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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here, me or partner?

113 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 20:51

Bit of a back story - partner has form for putting his job first before anything else and not really considering that it's me left picking up the slack at home when he makes arrangements to do overtime etc that I don't know about... We've had a few disagreements about this in the past and he's agreed to always discuss any plans for extra shifts with me so I'm at least aware of when I'm alone with the baby.

Partner called me from work today to say he is extending a late shift next week (which is already a 7.30pm finish meaning he's home by 7.45pm) "by a couple of hours". We always discuss any changes to his shift pattern or overtime etc as we have a baby so I'd be left on my own with the baby if he's working a different pattern to normal. I said "ok" on the phone thinking this meant 9-9.30pm ish. He's just come home and informed me it's an 11pm finish, meaning home by 11.15pm. I expressed that I wasn't happy with this as it's an evening before work for me, and pre work evenings / work mornings are always stressful for me as I sort tea, bath baby, get all baby's things plus mine ready for the next day, settle baby for bed (a mammoth task as she doesn't sleep well), have a shower, make lunches for both myself and baby for the next day, clean the kitchen, etc. It really helps when I have a second pair of hands on those evenings. I (reluctantly) accepted 9.30pm finish, which is how he made it sound on the phone, but 11pm?! How is that "a couple of hours"?!

He says I'm being unfair as I "agreed to this on the phone". I say he wasn't clear on the phone (plus I was juggling baby at the time and trying to give her medicine etc...)

AIBU to think he wasn't clear and I didn't agree to this?!

OP posts:
Charley50 · 24/02/2022 07:00

@Sofiegiraffe

It's hard to appreciate unless you know him but as I've already said, he's someone who is borderline obsessed with his work and his colleagues. When he's home he's frequently on his work group chat anyway. Hmm
As is mine! Does he understand the need to be emotionally 'present' when he's at home? It's feels insulting and hurtful when they're with colleagues all day, then continue to be with them on WhatsApp when they're home.
Wowwe · 24/02/2022 07:01

It’s one baby ffs and not like he’s out partying , he’s working!

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 07:02

@Cakelover17

I knew who he was yes, but I didn't know him as a parent. He was so completely on board with wanting this baby together when we planned to conceive and when I was pregnant etc. How was I to know we'd be essentially second to his job 10 months in? I took in good faith that he wanted a family as much as I did.

OP posts:
FantasticFebruary · 24/02/2022 07:03

@Dibbydoos

Also, talk about him dropping baby off when you've got to get to work

Not many nurseries open before 6:30 in the morning.

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 07:05

@Wowwe

It’s one baby ffs and not like he’s out partying , he’s working!
You're missing the point.

I don't care if it's one baby or 26 babies.

I'm not a single parent, my baby has a father, yet where the fuck is he most of the time?! At work. Do we desperately need all that extra money? No. The planned overtime shifts are plenty. So why the extra?!

Why would my baby's father prefer to be at work than at home?

OP posts:
Velvian · 24/02/2022 07:05

I don't agree that work trumps all else. It is just not an option for a mum to pick up extra hours whenever she feels like it.

I think he needs to reevaluate work generally now that he is a parent. He can't leave his share of parenting and housework to you.

I'm surprised at how many people are telling you it is work, so you should put up with it. It would not be what I want in a partner.

KatherineJaneway · 24/02/2022 07:11

You did agree to it. It's just he phrased it in a way that made you think that it would be about 2 hours not 4 so you'd agree.

DorsVenabili · 24/02/2022 07:13

What tasks do you do between 9.30 and 11- eg what difference does his being home later than 9.30 make in practical terms - if he was home would he make the lunches, clean the kitchen?
However It is irrelevant to a degree whether every other poster thinks you can suck it up - if its making you unhappy - you need to find a way to sort it.

I think you have to chalk this one up to bad communication and then sit down and work out what you want/need going forward. Do you want your partner to commit to 3 evenings where he is home before say 7pm - or maybe 2 before 7 one before 9 and stick to that? or agree to do the drop off a couple of times a week and make lunch?
At the moment he is just able to do additional work whenever he wants - its normal - i worked in a big organisations and the fathers felt they had total flexibility to work late as their wife would pick up the slack and they just used it. Where they had set days when they were picking up from the nursery etc they were able to do it.

Charley50 · 24/02/2022 07:19

I think you need a long conversation with him about priorities. If he has to do overtime, it should benefit you as a family financially, so he should put it into a joint bank account for holiday / house improvements, nursery fees etc. He needs to really understand the impact on you and your feelings for him. An honest conversation with a practical outcome could bring you closer, and will benefit you all as a family. That should be what he wants too, really.

Re: contacting colleagues outside of work. My manager has given none of us his mobile phone number. His work and home life are completely apart. I massively respect that. Myself and colleagues contact each other outside of work occasionally, but not this constant stream, which is what my partner had, which created a lot of emotional distance between us.

Skyeheather · 24/02/2022 07:36

YABU - Order a takeaway, make double lunches the day before, the kitchen doesn't need cleaning every day - he's working and bringing money into your home not going on a night out with his mates. Plenty of women cope with more than one child on their own, you have one baby.

