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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it DH or me? (money matters)

198 replies

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 07:29

My DH and I have been together for 5 years. Over all this time there had been a real lack of transparency of what happens with his salary/money. He has children from a previous marriage. Throughout all of this year's, I've been the one paying most of the household bills. The percentage has varied through the years, but the best we ever got was about 60/40. I've always put all of my salary and my trust money in the joint account (big mistake) and he's always put in whatever he's been able to at the time. Also through the years, I've covered big expenses. I bought him a car (with my savings) and thanks to my savings and my family's help we've been able to get our mortgage for our first house and then for our current home. In the past, he's misused my credit card, and has lied about his personal finance situation (mainly being out of his overdraft). Over all of these years I've always wondered what does he actually does to his money and raised my concerns every now and then and things have improved but never to the full transparency that I would want. So we've reached a breaking point and I've told him the household would pay for his debts but he most close his current account, but he didn't want to close said account. I took his feedback and then suggested the household would pay for his overdraft, he keeps his joint account, we start getting paper statements (for transparency) and his salary gets paid to the joint account. I think considering everything I've done, and his constant lying for a year he still got a decent deal. To which he said that he didn't want that to happen because he wanted to pay CM from his account (as matter of dignity) and he'd transfer the rest. I said that didn't give me the transparency I wanted and I still had to rely on him transferring his salary. Then I lost it as I couldn't comprehend how he had the pizzazz to "voice his opinion" in a matter that quite frankly I've had enough. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 24/02/2022 09:44

Oh, sorry, I thought it was to cover all personal incidental expenses, coffees, lunches, clothes etc, but now see it's after all that.

femfemlicious · 24/02/2022 09:45

Why are you payibg for everything, why did you buy him a car?. Why why why why why?

OrganisedChaos22 · 24/02/2022 09:47

He could have wage paid in joint then transfer to his own account his cms for him to pay his ex.

This sort of thing niggles my mind. Maybe dh is old fashioned. But from the day he moved in. I was a line parent prior.
He paid everything. He knew id lose my tax credits housing benefit etc
As a household the income in theory was lower. But he still always made sure he paid everything and if there was only £100for example left after all outgoings, fuel food. He'd keep £20 and leave me the other £80 for me and ds. For spending on whatever. He always made sure I had the same amount of 'fun money' as I did when I was single.
To this day he's the same. Only ever had 1 blip when he over spent. And he sorted it the following week with overtime.

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 09:48

@BarbaraofSeville

Oh, sorry, I thought it was to cover all personal incidental expenses, coffees, lunches, clothes etc, but now see it's after all that.
Yeah, it's not the most generous of amounts but considering what it's for, seems enough to me (and to him for that matter).
OP posts:
Ttcfinalbub · 24/02/2022 09:49

I'm not having a dig but how on earth do you marry and live with someone without having a joint overlook on finances. Like I'm all for independence but he should say I earn x I pay xyz I will contribute xyz?
Is his job decent ?
Could he have a gambling issue he's trying to downplay?
Is there kids between you 2 ?

How many kids does he have ?
His ego is possibly dented in a way

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 09:51

Do you need the trust fund income? I don't know how that stands in divorce as it would depend on how it is set up - but I'd be seeing the accountant about it ASAP if there is a danger he would get half.

Forget the niceties of he's a good dad - he's not if he cannot pay for all of his children and be transparent enough with his earnings to his family.

I'd be quite hard now. All income is paid into the joint account OR you separate finances completely and look to divorce as clearly he is not being honest with you.
I'd accept he has his own account for transferring his cms and an agreed amount of personal spends. But I would not accept that account having any kind of overdraft as he cannot be trusted. I would also say any loan has to be agreed.

Tbh OP it sounds to me like he is taking you for a ride - shared house but no contribution.... do make sure your trust fund is secure and get rid.

MischievousBiscuits · 24/02/2022 09:52

No part of this is OK at all. For our deposit, I did most of the saving but we both lived on DH's wages. I wouldn't be a bit pleased doing all the financial heavy lifting and then him keeping his money to himself.

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 09:52

He needed a car back then. Couldn't go to work without one. That was also the time when his overdraft was completely out of control.

I don't resent or regret those decisions it's again that unwillingness to be transparent. I just keep wondering why? Why does it have to reach breaking point? Couldn't he see that he was always taking? (And not me) why couldn't he see that his comment about wanting to keep his account for CM purposes to keep some of his "dignity" was completely out of place?

OP posts:
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 09:54

I'd accept he has his own account for transferring his cms and an agreed amount of personal spends. But I would not accept that account having any kind of overdraft as he cannot be trusted. I would also say any loan has to be agreed. that's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 24/02/2022 09:55

If you earn £75k vs £25k you should be paying the vast majority of bills etc.

However it’s a perfectly reasonable request to have transparency and to want a proper budget etc.

£80 a month is a ridiculously small amount for personal spending with a £100k household income.

You both sound very odd about money to be honest.

babyjellyfish · 24/02/2022 09:56

I couldn't be married to someone who wasn't open with me about money.

Cocomarine · 24/02/2022 09:57

@Alwaysforgiving

He needed a car back then. Couldn't go to work without one. That was also the time when his overdraft was completely out of control.

I don't resent or regret those decisions it's again that unwillingness to be transparent. I just keep wondering why? Why does it have to reach breaking point? Couldn't he see that he was always taking? (And not me) why couldn't he see that his comment about wanting to keep his account for CM purposes to keep some of his "dignity" was completely out of place?

