Page 4 | Ordering food 'courtesy'

FavouritePi · 25/02/2022 20:48

@mcflurrybaby I read your other thread earlier and your mum has massive issues of her own. Please try to go home tomorrow and seek the professional help you need. Could you see if you can spend an evening or two a week with friends or other family?

Your mother is not what you need, she has massive issues of her own which are glaringly obvious. She's definitely not the mum you've needed. I'd normally have said you were a bit rude for not offering but your mum is massively unreasonable overall and perhaps resented your success and independence. There are abusive traits about her in your posts and I think she's rather tapped out of being a mum to you and has put herself and her partner first.

At 18 I took home £1100 a month and I paid £200 including all food to my single mum. She'd still buy me takeaways when she had it and when I moved out she'd always offer dh, me and DD food she'd cooked if we were visiting and the same if she wanted a takeaway. My MIL is exactly the same, any chat of offering money my MIL will furiously decline, FIL actually gets irritated by the offer too. Both my DM and MIL have said 'you never stop being a mum and giving to your kids'. Whether it's true or not, to not feed you whilst you lived there and paid a whopping £500 out of your salary to her was out of order. I'd also never have any visitors that I don't offer food to so I'm not sure what she's thinking now either.

Take care of yourself and your baby, OP

Original poster

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 20:49

@melonhead

You sound so lovely and kind and hard working.

I'm sorry that your mum doesn't realise what a good daughter you are. I'm afraid she doesn't seem like she's been a very good mother to you. You deserve better.

Hard to know how to handle her, but try to at least trust yourself more.

@melonhead I really do appreciate this comment, thank you for your kindness

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Original poster

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 20:51

@Ragwort

I feel sad for you OP and I've read your other thread, your family sounds very messed up ... I can't imagine not cooking for everyone in the house (or at least talking about what we are eating and sharing out the shopping/cooking), equally I can't imagine sending for a takeaway without including other members of the household. I think for your own peace of mind and stability it would be best for you and your DD to get back to your own home if possible.

My family is definitely messed up and that's the thing. In recent years I'll always buy or offer for everyone as I have the money. My mum just expects me to somehow find the money even if I don't have it, just to buy her something

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Original poster

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 20:52

I definitely understand the courtesy of asking if someone wants something and they'll pay for it. I think because my mum doesn't want to pay for it, I won't offer if I don't have the money to spare. Thanks for the comments as it makes a lot of sense. It seems my family set up is just strange anyway!

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ImInStealthMode · 25/02/2022 20:53

@HTH1

YANBU about the food but how can you possibly support two children in these circumstances? Do you have a partner who can help?

This. The food issue is really a side show to the main problem here, surely?

Do you have a plan in place for support and finance (other than your Mum) for your new baby OP? Do you have a partner in the picture?

bellac11 · 25/02/2022 20:59

I dont understand what the plan was for you staying with you mum (albeit its going to end tomorrow anyway), surely you took food with you to eat (cereal/eggs/pasta/milk etc etc) if you thought you were staying there for a bit OR the alternative is that you were buying food with your mum for you to eat while you were there??

Otherwise the only way you would eat is if she feeds you, which appears not to be the case from past history or you were going to rely on food deliveries? How can that be?

MyAnacondaMight · 25/02/2022 21:00

Your mother is abusive, appears to think that she is entitled to your money, and is trying to get it however she can. Now that she can’t charge you rent, she’s trying to get it via takeaway orders by withholding food when you visit and then claiming it’s rude not to buy for her too.

It’s not good manners to order takeaway at someone else’s house, but then it’s supremely rude to have someone to stay and not feed them. None of this is normal or healthy.

You could bring your own food and eat it in secret, to avoid the issue altogether. Or you could leave, and put some distance between your children and this toxic woman. Break the cycle.

FavouritePi · 25/02/2022 21:07

@bellac11

I dont understand what the plan was for you staying with you mum (albeit its going to end tomorrow anyway), surely you took food with you to eat (cereal/eggs/pasta/milk etc etc) if you thought you were staying there for a bit OR the alternative is that you were buying food with your mum for you to eat while you were there??

Otherwise the only way you would eat is if she feeds you, which appears not to be the case from past history or you were going to rely on food deliveries? How can that be?

Going through a MH crisis, I'm sure that's a 'sort it when I get there' thing. It's been a day ffs.

No mum should ever make her pregnant dd going a MH crisis feel worse by not offering any food/discuss food and then get annoyed that her dd provides her own food for herself.

