Do you forgive and forget easily or hold a grudge?

[SloppyJoJo]

I want to be more like my husband who 24 hours after an issue, can barely even remember what happened and has forgiven and moved on. He doesn’t hold a grudge against anyone and forgives everyone although I think part of this is because he can’t even remember said incidents to hold a grudge. I however remember the exact details of every little thing and do not forget ever and have it all stored in my brain and can recall a long list every time I see specific people I feel have done me wrong. This also includes my husband! Which are you?

I don't hold grudges. I do have pretty good boundaries though and I naturally hold people at arms length until I get to know them better. So I probably don't have many situations where I feel 'crossed' if that makes sense?

My in-laws hold grudges. It's tiresome to listen to and comes across as very emotionally immature.

I'm not including if a family member or friend was abused or murdered or something along those lines though. I could see why people would hold a grudge then.

I forgive very easy, I’m just made that way - it isn’t a choice. But I also fly off the handle easily, although much less than when I was younger. Other members of my family are less impetuous, slower to anger but do hold onto grudges.

Depends on the offence, to me, anyway.

I never have and never will forgive a neighbour who was (separately) vile to both dds when they were a lot younger.
She is a horrible woman anyway, so I don’t feel remotely bad about it.

Nor can I altogether forgive an aunt (one of those people who always know best and can never keep their mouth shut) who told me it was my mother’s own fault that she’d got dementia, and made a seriously crass remark about her, very soon after she died.

I forgive but I never forget. If someone crosses me then I don’t dwell on it but I will certainly watch out for similar behaviour from them in the future. If it’s directed at my children I do take a harder line and will cut them off completely if I feel I need to. I don’t compromise when it comes to them.

Yep, if someone is persistently late or flaky I just stop making arrangements to meet them. Often get the odd message "oh I've not seen you for ages!!". These people are often the ones who rely on you to do all the social graft, making arrangements, booking things. I usually just respond with "yeah be nice to meet up, let me know when you're free and what you want to do and we'll catch up". Sometimes that meet up never happens but sometimes it means they get their shit together and realise if they want us to stay friends they need to step up!

I forgive easily but not forget. Forgiving doesn't mean things go back to how they were, to me it means moving on and not holding onto anger.

I'm more like @Momijin which isn't always great as you can be hurt again by the same person. I think for my own peace of mind I prefer to move past incidents but sometimes it is/has been to my detriment when dealing with people who do their best to undermine you (mine mostly happen/ed in the workplace but I'm starting a new role next week 🙌)

Otoh DD remembers every little thing and that's held her back. I've posted on here a few times about her issues. She's now undergoing EMDR and it's made a huge difference. She's learning to come to terms with things that have happened in the past and it's been so good for her and her MH. She's moving on with her life.

Imo the best path is a mixture of DD and me. Don't bear grudges for everything but do remember times and who has shafted you.

I don't think you know what "dead to me" means.

Forgive and forget easily.

I prefer to draw a line under such things and move on.

You will pry my grudges out of my cold dead fingers.

I don't think it's loyalty. It's more anger and impotence. It's quite a selfish emotion I think. Loyalty is a better feeling than what I feel. More positive. Loyalty is protective. This isn't protective it's anger at unfairness.

When someone pisses me off I can do something about it. I'm in control of what happens from that point. I can choose to forget about it or challenge them or just walk away or whatever.
what happens is entirely my decision and within my power.

When someone does something that is really unjust or unfair to someone else, I'm not in control of what happens after that. I'm not able to go to the person and say actually, you were really wrong/ unfair/ unreasonable/ there because... So I stay mad because it is not resolved the way I would resolve it. So there's arrogance in there as well I think. My way of dealing with this is how you should have dealt with this.

To stay with the example of the chap who yelled at my husband - I couldn't go round there and say excuse me but yes that salt is for use on your paths and that was where my husband was using it. For your benefit. Do you think he goes out in the freezing cold for the fun.of it and because it helps him?

So yes, it's not a great way to be but if people are going to join in a conversation about holding grudges they should be honest even if that means admitting there's a part of them that's really not great otherwise what's the point?

Grudge. I like to take them out and look at them, brush of the dust and then pack them away in their purpose built case.

But it takes a lot to get into my grudge list. Like PIL who over decades were bullies and then lied about their bullying to make me the bad guy. 15 years later are still insisting their version of events at my wedding reception is the truth, despite there being witnesses. Then MIL started bullying my shy, selective-mute 9 yo (I was NC already DD2 went from LC to also NC in 2020) and then told DH my DDs lied about the situation.

