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Original poster

Is it DH or me? (money matters)

198 replies

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 07:29

My DH and I have been together for 5 years. Over all this time there had been a real lack of transparency of what happens with his salary/money. He has children from a previous marriage. Throughout all of this year's, I've been the one paying most of the household bills. The percentage has varied through the years, but the best we ever got was about 60/40. I've always put all of my salary and my trust money in the joint account (big mistake) and he's always put in whatever he's been able to at the time. Also through the years, I've covered big expenses. I bought him a car (with my savings) and thanks to my savings and my family's help we've been able to get our mortgage for our first house and then for our current home. In the past, he's misused my credit card, and has lied about his personal finance situation (mainly being out of his overdraft). Over all of these years I've always wondered what does he actually does to his money and raised my concerns every now and then and things have improved but never to the full transparency that I would want. So we've reached a breaking point and I've told him the household would pay for his debts but he most close his current account, but he didn't want to close said account. I took his feedback and then suggested the household would pay for his overdraft, he keeps his joint account, we start getting paper statements (for transparency) and his salary gets paid to the joint account. I think considering everything I've done, and his constant lying for a year he still got a decent deal. To which he said that he didn't want that to happen because he wanted to pay CM from his account (as matter of dignity) and he'd transfer the rest. I said that didn't give me the transparency I wanted and I still had to rely on him transferring his salary. Then I lost it as I couldn't comprehend how he had the pizzazz to "voice his opinion" in a matter that quite frankly I've had enough. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 16:30

I've done even more digging and last year (thanks partly to my redundancy) my total income (sans trust or help from my family) was £16925 his income was £19812, even if I take away CM, he made a total of £17412.

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Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 16:32

Those are net @pearpickingporky . You have to consider the salary difference only became huge about two months ago. (See my previous update)

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 24/02/2022 16:35

@Alwaysforgiving

Those are net *@pearpickingporky* . You have to consider the salary difference only became huge about two months ago. (See my previous update)
I get that.

But I don't really understand what the issue is here. Your bills are 3000 a month, your net inclome (less CM) is 4400 or so a month. What do you want the excess 1400 or so of your combined income after bills to be spent on?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/02/2022 16:35

Ok so OP he can't be trusted to be fair with finances based on what you say, because regardless of the situation now even when you earned the same or less than him, you still had to take on the lion's share of financial pressure. And he's repeatedly lied about financial stuff. And has a history of lying about other stuff including messaging other women.

So you need to decide if you're happy to be with someone like that, who does things that make you feel stressed, sad and unsupported. Or whether it's better to move on.

What do you think?

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 16:39

We need to save for new cars (mostly his), we need to buy a new sofa as ours is falling apart. The house needs new floors (my Dad's room literally has a hole). We need to buy new crockery/linen/towels/cutlery. We need a new Dyson/shark or something that actually works. I had to buy new work clothes because I didn't have any. I need to go and see my family, that's not cheap (and my dad hasn't met the now toddler). The house also needs new carpets and general decor. We've never been able to save enough to make our previous houses a home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 16:42

This because regardless of the situation now even when you earned the same or less than him, you still had to take on the lion's share of financial pressure. And he's repeatedly lied about financial stuff. one million times.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/02/2022 16:44

@Alwaysforgiving

This because regardless of the situation now even when you earned the same or less than him, you still had to take on the lion's share of financial pressure. And he's repeatedly lied about financial stuff. one million times.
So what's the plan then OP?

Relationships with people we don't trust, or people we don't think see us as equals, don't work. They can't be happy or healthy.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling taken advantage of by someone?

EmpressCixi · 24/02/2022 16:50

Well, I think you did a really good job negotiating with him OP and it’s a good step forward on his part to transparency. In regards to the CM...it will show as paid by him whether he sends the payment from a sole account in his name or a joint account in both your names. The payment won’t show up as from “Mr X and Miss OP” it will just be his name. So he doesn’t have to sacrifice his dignity by paying the CM for his other children from a joint account.
Try this state out and see out it goes, I’m not in favour of ultimatums or LTBs as he is listening to you and compromising in an effort to find a solution you can both like.

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 17:04

@EmpressCixi that's where I'm at. He puts his salary in (then I don't have to deal with the mental load of "is his salary going to be intact or is he going to keep some for some obscure reason?").