Flickflak · 25/02/2022 21:11

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Original poster

mcflurrybaby · 25/02/2022 21:18

@bellac11

I dont understand what the plan was for you staying with you mum (albeit its going to end tomorrow anyway), surely you took food with you to eat (cereal/eggs/pasta/milk etc etc) if you thought you were staying there for a bit OR the alternative is that you were buying food with your mum for you to eat while you were there??

Otherwise the only way you would eat is if she feeds you, which appears not to be the case from past history or you were going to rely on food deliveries? How can that be?

@bellac11 I would have just done a food shop in the next few days. I'll be honest it wasn't at the front of my mind when I thought I'd be staying here for a few months. I just had to pack enough stuff and think about food and so on later

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mum11970 · 25/02/2022 21:18

Dh and I would get a takeaway for everyone but wouldn’t expect any of our adult children to buy for us. We’ve never charged anyone for food or rent.

Talipesmum · 25/02/2022 21:27

The bit that gets me is that you had been paying your mum £500 rent per month, but she wouldn’t include you in the household food shop, and said you should do your own food shop. If you’re charging your teenage daughter £500/month to live in the family home, I’m pretty outraged that you were somehow excluded from the household food. I think your mum is rather odd with this, OP. I’m really sorry because it sounds like a very messed up situation- not your fault.

Normando91 · 25/02/2022 21:33

This is just sad. I can’t understand where your mum is coming from at all.

When I visit my mums house, it’s literally a “help yourself to absolutely anything in the cupboards/fridge” and “I’m making such and such for dinner” or “we’re having takeaway”
I don’t think I’ve ever in my entire life been left with nothing to eat when with my mum.
She sounds entirely entitled and very selfish. Does she know you don’t have the funds to splurge on takeaway for everyone? Like, you have a 9 month old and another little one on the way, obviously money isn’t going to be in abundance right now.
I’d be limiting my time round there to be honest.

flashy44 · 25/02/2022 21:53

@mcflurrybaby

I'd really appreciate to hear people's opinions on this.

When I was younger I dropped out of college and started working full time in retail. I became a manager at 17 whilst still living at home. I'd pay my mum £500 rent whilst only earning 18K because that's what she asked of me. Over time I became depressed as I worked a lot but didn't see much of my own money. My mum was quite strict so I wasn't allowed out past certain times and I'd often order food (I'm a big comfort eater!) because I'd feel so down. I was told to do my own food shopping and couldn't eat anything in the house. Because I was constantly working and so exhausted on my one day off, I'd hardly get round to doing a food shop and I'd order food more frequently.

My mum always had an issue that I'd order food for myself and not her and my sister too. Tbh I could barely afford the food I was ordering let alone anything extra for anyone else. I'm not sure if it's my mum being entitled or I'm being selfish but she still has an issue with this to this day.

For example, DD and I stayed over at my mum's house last night. For the whole day I haven't had anything to eat whilst my mum's been making food for herself and her partner (my younger sister was at school.) I've been feeling really down so ordered myself Mcds and got my sister a drink because that's all I could afford. My mum calls my sister to her bedroom door and asks who was at the front door. My sister replied Mcds.

My mum storms out her room and goes 'did you not get anything for me' I said 'no sorry I just ordered because I haven't eaten all day, I can't afford to offer for everyone.' She goes, 'see we've had this problem before with you ordering' and just storms off. Can I just point out, since being an adult everytime I'm at my mum's I'll ask everyone what they want. I always buy food for them if I buy for myself as I've grown older and got better with money. I just don't understand the attitude that she HAS to have something bought for her and getting in a mood because she's been left out. Mcds for myself is £6. Mcds for my mum, my sister and her partner who I clearly can't leave out, is touching £20.

I just wondered what people thought or if there were any rules in your house when it came to ordering? If your kids order food, do they have to order for every person in the house every single time? Am I genuinely being selfish here and not seeing it even though I don't have the money to always buy for people? Help me out pls!

McDS do home delivery for a £6 order?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/02/2022 21:56

She sounds horrible! Don’t know where to start!

So she as the parent (albeit you’re grown up now, but you weren’t when this started) doesn’t have to provide food for you, even as a guest or when you were paying £500 pcm board, but you as her child have fo provide food for her if you want to have anything? This is so nuts!

She sounds a horrible, grasping miser.

cherryonthecakes · 25/02/2022 22:28

I have adult kids and they ask if anybody else wants stuff. I asked my son to add a cheeky McFlurry to his order and paid him the 99p

cherryonthecakes · 25/02/2022 22:32

I would not stay over at my mum's house if she wasn't even going to feed me. That's beyond basic courtesy for a guest. I certainly wouldn't take my dd along. That's just awful

Shmithecat2 · 25/02/2022 22:40

@Normando91

This is just sad. I can’t understand where your mum is coming from at all.

