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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it DH or me? (money matters)

198 replies

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 07:29

My DH and I have been together for 5 years. Over all this time there had been a real lack of transparency of what happens with his salary/money. He has children from a previous marriage. Throughout all of this year's, I've been the one paying most of the household bills. The percentage has varied through the years, but the best we ever got was about 60/40. I've always put all of my salary and my trust money in the joint account (big mistake) and he's always put in whatever he's been able to at the time. Also through the years, I've covered big expenses. I bought him a car (with my savings) and thanks to my savings and my family's help we've been able to get our mortgage for our first house and then for our current home. In the past, he's misused my credit card, and has lied about his personal finance situation (mainly being out of his overdraft). Over all of these years I've always wondered what does he actually does to his money and raised my concerns every now and then and things have improved but never to the full transparency that I would want. So we've reached a breaking point and I've told him the household would pay for his debts but he most close his current account, but he didn't want to close said account. I took his feedback and then suggested the household would pay for his overdraft, he keeps his joint account, we start getting paper statements (for transparency) and his salary gets paid to the joint account. I think considering everything I've done, and his constant lying for a year he still got a decent deal. To which he said that he didn't want that to happen because he wanted to pay CM from his account (as matter of dignity) and he'd transfer the rest. I said that didn't give me the transparency I wanted and I still had to rely on him transferring his salary. Then I lost it as I couldn't comprehend how he had the pizzazz to "voice his opinion" in a matter that quite frankly I've had enough. Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 10:25

@ikeepseeingit

I'm a bit confused by this comment as it seems to suggest that he's been putting in £1300 a month on 25k a year. To me, that seems fair as he has child maintenance to pay, doesn't he? Am I getting the wrong end of the stick? Don't blame you for wanting transparency, but from that, it sounds like he's putting most of his wage into the joint account now.
He puts in around £1200 on a 26k salary (and this is from.this January) after me getting mega annoyed with him.

Before that it was £1000, before that £900, and before that £600.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 24/02/2022 10:27

Being paid weekly isn’t “confusing”.
Because: maths.
It’s just an excuse 🤷🏻‍♀️

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 10:28

@Cocomarine I'm the one that find it confusing as I do all the budgets on a monthly basis.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 24/02/2022 10:31

[quote Alwaysforgiving]@Cocomarine I'm the one that find it confusing as I do all the budgets on a monthly basis.[/quote]
I didn’t say it was an excuse for him.
It’s an excuse for both of you.
You know you manage variable pay periods easily if you have transparency.

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 10:35

There is now consistency in his payments (as in he doesn't miss them). But he's kept enough of his salary to pay his debts BUT he hasn't (and lied about it).

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 24/02/2022 10:48

To which he said that he didn't want that to happen because he wanted to pay CM from his account (as matter of dignity) and he'd transfer the rest.

I call total Bull shit. Total. Utter. Bullshit.

He doesn't want to as he is hiding (and has been hiding) something from you.

The best scenario is he is totally feckless and profligate with money.
The most likely is it is gambling and or escorts and prostitutes.

£80 pm is a pittance given your incomes.

You need to wake up sharpish and get a handle of this.

You have sleepwalked into a very alarming

situation.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/02/2022 10:49

I've always put all of my salary and my trust money in the joint account (big mistake) and he's always put in whatever he's been able to at the time. Also through the years, I've covered big expenses. I bought him a car (with my savings) and thanks to my savings and my family's help we've been able to get our mortgage for our first house and then for our current home. In the past, he's misused my credit card, and has lied about his personal finance situation (mainly being out of his overdraft).

This isn't what a "great husband and father" looks like. It's what a chancer looks like. And he's bloody good at it by the sound of it. He's taken such huge advantage of you.

Why on earth did you feel you needed to do all of the above for a grown, working man?!

Totalwasteofpaper · 24/02/2022 10:50

He puts in around £1200 on a 26k salary (and this isfrom.thisJanuary) after me getting mega annoyed with him.

Before that it was £1000, before that £900, and before that £600.

Okay he makes 75k a year this amount is laughable. My DH makes significantly less and pays in 2k every month and puts 10% pm into his pension...

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 10:59

He's always at home... And next to me, so I don't think it's anything shady in that sense.

The £80 might look like a pittance, BUT considering what it should.cover, seems enough.. besides he says himself he's never had so much money to himself

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 24/02/2022 11:02

It's the OP who makes £75k pa, the DH earns £26k. But I'm now wondering about the numbers as he won't have a huge amount left after £1200 pm towards bills on £26k, although he can spend from the joint account?

Maybe it would be easier for him to send less to the joint account, but not touch it for his personal spending, he does this from the money he has left?

But the common aim should still be that you both have equal money for personal spends, and you stay out of debt, because there's absolutely no need on your income and interest is just money down the drain for nothing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/02/2022 11:06

Ah OP.

