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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ordering food 'courtesy'

101 replies

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 17:42

I'd really appreciate to hear people's opinions on this.

When I was younger I dropped out of college and started working full time in retail. I became a manager at 17 whilst still living at home. I'd pay my mum £500 rent whilst only earning 18K because that's what she asked of me. Over time I became depressed as I worked a lot but didn't see much of my own money. My mum was quite strict so I wasn't allowed out past certain times and I'd often order food (I'm a big comfort eater!) because I'd feel so down. I was told to do my own food shopping and couldn't eat anything in the house. Because I was constantly working and so exhausted on my one day off, I'd hardly get round to doing a food shop and I'd order food more frequently.

My mum always had an issue that I'd order food for myself and not her and my sister too. Tbh I could barely afford the food I was ordering let alone anything extra for anyone else. I'm not sure if it's my mum being entitled or I'm being selfish but she still has an issue with this to this day.

For example, DD and I stayed over at my mum's house last night. For the whole day I haven't had anything to eat whilst my mum's been making food for herself and her partner (my younger sister was at school.) I've been feeling really down so ordered myself Mcds and got my sister a drink because that's all I could afford. My mum calls my sister to her bedroom door and asks who was at the front door. My sister replied Mcds.

My mum storms out her room and goes 'did you not get anything for me' I said 'no sorry I just ordered because I haven't eaten all day, I can't afford to offer for everyone.' She goes, 'see we've had this problem before with you ordering' and just storms off. Can I just point out, since being an adult everytime I'm at my mum's I'll ask everyone what they want. I always buy food for them if I buy for myself as I've grown older and got better with money. I just don't understand the attitude that she HAS to have something bought for her and getting in a mood because she's been left out. Mcds for myself is £6. Mcds for my mum, my sister and her partner who I clearly can't leave out, is touching £20.

I just wondered what people thought or if there were any rules in your house when it came to ordering? If your kids order food, do they have to order for every person in the house every single time? Am I genuinely being selfish here and not seeing it even though I don't have the money to always buy for people? Help me out pls!

OP posts:

newmumfeb21 · 25/02/2022 17:50

I just can't get over you being at your Mum's and her not offering you any food all day whilst making stuff for her / her DP. Did she give anything to your DD??

Of course you had to get something to eat, and whilst it might be nice to offer everyone in the house something too if you're ordering, if you can't afford it you can't afford it, and given the way you feel your Mum has treated you I can see why you wouldn't.

How old are you now, how often do you see your Mum now?

How have things been left?

LittleOwl153 · 25/02/2022 17:50

Usually I would say if you order in you should ask - but then if money is tight it should be in the basis of a split bill. However this

For the whole day I haven't had anything to eat whilst my mum's been making food for herself and her partner

Is wrong. And makes me think your whole step up is screwed up and you'd be better off staying well away from your mums house fullstop!

Isseywith3witchycats · 25/02/2022 17:50

In my house if my kids are there and they are going to eat at mine i either cook for all or if its takeout i pay for it, my daughter comes to mine once a week with her two teens and she brings either maccie ds or kfc with her for the kids she knows she and kids are more than welcome to have anything they want from here the kids just prefer takeout food we have our diner when they have gone home no problem

HangOnToYourself · 25/02/2022 17:55

@LittleOwl153

Usually I would say if you order in you should ask - but then if money is tight it should be in the basis of a split bill. However this

For the whole day I haven't had anything to eat whilst my mum's been making food for herself and her partner

Is wrong. And makes me think your whole step up is screwed up and you'd be better off staying well away from your mums house fullstop!

Agree, usually I'd say you were rude but because they made food for themselves and didnt offer you any then she is a massive hypocrite and a total cow. I also dont think it was wrong when you used to live there and she charged you high rent considering you are family but same thing really, you cant have a 'sort your own food out rule' and expect you to order for her. She wounds very selfish.

Sexnotgender · 25/02/2022 17:56

Your mum sounds awful. You’ve done nothing wrong. How old are you?

Userg1234 · 25/02/2022 17:58

Sorry you were paying £500 a month in rent to your mum with didn't include food?
You visit and she doesn't offer good despite making for others
And
She gets upset when you order for you and dd?

Sorry your mum has some very strange ideas about being a human being let alone a mother

Crimesean · 25/02/2022 17:58

Your Mum sounds like a right CF - taking all that money off you for rent and bills and not even including food! And then to expect a child to pay for expensive take-away?!

I'm sorry OP, she sounds like a selfish miser.

Vanellopee · 25/02/2022 17:59

Your mother sounds deeply unpleasant, maybe time to scale back the visits.

Totalwasteofpaper · 25/02/2022 18:00

Your mum is nuts.

Why do you go round to her house to be abused like this???

Wilkolampshade · 25/02/2022 18:00

Good grief, no, none of this is OK. OP, do yourself a favour and move out. This sounds toxic.

NewPapaGuinea · 25/02/2022 18:00

The courtesy is you ask if they want anything with the understanding they are paying for their share. No way should you be footing the bill for it all.