When I visit my mums house, it’s literally a “help yourself to absolutely anything in the cupboards/fridge” and “I’m making such and such for dinner” or “we’re having takeaway”
I don’t think I’ve ever in my entire life been left with nothing to eat when with my mum.
She sounds entirely entitled and very selfish. Does she know you don’t have the funds to splurge on takeaway for everyone? Like, you have a 9 month old and another little one on the way, obviously money isn’t going to be in abundance right now.
I’d be limiting my time round there to be honest.

Same - and I'm nearer 50 than 40. She'll always have food in that I like, drink that I like, ds' favorite bits etc. And more often than not she'll send me off with a food package when I leave 😳.

UndertheCedartree · 25/02/2022 22:48

I think you know there is a lot of messed up stuff going on here.

I live in my house with my 14 yo DS and 9 yo DD. As you can imagine the 14 yo eats me out of house and home and is always wanting me to order food rather than cook - because it's more exciting than my cooking, I guess! He also cooks quite a bit. If either of us cooks a meal we do it for everyone. The exception is my son cooking himself supper in the evening that my DD and I don't have as we are full up from dinner. When I do order a takeaway it is for us all. Sometimes if my DS really fancies takeaway but I can't afford it he will offer to go halves with me or even pay the lot. Sometimes I agree, sometimes not. But he wouldn't just order for himself. I would say that is pretty normal.

However, in your situation your mum seems to enjoy controlling you through food. She did it when you were a teen and is still doing it now. Did you specifically ask if you could have some breakfast or lunch?

I'm glad to hear you are going home. You said you were self referring for therapy. Are you getting any professional help right now?

liveforsummer · 26/02/2022 06:06

What wound your mum do if you just went and made a sandwich or served yourself some of a meal she'd made? I can't imagine sitting around at my mums waiting to be made something but then obviously there is a very different dynamic here

Howshouldibehave · 26/02/2022 09:08

If I didn’t have very much money, I wouldn’t be ordering any sort of takeaways-I’d go and buy some bread and butter.

Did your mum ask you to come and stay? When and how long for?

bellac11 · 26/02/2022 09:15

I dont know how to reply to you OP from your last response, I understand you went there in a hurry but you have a daughter, did you take her food with you or do you make that up out of food you would have bought? Hopefully you are already home or going home soon

BloodyForeland · 26/02/2022 09:25

@WonderfulYou

Do you have an issue with food?

I do think it’s odd that you would order food for yourself and not ask anyone else. What is your child going to eat?

You keep saying that you couldn’t afford to buy them food whilst you were living there (you shouldn’t have to) but it sounds like you were ordering food a lot which is of course going to leave you skint.

At home do you order lots of takeaways?

I definitely think you should go home as it seems more stressful than being at home.

Yes, these were things I was going to ask.

You mention a lot of comfort eating, OP, back when you lived with your mother, and say you felt depressed, unable to go food shopping and hence ordered a lot of takeaways — is your mother’s bizarre and counterproductive approach out of some kind of concern at what sounds like disordered eating? So she withholds access to food and then gets angry when you order takeaway food for yourself? Is her own eating disordered? Are either of you quite overweight, for example?

Given that you’re visiting your own home, why couldn’t you make yourself a sandwich or some toast? It just strikes me that you keep pointing to your mother as a reason for your dependence on takeaways — she charged you too much rent, therefore you got depressed and comfort ate takeaway food, and now she withholds food, so you order takeaway…? What does your baby eat when you’re staying with your mum?

I quite agree it sounds stressful and unpleasant all round, and that you should leave.

Howshouldibehave · 26/02/2022 10:53

We never ordered takeaways when I lived at home (parents still don’t!) so that would have been beyond weird if I had ordered one! If I was hungry at home, I’d have bought bread/crackers etc-something cheap if I didn’t have much money.

Does your mum think you eat too much/are overweight and is trying to modify your eating? I’m not saying that’s in any way right, just trying to understand what she’s thinking.

If you were hungry and she wasn’t offering you something, could you have asked to make a sandwich? What would she have said?

Juno22 · 26/02/2022 11:01

Your daughter is 9 months old and you are heavily pregnant? Do you have a partner for support?
It's unkind and cruel of your mother not to offer you and your daughter food. Yes, you should expect to pay your share of you are there for a while, but you have only been there for a day. I hope you have some other support because no mother should be treating her daughter like this.