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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here, me or partner?

113 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 20:51

Bit of a back story - partner has form for putting his job first before anything else and not really considering that it's me left picking up the slack at home when he makes arrangements to do overtime etc that I don't know about... We've had a few disagreements about this in the past and he's agreed to always discuss any plans for extra shifts with me so I'm at least aware of when I'm alone with the baby.

Partner called me from work today to say he is extending a late shift next week (which is already a 7.30pm finish meaning he's home by 7.45pm) "by a couple of hours". We always discuss any changes to his shift pattern or overtime etc as we have a baby so I'd be left on my own with the baby if he's working a different pattern to normal. I said "ok" on the phone thinking this meant 9-9.30pm ish. He's just come home and informed me it's an 11pm finish, meaning home by 11.15pm. I expressed that I wasn't happy with this as it's an evening before work for me, and pre work evenings / work mornings are always stressful for me as I sort tea, bath baby, get all baby's things plus mine ready for the next day, settle baby for bed (a mammoth task as she doesn't sleep well), have a shower, make lunches for both myself and baby for the next day, clean the kitchen, etc. It really helps when I have a second pair of hands on those evenings. I (reluctantly) accepted 9.30pm finish, which is how he made it sound on the phone, but 11pm?! How is that "a couple of hours"?!

He says I'm being unfair as I "agreed to this on the phone". I say he wasn't clear on the phone (plus I was juggling baby at the time and trying to give her medicine etc...)

AIBU to think he wasn't clear and I didn't agree to this?!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2022 23:03

I think the main issue is him regularly working a 7.45pm finish when he doesn’t necessarily have to.

There’s no big difference to you once the baby is asleep between 9.30 and 11.30. But that’s not the point - as you say the real point is that you feel he’s married to the job not putting his family responsibilities first. It feels like a lack of care, and you’re reacting to that.

Time for a calm talk after this late shift is over about things in general.

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 23:03

@FantasticFebruary

Did you read the part where I said it's not strictly necessary overtime, because he already has plenty of overtime shifts booked? Those few hours make a negligible difference to our finances for the month, but a huge difference to my stress levels and home life running smoothly. That's the point.

OP posts:

andysgirl22 · 23/02/2022 23:04

Op i think you are upset as you feel sort of jipped if that makes sense?! You did not agree to an 11pm finish on the phone he is making out you did. You do not feel he is putting your needs/ feelings first, he has been asked by work and agreed, you are not desperate for the money so you feel that he is a jipper as he is not putting you first but something else and being kinda twisty with the truth of what exactly happened. I so understand that feeling but i do not think he means to disrespect you or make you feel this way. Sorry this post is no help but i understand the frustration of feeling a partner is not only not putting you first but also is seeming to put something else first before you.not pleasant. Also i think you feel he is not validating your need for an extra pair of hands around etc. More help and support on deck so to speak. I get totally just

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2022 23:05

You are not married, and so if you split up you won't be entitled to anything very much. What happens to the extra money he earns doing overtime while you look after the baby? Is it split between you equally? Have you cut down your hours ( and earning capacity) to enable him to work?

Good points to consider carefully.

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 23:05

@StyleDesperation

You totally get it.

OP posts:

FantasticFebruary · 23/02/2022 23:05

@StyleDesperation

FMD he's at work & going back to work for 6:30 in the morning, yet you think he should come home & make OP & the baby's lunch for the next day, when she's been home all day?!

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 23:06

It sounds as though you are no longer on maternity leave/a SAHM so why are the evenings and mornings mainly your responsibility?

Good question.

OP posts:

NYnewstart · 23/02/2022 23:06

As a one off, Yabu, if it’s part of a wider pattern where he’s doing it deliberately because it’s easier for him, yanbu.

It depends on his motives.

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2022 23:07

[quote FantasticFebruary]@StyleDesperation

FMD he's at work & going back to work for 6:30 in the morning, yet you think he should come home & make OP & the baby's lunch for the next day, when she's been home all day?![/quote]
I thought this was pretty fair, TBH. I’d be getting him to do this regularly, 7.45 or 9.30 or 11.30, frankly. And the baby bottles.

StyleDesperation · 23/02/2022 23:08

@FantasticFebruary I don't believe that a man's only worth to his family is his income so if OP says they are financially secure and that she would like him to me more available for other parts of their life she is being fair and reasonable. If nothing else, perhaps she would like to spend time with him?

Louisianagumbo · 23/02/2022 23:09

How many days do you work?

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 23:09

@Louisianagumbo

How many days do you work?

