Work trip vrs slightly ill dh

[Lochnessgiraffe]

I've got a work trip today. Staying overnight and coming back late tomorrow night. Dh is now moaning that he doesn't feel well and hinting that I should cancel.
I wfh, have only been their at work a few months and this is my first time to meet people from the office. I'm quite excited tbh.
Now dh is complaining about feeling unwell not covid just unwell and would prefer me to cancel.
We have teenagers who will be fine. They'll stay asleep until lunch then probably game all day. Might notice I'm not there.
So aibu to still go or should I stay home?

Go and make a success of your job.

He is controlling.

Financial independence is so important when living with controlling men.

Controlling is abusive.

Be aware.

I hope you have your own account and savings.

He feels threatened by your job.

Call Womens aid for confirmation of what you are dealing with.

Are you happy with this oaf?

@Lochnessgiraffe

I'm sorry but people with good salaries can also have shitty days. I posted this morning as I genuinely thought I'd be unreasonable to go. Now I can see he is trying to be controlling again. I thought we were past it

Controlling again? What made you think he was past it?

A grown adult feeling slightly poorly is not a reason to cancel your plans when your children are teenagers! Does your DH normally need this level of mollycoddling and fussing over?

And yes, he is controlling.

Delicate little flower. Leave him some medicine, micro meals and give him a pat on the head as you leave.

Go

What a dick, I’m sure if you were feeling a bit unwell he wouldn’t stay home and fuss over you? He’s an adult, you staying home isn’t going to make him feel less unwell. He can look after himself and the teens are capable of looking after themselves, he’s just looking for a reason for you not to go.

*Ah so you feel people in jobs with higher salaries can’t also be in abusive or controlling relationships? hmm what a stupid comment to make. (and others making the same point)

Of course they can. But there is little to suggest that is what is happening here.

So a man-child who undervalues your £60k job and only sees it as pin money.
Also, manipulates you into considering staying home as it doesn't suit his needs.
I'd be going away tonight and probably tack an extra day or two onto it for good measure.

Go. I’m ill (never ending cold/ flu) and pregnant AND have two one year olds, and DH didn’t even think about cancelling his work trip when he skipped out the door at 6.30 this morning. Enjoy meeting your new team!

@BoredZelda so the bit where OP says she is worried he is being controlling again passed you by

Controlling again?
What made you think he was past it?

Good point.

I thought this was a red flag for being controlling but it sounds like he is already controlling.

OP this doesn’t sound like a very happy relationship.

The reason that you probably don’t think £60K is that much is because he’s made you think that - on that salary alone you could live a life of luxury but he has made you believe that you couldn’t so you can’t leave.

If he’s like many other controlling partners he will increase the closer it gets to going - if you end up going and having a good time I guarantee that in a few days he’ll start saying his you need to be a SAHP or work closer to home or something.

Believes I have too many meetings so I can't do home things during work hours.

Why should you expect to do home things during work hours? It's not what you're paid for,

Also I earn half of what he does.

If that makes a difference to him then he is an arsehole. You work harder than he does. That should make a difference. If he can get away with putting a load of washing on during work hours then he should, instead of watching Youtube. He sounds really lazy, earning less doesn't make you his servant.

I've prepared dinner he can heat up.

Why? To imagine the grateful smile on his face?

Now I can see he is trying to be controlling again. I thought we were past it

Controlling people don't just "get past" it. At best you will have to resist his creeping atempts at control forever.

60K is a very decent salary, you could get out from under altogether and lead a more pleasant life.

He's being controlling. It's a slippery slope! Stand your ground go to your work trip or you are setting a precedent for more of this behaviour. Him making you feel like your money in pin money is disgusting. He wants you to feel unimportant. He wants you to know you shouldn't prioritise your own needs. He wants you to know he is more important than you are. He is a misogynistic bully with an inflated view of himself.

so the bit where OP says she is worried he is being controlling again passed you by

Yes, I saw that drip feed. You would have thought any form for controlling would be in the OP, especially given it's not a massively long relationship.

Does your DH cancel work and/or stay at home to watch you/hold your hand when you are 'slightly' ill?

I know it's totally off topic but might I recommend wireless headphones. My bluetooth headphones are a god-send and I can now do back to back meetings and still make a coffee or load the dishwasher or fold laundry!

Oh and go to your meeting - he is being an arse!

Oh who cares what the OP or her twat of a husband earns, that is absolutely not what the thread is about, she has mentioned it for context.

OP he IS trying to control you and your movements.

He's being a twat.

@rookiemere

The fact that OP thinks that £60k is a low wage is indicative of the controlling and belittling impact of her H. I really am bewildered by some of the responses here, it's as if people are so jealous of OPs salary that they can't see the actual issue.

Indeed talk about the 'green eyed monster'!

@BoredZelda

so the bit where OP says she is worried he is being controlling again passed you by

Yes, I saw that drip feed. You would have thought any form for controlling would be in the OP, especially given it's not a massively long relationship.

How is it not a massively long relationship? They've got teenagers.

She didn't think about it as controlling until posters pointed it out. When people suggested it she openly said she thought they were 'past that' which shows that it had happened before but he hasn't behaved like it for quite a while.

Presumably he hadn't behaved like it while OP was being a good little wife and now he's returned to form when she's got herself a good job with nice opportunities

Your husband is being a twat. You have a high pressure job and earn a high wage. You deserve respect and consideration for your career.

Have a great time on your overnight trip!

@Lochnessgiraffe

He does have form for being 'ill' if I've got to go somewhere but he hasn't done it for a few years. I'm going out for dinner with some of my colleagues tonight but I darent mention it or he'll definitely be too ill for me to go

Well this just confirms he is jist a controlling twat.

If anything it’s a blessing he’s been such a prat as it’s made you see his true colours. He’s trying to sabotage you and hold you back. It’s not normal you can’t tell him you are socialising with new colleagues tonight. That’s a good thing - you need to be settled and happy with your colleagues. I’d be sending my husband a pic of my meal and telling him I finally met x who I’ve been talking to on teams for weeks. I’d be giving all to career. If he feels more domestic input is needed at home then he can do it or arrange it eg increase cleaner hours. To be earning your wage you are obviously in a skilled and demanding role. Don’t let him demean you.

@Octomore

A grown adult feeling slightly poorly is not a reason to cancel your plans when your children are teenagers! Does your DH normally need this level of mollycoddling and fussing over?

It's not really a reason even if the kids are young & need looking after!