Sparkletastic · 24/02/2022 07:46

I think he needs to stick to planned and pre-agreed overtime only. It's concerning that he thinks he has to accept even more than that rather than prioritise his young family. I would question whether he's even trying to refuse.

Billandben444 · 24/02/2022 07:50

I totally understand you OP but don't forget this is MN where lots don't. It sounds as though this one night is a done deal and, if it were me, I'd be wanting a proper sit-down conversation about how he fits into family life and where he thinks his parental contributions start and end. As a committed father (?), he must share the responsibility for chores/stress/baby and he needs to up his game in this relationship. Perhaps he knew you'd be pissed off which is why he was vague/lied on the phone and then turned it back on you? Not acceptable.

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 07:58

I can see where you are coming from OP. Especially as his work is affecting your job if you cannot ever do anything extra because of baby/his lack of ability to pick up.

Maybe when you put the shifts on the calendar each month you should also block out time where he cannot do overtime (the evenings before you work if need be?) and maybe if possible make him responsible for pick up 1-2 days a month - so days where you work that he isn't if need be so that you can also have that freedom at work.

I'd also have a discussion about the proceeds of this overtime if it is you picking up the slack. I'd be wanting an extra contribution to the household pot from each extra shift- that way you all benefit.

PeacefulPrune · 24/02/2022 07:58

He should have just said "sorry I should have been clearer next time I will say the actual time rather than be vague."

Sweettruelies · 24/02/2022 08:01

Use the extra money for a cleaner and buying lunches

Ttcfinalbub · 24/02/2022 08:06

To me it also sounds like the change of routine and amount on the list to do that's overwhelming you.

But the to do list is actually pretty standard living and fly through once you get cracked on, juggling it about to make lunches and get clothes prepped before baby settles.

Do you all financially benefit from the over time?

Are you full or part time?

It sounds like you knew he was a workaholic before baby now baby is here you both need to find something acceptable before you start resenting each other for it.

I wouldn't over think the avoiding home bit if it's never occurred to you before.

lovenotwar149 · 24/02/2022 08:10

I dont know if you are being unreasonable, but I am certain I would have felt the same as you. My kids are all over 22 now but when my hubby had late work commitments and wasn't around to help with nome life etc I found it very difficult particularly when they were very young. I understand :)

Thatsplentyjack · 24/02/2022 08:11

My bisque with this would be that YOU don't benifit financially from these extra hours. I would be pissed off being left yo do everything at home myself if it was of no benefit to me.

BurntO · 24/02/2022 08:14

YABU. I can’t see why it would take more than an hour to do all that once baby is in bed. He’s working and given you the heads up as you asked.

nopenottodaysatan · 24/02/2022 08:37

This is the problem with MN, so many ppl dont bother reading the full thread Hmm

Its quite clear, and what probably hurts you the most op, is that your husband would rather be at work than home.

Its incredibly shit when you have planned a baby and discussed the details of childcare and its all agreed upon and apparently much wanted for then surprise surprise the man fucks off out the house for 18 hrs a day leaving all the wife work and childcare to the woman. Im not sure what the answer for you here is, il be surprised if he changes tbh, work is his priority.....if you stay then you'l keep doing the majority and be resentful, if you leave then you'l still be doing the majority but may at least not have as much resentment 🤷‍♀️

Passporttu · 24/02/2022 08:37

Hate to say it, but perhaps it's you he doesn't want to spend time with. Judging by your comments, you appear like you're at the end of your tether, massively defensive and just ready to argue. Maybe he's not happy?

RavenclawsRoar · 24/02/2022 08:40

Yanbu. I totally understand what you're saying op - it's not about how to get everything done, it's the fact that op is having to do it all, all the time and being made to feel as though she and the baby are not a priority. I get it. And I think it is hurtful. I don't know how you can get your point across really OP, but just wanted to say I understand despite many posters spectacularly missing the point!

PushingAnElephantUpTheStairs · 24/02/2022 08:44

There are lots of people on this thread with astonishing priorities.

I don't think YABU OP. You don't need the money, you work and are also doing the lions share of the running of the house. Not only that you are stuck in that house with the baby at that time of night until your DP comes home.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to take part in running the household over unneccessary work. His job doesn't trump other things and doing extra, and ignoring his other committments, is not heroism or dedication. It's misguided.

Savvysix1984 · 24/02/2022 08:51

Yanbu. If you needed the money as a family then I could see his reasoning. He doesn't sound very supportive of your work and the amount that you do.

JodyAteApples · 24/02/2022 08:53

I completely get where you are coming from. The worst day for him to do the non-scheduled overtime is the night before you are in work plus the extra lateness is of no use to you when he comes in.

As he is happy to leave you do to everything on the evening and will be returning home at almost midnight he will still be wide awake so he can make you and his child lunches for the following day and complete any kitchen duties that didn't get done.

Has he ever been left to settle his child on an evening without you being there to tag team? Maybe you should arrange a night away and he can do it single handed.

As for all the single parents do this all the time comments of course they do however, if you had a child with a person who lives with you who often delegated the hardest part of the day which is settling a baby down for the night I think you too would be completely pissed off.

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