Do you forgive and forget easily or hold a grudge?

[SloppyJoJo]

I want to be more like my husband who 24 hours after an issue, can barely even remember what happened and has forgiven and moved on. He doesn’t hold a grudge against anyone and forgives everyone although I think part of this is because he can’t even remember said incidents to hold a grudge. I however remember the exact details of every little thing and do not forget ever and have it all stored in my brain and can recall a long list every time I see specific people I feel have done me wrong. This also includes my husband! Which are you?

I think I find it easy to forgive because I know I've made loads of mistakes and I'm thankful to have been forgiven. So I afford people the same. We're only human and at the end of the day it's usually not that big a deal.

I am normally a forgiving person, but depends on the severity. I remember the phrase " to err is human, to forgive is divine".
There is only one person, I will never ever forgive ( family member), and it wasn't done to me, but to my husband and children. To be fair, this family member is cut off from most of the family for various reasons for being absolutely toxic.

Neither. What I do is let people show me who they are and then act accordingly going forward, which will vary based on what the person did.

I try not to hold grudges but I do remember and I don't put myself in the same position for it to happen again.

Sometimes though, I've noticed the people who say they don't hold grudges and claim to forgive and forget are the ones that do the most wrong. So it's a little self serving.

"Who cares what happened or who did it, I've already forgotten, lets just forgive and not hold a grudge."

• My DH after he's said something horrible to me

I could get an Olympic gold in long term grudge holding. I know it's not good for my mental health, but I can't seem to control it!

Depends on who's upset you and how many chances you wish to give.

My older sister blew it after millions of chances.

My uncle auntie and cousins treat me with disregard every time we are in the same room.

None of the above will ever have my forgiveness.

My mum has not always been the perfect mother. But she had her own mental health and the unconditional love is there so she will be forgiven. I think I sometimes hold a grudge though. So I need to stop.

Outsiders who are not within the family come and go. I will always forgive the ones I like. If they cross me in any way

@Chely

Never forget, rarely forgive but always move past it.

This.

I can move on and put on a brave face - as if I don't care. But inside I don't forget or forgive and wait ......

Forgiving us something we can learn to do. Being someone who has held grudges, doesn't mean it always has to be like that.

Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what has happened or pretending or saying there aren't any consequences to it. However, it does allow you to move in beyond it, and not be bogged down by what has happened.

It's possible to forgive, even when someone isn't sorry and to forgive, when the other person doesn't acknowledge you're doing it, or even know. It's very much about yourself and your own attitude towards it.

One of the things which is important actually, is being able to forgive yourself about various things.

Lots of people can make a step with this, in terms of the small things. Taking offence and dwelling on minor affronts and offences is such a debilitating approach to life that sucks the joy out of it. Lots of people are actively looking to take offence, to complain, to raise an incident, to remember negative things. They take offence where none was intended and are hyper hyper sensitive and to be honest totally self absorbed. Being offended about the little things....the way someone looked at you, the wording of a text, having a rigid sense of what is okay and being unable to deal with things that range outside of that framework....it's all so exhausting.

Ultimately, it's about having a bigger range of reference and not being less self focused and absorbed, so the world becomes bigger rather than smaller. It's about perspective and appreciating the good things in life and knowing where the disappointments and offences belong their genuine impact. And it's about having an accurate assessment if yourself too....those who bear a grudge are often lacking I self awareness. They thik they are right most of the time, but forget or don't see the irritating or worse things they've done themselves. Being able to move forwards from our own failings and those of others is so important. And actually teaching kids to do that...to take responsibility for their own actions, to not dwell on minor offences and to move forward and to have a strong sense of their own self worth outside of the validation of others, is one of the biggest things a parent can do for a child.

I generally don't hold grudges. It's negative, draining and there is no point. You only have to read posts on MN to see the depths of resentment and bitterness caused by generally petty matters.

I think holding grudges goes hand in hand with other negative qualities like sulking.

I don’t hold grudges. It’s pointless. If someone is shit they are politely moved out of my life. I’ve no need for people who add nothing but negative feelings. But usually I feel sorry for people. I don’t need them, but they usually need something and that’s why they act the way they do.

