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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work trip vrs slightly ill dh

478 replies

Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 08:10

I've got a work trip today. Staying overnight and coming back late tomorrow night. Dh is now moaning that he doesn't feel well and hinting that I should cancel.
I wfh, have only been their at work a few months and this is my first time to meet people from the office. I'm quite excited tbh.
Now dh is complaining about feeling unwell not covid just unwell and would prefer me to cancel.
We have teenagers who will be fine. They'll stay asleep until lunch then probably game all day. Might notice I'm not there.
So aibu to still go or should I stay home?

OP posts:
ItsLisaLou · 24/02/2022 10:33

Surely you’ve Googled or looked at Glassdoor/LinkedIn benchmarks to see that 60k is well above an average UK wage… it’s not a subjective number. Which is why it’s offensive to use the word “only” when you know the average reader will be worse off.

Besides that, you absolutely need to go. I had a friend growing up who used to conveniently only get sick when her parents were planning trips away…however, she was 7. He’s being ridiculous!

WallaceinAnderland · 24/02/2022 10:35

@BoredZelda

I'm sorry but people with good salaries can also have shitty days. I posted this morning as I genuinely thought I'd be unreasonable to go

I'd assume anyone earning 60k shouldn't have a problem in determining whether a work trip should go ahead in the circumstances you described.

That's what I was thinking.
BoredZelda · 24/02/2022 10:38

That's what I was thinking.

Are you also wondering what job you can have that pays 120k where you can just sit watching YouTube between meetings and apparently not do any work?

Groovee · 24/02/2022 10:39

Go... he's a grown up with teenagers.

I had surgery last week and Dh took the day after off. Then I was here with my 19 year old. You just get on with it.

Fizzgigg · 24/02/2022 10:40

@Lochnessgiraffe

I'm sorry but people with good salaries can also have shitty days. I posted this morning as I genuinely thought I'd be unreasonable to go. Now I can see he is trying to be controlling again. I thought we were past it
The phrasing of 'thought we were past it' suggests he has previous form for controlling behaviour? Sounds like you struggle to recognize it though as it's probably so normal. Glad you're going and ignore all the people who were previously sympathetic but then decided high earners can't be in controlling relationships. Get yourself off out to work and dinner and don't give his 'illness' a second thought.
Clymene · 24/02/2022 10:41

@Lochnessgiraffe

I'm sorry but people with good salaries can also have shitty days. I posted this morning as I genuinely thought I'd be unreasonable to go. Now I can see he is trying to be controlling again. I thought we were past it
Absolutely you can. And yes he absolutely is being controlling.
PyongyangKipperbang · 24/02/2022 10:42

As I said before, he has really got into your head hasnt he?

"Only" 60k, pin money, too ill to go....

How ill exactly? Because unless it is a hospital job or he literally cannot take himself to the loo and back, he is not too ill for you to go. Is it that you mean "He will ramp up the guilt tripping to the point where I feel I cannot go because the consequences will terrible"?

I think you should go but make sure that you DO tell him that you are out for dinner tonight. Controllers can only control you as much as you allow them to. Make it clear that his games will not work.

And then think about how much of a marriage you actually have here.....

Alicenwonderland · 24/02/2022 10:42

Definitely trying to be controlling. Also 60k is a huge wage! (Enough to live on your own IMO). I'm a single mum with an autistic 8 year old, 10 year old and autistic 18 year old and I managed alone when I had Covid and tonsillitis last month!

CleoUK · 24/02/2022 10:43

Just go. Enjoy your evening.
Maybe leave some cash/ treat for your teens as a compensation as they will have to listen to him moan the whole evening Wink

worriedatthemoment · 24/02/2022 10:45

Why should you be doing home things in work hrs , does he ?
How would your finances be if you just gave up , regardless of if you earn less , I earn less than my dh doesn't mean without that income we would be ok or that my job is less
Unless he was seriously ill I would go , i go to work when my teenagers are ill , I can't just take time off

Starlia · 24/02/2022 10:45

Once my DH had a serious eye injury that required immediate treatment, potentially surgery.
I took the day off work to drive him to and from appointments with specialists and then the hospital.
He feels 'achey'?
Fuck me. How do you stand being near him?

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 24/02/2022 10:46

You thought you were past it, so he's been a controlling knob in the past has he, quelle surprise.

