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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ordering food 'courtesy'

101 replies

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 17:42

I'd really appreciate to hear people's opinions on this.

When I was younger I dropped out of college and started working full time in retail. I became a manager at 17 whilst still living at home. I'd pay my mum £500 rent whilst only earning 18K because that's what she asked of me. Over time I became depressed as I worked a lot but didn't see much of my own money. My mum was quite strict so I wasn't allowed out past certain times and I'd often order food (I'm a big comfort eater!) because I'd feel so down. I was told to do my own food shopping and couldn't eat anything in the house. Because I was constantly working and so exhausted on my one day off, I'd hardly get round to doing a food shop and I'd order food more frequently.

My mum always had an issue that I'd order food for myself and not her and my sister too. Tbh I could barely afford the food I was ordering let alone anything extra for anyone else. I'm not sure if it's my mum being entitled or I'm being selfish but she still has an issue with this to this day.

For example, DD and I stayed over at my mum's house last night. For the whole day I haven't had anything to eat whilst my mum's been making food for herself and her partner (my younger sister was at school.) I've been feeling really down so ordered myself Mcds and got my sister a drink because that's all I could afford. My mum calls my sister to her bedroom door and asks who was at the front door. My sister replied Mcds.

My mum storms out her room and goes 'did you not get anything for me' I said 'no sorry I just ordered because I haven't eaten all day, I can't afford to offer for everyone.' She goes, 'see we've had this problem before with you ordering' and just storms off. Can I just point out, since being an adult everytime I'm at my mum's I'll ask everyone what they want. I always buy food for them if I buy for myself as I've grown older and got better with money. I just don't understand the attitude that she HAS to have something bought for her and getting in a mood because she's been left out. Mcds for myself is £6. Mcds for my mum, my sister and her partner who I clearly can't leave out, is touching £20.

I just wondered what people thought or if there were any rules in your house when it came to ordering? If your kids order food, do they have to order for every person in the house every single time? Am I genuinely being selfish here and not seeing it even though I don't have the money to always buy for people? Help me out pls!

OP posts:
Queenkarm · 25/02/2022 18:20

OP why put yourself through this your mother is completely vile. Go LC or NC, why go back to be treated like rubbish please look after your dd better than your mother looked after you xx

Octomore · 25/02/2022 18:20

I'd come to stay for a while for support

What you're getting isn't support, so you may want to reconsider your arrangements.

ViewfinderPiggle · 25/02/2022 18:24

Come to the stately homes thread in relationships board. It really isn’t youFlowersw

Georgeskitchen · 25/02/2022 18:25

Your staying there for support. They are not being particularly supportive!!

bidaytos · 25/02/2022 18:28

your mum is a massive arsehole. The cheek of her to have treated you like shit for years and she is still doing it. I would honestly go no contact, she's absolutely zero support. I'm no contact with my toxic mother and it is the best decision i've ever made.

SailingNotSurfing · 25/02/2022 18:30

Find support elsewhere. Your mother is utterly toxic.

Original poster
mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 18:32

My mum's now in a pissy mood and has made a point to order takeaway for herself, her partner and my little sister. Of course she's doing this to prove some sort of point. It's all very strange.

She'd also recently admitted that she didn't need to take £500 off me for rent. She did it because she was tired of spending her own money on her kids and never seeing a penny to herself. I've always thought she resented me and my career but who really knows.

I'd still appreciate comments on what people do in their household or if I come across as rude/selfish!

OP posts:
woodhill · 25/02/2022 18:34

Your dm is not very nice and bordering on abusive imo

Who takes that much money off a 17 year old and doesn't provide food

Shainago · 25/02/2022 18:35

Your mum is being very odd.
Not your fault at all.
Im sorry youre going through this while pregnant. You should be given care and support

WouldIwasShookspeared · 25/02/2022 18:36

I'm glad you are going back home tomorrow.
Being with her is going to make you feel worse not better.

You should have pointed out though that they had made themselves food all day and not offered you anything which is why you had to order yourself something so she's being a hypocrite.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 25/02/2022 18:40

My oldest son paid nominal rent when he lived at home and worked. Everything in the kitchen was available to him and I would cook for him if he was at home when we were eating. If not he was free to make whatever he wanted for himself. We were a large family and every so often he would offer to "do the dinner" which meant he bought a takeaway for everyone. Sometimes when he finished work late he would grab a takeaway on the way home. When he did that he didn't buy for anyone else but would often bring home a few extra cans of drink in case anyone else was up.

I can not imagine a situation where my child shared my home and didn't share my food cupboard, not matter what they contributed to the household financially.

shouldisay · 25/02/2022 18:41

OP to answer your question, I dont think you do come across as selfish. Especially because you've been there all day and not been able to eat while your mother does.

To put it in context with what we do,
If I order takeout I buy for all, if I can't afford to buy for all then we dont have takeout. However, I'm the parent, if my kids are buying themselves take out from their wages and they can afford to offer then they do and if they can't afford I don't expect them to offer. But then I'm of the opinion that while the kids are living with me, then money trickles down the way. I don't expect my kids to pay for anything for me. I understand that's not everyone's position though.

If it were friends that were staying, it would be either one or the other offers and pays or the bill is split.

You need to go back home, what you're getting isn't support and I'm staggered that she took £500 of you for digs and that didn't include food!! Time to lessen the contact I think.

superstar84 · 25/02/2022 18:42

Can you go home tonight? She doesn't sound very supportive at all

WonderfulYou · 25/02/2022 18:42

Do you have an issue with food?