I don’t really get in arguments or negative relationships ever to be honest.

If you have to forgive don’t forget.

I hold grudges until they scream in pain and anger then I squeeze them a bit more.

I wonder whether this is why I wouldn't hold a grudge? Is there a connection between curiosity / empathy and grudges

100% linked to empathy and something called "object constancy". If someone you love upsets you then assuming they are sorry people with object constancy can move on easily. It's the ability to empathise and to hold two contradictory thoughts, "they were thoughtless on this occasion but they are generally kind" so accept it's a mistake.

Grudges imply you want to punish someone for a transgression which isn't a healthy response. Choosing to go low or no contact with someone because they are consistently unpleasant is however a healthy response.

I'm bewildered by the poster who was so angry at her husband being shouted at when spreading salt. I think most people would be alarmed but seek to understand the response. I do however think we are born with varying levels of empathy and your childhood environment can further develop or deplete empathy.

Grudge holders also tend to be black & white thinkers.

Meh. I'm not a black and white thinker at all, but i won't give people repeated opportunities to hurt/annoy/act like a dick to me. I may or may not forgive depending what it was, who it was, and how genuine the apology is. I don't waste a lot of time on it, i mean i'm not doing an Arya Stark and reciting their names before i go to sleep, but I'm also not inviting you to my birthday bash or whatever.

I never forget anything. I can remember loads of things that happened when I was a child and I have asked my parents about other things that happened. I never forget and often wonder if other people remember the same things and if they remember it in the same way... vividly, how it made them feel, how it altered the relationship. I don't really understand forgiveness. I don't feel that I have that capacity. I can live with things and move on but not forgive and forget. I do wonder if people are wired in a different way to me.

I don’t hold grudges but I have no problem distancing myself from someone who has done wrong by me. I do tend to look at my own actions to see if I’ve contributed to any sort of bad situation.

I remember the things but I forgive very easily, probably too easily. I feel like life is too short to waste feeling angry towards people, especially family/friends.

Damage me intentionally and I’ll never forget it. The only examples I can think of are workplace bullying and the mutual friend who became OW and tried to get DH to leave me when the DC were small.

But you forgot it with your DH, presumably?

Depending on reasons, I can normally forgive and move on, but never forget and will always be wary around that person, never giving "my all" again.

If what happened was really bad, then I won't forgive nor forget. I only have a couple of people in that category, and whilst I'd never do anything to intentionally harm them, nor would I do anything to help them either.

I forgive but I don’t forget and often tighten the boundaries in a relationship if someone’s wronged me. Doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, but the dynamic changes.

I agree about black and white thinkers. Many people are very simplistic in their thinking and really struggle with empathy or understanding any point of view that is not their own.

The list of things that annoys some people and sticks in their minds can be extremely long; a tone taken by someone that they didn't like, a look given which they felt wasn't totally neutral or expressed an opinion they didn't like, minor omissions of invitation or speech, any of the above with regard to a friend or family member.

Some people are 'at war' with the world....they expect people to be doing disagreeable things and are on the lookout for them constantly. They fuel the ideas and dwell on them. They seek validation of their feelings on forums or with others who feel aggrieved and stoke each other up in their annoyance. They want to feel cross. They want to consider what they could or should have said as a response and want to consider further actions/complaints. Letting things go doesn't come easily to them.

Of course,nthings happen which aren't little things. Big, terrible things happen and people do sometimes do truly awful things. Forgiveness as a process is really important in these issues. However, fortunately many of us don't experience these things. But pretty much all of are daily confronted with things which might not be considered 'ideal' in terms of tone, manners etc. The question is whether this a big deal to people or not.

Most people who are living healthy lives, briefly notice a rude tone, or look or minor selfishness, and move on and forget it within a few moments. It's noted briefly, sometimes with surprise and often with just acceptance that this stuff is widespread, and then it's forgotton in the bigger things of life that are happening and taking up thought.