An ex-friend who has classic covert-narcissist traits. Again it was her lying about me to other friends that was the final straw.

My sister who lives in a world that seems entirely fabricated. She's been called out on so many lies over the decades. I don't hate her (have done in the past) but I'll never believe a word she says. I'm not officially LC but my whole adult life has been LC/NC with her for my own sanity. Other sister and I had a very somber conversation last summer about it, and we almost grieve the lost relationship with her.

I think it's the lying that does it. Be a shit human all you like, bitch the truth, but get caught lying about me/mine and I will never trust you again and I will remember.

I think it's the lying that does it. Be a shit human all you like, bitch the truth, but get caught lying about me/mine and I will never trust you again and I will remember

Yes!!

I forgive, but I don’t forget. I will still smile at them, be cordial and polite but I won’t go out of my way for them and will keep my distance. They’d have to be dying for me to do so or they need help for someone more vulnerable.

I still recall meeting my DH’s aunt and uncle for the first time after a few months of having my oldest. It was the first long-distance car ride and trip to his parents so we were staying there overnight (no more than 12 hours most of it sleeping). I had a thing against being in pictures after being bullied for 10+ years about my looks. I usually grin and bear it but they were going to be put on social media and I was tired. His uncle asked if I wanted to join the picture of him holding our son and I declined. She proceeded to laugh at me, saying “what a coward”. Her DH asked her if she was going to be in the picture and she said no in a “don’t be silly” fashion and my DH took a picture of them. DH wasn’t in the picture either nor was it suggested. Never met her before yet in less than 15 min she insulted me and showed herself a hypocrite. Ok for her to decline but not me for some reason. Someone like that is not someone I want to visit. If I hadn’t been in their house and tired, I would have pointed out her hypocrisy. Anytime my DH suggested (a rarity) we stop by their home on our way to see his parents (it’s a bit out of the way), I gave reasonable reasons not to (being too late, too out of the way, traffic). Anyone that treats a family member they are just meeting and a guest like that is not a person I want to spend time with.

There are some exceptions but after dealing with too many people taking my friendly, easygoing nature as a way to treat me as a doormat or bully me for having boundaries, I can’t simply forget, yet at the same time I can say that not forgetting is not a bad thing because I don’t take anyone’s sh*t anymore and will pull people up (politely still) when they’ve been rude to me including strangers.

I definitely hold a grudge and thinking about it, there's not many people I actually like.

I live by the Booth family motto, "we forget but never forgive"

I find it easy to forgive people. The more I love you the easier it is and I rarely hold a grudge. But, I do sometimes find it hard to forget and things will affect me (mostly just my confidence or how much I trust someone after an issue).

Forgive yes, forget not.

There’s no point in holding grudges and seething but people who let me down would not be let back in my life the same way.

Neighbour/friend who out of a sudden decided that I offended them-I have apologised several times despite being dumbfounded about the offence. She blanked me out for next 2 years not even answering the greeting when passing on the street. I will not greet her first now and I’m not interested in a small talk anymore. Too late for that.

Dropping out a few times of organised event-you’re not going to get invited again and don’t whinge on SM “where’s my invitation” when the pictures come up.

Some family members and ex friends-don’t expect me to run to you to help when you need it.I endured your negative comments and criticism for years.I wish you well but have no interest in being your emotional punchbag hence the distance I created.

Self preservation it’s called. Don’t take shit from anybody. Bow out.

I don't hold grudges, life is too short. But neither do I tolerate someone doing me wrong either. I just quietly detach them from my life, and then never look back at them.

The best revenge is a happy life.

I forgive but never ever forget…….

I'm very forgiving to a certain point, push me past that point and I never forgive or forget. Thinking of what you did exSIL, 25 years on and I am as angry as I was that day.

I forgive , mainly for my own mental peace but I rarely forget. I'll always be wary of people whove done wrong by me.

My dad swears he doesn’t hold grudges
He fell out with his sister aged 19-he’s now 71 and has never spoken another word to her
She has tried over the years but he holds firm

I have even known to hold one but I’ve learnt it hurts me more in the long run so try not to

Depends on the intention, but my default is grudge and has served me well so far.

For me, it all depends on what and who it is.

I have distanced or cut off completely people who have done bad things and I will not even think about them from then on.

If it's someone I love, that's very different. I try to understand through talking about it and then try to move forward and work through it. It's not easy, but there are people that are just to important to cast aside.