Then we have two options, either the household pays his overdraft and debt and we just redistribute the money (including said £80 that is his personal allowance that he can burn if he wants). Once he builds some savings, we can look at him having his salary back (or not).

The allowance may well increase once we've reached financial stability and we're in a position to have personal savings.

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MacaroniBaloney · 24/02/2022 17:31

It's not 'the household' though is it. It's you.

How many times are yiu going to clean up his mess? Only you can decide this.

But he's a fully functional adult who should be avle manage his finances but clearly cant. I'd have very little respect for that.

Merryoldgoat · 24/02/2022 17:32

How does he build savings if all his money goes into the pot?

This is bloody ridiculous.

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 17:47

@Merryoldgoat

How does he build savings if all his money goes into the pot?

This is bloody ridiculous.

He should be able to save some money from the £80. At least he'll have no debts to pay back, and nothing to pay from those £80.
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Gazelda · 24/02/2022 18:24

On reading your first post, I'm afraid I got the impression you are controlling him financially. Who on earth audits their partner's accounts?

And you seem to be the decision maker in terms of budget, expenditure etc.

He's contributing a fair percentage of his income compared to yours. And is 'allowed' c£50 per week to spend in whatever way he wants.

However, he is obviously not being open with you. Taking advantage of your Trust money and newly high earnings.

Another poster has mentioned more problems you have with him. None of which paint him an a very good light. And none of which I'd put up with.

Do you think it's time you did some clear thinking about your relationship? Is he meeting your needs? Is he good to you? Do you trust him? Do you respect him? Do you love each other? Do you want to continue monitoring his expenditure?

AchillesPoirot · 24/02/2022 18:29

If you have to be this controlling about money the relationship is dead.

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 18:41

I never wanted to get to this point, it's only after his dishonesty and lack of transparency over the years that we reached this point. I think even he'd never had mentioned keeping "his dignity as a man" we would have reached a more "adult" agreement. But that just definitely made me lose it.

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 24/02/2022 18:52

Does his income fluctuate month to month with overtime?

Why don't you ask him for his payslip, see what he actually earns, then he can set up an automated payment for salary-less-280 into the joint account. Then pay off the overdraft and he cancels his personal overdraft function so he can't spend what he doesn't have.

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 19:15

If over the years he would accepted to have a standing borders we wouldn't be where we are... He's refused and has always wanted to manually move that money on a weekly basis

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Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 25/02/2022 08:36

It's now been agreed that his salary will be deposited in the joint account. In his own words he's kind of a manchild (in money terms). In his previous marriage, he didn't even have a penny to himself (he's told me they couldn't afford steak, so I can only assume they really struggled).

Once out if that marriage he just wanted to enjoy his newfound freedom, and he saw his overdraft as the norm and even almost as savings.
He admitted to being inmature and living in his own bubble. He was aware that without/trust money (and with his tiny contributions) we wouldn't have been able to afford anything.

We're starting afresh, but now with complete transparency.

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longwayoff · 25/02/2022 09:32

£80 a month? Each? How wasteful. Next time you audit his spending make sure its not all going on haribo.

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 25/02/2022 09:35

@longwayoff

£80 a month? Each? How wasteful. Next time you audit his spending make sure its not all going on haribo.
Have you missed the whole thread? And what does £80 are supposed to be for? We're still in substantial debt and I've only received one paycheck (soon to be two) so far.

In the end I think I'm fairly gracious considering what I've had to subsidise (and my family) for the past 5 years.

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Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 25/02/2022 09:37

And £80 is a much better place to be than -£600

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Authenticcelestialmusic · 25/02/2022 11:32

Id still see a solicitor on the quiet and get advice on what assets he would get if you split up.

Snog · 25/02/2022 12:54

Congrats on having the difficult conversation OP.
This sounds like progress to me but how are you feeling about it now?

Original poster
Alwaysforgiving · 25/02/2022 16:35

I don't know it's a weird feeling because I don't know if will be the start of a new life or not. Also I don't think I had to call him.every name under the sun to get to this point...

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Snog · 25/02/2022 19:03

It seems to me as though you now have more honesty and transparency than you did and that therefore the relationship has moved forward in a positive way. Whether this is enough to save the relationship I guess will become apparent. Do you feel like you want to save the relationship?

It's not good if you feel like you are the only adult in the relationship- not saying this is how you feel more that maybe it might feel like that, I don't know...