He tells you 60k is a little job money (it bloody isn't btw), you have a cleaner yet he moans about you not doing housework in your work hours, but sits on his arse on youtube in his work hours. You have teenagers who can take care of themselves but the minute you have a work thing that takes you out of the house he expects you to drop it to listen to him whine and give him sympathy over a (most likely made up) snuffle? And you know what his reaction will be if you tell him about a colleague dinner so you don't say anything?

This is abuse. He's been controlling before, he's clearly doing it again, he won't change.

worriedatthemoment · 24/02/2022 10:49

@BoredZelda yes please sign me up for it

StringFellow · 24/02/2022 10:51

@BoredZelda

I'm sorry but people with good salaries can also have shitty days. I posted this morning as I genuinely thought I'd be unreasonable to go

I'd assume anyone earning 60k shouldn't have a problem in determining whether a work trip should go ahead in the circumstances you described.

Ah so you feel people in jobs with higher salaries can’t also be in abusive or controlling relationships? Hmm what a stupid comment to make.
Mybestyear · 24/02/2022 10:51

Sadly I think the husband has done a real number on @Lochnessgiraffe and suspect the work trip will be cancelled.

@Lochnessgiraffe if you are still reading, unless your husband is in a coma - a medical one, not a Youtube induced one - then you should go. He is trying to control you which is never a good sign. A good/supportive partner would be playing down their symptoms to encourage you to go on this important trip in your new job. Does he want you to 'fail' in your job/life in general (needing to do chores during work time, not networking with new colleagues etc)?

There is way more at play here than him simply not wanting you to leave him for the night.

worriedatthemoment · 24/02/2022 10:52

Now reading the update on your salary i think that would make a big difference if you never worked to your lifestyle
£60000 is a huge salary that many can only dream of. The fact he sees that as a mere salary alone would make me want to leave and shows he is out of touch with reality

toomuchlaundry · 24/02/2022 10:53

So anyone on a good salary can’t be ground down by their partner @BoredZelda?

luckylavender · 24/02/2022 10:53

Just go

MrsDeadpool · 24/02/2022 10:53

@BoredZelda

I'm sorry but people with good salaries can also have shitty days. I posted this morning as I genuinely thought I'd be unreasonable to go

I'd assume anyone earning 60k shouldn't have a problem in determining whether a work trip should go ahead in the circumstances you described.

Perhaps you don’t realise that women earning 60k can also be victims of abuse and coercive control? It’s impossible to believe you’d be okay on your own if a controlling partner has made you believe the contrary. Having your own money doesn’t mean you can’t be controlled. It’s not until you realise that it’s happening to you that the money becomes an important factor in being able to get away.

Some people here are showing a degree of reverse snobbery which undermines us as women. We should support each other when we are being abused, no matter what an individual’s circumstances.

WonderfulYou · 24/02/2022 10:54

I’m sorry if this is a real thread.

I still stand by what I said and what other PPs have said - that you absolutely should go.

Would he expect you to stay home if it was just a normal work day - probably not.

If he gets worse whilst you’re away he can call an ambulance. But it doesn’t sound like that will be needed as he’s only just started feeling slightly ill.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/02/2022 10:55

Re high earners and abuse......a certain type of abuser actually enjoys taking down more successful and able women, it proves just how big and strong and fantastic they are.

Sad but true.

MzHz · 24/02/2022 10:56

@rookiemere

Oh wow so only those on low salaries can be in abusive relationships, who knew.
exactly.

Abuse isn’t means tested.

Abusers are just as likely to be pilots, doctors, judges and politicians as they are unemployed, or NMW or employed at any level.

Abusers abuse.

girlmom21 · 24/02/2022 10:58

@Lochnessgiraffe

I'm sorry but people with good salaries can also have shitty days. I posted this morning as I genuinely thought I'd be unreasonable to go. Now I can see he is trying to be controlling again. I thought we were past it
It was the 'only' comment that got peoples backs up.

The fact you feel you can't even tell him you'll be having a nice evening meal is awful.

I hope you go and have a lovely time and network well.

MzHz · 24/02/2022 11:00

Yes I also think you absolutely MUST go on your work trip.

Draw the red line. He can’t fuck with your job.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 24/02/2022 11:01

I don’t think he thinks £60k is insignificant, he just wants you to think it is so you remain dependent on him and under his control. Earning that amount makes you particularly susceptible to having opinions, independence and not being the little wife at home at his beck and call. Do not cancel your work trip, you will make yourself look stupid and jeopardise your career. If you want to cancel something then I suggest cancelling the husband.