Because he’s basically an expensive pet. He can shit on your carpet because you love him anyway. Awwww - cos he’s such a good husband and father if you ignore this one massive thing 🤯
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 24/02/2022 09:57

He isn't a great dh.
Is he sending money to his ex for add ons to Cms?
You need to claw back some of your cash. Stash it under the mattress on your side.
I actually divorced my now exh for financial lying and deceit.
Raise YOUR bar op.

Merryoldgoat · 24/02/2022 10:00

Take home would be approximately £4300 vs £1800 (not accounting for pension etc.

So you have a pot of £6100 a month.

If your outgoings are, say, £4000 (quite high estimate) then I’d expect the remaining £2100 to be split between you which effectively means your DH should transfer £800 ish each month and that’s it.

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 10:01

When we met he was on 21-22k. Back then he'd only contribute with £600 (either every 4 weeks or pcm, can't remember). The first year it was a bit hit and miss, but toward the end of that year he'd regularly pay those £600. When we bought our house I think he was closer to £23-24k and then he increased it to £750 and by the end of that year was £900. Then it got to £1000, and it's just been this year that it's more like £1300 every 4 weeks (he gets paid weekly so it's confusing).

OP posts:
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 10:05

@Merryoldgoat

If you earn £75k vs £25k you should be paying the vast majority of bills etc.

However it’s a perfectly reasonable request to have transparency and to want a proper budget etc.

£80 a month is a ridiculously small amount for personal spending with a £100k household income.

You both sound very odd about money to be honest.

It does sound small, but not when you consider it's literally for presents... Everything else (and I mean everything!) Comes from the joint pot. Perfumes, coffees, clothes, grooming, hobbies etc.. all come from the joint pot
OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 24/02/2022 10:06

In that case he could just set up a standing order to send £x every week if it works better for him.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 24/02/2022 10:11

I really don’t understand why you went ahead and married him fairly recently before sorting this glaring and ongoing issue.

Anyway the marriage is done and if you divorce you will lose out massively and may end up solely responsible for joint debts. Family accounts shouldn’t subsidise his debt- that’s his responsibility. He needs to be transparent about his income and transfer everything to you from his salary minus child maintenance. Then you can both work out a reasonable about for household bills, his debt and a small amount for his leisure activities.

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 10:15

The truth is that I don't want him to transfer everything minus CM. I want his salary to be paid to the joint account and then redistribute accordingly. Otherwise it's too much effort and there could always be a possibility that he claws back some of it (even of a tiny amount).

OP posts:
Ttcfinalbub · 24/02/2022 10:19

If he's 25000 a year

Probably around 1700pm take home pay ?
For 2 children cm 300
For 3 children cm 350

Putting 1400 into joint pot?
If all that's correct then he can't really put anything more In.
It seems to me you're frustrated with fronting the big costs and expenses but I would assume its yourself that put you in that position. Take some of it back and tighten up on keeping some more of your own money imo

namechangedasexpected · 24/02/2022 10:20

We had something like this, he earned a tiny bit less than me but had no savings, was always in overdraft and credit card debt, and got angry and resentful if I tried to talk about money. I wanted to plan retirement but his debt would, at the time, wipe out all my savings and he was assuming we could both live on my tiny pension.

In the end I did the nuclear option- we sort or its over. Its not a marriage in my view if we are jointly responsible in law for debts but only one of us was adjusting our spending and making sacrifices to manage it.

We went to relate and he moaned about my controlling financial behavior and the nice counsellor didn't sympathize as he expected but asked what he was going to do about his money management problems . (eg work until he died- god I loved her)

He now has a pension, a budget, and a personal saving account. He stays in the black and is actually much much happier. He just paid for a new bit of expensive tech out of reaI money saved and felt very pleased with himself. I still keep all our joint savings and he can't access them but we discuss any spending and I am totally transparent showing him the accounts online. Its now all our money. It was very rough for a bit and I did a lot of angry arithmetic and budgeting for him that shocked him (putting everything into spreadsheets and showing year end totals for lines like 'lunch out' . And I took his credit card off him for a while ( he hated that). He doesn't miss all the ebay crap he used to buy and still doesn't really actually know where it all used to go.

Our marriage is much happier as we have lost the angry/resentful dynamic. He also now does more in the house as we applied this budget approach ( make a list of who is responsible for what) to other things. However I really would have left him if he had carried on. He is generally lovely but I had no intention of working the rest of my life and scrimping to pay off more of his stupid debts and was quite ready to cut my losses. I wish only i had done it sooner as we would have been much better off now and for retirement. Sorry its so long and I hope this inspires you to sort it out too

ikeepseeingit · 24/02/2022 10:21

I'm a bit confused by this comment as it seems to suggest that he's been putting in £1300 a month on 25k a year. To me, that seems fair as he has child maintenance to pay, doesn't he? Am I getting the wrong end of the stick? Don't blame you for wanting transparency, but from that, it sounds like he's putting most of his wage into the joint account now.

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 10:23

Because he gets paid weekly (and they have no sick pay so it varies widely when he's off), I never have any clue about his salary.

He only pays £200 CM, and he's paid at most about £1200 in 4 weeks.

During those 4 weeks, his actual salary would be closer to 1550, so what he does to those £150? And this is this year.... Last year he would only contribute with £1000, so what did he do with those £300?

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 24/02/2022 10:24

@Onlyrainbows

The excuses have always been around having too many standing borders / micro debts. No, I didn't ring fence it. I thought of doing it, but then he raised his concerns about "married couples sharing everything".
Name change fail?
Viviennemary · 24/02/2022 10:25

Set up a bank account for yourself and have your wages paid into that account. Work out half the contribution to household bills and trsnsfer that amount into the joint sccount. He needs to do the same. If he doesnt I would think about divorce.

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