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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here, me or partner?

113 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 20:51

Bit of a back story - partner has form for putting his job first before anything else and not really considering that it's me left picking up the slack at home when he makes arrangements to do overtime etc that I don't know about... We've had a few disagreements about this in the past and he's agreed to always discuss any plans for extra shifts with me so I'm at least aware of when I'm alone with the baby.

Partner called me from work today to say he is extending a late shift next week (which is already a 7.30pm finish meaning he's home by 7.45pm) "by a couple of hours". We always discuss any changes to his shift pattern or overtime etc as we have a baby so I'd be left on my own with the baby if he's working a different pattern to normal. I said "ok" on the phone thinking this meant 9-9.30pm ish. He's just come home and informed me it's an 11pm finish, meaning home by 11.15pm. I expressed that I wasn't happy with this as it's an evening before work for me, and pre work evenings / work mornings are always stressful for me as I sort tea, bath baby, get all baby's things plus mine ready for the next day, settle baby for bed (a mammoth task as she doesn't sleep well), have a shower, make lunches for both myself and baby for the next day, clean the kitchen, etc. It really helps when I have a second pair of hands on those evenings. I (reluctantly) accepted 9.30pm finish, which is how he made it sound on the phone, but 11pm?! How is that "a couple of hours"?!

He says I'm being unfair as I "agreed to this on the phone". I say he wasn't clear on the phone (plus I was juggling baby at the time and trying to give her medicine etc...)

AIBU to think he wasn't clear and I didn't agree to this?!

OP posts:

tara66 · 23/02/2022 23:38

Let the kitchen cleaning and all the house work go for a few days - do they really matter? You do not have to clean the house at all.

Dibbydoos · 23/02/2022 23:43

Maybe he wasn't clear on purpose, but now you know his game you will next time be very specific with him, right?

This time, I def leave the kitchen. Also, talk about him dropping baby off when you've got to get to work. I hate that women are left accommodating kids, and men don't seem to need to - we are so capable, aren't we? Well, it's stressful, so drop some things onto him. I'd also suggest you agree absolutely no overtime if you're working the following day. Full stop.

Hope it all goes OK for you, you sadly stitched yourself up this time, but like I said, you know for next time....

SarahAndQuack · 23/02/2022 23:45

To me, an adult relationship means being able to have a discussion.

He thinks you agreed on the phone; you feel you were distracted and didn't. IMO it doesn't matter who thought what - you're not happy. If it's a one-off, a solution might be for you to go with it and him to make it up by arranging some child-free time for you later on?

I remember when DD was this age and I was biting DP's arm off come 6pm - it's those long shifts with a small child that are the killer!

Midlifemusings · 23/02/2022 23:48

I think you are being very nitpicky about the specific time. Neither of you specified a time - he said he would be late and you agreed.

However I think you need to address the bigger issue about how much time he is spending at work when he doesn't need to be there and you don't need the money. If he needed to be there to get his work done and it was expected or you needed the money - then fine. But in this case he is already leaving at 6:30 am and getting back at 7:45 pm most days. How much can he cut back without it impacting him at all work wise? I would have that conversation. He could aim to be home by 5:30 3 days a week if he really is just hanging about late those nights and not doing work that needs to be done.

OnaBegonia · 23/02/2022 23:52

In the big scheme of things is 4 hours really something to make a fuss about?
Only on MN do I come across all
these mums who MUST have DH at home of an evening as having one child is a mammoth task not to be managed alone.

Graphista · 23/02/2022 23:53

Is he working more since you had the baby? To avoid being at home?

He can do overtime on other days that have no effect on the stress of my day / evening, he doesn't have to specifically do these hours.

Is he choosing to do overtime that means he's dodging "witching hour" with the baby (when the baby is tired and more fractious and needs more attention) ?

my mornings are more hectic and require more preparation than his anyway (his commute is 15 mins and no drop off).

Why isn't he pulling his weight in the mornings?

He was in the military for many years and was essentially conditioned to be "married" to his job.

Unfortunately very common in military types not pulling their weight at home

Time to put your foot down

This isn't I don't think just about the hours he does it's about his attitude to what needs done at home and who's responsibility he thinks it is - clue it's not just yours!

He's back in the next day at 6.30am so he wouldn't be doing drop off.

Is that even legal?! If he's doing a job managing anything manual especially machinery etc I'm pretty sure it's not!

And you're part time without being married? Were you full time before the baby?

OnaBegonia · 23/02/2022 23:59

@Graphista
Many workplaces have an opt
out of working time directive in their contracts, so gap between shifts doesn't apply.

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 06:31

@OnaBegonia

In the big scheme of things is 4 hours really something to make a fuss about? Only on MN do I come across all these mums who MUST have DH at home of an evening as having one child is a mammoth task not to be managed alone.

You haven't read anything I've written clearly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 06:33

@SC215

I would tell him that you need a shared calendar, you can get apps that do it, so that he can put his shifts in and you can see what he's working qnd what time he will be home.

Do you share finances/have access to his extra overtime money? Or is he making extra cash for himself to spend how he likes while you pick up the slack at home?

We have exactly this, it's agreed a month in advance - my working days and his shifts Inc any planned overtime. He often rings to make changes to this, that's where it falls down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 06:34

Re finances. Yes, we share them in the sense that he makes a contribution each month to the shared household bills. Do I always know the exact amount he's paid and what's left in terms of disposable income? Not really...

