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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here, me or partner?

113 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 20:51

Bit of a back story - partner has form for putting his job first before anything else and not really considering that it's me left picking up the slack at home when he makes arrangements to do overtime etc that I don't know about... We've had a few disagreements about this in the past and he's agreed to always discuss any plans for extra shifts with me so I'm at least aware of when I'm alone with the baby.

Partner called me from work today to say he is extending a late shift next week (which is already a 7.30pm finish meaning he's home by 7.45pm) "by a couple of hours". We always discuss any changes to his shift pattern or overtime etc as we have a baby so I'd be left on my own with the baby if he's working a different pattern to normal. I said "ok" on the phone thinking this meant 9-9.30pm ish. He's just come home and informed me it's an 11pm finish, meaning home by 11.15pm. I expressed that I wasn't happy with this as it's an evening before work for me, and pre work evenings / work mornings are always stressful for me as I sort tea, bath baby, get all baby's things plus mine ready for the next day, settle baby for bed (a mammoth task as she doesn't sleep well), have a shower, make lunches for both myself and baby for the next day, clean the kitchen, etc. It really helps when I have a second pair of hands on those evenings. I (reluctantly) accepted 9.30pm finish, which is how he made it sound on the phone, but 11pm?! How is that "a couple of hours"?!

He says I'm being unfair as I "agreed to this on the phone". I say he wasn't clear on the phone (plus I was juggling baby at the time and trying to give her medicine etc...)

AIBU to think he wasn't clear and I didn't agree to this?!

OP posts:
MaizeAmaze · 23/02/2022 21:16

Do you need the money?

If yes, I'd say YABU. It's a busy evening, but not unachievable.

If you dont need the money, and he is purely doing it to help out work, YANBU.

But then I've regularly done a none sleeping baby with DH working away for a week, and then a none sleeping toddler, sleepingbaby and DH away for a week at a time, so perhaps I'm not the best to ask!

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 21:26

No we don't need the money desperately. He has other overtime shifts planned. It's just part of a wider pattern where he disregards how I feel when I'm left to manage everything at home. He's a workaholic - he puts it before everything. Hmm

OP posts:
Cakelover17 · 23/02/2022 21:30

Is it just one night that he’s working that late? And do you just have the one child?

BrilloSolar · 23/02/2022 21:51

What will you be doing on that evening between 9:30 and 11:15 when he's not there? Will the baby likely be up and fussing during that time or will it be the making lunch and cleaning the kitchen? (which doesn't NEED to be done). If the baby would be asleep by 9.30 anyway then I think you may be BU as what difference will it make, but if you're really struggling with a baby that will not settle all evening long (into the 11pm time) and you are up with baby all night breast feeding and DH can't take over after he's home from work, then you're going to work in the morning, then you maybe are not BU

BrilloSolar · 23/02/2022 21:52

Don't know how I make it sound like the baby will be making lunch there but hopefully you know what I mean!

FairyCakeWings · 23/02/2022 21:59

Cut yourself some slack on that evening, and just don’t do some of the jobs. Drop the jobs that affect him the most first. Have a convenience food for dinner and leave him to sort his own. Leave the kitchen messy, it doesn’t matter.

UnderTheSea20k · 23/02/2022 22:06

TBH it sounds like you could do with dropping your standards a bit when it comes to exactly how tasks get done, it's not the end of the world if the kitchen doesn't get cleaned on the set day. It sounds like you are someone who really needs specific routines to be followed and don't like reacting to changes? Why specifically is this much extra work needed the night before you work?

WTF475878237NC · 23/02/2022 22:18

Is he avoiding home life? When you say workaholic is he always like this or just since baby came?

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 22:33

@Cakelover17

Is it just one night that he’s working that late? And do you just have the one child?

Yes just the one child. And yes it's a one off 11pm finish, but he has many 7.45pm finishes which still leave me doing most of the stuff that needs doing on an evening (tea, bathing baby, settling baby etc). He can do overtime on other days that have no effect on the stress of my day / evening, he doesn't have to specifically do these hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 22:34

Baby is likely to be fussing and waking on and off until 10pm ish, sometimes a little later. We usually take in turns to go in and try to settle her while the other does whatever else needs doing (showers, dishwasher, lunches making for next day etc).

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 22:36

I suppose I could drop the cleaning of the kitchen but things like the baby's bottles will need sorting as a minimum. Lunches have to be made on the evening as I leave for work early so no time to sort in the morning. My commute is an hour and I also do the drop off at childcare so my mornings are more hectic and require more preparation than his anyway (his commute is 15 mins and no drop off).

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 22:39

@WTF475878237NC

Is he avoiding home life? When you say workaholic is he always like this or just since baby came?

I'm not sure if he's avoiding home life. Possibly, hadn't thought of it like that.

He's always been this way though, way before I was with him. He was in the military for many years and was essentially conditioned to be "married" to his job. He's no longer in that job but he still has a similar work ethic.

OP posts:
Cakelover17 · 23/02/2022 22:42

If he’s finishing work at 11pm then he won’t be back in before say 10am the next day anyway so why can’t he do drop off?

From your initial post I assumed you were on maternity leave, but still I don’t think ‘being alone with baby’ is something that should stop him from being able to do a one off late shift, I appreciate babies are a lot of work but it’s still more than manageable, just adjust what you do to make it easier. And make it clear he’s picking up the slack somewhere else

PainterMummy · 23/02/2022 22:47

Really very sorry op but really? He’s working. It’s not a regular thing. What you’re complaining about to many is regular life. I couldn’t believe when I was reading that you’d be left alone with the baby.

Are there reasons you feel you can’t be left alone with your baby? Can you not put the baby down while you make lunch? How king dies it take you to make lunch? Could you perhaps make lunches in batches? For example, two days worth of lunches in one night? If it is just you and baby (as husband is at work) how much is involved in cleaning the kitchen?

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 22:47

@Cakelover17

He's back in the next day at 6.30am so he wouldn't be doing drop off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 22:51

@PainterMummy

I didn't say I feel I can't be left alone with my baby, did I. Fucking hell I'd have been screwed on the very very many 12/13 hour shifts he's done since she was born if I felt like that!

It's specifically the evening before a working day for me as there is a lot going on on those evenings, that I really could do with the extra pair of hands. I was OK with 9/9.30pm. 11pm is a piss take and not necessary money wise.

Maybe he is avoiding being home ... I'm now wondering after a poster suggested that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 22:52

And the main issue really is that he is claiming I "agreed" to an 11pm finish on the phone, which I categorically did not.

OP posts:
FantasticFebruary · 23/02/2022 22:56

@BrilloSolar

Don't know how I make it sound like the baby will be making lunch there but hopefully you know what I mean!
Your post made me laugh. But I knew what you meant!
Awrite · 23/02/2022 22:56

Sounds like you are doing'the lion's share of the parenting, housework (I'm guessing) and you also work full time?

Yeah, YANBU.

Don't know what to suggest. I've always expected 50/50 from my dh. A bit of give and take over the years of course

My only piece of advice would be - don't have a second child with this man. He's quite clever really. He's shirking but can't be accused of shirking as he's working. Sneaky.

FantasticFebruary · 23/02/2022 22:57

@FairyCakeWings

Cut yourself some slack on that evening, and just don’t do some of the jobs. Drop the jobs that affect him the most first. Have a convenience food for dinner and leave him to sort his own. Leave the kitchen messy, it doesn’t matter.
Punish him for doing overtime, which brings money into the house and even more importantly probably job stability too. Weird attitude.
DelphiniumBlue · 23/02/2022 23:00

He should run it past you first, but I suspect in his mind he did.
It sounds as if you are working the next day, but not the day that he is working late.
If that is the case, then you could do things like the lunches and pack the baby's bag etc during the day. The tasks you mention are all fairly run-of-the -mill, and ones that a lot of people do every day, after a days work themselves.
The issue is more that he is assuming you will pick up the slack. You are not married, and so if you split up you won't be entitled to anything very much. What happens to the extra money he earns doing overtime while you look after the baby? Is it split between you equally? Have you cut down your hours ( and earning capacity) to enable him to work?
I'd suggest you start doing some evening work yourself, and let him deal with the baby and the preparation himself.

StyleDesperation · 23/02/2022 23:00

I don't think YABU. There are other things that need doing in life aside from paid work (and in this case extra paid work) and this is especially true when you also have a baby/children. It sounds as though you are no longer on maternity leave/a SAHM so why are the evenings and mornings mainly your responsibility? What would he have done if you'd said no to the overtime completely? Done it anyway? Not done it but been irritated? If you had a job that offered overtime would he be happy to come home and deal with the evenings chores etc so that you could earn extra money?

It's all very well for people to say "it's only one baby, the kitchen doesn't need cleaning" but it's not your job to facilitate him only needing to think about his own work life when you have a shared home life.

It seems to be that women are often expected to take on all the responsibilities of mothering and wifework (often while having their own job outside the home) so that their husbands can carry on their very important jobs without being inconvenienced.

Maybe you could say to him that as he's decided to take on this extra work that when he comes back he needs to make lunch for you and the baby for the next day before he goes to bed so that is one less job you'll need to do.

FantasticFebruary · 23/02/2022 23:01

@Cakelover17

And make it clear he’s picking up the slack somewhere else

seriously he's doing overtime, not getting legless down the pub!

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 23:01

Will the baby likely be up and fussing during that time or will it be the making lunch and cleaning the kitchen?

😂 I love this. I wish I could train her to clean the kitchen.....

OP posts:
AnnesBrokenSlate · 23/02/2022 23:02

I think if the main issue is whether you agreed to it or not, then that's a non-issue. If someone said to me they'd be a couple of hours later, I'd assume anything between two to four hours. Although the definition of a couple is 'two', if it was going to be two then people use the number. 'Couple' has a flexibility to it. On that basis, I think you did agree.

On the wider issue, then I think you need to sit down and clearly mark in each other's calendars when OT isn't an option. I do think you need to consider whether the extra convenience of another pair of hands is worth the financial drop in his OT salary eg would you pay that amount of money for childcare for those few hours?