Mellowyellow222 · 25/02/2022 18:01

Why did you spend so much time at your mums when she was so rude to you?

I think you need to distance yourself from this woman. She will never change - she has dreadful manners and a bonkers outlook on life.

Don’t expose your child to this nonsense

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/02/2022 18:01

It’s not you. It’s her.

Your mother sounds awful from your post, charging your child 500 quid in rent when they are earning 18k, but not allowing them to eat your food is reprehensible. A lot of people would class it as financial abuse - she was ripping you off at an age you were too young to realise it.

Not providing food when you stay is rude and unkind in the extreme.

She’s very lucky you bother with her at all.

Well done on making manager at 17 BTW

Sockpile · 25/02/2022 18:02

If she had made something for you when she did her her and her partner you wouldn’t have needed to order any food.
If she hadn’t made any food for anyone you could have made an order together and split the bill.
Your mum clearly has issues, she doesn’t sure food with you but expects you to with her. YANBU.

cuno · 25/02/2022 18:03

Why should you buy her a takeaway when she can't even offer you a sandwich or whatever when at hers? If I ever ordered anything at my mum's, yes I would ask everyone what they want including my mum, but I'm also allowed to help myself to anything at hers and she will make a meal etc. You wouldn't even be ordering if she provided food in the first place. Your mum doesn't sound like a very nice person at all. I paid less than £500 for renting a flat when I moved out, board at home should be cheaper and include food.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 25/02/2022 18:03

I earnt a similar amount when I was about 22 and living with my parents. I paid £200 a month to them and that included food. The rest I saved to get a lace of my own.
Your mum is selfish and tight. I would Minimise contact if I were you.

HashtagShitShop · 25/02/2022 18:04

500 per month is more than a lot of rent would be where I live. Admittedly there'd be bills too but your mum sounds like she has broken you and your spirit.

I would go no contact personally. She sounds like you are a vessel for her to take from and she gives nothing. Does your sister get treated the same?

Natty13 · 25/02/2022 18:08

None of this is normal. Honestly I would probably offer my parents something if I was staying over but:

They would never, ever, have had me paying their rent/mortgage for them at 17
They wouldn't have done the above and also made me buy all my own food. Did she do anything for you after you got your job or did you turn into her mum paying for everything right away?
I dont see them often and if I do stay we have dinner together so would all eat the same
I can afford to order for them. An important point.

Nkne of how your mum treats you is normal. Its what you are used to because it's how you were treated from a young age but can you imagine treating your DD this way? I imagine not.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 25/02/2022 18:09

If I am cooking, I cook for everyone at home.
If my son is cooking, he offers everyone some of what he made - usually pasta or brownies.
If I am ordering something, I ask if anyone wants anything and order what I can afford.
If my son orders, he orders something for me - knowing if I don't eat it he can!

ThinWomansBrain · 25/02/2022 18:10

she sounds vile OK for her to prepare food, feed herself and everyone else and exclude you, but not for you to order food and not include her when she's presumably already stuffed her face.
in your place, I'd say I was ordering, that I couldn't pay for everyone but did anyone want to add anything to the order, making it clear they'd be paying for their own.
TBH, it's extremely unlikely I'd visit ever.

AdaColeman · 25/02/2022 18:12

Your Mother sounds as though she is a total nutter. Why isn't she feeding you and your child when you visit her? Do you ask for food while you are there, what do you do while they are all eating?

Does she visit you, and do you feed her then?

Hell would freeze over before I visited her again.

Howshouldibehave · 25/02/2022 18:13

For example, DD and I stayed over at my mum's house last night.

Why?

Your mum sounds thoroughly unpleasant-I wouldn’t be going round there at all! Did she ask you there? For the night? Day?

I’d get on with your own life and see her as little as possible

luxxlisbon · 25/02/2022 18:15

I think it’s weird to order a takeaway to someone else’s house and to not ask them, but then it’s also weird to be at your mum’s house and starve all day for some reason so clearly there are particular dynamics at play here.

Original poster

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 18:16

Wasn't expecting so many comments about my mum, just wanted to include the backstory of why I used to order so often and how it was an issue.

I'm nearly 23 and pregnant again. In my defence, I am always craving a Big Mac because of the sauce so she definitely could have been more understandable. DD is 9 months so nothing was bought for her.
I also didn't offer to get anyone anything and they pay me the money because I ordered in the bedroom whilst DD was sleeping. I wasn't going to get out of the bed and risk waking her up just to say 'I don't have any money but did someone want to send me money and I order for you.' My mum would have rolled her eyes anyway.

I don't live here, I'd come to stay for a while for support (I actually have another thread on this but name changed) and I've decided I'll be going home tomorrow. This clearly isn't going to work out.

Exactly! I only bought food because I hadn't eaten all day when her and her partner (I say partner but it's just a fwb that she has at her house every minute even though she's known him 5 months) had already stuffed their faces so I didn't even think to offer anyone anything. Especially as I can't afford it

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 25/02/2022 18:19

I don't live here, I'd come to stay for a while for support

Clearly your mum has issues with you/money and was never going to give you an awful lot of support, sadly.

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