OP posts:

Neenawneenaw76 · 24/02/2022 06:35

Honestly, are you sure he's at work? From what you've said it sounds like the shift patterns he's working are illegal and breach working limits, I can't see anywhere setting shifts for people from 6.30qm to 11pm. How do you know he is where he says he is?

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 06:36

@Graphista

Yes he's working more since the baby. But we have needed more money since the baby so I'm not entirely sure if this is just an avoidance tactic, although I am now questioning that.

I'm not sure if it's legal to do those shifts back to back to be honest.

I was FT before the baby yes.

OP posts:

Neenawneenaw76 · 24/02/2022 06:38

[quote OnaBegonia]@Graphista
Many workplaces have an opt
out of working time directive in their contracts, so gap between shifts doesn't apply.[/quote]
This isn't true, gaps between shifts always apply, you can ONLY opt out of the working hours limits, so if you opt out you can work 60 hours a week rather than 48, the gap between shifts remains as do all other leave rules (like 24 hour period off every week or 48 hours every 2 weeks).

TracyMosby · 24/02/2022 06:38

@Neenawneenaw76

My first thought too adding up the hours, aNd hours between shifts too

NoSquirrels · 24/02/2022 06:40

Yes, we share them in the sense that he makes a contribution each month to the shared household bills.
That’s not shared finances.

Do I always know the exact amount he's paid and what's left in terms of disposable income? Not really...
If it doesn’t benefit you at all, if the extra overtime money is earned at your expense and yet not shared proportionately, be less accommodating. You’re basically free childcare.

He often rings to make changes to this, that's where it falls down.
Say no every time.

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 06:44

@Neenawneenaw76

No, I suppose I can't be sure he's at work. I just take his word for it.

OP posts:

Passporttu · 24/02/2022 06:44

God help you if you was a single parent, that would be your life every day. He's working, not going out on the lash or meeting friends. He's working extra hours to provide. If it's a one off 11pm finish, I couldn't get cross at this. I'd just stipulate that it can't be a regular occurrence as you want help at home.

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 06:50

God help you if you was a single parent, that would be your life every day.

Thanks for your patronising input.

I've been one, thanks. For many years (my eldest is almost an adult).

This time, however, I planned a baby with a man who apparently jointly wanted one, too. As a family. Yet I still feel like a single one parent most days. How is that fair?

OP posts:

peacefullife · 24/02/2022 06:50

Find ways to make life easier for that evening. Lunch doesn’t have to be made. Go to the co-op the day before and get a prepacked sandwich etc so that’s a 5 min job done. Get a couple of disposable bottles pre filled with formula to make life easier? Get a few of those disposable formula cartons in so it’s snip, pour, done. I used to use those all the time on busy days. Don’t clean the kitchen. Baby in a bouncer in front of the TV if he/she wakes up. No washing/cleaning. Baby doesn’t have to be bathed that one night. Couple of pampers sensitive baby wipes to clean bum and bits. 1 minute job done. As a busy mum it’s important to find the cheats/hacks. If baby wakes up and you need a pre bed shower/bath you can pop baby in a bouncer and carry into the bathroom with you. Where else are the areas that you’ll find take up time that night? Between 7 & 11 is expect to be majority sat on the sofa with a cup of tea watching Netflix with baby monitor next to me. Why isn’t that happening for you?

Charley50 · 24/02/2022 06:50

@Passporttu

But she's not a single parent. Why should all the evenings (and mornings from the sound of it) fall on her?

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 06:53

He also said (and this really grates on me): "I'll look like I'm not a team player if I say no to overtime shifts".

Right. So I have to leave work on time to collect our child from childcare, I can't say yes to anything additional. Yet he must be a "team player" saying yes to all kinds of extra shifts, neglecting to consider that I don't have this option in my job and taking for granted that I'll just pick up the slack at home.

Not really a "team player" for the family, is he.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 06:55

It's hard to appreciate unless you know him but as I've already said, he's someone who is borderline obsessed with his work and his colleagues. When he's home he's frequently on his work group chat anyway.

OP posts:

Cakelover17 · 24/02/2022 06:57

@Sofiegiraffe

God help you if you was a single parent, that would be your life every day.

Thanks for your patronising input.

I've been one, thanks. For many years (my eldest is almost an adult).

This time, however, I planned a baby with a man who apparently jointly wanted one, too. As a family. Yet I still feel like a single one parent most days. How is that fair?

You say this but you’ve also said he’s always been like this with work and you’ve needed the money more since you are part time now. You new who he was and what he was like when planning the baby with him. His shift pattern with the 6.30 start is illegal so that’s annoying but I’m not sure it makes him a rubbish parent who doesn’t want his child. Obviously there’s more to it somewere.

Charley50 · 24/02/2022 06:57

@Sofiegiraffe

He also said (and this really grates on me): "I'll look like I'm not a team player if I say no to overtime shifts".

Not really a "team player" for the family, is he.

Blimey.. I was just ruminating on exactly the same thing.. my partner saying recently he 'would never let his team down,' when he's let me down many times. Sorry, not helpful I know.

Original poster

Sofiegiraffe · 24/02/2022 07:00

@Charley50

That's exactly what I said to him last night. You'd rather let me down than anyone at work, and that hurts. He denies this of course. But it's blatantly true.

OP posts:

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