I do think it’s odd that you would order food for yourself and not ask anyone else. What is your child going to eat?

You keep saying that you couldn’t afford to buy them food whilst you were living there (you shouldn’t have to) but it sounds like you were ordering food a lot which is of course going to leave you skint.

At home do you order lots of takeaways?

I definitely think you should go home as it seems more stressful than being at home.

Sally872 · 25/02/2022 18:43

Your mum is not supporting you, I think she is adding to your stress and you'll probably be better of your own place.

The way your mum treated you by charging 500 per month and not allowing you food is awful.

I hope you get the help and support you need. Flowers

Sally872 · 25/02/2022 18:44

@WonderfulYou I think its weirder that mum made food for her and partner yet offered nothing to daughter who is staying for support. OP had to eat and this was the food she could access. She didn't have money to offer anyone else.

Blossom64265 · 25/02/2022 18:48

Hosts typically offer to feed their guests.

Mothers always feed their children when they visit. Mothers especially dote on their pregnant daughters when they visit. It’s like there is a short circuit in your mother’s brain.

At most, I might have texted the other people on the house to see if they wanted to add to the order and pay for themselves to share the delivery fee. That is what we do when we are ordering and spread throughout the house . We don’t go check with each person. Just send out a text to see if anyone wants to join in.

WTF475878237NC · 25/02/2022 18:57

None of this is normal OP. Your emotional difficulties are unsurprising given your mother, and I urge you to seek professional support as you deserve to be free of the pain/emptiness that makes you have difficulties with food and put up with this shit! Congratulations on your pregnancy and I really hope you can break free of the negative cycle to give your own children a better start.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/02/2022 19:00

Hi OP

I read your other thread. (assuming you are the poster who has had a MH crisis and moved back home).

I'm sorry but I think your mum is being a hypocrite here. She cant have one rule for her (get your own food) and another rule for everyone else (when you get food you get it for everyone)

I'm sorry your mum isn't he support you need and deserve but I don't think she is in a position to support you at the moment

Original poster
mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 19:00

I can't go home tonight just because it's already dark and I have a few bags with me. I'll go tomorrow as my little sister will be able to help me with everything that I have.

I've only been here one night but I absolutely agree that it's causing more stress than it's worth. It's quite difficult to accept that my only support is in fact, not supportive at all. I think I try to maintain a relationship with my mum for DDs sake but it always backfires on me anyway. Everything I seem to do is wrong in my mum's eyes

OP posts:
Original poster
mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 19:03

@WonderfulYou

Do you have an issue with food?

I do think it’s odd that you would order food for yourself and not ask anyone else. What is your child going to eat?

You keep saying that you couldn’t afford to buy them food whilst you were living there (you shouldn’t have to) but it sounds like you were ordering food a lot which is of course going to leave you skint.

At home do you order lots of takeaways?

I definitely think you should go home as it seems more stressful than being at home.

@WonderfulYou I don't have an issue with food. In my OP I made it sound as if I used to order takeaway everyday but it'd be no more than twice a week.

I can't offer to buy food for people when I don't have the money for it. It's like somehow my mum expects me to find the money to pay for her and other people because I've bought food for myself. My DD is 9 months, I already knew what she'd be eating for dinner

OP posts:
Original poster
mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 19:04

At most, I might have texted the other people on the house to see if they wanted to add to the order and pay for themselves to share the delivery fee. That is what we do when we are ordering and spread throughout the house . We don’t go check with each person. Just send out a text to see if anyone wants to join in.

Hmm maybe this is what my mum expected me to do. Just send a message saying I'm ordering food, I can't afford it for anyone else but would someone like something. In reality though she would have read the message and said if I can't afford to buy for everyone in the house then I shouldn't be ordering at all

OP posts:
Original poster
mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 19:05

@WTF475878237NC

None of this is normal OP. Your emotional difficulties are unsurprising given your mother, and I urge you to seek professional support as you deserve to be free of the pain/emptiness that makes you have difficulties with food and put up with this shit! Congratulations on your pregnancy and I really hope you can break free of the negative cycle to give your own children a better start.
@WTF475878237NC thank you for this. I'm literally self referring for therapy right now as we speak
OP posts:
LovingLivingLife · 25/02/2022 19:06

At our house if someone is cooking food it is considered very rude not to feed everyone. Like genuinely couldn't imagine anyone ever considering to act in this way. However if for whatever reason someone had already eaten, and others ordered takeout it would not be a problem.

The only odd / slightly rude thing would be if a guest turned up and ordered a takeout to the house just for themselves at a meal time without talking to others. That said, if it was family, I would probably still take quite a chilled attitude to it.

The way your mother treated you in the past is unkind. It is clear she is jealous of you and hasn't been there for you or supported you. Not providing food for her pregnant daughter all day is disgraceful, what exactly did she expect you to do? Starve until she decides to change her actions? It comes across as an emotionally controlling power play.

Do you have any other support network to help you when baby number 2 arrives?

Original poster
mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 19:07

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Hi OP

I read your other thread. (assuming you are the poster who has had a MH crisis and moved back home).

I'm sorry but I think your mum is being a hypocrite here. She cant have one rule for her (get your own food) and another rule for everyone else (when you get food you get it for everyone)

I'm sorry your mum isn't he support you need and deserve but I don't think she is in a position to support you at the moment

@DrinkFeckArseBrick hi yeah you're absolutely right about the other thread and right that she isn't in a position to support me. It's a bit shit as she asked me to stay with her temporarily and now this. It's just showing me how much of a mess my life really is
OP posts: