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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work trip vrs slightly ill dh

478 replies

Lochnessgiraffe · 24/02/2022 08:10

I've got a work trip today. Staying overnight and coming back late tomorrow night. Dh is now moaning that he doesn't feel well and hinting that I should cancel.
I wfh, have only been their at work a few months and this is my first time to meet people from the office. I'm quite excited tbh.
Now dh is complaining about feeling unwell not covid just unwell and would prefer me to cancel.
We have teenagers who will be fine. They'll stay asleep until lunch then probably game all day. Might notice I'm not there.
So aibu to still go or should I stay home?

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 24/02/2022 12:15

Not sure where not massively long relationship coming from. Op says DH and we have teenagers so they’ve been together at least 14 years presumably.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/02/2022 12:17

I'm going out for dinner with some of my colleagues tonight but I darent mention it or he'll definitely be too ill for me to go

That is both pathetic of him and controlling. What is worrying is that you can predict it but you still haven't felt able to knock this childish behaviour on the head, instead you "daren't" mention it to him. If you can't just tell him where you're going and walk off (and expect him to recover from his "illness" the moment you're out the door) then you have a real problem. You've internalised that something about his "illness" is a real threat - either he will make himself really ill, or he will get some kind of spiteful revenge on you. That's not a healthy relationship.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/02/2022 12:19

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GatoradeMeBitch · 24/02/2022 12:19

So basically he feels threatened that you'll be around adults and is implying you don't care about him if you don't stay home to tend to his ambiguous illness.

Go, and forget about him. If there's an opportunity to enjoy yourself at a dinner or whatever, take it. Don't let succeed in throwing a wet blanket over your trip. This is how emotionally immature teenagers act out. A grown adult shouldn't even think they'd get away with this behaviour.

GeneLovesJezebel · 24/02/2022 12:23

Have you gone OP ?

rookiemere · 24/02/2022 12:23

@Regularsizedrudy if you think the OP is a troll then report it, don't post here.

FetchezLaVache · 24/02/2022 12:26

OP I suggest you tell him you've cancelled, then watch his miraculous recovery, then head off to your meeting as planned.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 24/02/2022 12:29

Sounds to me like he's trying to sabotage your new job
£60k is a lot of money but even if it was 6k your Self worth is priceless
Hope you enjoy meeting your new colleagues
YADNBU

PriamFarrl · 24/02/2022 12:31

@Lochnessgiraffe

I think he just wants to moan. Not for me to do anything. Work wise I think my job is important it's only £60k but I work hard for the money. I'd love to earn what he does and have so little to do!
Only? Lord above that’s almost double my full time teaching wage.
rookiemere · 24/02/2022 12:36

I'd like to earn £60k too, but if the cost of that is living with an H who belittles me and tries to sabotage my work, then I'd rather earn as I am with a supportive DH.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/02/2022 12:38

@BoredZelda

so the bit where OP says she is worried he is being controlling again passed you by

Yes, I saw that drip feed. You would have thought any form for controlling would be in the OP, especially given it's not a massively long relationship.

Where does OP say it's not a long relationship? Did I miss that?
CaptaNoctem · 24/02/2022 12:44

I can't believe that you are entertaining the idea of not going for one minute.

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/02/2022 12:46

Go, this sort of behaviour is controlling and even putting up with it with no challenge is wrong.

irene9 · 24/02/2022 12:57

I'm afraid you are getting the Mummy's Boy acting out. Also known as the Dressing Gown of Doom.
As soon as 'Mummy' is in the room the sniff and cough count goes up to about 10 times per minute instead of 3 times a day.
He's acting out because he's relatively insecure and doesn't like having to take responsibility for being a grown up in the household. Because that's your job. He's just 'the child' and you are 'the mother'.
So yeah, go on your work trip. Tell him to message one of the teens to call an ambulance if he needs it.

jolota · 24/02/2022 12:57

Definitely agree you should go on this work trip.
My husband has also only been at his job 3 months, all WFH because of covid & had the opportunity to go in & meet everyone for the first time last week.
We only had a discussion about whether he should go because it was so close to my due date (less than a week), but I wanted him to be able to go & meet people, especially before he takes time off for paternity leave. He just drove rather than get the train so he could be back in 2-3 hours if I did go into labour.
Think your husband is very unreasonable to expect you not to go. It doesn't sound like he's genuinely unwell & even so, he's an adult, unless he's too ill to even get out of bed, what are you going to do for him? Unless he's bed bound, whilst ill, I'd certainly still be capable of making myself a cup of tea & heat a ready meal. It's one night! Whilst it's nice to be looked after, it's not always possible.
I work outside the home so often ask my husband if he can put a wash on/do the dishwasher during the day if he has time between meetings. If he's particularly busy then he won't, but it's never a problem, there's always another day & I wouldn't expect him to be doing chores during every work day; deserves to have downtime during his lunch break.
Based on your further comments he sounds like he wants you to be a housewife & is very demeaning about your job. As others say 60k is a great salary. If he views it as pin money then you should be squirrelling it away for a just in case scenario. He sounds generally quite disrespectful to you & manipulative.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/02/2022 13:06

Wtf? Of course you go. What does your "D"h want you to do for him if you stay? What an odd request

AryaStarkWolf · 24/02/2022 13:08

@Lochnessgiraffe

He does have form for being 'ill' if I've got to go somewhere but he hasn't done it for a few years. I'm going out for dinner with some of my colleagues tonight but I darent mention it or he'll definitely be too ill for me to go
That's a sad way to live :/
00100001 · 24/02/2022 13:12

@Lochnessgiraffe

I think he just wants to moan. Not for me to do anything. Work wise I think my job is important it's only £60k but I work hard for the money. I'd love to earn what he does and have so little to do!
"only" £60,000

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Lougle · 24/02/2022 13:14

I think you need to objectively decide if he's ill enough for you to need to stay home. If he isn't (and it's clear that you think he isn't) then staying home would serve another purpose. You need to be able to do your job and do it well.

Kerning · 24/02/2022 13:19

Diagnosis: manchild.

Sexnotgender · 24/02/2022 13:28

@Lochnessgiraffe

I'm sorry but people with good salaries can also have shitty days. I posted this morning as I genuinely thought I'd be unreasonable to go. Now I can see he is trying to be controlling again. I thought we were past it
Your DH sounds like a controlling knob.

I’d reassess my options whilst on my trip.

ClawedButler · 24/02/2022 13:32

Gee, I hope he pulls through. Touch and go when it's a severe case of not-sure-what-it-is-but-I-definitely-don't-feel-right-itis. What terrible people you all are, dismissing this poor damp rag of a man's suffering when he's practically at death's door. And as any phule no, this dreadful affliction can only be ameliorated by the presence of an adult human female. Teenagers are of course brain-dead monkeys incapable of either making a cup of tea OR dialling for an ambulance when the Disease finally claims its be-robed victim.

DameHelena · 24/02/2022 13:33

@BIWI

Several things about your posts are concerning *@Lochnessgiraffe*

First, how he undermines you and your job
Second, how he refuses to do any house chores when he has the time (and you don't)
Third, how he's laying it on thick to stop you going on something important
Fourth, how you have pandered to him by making his dinner
Fifth, that you're frightened to tell him that you will be going out for drinks and dinner this evening

... and, above all,

Sixth, that you have actually considered cancelling a work trip because of his behaviour, and his attitude towards you and your work

I think you need to have a long and frank discussion with him about all of this and make it very clear that you are equal partners in your marriage, and that your job is just as important as his - even if the salaries don't match.

I agree with all this.
ClawedButler · 24/02/2022 13:34

Maybe get a chaise longue for your husband. He can drape himself over that like a Georgian lady with the vapours.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 24/02/2022 13:34

@Itsallok

This cant be a real thread. No-one would seriously cancel an important work trip to baby a pathetic DH with a cold. Do these people exist? Sometimes I feel MN is a complete parallel universe
Well I would, not because of DH having a cold but because I can't think of anything worse than travelling for work and I'd be looking for any excuse not to go! Obviously the OP's situation is different and she should go.