils.

Hold grudges forever. I said on a thread about this recently, I know the whole only hurting myself thing, but I cannot ever forget if something has really hurt me or pissed me off. This is big stuff, I don't tend to be petty (although there are a few things I brood over that could be seen as very minor). I never forgive and I never forget.

Depends.
If someone has done something to me I can normally move on from it.

If they do something to my children or husband I hold a grudge till the end of time.

There's a bastard of a neighbour I haven't acknowledged for about 10 years because he was really rude to my husband. My husband makes small talk with him quite happily and tells me to not let it bother me because this man is rude to everyone and clearly has issues.

I don't give a shit. He was breathtakingly rude to my husband while he was actually helping this man!

It's a small development of older people's homes and my husband had gone over to salt all their paths so they would be safe. This bloke leaned out his window and hurled abuse at my husband for using their salt that their service charge paid for.

Erm. He was using it on your paths you arsehole. He's the reason you can actually get out of your door after snow without falling on your arse.

They have the community transport bus they need to be able to safely get to etc.

I told my husband to never bother in future. Let him fall.

But he's a much better person than I am and he still salts his path when he does the others.
Not only that but he goes to fetch the salt from the box at the end of our road rather than use 'his'... To salt HIS PATH!! It's ridiculous.

Meanwhile the nasty bastard is dead to me.

I wouldn’t hold a grudge per se. That’s headspace that can be put to better use. I do move on but not without change.

You can’t forget something that has happened. You process it and decide whether it makes a difference to things in the future. If it does then adjust to protect or improve your situation. I won’t sweep under the carpet and pretend something hasn’t happened. But no grudge or vendetta.

I’m not really sure what forgiveness is and why it matters for someone. It seems more like absolution and that’s not in my gift to give. When someone does wrong then putting it right and redeeming themselves is on them. I am not here to absorb guilt which should be rightly felt by someone who did wrong. I’ll get on with my life.

@Imsittinginthekitchensink

Hold grudges forever. I said on a thread about this recently, I know the whole only hurting myself thing, but I cannot ever forget if something has really hurt me or pissed me off. This is big stuff, I don't tend to be petty (although there are a few things I brood over that could be seen as very minor). I never forgive and I never forget.

Same here. Not proud of it but it’s how I am

Gosh all that grudging sounds exhausting. I'm like your DH, it's not that I don't have a good memory it's that I choose not to remember things that upset me, although I realise being able to chose is a lucky character quirk not an actual choice (as in some dreadful things have happened to me but they don't hang over me like you would expect, I actively forget them, I can recall them if needed but I don't and even though one especially is amongst the worst things that could happen to a person it doesn't affect my life)

Forgive and forget ... until you cross "the line" then I am done.

My sibling remembers everything and told me one it their deepest regrets/shames was an argument in our early 20s with me.
Apparently in the heat on an argument they threw an entire pint of cold water in my face 😂😂😂 - I don't have general memory issues but have ZERO recollection and was sober when it happened it weighed so heavily on them for over a decade!!!! When they told me I laughed and wondered what dickish thing I had done to deserve it! 🤣 I told them how sad it made me that they'd be carrying this burden round and not think think if it again. We get on great but lots of squabbling when younger. I think it lessened the load but they can't let it (or anything) go.

Sibling doesn't process emotion real time they shut up shop and fester over it. And ruminates a lot.
I process in real time. I let it out say my piece to the person, my dh, a friend, the dog....whoever.
I really think it's one of my biggest strengths tbh

I don't hold grudges and am quick to move on after arguments etc. I'm thankful for that. I do feel things very deeply though and it is not the same as being about to forget about it, more about moving past it.

I think for me it's partly connected to being a people pleaser and putting other's feelings first.

My DH is a grudger (interestingly he grew up in a very pass agg environment, whereas I grew up in one which would be big explosion followed by apology and I think that's part of it too).

In the past I found his grudges and moods frustrating and couldn't understand why he didn't just move on, I saw it as sign of emotional immaturity, but I have come to realise it's not something he can easily change.