The difference for some people is that this stuff takes up more headspace. It is acknowledged and dwelt on, rather than being instantly forgotton. Some people remember a throwaway look or comment which was considered rude for decades. Why is that? I think much comes down to self esteem, self worth and an ability to balance things effectively...to know when something matters and when it really doesn't. It's about having a sense of bigger things and priorities in life and not having so much void space so that these minor things fill that space and become important and grow.

Some people don't feel important or valued. They feel a need to prove themselves all the time and want 'respect' given to them, because they don't have it automatically through their own self worth. So a rude word feels serious. Someone showing a lack of respect for property, or manners, or behaving outside of expectations of rigidly defined norms, becomes a big deal. This rigid sense of the 'proper and only' way to behave or treat them, because of its rigida leads to frequent disappointments and a sense of a world which is wrong and the enemy. It can apply to friends and family and often applies too, to their in authority....annoyance and grudge holding against teachers that one had as a child or the teachers of your own children, GPs, nurses, those working in banks, council offices, in call centres....a sense that everyone is 'out to get them' and a constant sense of treated badly. It's debilitating and exhausting, and it's iften inter-generational....so those who struggle with this stuff pass it onto their kids too because that's what they model.

An ability to 'not sweat it' is really healthy.

I forgive and I don't hold grudges but I never ever forget.

I think there are 2 issues here:

1. Remembering unhappy/bad incidents. I have a really good memory. I remember arguments and often the emotional pain I felt during them. (There is a theory that evolutionary wise we remember bad things better then good things to protect ourself). My DH total opposite - literally 24 hrs later can’t remember anything. This is not a grudge. This is your brain. All you can do is challenge those negative thoughts when they crop up, but also accept them for what they are, “a memory, my brain trying to protect me”. In terms of a person if you feel it creeping in think of 5 good things about them.

2 Grudges are different. My DH for his terrible memory - does hold grudges. He comes from a long line of family who all fall out with each other. He is not bothered by this. I on the other hand can not stand falling out with people. I am much more forgiving of people - particularly if they apologise.

There's no merit in being someone who 'never ever forgets'.

This implies someone storing up the (mostly) minor and insignificant 'misdemeanours' of others. For what purpose is that storing up, rather than forgetting and moving on from what is usally piddling small irrelevant stuff? In itself it's about keeping scores and tallies...grudges essentially.

And I'm interested in those who say it depends on whether stuff that's been done is serious or not. I remain surprised by how many people inhabit a world where they expect lots of things to happen to require forgiveness, including of a serious nature. It's a different world or mindset.

In my experience, serious acts against me, are extremely extremely rare or never, I can't actually remember any. There have probably been one or two rather unpleasant things which I can remember and have dealt with. Otherwise, the daily little rudenesses and inconsiderate behaviours are things I barely notice and certainly don't remember or have to make choices about in terms of forgiving etc.

But some people on this thread, clearly have a big lomg list in their minds of things they remember happening and have either forgiven or not forgiven...but it's a big long list and sounds lime they always expect their lives to include a big lomg list. Isn't that more of an issue with them in all liklihood, rather than they genuinely are subject to hoards of people who are actually causing them damage all the time?

Do you think it is possible to change though or do you think it's just the way you are - whether you like it or not? 🤔

Much of this is about how you grow up.

As PP said, her DH is from a family that feuds and expects to fall out and see others doing 'bad things' to others. It's an expectation and because they think they've experienced bad thu GS in the last, they expect it I to the future. When people talk about this and model this, their children grow up expecting the same and interpreting life like this too. Some grow up to see offence everyone and to look for conflict and to fuel it and to revel in it. Others aren't looking for it, not expecting g to see it and when the odd occasion occurs, instead of fuelling it, look to manage and deal with it, so it's closed down and they can move on.

What we model to our children in this area is so important.
So many children have on-going friendship issues and conflicts. They expect there to be fallings out and to bear lomg term grudges. Others manage to be more easy going, to move on from little conflicts and not fuel little issues into big ones. A lot of this is about what they've seen at home. Where it's not, helping children get a perspective on things, to have empathy and to move on, is one of the ingest things parents can give them to prepare for successful adult life, free of the grip of conflict and resentment.