OP posts:

FantasticFebruary · 23/02/2022 23:11

@Sofiegiraffe

You did agree to him working overtime, if the time he finished was important you should have clarified what you were agreeing to!

Many millions of parents work full time & make dinner/bath the baby(&children) , do bedtime, prep for the next day etc. and do a bunch of school work, running kids to clubs, their own clubs/volunteering etc Just one small baby really isn't a big deal.

If it overwhelms you, you really should go & see your GP (possible PND).

Do you share finances? If you do then you surely benefit from his overtime pay and job stability?! If you don't share finances, then there's a discussion to be had there.

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/02/2022 23:11

YABU for the amount of times you’ve said baby in your OP.

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 23:12

@FawnFrenchieMum

YABU for the amount of times you’ve said baby in your OP.

🙄

OP posts:

Doodar · 23/02/2022 23:12

he's avoiding all the boring stuff at home, lots of men do it, they miss the whole evening routine.

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 23:17

@FantasticFebruary

I did say I was distracted giving the baby medicine (wrestling with her) when he called. I had him on loudspeaker while I was sorting her out and he said he'd been asked about extending a particular late shift by "a couple hours". Yes ok, perhaps I should have said "what time will you be finishing?" but I was a little preoccupied. He didn't mention a finish time though, either. Then to later say "you agreed to it on the phone" when I wasn't aware of the finish time, just isn't true.

I don't think feeling overwhelmed with juggling work and a baby equals a diagnosis of PND. I think many parents often feel this way especially with babies who don't settle / sleep well. I don't think wanting my partner home before 11pm to lend a hand means I have a mental health problem.

OP posts:

SC215 · 23/02/2022 23:18

OP please don't listen to anything FantasticFebruary has said.

You are not the default parent.

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 23:19

@Doodar

he's avoiding all the boring stuff at home, lots of men do it, they miss the whole evening routine.

It's very convenient for them isn't it .....

OP posts:

SC215 · 23/02/2022 23:22

I would tell him that you need a shared calendar, you can get apps that do it, so that he can put his shifts in and you can see what he's working qnd what time he will be home.

Do you share finances/have access to his extra overtime money? Or is he making extra cash for himself to spend how he likes while you pick up the slack at home?

Namechange12312 · 23/02/2022 23:23

Sounds like you had crossed wires and you have maybe overreacted a little. He’s working, not at the pub. Sure it’s hard work preparing for the next day alone but how long does it really take to make lunch? Leave the kitchen for one evening. He has given you plenty of notice so could you prep throughout the day? Personally I would let this one slide then when you’re feeling calmer sit him down and have a conversation about which days you would like him to be home ‘on time’ to help. I don’t mean to be rude but I am often on my own with 3 children under 8 (and have been since they were babies) and managed to get all of that done well before 11pm.

peachy3 · 23/02/2022 23:23

I don’t think YABU, maybe asking him what time he would’ve been finishing would have helped but then at the same time he could have told you that without you having to ask so I suppose that’s a 50/50 miscommunication. It’s not unreasonable to want him, the other parent to your child, to be there to help. Not only that but to also be there to spend the evening as a family. If it’s not necessary overtime and he just enjoys being at work then I’d honestly be a little offended and quite irritated too. You’re not your daughters only parent, you both are and you both have jobs, his should never take priority over yours so the workload of home life should be as equal as possible.

LightSpeeds · 23/02/2022 23:26

You say he's always been like this and was conditioned to be married to his job... Well, nothing has changed. He's still putting his job first and I'm sorry that you've chosen this man to have a child with as he doesn't seem very invested in family life. You probably need to have a very serious think about how you want the future to look and what compromise is possible with him.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2022 23:27

Some men work overtime to give their family the best finances they can.

Some men 'work' overtime to avoid home life.

I've included the first sentence as apparently they exist. Not my personal experience.

I remember when I started work in an office in my twenties needing to stay late one night, to finish something. By about 7pm all the bosses had gone and a group of middle aged blokes were drinking coffee and messing around in our lunch type area. I didn't think much of it at the time other than 'why don't they go home?' Once I'd had kids, I knew why. They all came back down at about 8pm, and fired off a few emails. One was promoted, I presume due to all the hours he put in, as in - the hours he was physically present in the office. Grr.

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2022 23:27

Wow, women supporting women, eh?

Those millions of parents all started out with just the one small baby. Then they worked their way up to coping with extra babies, kids at school & activities etc.

Don’t be an arse unless you absolutely can’t help it.

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