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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it DH or me? (money matters)

198 replies

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 07:29

My DH and I have been together for 5 years. Over all this time there had been a real lack of transparency of what happens with his salary/money. He has children from a previous marriage. Throughout all of this year's, I've been the one paying most of the household bills. The percentage has varied through the years, but the best we ever got was about 60/40. I've always put all of my salary and my trust money in the joint account (big mistake) and he's always put in whatever he's been able to at the time. Also through the years, I've covered big expenses. I bought him a car (with my savings) and thanks to my savings and my family's help we've been able to get our mortgage for our first house and then for our current home. In the past, he's misused my credit card, and has lied about his personal finance situation (mainly being out of his overdraft). Over all of these years I've always wondered what does he actually does to his money and raised my concerns every now and then and things have improved but never to the full transparency that I would want. So we've reached a breaking point and I've told him the household would pay for his debts but he most close his current account, but he didn't want to close said account. I took his feedback and then suggested the household would pay for his overdraft, he keeps his joint account, we start getting paper statements (for transparency) and his salary gets paid to the joint account. I think considering everything I've done, and his constant lying for a year he still got a decent deal. To which he said that he didn't want that to happen because he wanted to pay CM from his account (as matter of dignity) and he'd transfer the rest. I said that didn't give me the transparency I wanted and I still had to rely on him transferring his salary. Then I lost it as I couldn't comprehend how he had the pizzazz to "voice his opinion" in a matter that quite frankly I've had enough. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Sausagedogsarethebest · 24/02/2022 07:42

Does this mean you contributed all the deposit for your home OP? I hope you've ringfenced that so that you're protected if you split.

I wouldn't be happy if I had joint household expenses and my partner was not willing to disclose their income. Usually means they're hiding something.

Nix32 · 24/02/2022 07:45

Deal breaker for me. What reason does he give for not being open about his finances?

Onlyrainbows · 24/02/2022 08:01

The excuses have always been around having too many standing borders / micro debts. No, I didn't ring fence it. I thought of doing it, but then he raised his concerns about "married couples sharing everything".

Quartz2208 · 24/02/2022 08:03

Why on earth are you still letting him dictate and basically make you pay for everything you should be having enough

Sausagedogsarethebest · 24/02/2022 08:06

"Married couples sharing everything"

So that's ok when it comes to your money, but not when it comes to him sharing his finances? Deal breaker for me.

Also, name change fail OP.

MordredsOrrery · 24/02/2022 08:07

Red flags everywhere. If this is a short marriage you might be able to get out now without losing too much more. He sounds like he's out for everything he can get.

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 08:09

Ahh it's the jumping between app and website.

OP posts:
pansypotter123 · 24/02/2022 08:10

It looks as though he's using you. How much have you actually put in deposit wise and how much trust money? What deposit did he pay?

AmandaHoldensLips · 24/02/2022 08:11

You need to get everything out on the table and find out what's going on. Financial incompetence and mismanagement can be life ruining.

GeneLovesJezebel · 24/02/2022 08:12

I hope you’ve ringfenced your family’s contribution to the house ?
From what you’ve written I can’t see why you stay with him.
I’d take any joint money, put it in my account and say it’s over.

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 08:14

He didn't put anything towards the deposit he has no savings (never has had them).

OP posts:
Aprilx · 24/02/2022 08:16

What is all this talk of “ring fencing”. People do know you can’t just decide to ring fence your assets once you are married. They are join assets. There is some protection in the earlier years, but this is eroded over time.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 24/02/2022 08:17

How long have you been married? You say together 5 years.
If it’s a short marriage - i would book a solicitor appointment today and find out how much you stand to lose on divorce. I’d then start proceedings. The longer you stay together the more of your asserts he will get.

If you are posting here in 5/10 years you will be kicking yourself if he walks away with more.

He doesn’t want to share his money , only yours. I’d be interested to know if he pays the FULL amount of child maintenance - or wherever greedy mcgreedyson pays the least he can get away with!

Lastqueenofscotland · 24/02/2022 08:18

Why on earth have you put up with this for so long

GeneLovesJezebel · 24/02/2022 08:18

But you can have a larger share on the deeds if you both agree to it ?

Randomness12 · 24/02/2022 08:18

Oh dear. I agree, too many red flags. Do you know what he earns? How much he has in savings and exactly what he owes and to who? This is a deal breaker for me, full transparency or no more marriage.

He can pay his CM from his personal account after he transfers it from the joint one. He’s lying to you.

Seek legal advice about the house deposit and car. Do you have children?

Authenticcelestialmusic · 24/02/2022 08:19

With done mortgage lenders family can put a charge on the house to get their gifted deposit back. If the house is repossessed they lose it but on sale (assuming enough equity) they get the full amount back.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 24/02/2022 08:19

Some not done

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 08:21

Exactly! I told him we just paid it back to his account and then he can pay CM that way (he does pay the full amount by the way).

OP posts:
worriedatthemoment · 24/02/2022 08:24

I don't know why it can't go in the joint account both salaries and then you have a standing order for x amount to go back in to own accounts
Or you just pay in exactly half each into joint account incl a bit extra to cover any purchases that may need buying

worriedatthemoment · 24/02/2022 08:25

And also he starts paying you back for the car as you don't have all joint finances so you can get your savings back up

coodawoodashooda · 24/02/2022 08:26

It's not you.

Meandthesky · 24/02/2022 08:31

YANBU

What’s yours is shared but what’s his is his, that’s not at all fair. And the secrecy is a massive red flag.

RosesforTea · 24/02/2022 08:32

I’m assuming a realistically short marriage and no children between you.

The best financial advice would be to divorce him, but you can stay romantically/living together. The divorce is separating your financial affairs. You become ‘roommates’ in the eyes of the law.

This is how you are living (mostly) financially, so why not do it?

The house deposit should then be in your name only and he can either pay you rent and it is only your name on the title, or you are both on the title, and pay half the mortgage each, but your deposit is ringfenced.

Everything else, split 50:50, like flatmates would.

You can stay together as partners, this just protects you financially.

Namenic · 24/02/2022 08:32

See a solicitor for advice. I would not put up with this - dealbreaker

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