I just realised who you are from your name change fail - you and your husband have an unusual attitude towards money to say the least.

A relatively recent thread (about a money issue with your DH) descended into utter batshittery as posters were so shocked about it, in fact. And you told us:

He called my parents bastards/assholes and told me I was weird.

This relationship sounds really unhealthy and as people tried to point out on your previous thread, your joint approach to money is highly unusual and clearly not working.

Not sure what the answer is though tbh.

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 11:10

Yes, all of his personal bills (apart from CM which is £200) come from the joint account.

OP posts:
andweallsingalong · 24/02/2022 11:12

Now you've said his salary is 26k I think he's less unreasonable with what he is contributing. Depending on pension, etc his contribution to the joint pot, plus the £200 maintenance will be most of his money.

The biggest question is how on earth are you both getting through your £75k and only having £80 each left a month. That feels more feckless to me than him choosing to use his overdraft as spends (not something I agree with, but lots do).

Rather than either of you being unreasonable I think you're just financially incompatible.

Surely the choice is either split or separate finances. Ring-fence anything you purchase, like the house deposit, in future. Set a budget for essential bills and an agreed amount for joint savings and what they are for (holidays, unexpected bills, cars, etc). Then split contributions 1/4 : 3/4 to reflect your much higher income. Then manage your own finances as you each see fit. Maybe agree no more loans if that's a red line for you, but stop obsessing about whether or not he chooses to go into his overdraft.

If he accepts he is bad with money you could support him by asking if he wanted an additional joint savings account to put aside money for any unexpected costs he might have like car bills, etc.

BluebellsGreenbells · 24/02/2022 11:14

What is your families monthly outgoings?

DH warns way more than me, but he pays out way more. Plus savings.

I know I couldn’t ‘do’ money they way you’re doing it - you seem very controlling!

We have a joint account that pays the big bills.

I pay for my car insurance petrol tv license kids clothes driving lessons etc - out of my own account that I have control over.

I couldn’t live like you do!

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 11:14

What he currently contributes is new, it only started this January. (Which is the same for said joint income and I've only started my role).

The joint account has ALWAYS covered everything though, so the amount of money he's been keeping could be used to piss them away.

OP posts:
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 11:16

Our outgoings have always been around £3k (maybe more with the energy rises). I don't understand how I can be controlling when for the past two years, he's only paid 1/3 of our outgoings and he kept money to himself when I haven't and he's still managed to be in debt.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 24/02/2022 11:16

£300 spends a month is nothing for an adult - a quick lunch, petrol, toiletries, haircut all adds up.

I think you’re being mean.

BluebellsGreenbells · 24/02/2022 11:17

He’s paid 1/3 - he should be paying 1/4 or even a bit less minus the CM payment.

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 11:17

@BluebellsGreenbells

£300 spends a month is nothing for an adult - a quick lunch, petrol, toiletries, haircut all adds up.

I think you’re being mean.

What part isn't clear that that comes from the joint account??
OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 24/02/2022 11:18

Or £1,000 V £750

BluebellsGreenbells · 24/02/2022 11:18

Why are you so cross about it?

If my DH was that controlling I’d have a separate escape account.

SeasonFinale · 24/02/2022 11:19

So from your later posts you are only wondering what he does with say £100-200 which can easily be spent on lunches, coffees, your birthday present, your Christnas present.

I thought he wasn't paying just way. If bills are split 60/40 but you earn 75/25 then he is paying more proportionately than you do. And then he has child maintenance too to pay which reduces the remainder of his disposable income. So does it matter what he does with the small amount he does retain after overpaying bill share and his CM?

Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 11:22

@SeasonFinale

So from your later posts you are only wondering what he does with say £100-200 which can easily be spent on lunches, coffees, your birthday present, your Christnas present.

I thought he wasn't paying just way. If bills are split 60/40 but you earn 75/25 then he is paying more proportionately than you do. And then he has child maintenance too to pay which reduces the remainder of his disposable income. So does it matter what he does with the small amount he does retain after overpaying bill share and his CM?

Right, but of those only my presents come out from those £200 and he doesn't spend £2400 on me (plus £1k in debt). Plus the £80 that go back to his account.
OP posts:
Alwaysforgiving · 24/02/2022 11:23

I don't have those £3k in the bank, I put everything back to our household needs.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 24/02/2022 11:25

OP,

You insisted on marrying him 10 months ago even though you have no financial transparency.

You didn't protect you family's money.

You have had a child with an untrustworthy man.

He has shown you who he is but you insist on making really silly, unwise decisions and are surprised when he consistently makes a fool out of you.

Have a look at yourself and stop trying to fix him.

He has be very honest about his dishonesty, but you keep ploughing on with alignment with him.
🤷‍♀️

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