I'm pretty much like your dh, I can't hold a grudge even if I wanted to. I can't bear the awkwardness and unpleasantness, so I just move on and sometimes make excuses for people in my head. My dh is the opposite and will hold a grudge to the end of time. I like to think we balance each other up.

When they told me the story I did dimly remember the water but couldn't remember what the argument was about and it didn't make me "feel" anything although I am sure I was pissed off at the time!

I forgive and forget very quickly. Even when I shouldn't. But it is like as soon as it is over, my brain moves on and I can't stay upset or angry. I don't deliberately do it and it was really damaging in my last long term relationship because i kept forgiving him. So after many years, I started writing a list of everything he had done to me and his behaviour so that when I could feel myself forgiving, i would read it and re-anger myself.

I am like your husband mostly. One of the pluses of my appalling memory

I do occasionally hold grudges though, in particular if someone has been unfair or unpleasant to my son. Mostly though I don't particularly if it is something fairly minor like being late or inconveniencing me

I generally prefer not to discuss it much either so someone is welcome to apologise but that doesn't mean I am more or less likely to move on. I think I only hold grudges if I think the person was being deliberately unpleasant and I generally give most people the benefit of the doubt that they didn't have bad intentions. So I can much more easily forgive carelessness than is usual I think as I can always imagine myself doing the same thing.

If it becomes clear that a person is trying to hurt me or mine deliberately then maybe I would hold a grudge more, though a lot would depend on whether they succeeded

@WouldIwasShookspeared

Depends. If someone has done something to me I can normally move on from it.

If they do something to my children or husband I hold a grudge till the end of time.

There's a bastard of a neighbour I haven't acknowledged for about 10 years because he was really rude to my husband. My husband makes small talk with him quite happily and tells me to not let it bother me because this man is rude to everyone and clearly has issues.

I don't give a shit. He was breathtakingly rude to my husband while he was actually helping this man!

It's a small development of older people's homes and my husband had gone over to salt all their paths so they would be safe. This bloke leaned out his window and hurled abuse at my husband for using their salt that their service charge paid for.

Erm. He was using it on your paths you arsehole. He's the reason you can actually get out of your door after snow without falling on your arse.

They have the community transport bus they need to be able to safely get to etc.

I told my husband to never bother in future. Let him fall.

But he's a much better person than I am and he still salts his path when he does the others.
Not only that but he goes to fetch the salt from the box at the end of our road rather than use 'his'... To salt HIS PATH!! It's ridiculous.

Meanwhile the nasty bastard is dead to me.

You see, I would be wondering why the guy has shouted:

Was he worried about money
Did he misunderstand
Was he anxious about having someone on his path
What might have happened to him to make him an angry bitter person

I wonder whether this is why I wouldn't hold a grudge? Is there a connection between curiosity / empathy and grudges?

Jeremy Hunt on the other hand, I will never forgive and never forget that fucker.

And we wonder why so few ‘normal’ people don’t go into politics! I assume that you have never met Jeremy Hunt and don’t know him personally and yet here you are proudly announcing your eternal hatred for him. Who would willingly expose him to that?

…or generally any interference by ex's weird witch of a new woman brings me out in boils

Wow, that is some hatred there. If she’s your ex’s new girlfriend I assume that you don’t know her very well, right? I feel a bit sorry for her.

I told my husband to never bother in future. Let him fall.

Meanwhile the nasty bastard is dead to me.

(This is in relation to the old bloke who told the PP’s husband not to use the salt in the container by the retirement complex on the paths.)

I don’t get this. It sounds like a misunderstanding and the old guy might not be 100% with it. Your husband has forgiven him and they are on cordial terms, yet you are wishing for an old man’s death? Christ.

I’m not really sure what forgiveness is and why it matters for someone.

I sort of see what you describe as forgiveness.

A willingness to move past what that person did.

For some it's easier than others.

I don't hold grudges. Life is too short and I don't want to carry that sort of negative energy.

I wouldn't say that I forget, but I do usually forgive pretty quickly and let things go. If something was truly unforgiveable, then that would have to be the end of the relationship with someone, but I would still try to move on as quickly as I could.

Once you've crossed the line with me there's no going back. It's not exhausting at all as I just get on with my life without them in it.