Do you forgive and forget easily or hold a grudge?

[SloppyJoJo]

I want to be more like my husband who 24 hours after an issue, can barely even remember what happened and has forgiven and moved on. He doesn’t hold a grudge against anyone and forgives everyone although I think part of this is because he can’t even remember said incidents to hold a grudge. I however remember the exact details of every little thing and do not forget ever and have it all stored in my brain and can recall a long list every time I see specific people I feel have done me wrong. This also includes my husband! Which are you?

@Iamthewombat

I don’t hold grudges, life is too short. In my experience, the majority of people are experts at nursing grudges though. About the most trivial things.

I think it comes with being passive aggressive, and I think that there are far more PA people about than any other type.

I laughed when a woman at work, who is generally a fun person, said, “if anyone slights me, even if they don’t mean to, they are on my shit list forever and I’ll do anything I can to make their lives difficult”. Although maybe Inshoudn’t have laughed because she 100% meant it.

I can see why she manages to obtain so many grudges.

@WouldIwasShookspeared

Depends. If someone has done something to me I can normally move on from it.

If they do something to my children or husband I hold a grudge till the end of time.

There's a bastard of a neighbour I haven't acknowledged for about 10 years because he was really rude to my husband. My husband makes small talk with him quite happily and tells me to not let it bother me because this man is rude to everyone and clearly has issues.

I don't give a shit. He was breathtakingly rude to my husband while he was actually helping this man!

It's a small development of older people's homes and my husband had gone over to salt all their paths so they would be safe. This bloke leaned out his window and hurled abuse at my husband for using their salt that their service charge paid for.

Erm. He was using it on your paths you arsehole. He's the reason you can actually get out of your door after snow without falling on your arse.

They have the community transport bus they need to be able to safely get to etc.

I told my husband to never bother in future. Let him fall.

But he's a much better person than I am and he still salts his path when he does the others.
Not only that but he goes to fetch the salt from the box at the end of our road rather than use 'his'... To salt HIS PATH!! It's ridiculous.

Meanwhile the nasty bastard is dead to me.

If it doesn't bother your husband, I can't see why it would bother you so much, or how his being "dead" to you makes much difference to however he was to you before. If it's a development of homes for older people, there are all sorts of possible reasons why the guy would be rude and ungrateful. None of them make it right, but it doesn't seem likely that he was rude because he's an evil person who just wanted to make your husband unhappy.

Seems a bit of an overreaction, in spirit anyway.

I wonder if some people hold grudges because they think it's proof of how loyal they are to their families or something.

No I am mostly like your husband. That is not to say that there are people I don’t like but I don’t have a list of reasons why just my general perception of their behaviour and personalities.

Also my relationship with people can improve, my current sister in law did not behave at all well with our family for a long time however she is much better now that they are married and has really settled down and lovely to everyone now, . I actually think she has many issues from her childhood so I am not going to hold her past behaviour against her.

I forgive and forget. Grudges only affect the Holder - the subject of the grudge probably doesn’t even know about the ill-will towards them.

That said, if someone really hurts me I just carry on my life without them. No anger towards them (bar the initial hurt), just move on without them. I’d be pleasant and polite if I bumped into them but no angry or overt friendship either.

Unfortunately I hold grudges and regularly seethe about things that happened years ago !

I don’t hold grudges, life is too short and it’s too much like hard work.

Meant to add, with no criticism, I’m slightly jaw dropped about those who hold grudges to the extent people are ‘dead to me’. Not in a critical way, more it’s just so alien to me and my psyche that I just can’t fathom how that feels. We all different!

I wonder if some people hold grudges because they think it's proof of how loyal they are to their families or something

Yes. Several posts to this effect. It’s almost like a weird sort of virtue signalling: if anyone disturbs my ‘little family’ fantasy by shouting at my husband, or telling my son not to do something, I will hate them FOR EVER because that isn’t how the fairy tale goes.

Im currently reading 'how to be wrong' by James O' Brian (I've only read the first couple of chapters) but he talks about finding solace by accepting what happened and what you can learn so you don't repeat the same mistake in the future). By showing forgiveness it's not for the person but to give you peace of mind. I have had many occasions where people have treated me badly and because I'm a people pleaser I continued to repeat the same pattern of behaviour, nowadays I recognise the signs in others and walk away with my self esteem intact. As for those who have caused this change of heart... I feel sorry for them because they will always be spreading their bile without me in their lives (this has taken me hours of therapy to get to this point). I can't change what happened in the past but I do have that moral victory.

I don't really hold grudges as such but it's complicated, I used to forgive and forget but it didn't work out well for me, I had the piss taken out of me royally and my boundaries trampled on. I did this as I thought being forgiving was something you "should" do to be a good person.

I'm pretty laid back with minor stuff, work colleagues and their weird little power trips etc. Washes over me. However I've gently let go of several so called "friends" in the last year or so...I don't care about them enough to put up with the let downs, flakiness or dubious morals. Or their value set just doesn't align with mine. I'm not nasty about people openly though. I prefer to take the higher ground! I have one friend who gets very aggrieved and wrought up over minor transgressions from people and quite jealous sometimes and posts all over social media. That just looks grubby.

