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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ordering food 'courtesy'

101 replies

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 17:42

I'd really appreciate to hear people's opinions on this.

When I was younger I dropped out of college and started working full time in retail. I became a manager at 17 whilst still living at home. I'd pay my mum £500 rent whilst only earning 18K because that's what she asked of me. Over time I became depressed as I worked a lot but didn't see much of my own money. My mum was quite strict so I wasn't allowed out past certain times and I'd often order food (I'm a big comfort eater!) because I'd feel so down. I was told to do my own food shopping and couldn't eat anything in the house. Because I was constantly working and so exhausted on my one day off, I'd hardly get round to doing a food shop and I'd order food more frequently.

My mum always had an issue that I'd order food for myself and not her and my sister too. Tbh I could barely afford the food I was ordering let alone anything extra for anyone else. I'm not sure if it's my mum being entitled or I'm being selfish but she still has an issue with this to this day.

For example, DD and I stayed over at my mum's house last night. For the whole day I haven't had anything to eat whilst my mum's been making food for herself and her partner (my younger sister was at school.) I've been feeling really down so ordered myself Mcds and got my sister a drink because that's all I could afford. My mum calls my sister to her bedroom door and asks who was at the front door. My sister replied Mcds.

My mum storms out her room and goes 'did you not get anything for me' I said 'no sorry I just ordered because I haven't eaten all day, I can't afford to offer for everyone.' She goes, 'see we've had this problem before with you ordering' and just storms off. Can I just point out, since being an adult everytime I'm at my mum's I'll ask everyone what they want. I always buy food for them if I buy for myself as I've grown older and got better with money. I just don't understand the attitude that she HAS to have something bought for her and getting in a mood because she's been left out. Mcds for myself is £6. Mcds for my mum, my sister and her partner who I clearly can't leave out, is touching £20.

I just wondered what people thought or if there were any rules in your house when it came to ordering? If your kids order food, do they have to order for every person in the house every single time? Am I genuinely being selfish here and not seeing it even though I don't have the money to always buy for people? Help me out pls!

OP posts:

Original poster

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 19:10

@LovingLivingLife

At our house if someone is cooking food it is considered very rude not to feed everyone. Like genuinely couldn't imagine anyone ever considering to act in this way. However if for whatever reason someone had already eaten, and others ordered takeout it would not be a problem.

The only odd / slightly rude thing would be if a guest turned up and ordered a takeout to the house just for themselves at a meal time without talking to others. That said, if it was family, I would probably still take quite a chilled attitude to it.

The way your mother treated you in the past is unkind. It is clear she is jealous of you and hasn't been there for you or supported you. Not providing food for her pregnant daughter all day is disgraceful, what exactly did she expect you to do? Starve until she decides to change her actions? It comes across as an emotionally controlling power play.

Do you have any other support network to help you when baby number 2 arrives?

See now this is completely understandable. I wouldn't be at my auntie's house and just order food for myself without mentioning it however I feel as if I can do that at my mum's house. Maybe it's because I feel so comfortable here is the issue?

I thought the same thing. I'm heavily pregnant and haven't eaten all day. You've eaten and you've even made food for your partner/fwb/whatever he is. My sister has eaten at school. That was my thought process. As I had no money for anyone else, I didn't ask anyone if they wanted anything and didn't mention it as I was in a different room. Maybe I'm just the problem here seriously!

I have hardly any support but I'm going to have to find some somehow!

OP posts:

Mooloolabababy · 25/02/2022 19:10

I Can't believe your mum charged you £500 to live in her house and you had to buy your own food! That is an extortionate amount of money!! I can't ever imagine treating my dd like that. I'd do everything I could to make her feel welcome. My mum would do the same for me too. I feel so sad for you that your mum treats you that way.

TheOccupier · 25/02/2022 19:15

Regardless of all the back stories it is weird and rude to order takeaway at someone else's house without even telling them. I wouldnt do that at my parents' house or at anyone else's.

And if you were really so hard up you wouldn't be ordering Deliveroo or whatever. YABU.

Original poster

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 19:18

@TheOccupier

Regardless of all the back stories it is weird and rude to order takeaway at someone else's house without even telling them. I wouldnt do that at my parents' house or at anyone else's.

And if you were really so hard up you wouldn't be ordering Deliveroo or whatever. YABU.

@TheOccupier what's weird and rude about it? Even if I do mention to my mum that I'm ordering but can't get anyone else anything, she still gets in a mood and says that I should order for everyone. So the problem isn't that I haven't told her. The problem is that I haven't bought for her and whoever else.

£6 is nothing in comparison to £20+ but fair enough

OP posts:

PerseverancePays · 25/02/2022 19:20

Your mother is messing you about. She totally overcharged you for board and lodging, that money should have covered all your food and bills, even so it was way too much.
What she's doing now is just nuts, she's set you up to always be in the wrong: she's not offering you any food and is pissed off when you order in. I'm glad you are going home tomorrow because no support is better than someone beating you down.

ChoiceMummy · 25/02/2022 19:20

@mcflurrybaby

My mum's now in a pissy mood and has made a point to order takeaway for herself, her partner and my little sister. Of course she's doing this to prove some sort of point. It's all very strange.

She'd also recently admitted that she didn't need to take £500 off me for rent. She did it because she was tired of spending her own money on her kids and never seeing a penny to herself. I've always thought she resented me and my career but who really knows.

I'd still appreciate comments on what people do in their household or if I come across as rude/selfish!

£500 rent when you had £1300 a month was hardly that big a deal was it?

You lived in here home, had it been too expensive you presumably could have moved out?

