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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work trip vrs slightly ill dh

478 replies

Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 08:10

I've got a work trip today. Staying overnight and coming back late tomorrow night. Dh is now moaning that he doesn't feel well and hinting that I should cancel.
I wfh, have only been their at work a few months and this is my first time to meet people from the office. I'm quite excited tbh.
Now dh is complaining about feeling unwell not covid just unwell and would prefer me to cancel.
We have teenagers who will be fine. They'll stay asleep until lunch then probably game all day. Might notice I'm not there.
So aibu to still go or should I stay home?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 10:19

This isn't a fake thread I've been around for over 10 years on mumsnet.
My point about salary is even though it good money he still treats it as if its pin money

OP posts:
overthethamesfromyou · 24/02/2022 10:19

Leave him a list of jobs that he reads when he shuffles down in his dressing gown of doom.
To be done in 'work time'

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 24/02/2022 10:20

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AllOfUsAreDead · 24/02/2022 10:20

He's a knob and you know it op. Go to work, go to the dinner and tell him to grow up and stop acting like a child.

Sally872 · 24/02/2022 10:21

"Only 60k"

Are you for real?

Would he support you stopping work? And cutting householf income by one 3rd. Would you want to?

He needs to get a grip. I would not be staying in a relationship where dh made me feel bad for socialising never mind working.

You both sound a bit ott. Him for needing looked after you for pandering to him.

rookiemere · 24/02/2022 10:22

I've reported one of the abusive posts using bad language. OP seems genuine enough to me, or do we think that only poor women can suffer from overbearing misogynistic Hs?

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/02/2022 10:22

I would cancel the trip then OP. 60k is nothing. Stay home and nurse your DH.

Sally872 · 24/02/2022 10:23

@Lochnessgiraffe

This isn't a fake thread I've been around for over 10 years on mumsnet. My point about salary is even though it good money he still treats it as if its pin money
So do you treat it as pin money with comments like "only 60k"
phoenixrosehere · 24/02/2022 10:24

I’m sick of wasting my energy on this site for idiots to keep making fake threads. It’s nit fair on the people who are genuinely in abusive/controlling relationships.

Um.. where does it say that MN or AIBU is for only those types of things? Those topics could also go into the relationship forum so there’s not like there isn’t other places for that sort of thing?

Original poster
Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 10:24

I'm sorry but people with good salaries can also have shitty days. I posted this morning as I genuinely thought I'd be unreasonable to go. Now I can see he is trying to be controlling again. I thought we were past it

OP posts:
diddl · 24/02/2022 10:25

"I've prepared dinner he can heat up."

Well if he's too ill to prepare food maybe you shouldn't be going?Hmm

No wonder he dies this if he's rewarded for it!

Quartz2208 · 24/02/2022 10:25

Or maybe the OP has been so worn down by her husband that what seems to be a very decent wage and responsibility and job by the vast majority that she just goes along with him about how worthless it is in comparison to his.

It could actually be pointing to the fact that this is actually a rather unpleasant man and difficult controlling relationship

BarbaraofSeville · 24/02/2022 10:25

@WonderfulYou

Work wise I think my job is important it's only £60k but I work hard for the money.

Oh ffs.

I fell for this thread completely.

Me too!
I’m sick of wasting my energy on this site for idiots to keep making fake threads. It’s nit fair on the people who are genuinely in abusive/controlling relationships.

Well if what the OP says is true, she is in an abusive/controlling relationship.

Belittles her contribution
Fails to pull his weight domestically and leaves an unfair proportion of domestic work to the OP and, most tellingly,
Makes it difficult for her to go on work trips, out with friends/colleagues by pretending to be ill and guilting her into thinking about not going.

All come under the definition of coercive control and a criminal offence.

OP, keep you job, excel at it, and plan to leave him (perhaps when teens are at university if you think best to wait until then) and live in your own property, alone, where you only have to look after yourself, and can come and go and do as you please. Flowers.

Bananawings · 24/02/2022 10:26

Congratulations on your new job op Flowers

It is really important that you go and meet your colleagues in person for the first time. Don't be persuaded otherwise. Your DH should be supporting you in your new job.

My DH used to travel a lot for his job pre-pandemic and I have been left on my own countless times when I was ill, and when DC were much smaller and ill, while DH was on the other side of the world for weeks at a time. What is your DH afraid of exactly, what is behind this? ? If he is really ill he could call a taxi to go to doctor or a&e? If it is cooking for the teens he could order a takeaway from his sick bed if necessary. Just make sure he has cash and things like Vicks, paracetamol, immodium, maybe some fizzy water and basic foodstuffs. You are only away overnight fhs! Don't give this another thought and go and do your job!

OkThenJustChill · 24/02/2022 10:27

Isn't it easy to understand why OP said only in context and comparison with her DH and this thread? I would feel as if it was 'only 60k' if my DH earned double and did much less work, it would make me feel underpaid.

You should obviously go OP.

liquidrevolution · 24/02/2022 10:27

ffs 60k is more than my DH and I earn together.

Ditch the husband, have a lovely career.

HoppingPavlova · 24/02/2022 10:27

Go without a second thought. Tell him to get one of the kids to call you if he gets admitted to a hospital Grin.

rookiemere · 24/02/2022 10:29

The fact that OP thinks that £60k is a low wage is indicative of the controlling and belittling impact of her H. I really am bewildered by some of the responses here, it's as if people are so jealous of OPs salary that they can't see the actual issue.

toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 10:29

At least with a salary like yours it will be easier to leave him.

Also with your salaries you shouldn’t have even thought about sorting a meal before you left, easily afford a takeaway or more upmarket delivered meal.

Enjoy your evening and then spend time thinking about your future

WonderfulYou · 24/02/2022 10:30

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OutlandishBird · 24/02/2022 10:31

From past experience, for some men the "illness" is directly related to anxiety/control.
He sounds anxious. He's worried about you going on the trip, worried you'll find a life for yourself and won't need him, maybe worried about the men that'll be there.

In his mind being "ill" might be real, he may or may not realise he's doing it.
He's now made it into a no win situation. If you go his anxiety is validated that you don't care about him and he'll make your life miserable about it. If you stay he's won and he'll pull this crap in future (whether deliberately or not).

Is this the first time he's pulled this stunt? I'm amazed if it is.

You should 100% go.

toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 10:31

But she has explained the ‘only’ is how her DH sees it, so seeing it as pin money.

rookiemere · 24/02/2022 10:31

Oh wow so only those on low salaries can be in abusive relationships, who knew.

BlingLoving · 24/02/2022 10:32

Aaah op, I'm sorry you're going through this. Just keep ignoring him, breezy, "hope you feel better, dinner is in the fridge" and off you go. He does not want you to do things for yourself.

BoredZelda · 24/02/2022 10:33

I'm sorry but people with good salaries can also have shitty days. I posted this morning as I genuinely thought I'd be unreasonable to go

I'd assume anyone earning 60k shouldn't have a problem in determining whether a work trip should go ahead in the circumstances you described.