Who is in the wrong here, me or partner?

[Sofiegiraffe]

Bit of a back story - partner has form for putting his job first before anything else and not really considering that it's me left picking up the slack at home when he makes arrangements to do overtime etc that I don't know about... We've had a few disagreements about this in the past and he's agreed to always discuss any plans for extra shifts with me so I'm at least aware of when I'm alone with the baby.

Partner called me from work today to say he is extending a late shift next week (which is already a 7.30pm finish meaning he's home by 7.45pm) "by a couple of hours". We always discuss any changes to his shift pattern or overtime etc as we have a baby so I'd be left on my own with the baby if he's working a different pattern to normal. I said "ok" on the phone thinking this meant 9-9.30pm ish. He's just come home and informed me it's an 11pm finish, meaning home by 11.15pm. I expressed that I wasn't happy with this as it's an evening before work for me, and pre work evenings / work mornings are always stressful for me as I sort tea, bath baby, get all baby's things plus mine ready for the next day, settle baby for bed (a mammoth task as she doesn't sleep well), have a shower, make lunches for both myself and baby for the next day, clean the kitchen, etc. It really helps when I have a second pair of hands on those evenings. I (reluctantly) accepted 9.30pm finish, which is how he made it sound on the phone, but 11pm?! How is that "a couple of hours"?!

He says I'm being unfair as I "agreed to this on the phone". I say he wasn't clear on the phone (plus I was juggling baby at the time and trying to give her medicine etc...)

AIBU to think he wasn't clear and I didn't agree to this?!

I would sit him down and rewrite the calendar so he has 'shifts at home' that are not negotiable , except he can have extra ones. When he's on a home shift he doesn't get to be on his work app, he needs to be present, participating and aware of what needs doing and you as a person.
Failing I would ask for some family therapy so you can hear how he sees family in his head. He sounds terrifyingly institutionalised.

God help you if you was a single parent, that would be your life every day.

What an utterly pointless comment. There’s no need for that because it’s not her current situation. Good grief. The “be grateful” tone is ridiculous.

She has a partner who should be having consideration for her and their baby. A few hours is not four hours and he knew she had to work the next day.

He needs to pitch in way more than he is. Does he ever do drop-offs? Get the baby ready to go out, etc? Do you ever get time away from the baby that doesn’t involve work? Could he take care of the baby without you?

If you two did split or if something happened to you, he would have to be more available than he is.

Hard nope from me. Not cool.

What's his job btw?

Surely it's much more pertinent to say God help him if he was a single parent.

@OnaBegonia I know about working time directive exemptions I'm thinking more about safe practice rules. These cover time between shifts especially if he's working heavy machinery etc as far as I'm aware there's no exemptions for that as they're for safety reasons

Do I always know the exact amount he's paid and what's left in terms of disposable income? Not really...

That's problematic

Both in terms of whether he's being fair financially and...something I was wondering yesterday are you definitely sure he IS at work?

I know op wasn't thinking this way but I was remembering my ex suddenly "working late" when actually he was shaving ow (on work premises!)

Or he could simply be hiding at pub or similar

No, I suppose I can't be sure he's at work. I just take his word for it.

That's a problem I think, in your shoes I'd be contacting when he's supposedly at work see if he really is

@Neenawneenaw76 I see I'm not the only one

I was FT before the baby yes.

Why have you gone part time now? Generally not a good idea especially when not married

God help you if you was a single parent, that would be your life every day.

Not really because as a single parent she wouldn't also have to be working around his needs and I suspect as is likely doing chores and mental load that benefit him

And she's not a single mum they planned and has this child together he should be pulling his weight at home

I raised dd as a single mum and ex was army and was deployed when dd was a baby and I still get where op is coming from

When he's home he's frequently on his work group chat anyway.

Is this also a recent development ?

I totally agree that the money he makes from this overtime - that you are enabling insofar as he couldn't do it if you weren't caring for baby - should benefit the whole family

When home if he has time and energy to prat about on WhatsApp he has the time and energy to put a laundry on, do the dishes, bath the baby...

If you two did split or if something happened to you, he would have to be more available than he is.

Unfortunately not, many many men in this country completely abandon their children after a split nothing to stop them

OP,

I feel very sorry for you.

Your other child is nearly an adult and you have gone right back to the baby stage for a man that clear as day is avoiding sharing the load.

You have been sold a pup.

God help you.

His priority was always work and now it's a fine excuse.

It seems very strange that he would be doing such tight back to back shifts.

I think you need to protect yourself as best you can.

It is surprising how often we have posters have babies with other teenage children, for new partners and find out that actually their new partner isn't that bothered after all.

It gives me the absolute horrors to read, going back to that stage and finding out the partner is a selfish, avoidant father.

Get back to work FT if you can and protect yourself as best you can.

[quote Sofiegiraffe]@Cakelover17

He's back in the next day at 6.30am so he wouldn't be doing drop off. [/quote]
There's a reason why there is a legal entitlement to 11 hours off between shifts...

I don't think the amount of tasks you need to do between the hours of 9.30 and 11 is overly relevant to your post. You aren't working that day so you've got all day to sort lunches for the next day, clean the kitchen etc.

The big issue is however the fact that he doesn't seem to have much interest in being a dad and that's what needs addressing.

It’s part of a bigger needed conversation. He’s treating you as default parent assuming you’ll do childcare each evening, drop off and picks up etc. You are facilitating him earning. You aren’t married I assume (say partner). You both chip in to joint account but surplus monies and increased pension etc are his alone. You split in future years. You’ve stayed working in x job with limited earnings to accommodate child, he’s leaving with thousands in savings (overtime from when you were babysitting) and a big pension you have no right to.
You call him a partner but you are effectively a single parent. If you split and had 50/50 then he couldn’t work as he is working.
It’s clear you can’t go on. It’s not one night 2 hours it’s the bigger picture.

I know op wasn't thinking this way but I was remembering my ex suddenly "working late" when actually he was shaving ow (on work premises!)
@Graphista that is a very weird kink and you're much better off out of it!

@TracyMosby (clever username) haha oops yea Typo

That should have said SHAGGING ow though in all honesty I dunno what they're into

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about. My head is a bit frazzled with it all 🤯

I’m not surprised op. When is he next off work? Maybe go out and leave them to it have a bit of space to think. Plus it gives him a little taste of doing what you do. Don’t prep stuff and come back in after bedtime.