You obviously have issues with your mum and her attitude is very different to how I was brought up, but think you're bringing other issues into it. Probably aggravated by the current situation with your mum and you both having mh issues.

A580Hojas · 25/02/2022 19:27

Your Mum was charging you fairly high rent, did it also cover bills?

When I was earning £18,000 my rent was £350 a month but I also had to pay utilities, water and council tax.

She was definitely being mean there by £100 or so a month.

CalishataFolkart · 25/02/2022 19:29

If your mum won’t provide you with food, you’re not allowed to order food and I’m assuming she wouldn’t be too impressed with you helping yourself to food from her cupboards… What does she suggest you eat?

TheOccupier · 25/02/2022 19:37

You said "I just wondered what people thought" and I think it's weird and rude, I guess because you're making yourself very much at home in someone else's house, and you're not including them in something that could be a nice way to thank them for having you there. You could at least have asked your DM if she wanted to add anything to your order at her own expense. I'm sure we've had threads here before about visitors ordering takeaway without including their hosts and most people said it was rude and not OK. Not to mention the cardinal mumsnet sin of causing your host to suffer an Unexpected Doorbell Ring

DePfeffoff · 25/02/2022 19:43

@TheOccupier, don't you think it's weird and rude not to offer your pregnant daughter anything to eat when you're theoretically helping her in a crisis and you know she has virtually no money?

RandomMess · 25/02/2022 19:44

Seriously your Mum is very strange and tbh cruel.

One of mine works changing shifts sure she pays board but we cook for her! If they eldest came to stay (moved out) I'd never expect her to buy take away for me.

When we were younger in laws would have treated us, now we are more financially secure we treat them.

Your Mum is not practically, financially or emotionally supportive!!

PeacefulPrune · 25/02/2022 19:47

@Userg1234

Sorry you were paying £500 a month in rent to your mum with didn't include food? You visit and she doesn't offer good despite making for others And She gets upset when you order for you and dd?

Sorry your mum has some very strange ideas about being a human being let alone a mother

Exactly this

WetLookKnitwear · 25/02/2022 19:53

Your mum is rude and a cruel mother

Original poster

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 20:10

@ChoiceMummy

£500 rent when you had £1300 a month was hardly that big a deal was it?

There was no way I was earning 1300 a month. It was in 2016 so a few years ago but I remember earning just over a grand because my mum was asking for just under half of what I got. I'm sure I was on 7.90/8.90 a hour. It wasn't even a salary based role but I thought it worked out as around 18k. If 18k is 1300 a month then I defo wasn't earning that

OP posts:

Original poster

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 20:11

@CalishataFolkart

Beats me honestly!

OP posts:

Original poster

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 20:15

@TheOccupier

@TheOccupier I'm definitely interested in hearing opinions so thanks for giving yours.

because you're making yourself very much at home in someone else's house, and you're not including them in something that could be a nice way to thank them for having you there.

She's my mum?? This was my house up until 2020 so I still view it as my house and my mum says it's still my house. It's not as if I've rocked up at a strangers house randomly ordering food. I've literally never thanked my mum for having me and she wouldn't expect me to either

You could at least have asked your DM if she wanted to add anything to your order at her own expense.

Yeah I did recognise this. I was in another room and could have messaged her. It didn't occur to me as she'd already eaten but that's fair enough

OP posts:

melonhead · 25/02/2022 20:24

You sound so lovely and kind and hard working.

I'm sorry that your mum doesn't realise what a good daughter you are. I'm afraid she doesn't seem like she's been a very good mother to you. You deserve better.

Hard to know how to handle her, but try to at least trust yourself more.

HTH1 · 25/02/2022 20:25

YANBU about the food but how can you possibly support two children in these circumstances? Do you have a partner who can help?

woodhill · 25/02/2022 20:33

£500 is a huge amount for a 17 year old. My ds doesn't pay any rent but will be shortly and I will charge him £200 and he can have any food

Awful of your mum not to have offered you any food so why would you pay for her takeaway. Fancy not giving a meal to her own dgd

Ragwort · 25/02/2022 20:34

I feel sad for you OP and I've read your other thread, your family sounds very messed up ... I can't imagine not cooking for everyone in the house (or at least talking about what we are eating and sharing out the shopping/cooking), equally I can't imagine sending for a takeaway without including other members of the household. I think for your own peace of mind and stability it would be best for you and your DD to get back to your own home if possible.

Darbs76 · 25/02/2022 20:36

Firstly I’d have cooked for anyone staying at my house. Yes I do expect anyone in my house to offer to order food for others but I wouldn’t expect them to pay for it. My kids are 17 & 14 and not earning so I’d pay them back, but they don’t order food in anyway. But I don’t think you’re unreasonable given the history. I wouldn’t bother visiting if you’re not even provided with basics. I am 45 and stay with my mum a lot with the kids in the holidays and can’t imagine her not making any food for me, same if she came to my house

Holskey · 25/02/2022 20:37

I believe the courtesy is to ask what others would like, but that doesn’t mean you have to pay. In fact, in normal circumstances I'd say it's rude not to offer. But these aren't normal circumstances, your mum is extremely rude, and I honestly can't work out why you're there at all. She's not supportive. No way would a family member be at my house without being offered food!

OutlookStalking · 25/02/2022 20:38

Under normal circumstances yes it would be rude and weird to order takeaway and not shout out to see if anyone else wanted anything adding (at their expense.)

However your circumstances don't seem normal (my dad was like your mum in not wanting to share his food when I stayed there - it looks like you need to find somewhere else?)

OutlookStalking · 25/02/2022 20:39

Ah snap Holskey

tiktokontheclock · 25/02/2022 20:40

How old are you?

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