I do hold a grudge against my school bully and an old workplace bully, they caused me a lot of stress and affected my life forever in terms of confidence. They are unforgiven. I also hold a grudge against a teacher who bullied both my children to the point of giving them stress related illnesses. That one went higher in terms of complaints etc, and if similar happened I'd do it again. Luckily she's an exception and most teachers are ok, however I do think certain teachers singling out and picking on particular kids is more common than we realise.

I can understand that @YellowAndGreenToBeSeen and I never thought I could be so hard
People can be very cruel and I learned the hard way. It's like a self protective thing in my case

Ooh I’m like you, I hold grudges to the end of eternity. Although, over the past couple of years I have started to adopt the mindset of understanding that just because someone has hurt me and I carry that pain, they simply carry on with life not giving a shit. So I am trying to, not exactly forgive but to carry less of a burden of those hurt feelings as it’s only me feeling it, it doesn’t affect them at all and they carry on breezing through life.

I do, however, keep them at a distance and do not share personal things with them. It’s several family members.
One example is being told ‘isn’t it time you got over it now?’ about my miscarriage two weeks after it happened and other family members completely sweeping it under the carpet and then when it happened to the person who made that comment to me, we were all asked to rally round this person as it was so upsetting and terrible that it had happened. And it is mentioned and talked about every year of the anniversary of it etc. So yeh I hold a grudge about that and they can go fuck themselves. Like I said, I’m trying

I used to hold grudges but as I get older, I realise that a grudge only negatively impacts the holder. The person you're cross with is happily going about their life either not knowing or not caring so what's the point. If someone is a real asshole, I reduce my contact with them but they don't take up space in my brain.

I don't hold grudges as a rule. I prefer to either resolve a situation or walk away.

Holding grudges to me means remaining angry and that kind of negative energy just eats away.

Having said that, i will forever hold a grudge over Brexit.

I probably hold more than I should but then I wonder if it's partly frustration at myself for not handling the incident/issue properly in the first place as I'm useless at an kind of confrontation.

I don’t hold grudges about insults, disappointments, people getting more than their fair share, relationships not working out.

Damage me intentionally and I’ll never forget it. The only examples I can think of are workplace bullying and the mutual friend who became OW and tried to get DH to leave me when the DC were small.

He dumped her.

I only hold one grudge and it's with my Mil, and I will never let it go. The second I let it go she will pull some crap on me so I hold onto the grudge to protect myself I suppose. I still see her occasionally but have firm boundaries and refuse to act like the Brady bunch family she wants to pretend they are.

It depends what it is, how hurtful it is and who it was about - ie someone I'm naturally very protective of

I’m like you OP and my DH is like yours. However I don’t feel that I’m “holding grudges”, I feel that I remember and he doesn’t. I generally have better memory then my DH when it comes to communication and relationships with people, I’m more focused on it and have strong emotional memory. He doesn’t remember our arguments in such details but the same with other social information e.g details of upcoming theatre trip or what his Mum has just said over phone. His brain is just wired into different things then mine. Mine was always wired into people. I think for me it’s connected with my lack of confidence also but it’s definitely not about me holding grudges deliberately.

Never forget, rarely forgive but always move past it.

@Iamthewombat

I wonder if some people hold grudges because they think it's proof of how loyal they are to their families or something

Yes. Several posts to this effect. It’s almost like a weird sort of virtue signalling: if anyone disturbs my ‘little family’ fantasy by shouting at my husband, or telling my son not to do something, I will hate them FOR EVER because that isn’t how the fairy tale goes.

Or a kind of Godfather complex towards those who disrespect The Family.

If my husband insisted on maintaining a ten-year war of passive aggression against someone when I wasn't bothered about it, I'd be kind of annoyed... and I certainly wouldn't think he was doing it just because he felt so incredibly protective of me.

What a blessing to be able to forgive and forget easily. I don’t hold grudges but it takes a lot of effort to shake them off. I’m still trying to dislodge a particularly pernicious one from 20 years ago.

Once you've crossed the line with me there's no going back. It's not exhausting at all as I just get on with my life without them in it.

I get the impression that a lot of the "oh i don't hold grudges" posters think that makes them somehow superior?

I don't "hold a grudge" in that i ruminate on things and get worked up about them, but if someone has wronged or slighted me or whatever I bear that in mind in future interactions. Persistently late? meh. I won't make arrangements to meet up with you one on one, in a group maybe but then only if we don't all hang around waiting for you.

I may forgive if there is a genuine apology, but again i won't necessarily forget and if it is a pattern of behaviour i'll carry on my life without you in it. I may tell you, i may not, depends on what it was and our level of friendship/involvement.

But i am also petty and vindictive sometimes, so it may be that at some point in the future (i am also patient) i may put a spanner in your works and may not even let you know it was me.

It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else though and i do move on because otherwise I'm letting other people dictate my life and i don't like that either.

I can hold grudges until the end of time. Not the petty stuff that amounts to nothing much. But something major that you have had to deal with was a lesson. And lessons are best remembered.

I remember everything,I wish I didn't but I do. I don't brood about it endlessly but I put them on mental list to be revisited now and again!