Do you forgive and forget easily or hold a grudge?

[SloppyJoJo]

I want to be more like my husband who 24 hours after an issue, can barely even remember what happened and has forgiven and moved on. He doesn’t hold a grudge against anyone and forgives everyone although I think part of this is because he can’t even remember said incidents to hold a grudge. I however remember the exact details of every little thing and do not forget ever and have it all stored in my brain and can recall a long list every time I see specific people I feel have done me wrong. This also includes my husband! Which are you?

I don't really hold grudges. I know there's usually a reason for people behaving the way they do and there's something going on that I don't know about. So I do forgive but I keep my guard up around the person after that and wouldn't trust them again. I think about things and still get upset if I give it too much thought so I wouldn't be able to be close friends again after someone had wronged me. But I think or depends who it is and what they've done.
Years ago I found out a friend had been slagging me off behind my back for sleeping with a few men and she didn't approve, but because we had 20 years of friendship behind us we worked through it. Whereas when I went through something similar with relatively new friends, I just dropped them from my life as it wasn't worth the stress.

I don't really hold grudges. I know there's usually a reason for people behaving the way they do and there's something going on that I don't know about. So I do forgive but I keep my guard up around the person after that and wouldn't trust them again. I think about things and still get upset if I give it too much thought so I wouldn't be able to be close friends again after someone had wronged me. But I think or depends who it is and what they've done.
Years ago I found out a friend had been slagging me off behind my back for sleeping with a few men and she didn't approve, but because we had 20 years of friendship behind us we worked through it. Whereas when I went through something similar with relatively new friends, I just dropped them from my life as it wasn't worth the stress.

If I feel I have been rejected, I can’t get past that. I won’t hate the person; I just won’t engage with them again.

I often wonder whether this is linked to my early life.

@Fireflygal

I wonder whether this is why I wouldn't hold a grudge? Is there a connection between curiosity / empathy and grudges

100% linked to empathy and something called "object constancy". If someone you love upsets you then assuming they are sorry people with object constancy can move on easily. It's the ability to empathise and to hold two contradictory thoughts, "they were thoughtless on this occasion but they are generally kind" so accept it's a mistake.

Grudges imply you want to punish someone for a transgression which isn't a healthy response. Choosing to go low or no contact with someone because they are consistently unpleasant is however a healthy response.

I'm bewildered by the poster who was so angry at her husband being shouted at when spreading salt. I think most people would be alarmed but seek to understand the response. I do however think we are born with varying levels of empathy and your childhood environment can further develop or deplete empathy.

Grudge holders also tend to be black & white thinkers.

This is a really interesting response. I can hold a grudge in some contexts and I agree, it can be a healthy was to protect oneself.

However I was friends with a very black and white thinker for over a decade. We met up with another friend very regularly. Eventually we caused terrible offence to this woman over something we considered to be so minor and strange that it was pretty much impossible to understand. After several weeks of silence I reached out and asked her to join us again and she refused and sent a barrage of messages. I then asked her to meet me for a ‘goodbye’ talk. When we did this she was completely awful to me and spurted out this string of grudges she had been holding for years and years. Tiny things that had been said and done. It was dreadful and I later thought how very sad it was to live that way. Constantly ruminating on small comments and actions when all the evidence pointed to a caring and supportive friendship.

So grudges can be terribly unhealthy when taken to extremes.

The thing about people is not everyone has emotional intelegence and they can get into a tizzy about all kinds of scenarios. And then end up trapped within there own thoughts and feelings.

People should understand we all have different views and some people seem to be perfect with a great sense of emotional intelegence.

I am learning through age about how to let go of the past for my own well being.

It would never help someone's state if mind to feel that there thoughts and feeling were broadcast to the world.

That will make someone run and hide. Reading some of the comments above it looks like we definitely live in a judgmental world.

Sorry for any spelling errors. I am not perfect.

I'm like your husband OP, just move on and forgive and forget really easily. I don't think that's always a good thing though as I give people far more chances than they should get. It takes a lot for me to walk away.

Sometimes though, I've noticed the people who say they don't hold grudges and claim to forgive and forget are the ones that do the most wrong. So it's a little self serving.

Take that, non-grudge holders!

This is actually quite a disturbing mindset.

I hold a grudge. It’s not like it consumes my every waking moment, but I rarely forgive and I never forget. Obviously, we are talking major things here, not being let down at the last minute on a night out or someone complaining about me behind my back. Things like that I can just move on quite quickly… But there’s been several major things in my life that I will never, ever forget. And if I ever have the opportunity to get even, I will. But I won’t go looking for that opportunity, IYSWIM, but if it fell in my lap, I would probably take advantage. And yes, I am aware that I might sound a little unhinged

Try not but it's not always easy.

I'm l
a very easy going person generally and give people chances. Depends on the situation how many chances they get ( it's not like it's an exact science!) but once they've crossed the line they are absolutely dead to me and I give them no further headspace.
Generally petty things I just file under 'arsehole' and move on

I tend to treat people how they treat me. If someone is apologetic then I’ll forgive and forget, if not then I just don’t have anything to do with them.

I hold a grudge. Luckily my memory isn’t what it was so I tend to forget whatever I was annoyed about before too long.

It depends on what the offence is and whether the offender has apologised or acknowledged but I can hold grudges years.

If I feel someone’s behaviour indicates lack of respect to me I will basically cut them off. Life is too short to suffer people who don’t value or respect you.

@Flexitarian

I forgive but I don’t forget and often tighten the boundaries in a relationship if someone’s wronged me. Doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, but the dynamic changes.

This very much sums up my attitude particularly to friendships. I'm very loyal and really helpful! Sounds big headed but I know it's true. I've been trampled on by so many so called friends I'm now extremely wary. I'm polite, friendly, supportive to a point but I keep my emotional distance and dont go out of my way to be helpful unless I know it's going to be reciprocated. I do believe there needs to be reciprocation in friendships, I know not everyone agrees but it's how I am.

I have one friend who is ADHD/ASD and has a hard life. I give her a lot of support. From the outside looking in it looks quite one sided. But what people don't know is she's probably the only friend I have who truly listens to me and properly validates and empathises with me, and she's put herself out on a limb and stuck up for me when times have been bleak. She's a true friend.

I don't think ending a toxic or unhappy friendship is the same as holding a grudge.

A Scorpio with a sting in my tail.....hold a grudge..FOR LIFE

I don't hold grudges, I use past experience to inform future decisions.

If you cause me a problem I will remember, if you do it again I let you go. Once bitten, twice shy and all that.

@foreverandalways

A Scorpio with a sting in my tail.....hold a grudge..FOR LIFE

I hear you fellow Scorpion

Grudge. I have a list of people I'm going to haunt. My ex and the OW are going to get no rest once I am gone. Neither is that woman who was horrible about my twins when they were toddlers.

This is such an interesting thread.

I generally don't feel I hold grudges and distance myself early from any looming drama or toxicity from acquaintances, but I'm struggling with a situation at the moment where a close friend of over a decade did something quite hurtful and quite pre meditated to me.

They now recognise I was hurt, say they're sorry but they had at least a month to decide not to do what they did.

Unsure what category to file this in! It's not a grudge but it's certainly an ouch.

I might forgive but I never ever forget!

I am tolerant. I very rarely get angry. BUT once I do, I don't forget, and I don't find it easy to forgive.

But the person I find least easy to forgive is myself.

I'm not sure if it would count as holding a grudge, but if a 'friend' showed a very nasty side to their character, I think it would pay not to forget about that.
This happened to me, and when the nasty side was turned on me it really hurt. Self preservation means I won't forget that, and put myself in that particular firing line again!