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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by dd’s behaviour

449 replies

Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:18

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

OP posts:
Rububububu · 24/02/2022 16:01

@Atypicaldancer

My worry is that because there are lots of things that Dd can do (socialise with MY family, or her boyfriend); get a train etc that it then looks to the outside world that she has more control than she actually does. It’s really hard to explain and I’ve seen that on this thread.
I wish I could say that doesn't happen, but it does. All the time. I can drive, and that's always thrown back into my face. A few times when I've posted on here, I've been told my issues can't be that bad as I am able to use Mumsnet. Luckily your DD has you to advocate for her, but it is really hard.
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 16:15

Yes, Dd will be able to drive. She can swim, play football, appear ‘normal’ (though reciprocal conversation does not happen, she can respond to questions appropriately). I’m not sure if she’ll hold down a job or not yet; I hope so. She obsesses about people and the focus of her obsessions changes.

OP posts:
MistOverTheDowns · 24/02/2022 16:17

You sound as soft as my cap, OP.
Get a grip and stop excusing her.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 16:19

@MistOverTheDowns thanks for that, really constructive and helpful. What would you suggest I do going forward?

OP posts:
MistOverTheDowns · 24/02/2022 16:20

What type of life do you think she is going to have if you accept all this shite from her?

She'll have a pretty rude awakening when she goes out into the world?

What on earth is her boyfriend like?

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 16:21

I am not sure what kind of life she will have. I’ve asked myself many times. She’s not always like this, only in meltdown. How would you suggest I deal with this sort of thing?
Her boyfriend is another teenager who also has autism, so they understand each other quite well.

OP posts:
MistOverTheDowns · 24/02/2022 16:22

I suggest that you put down some rules and she follows them.

I suggest that she stops thinking of herself as some special case where she can speak to others as if they're shit but is treated well herself.

Up to you but I imagine you will carry on as you are, making excuses and then wondering why, when she's 25 no one wants to know her.

I'm sure The Explosive Child will come in very useful then.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 16:23

Believe me, I’ve tried every type of parenting strategy and normal strategies do not work. Funnily enough, none of the highly qualified professionals working with Dd have questioned my parenting of her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 16:24

How do I get her to follow those rules without her ending up in hospital, harming herself or running away?

OP posts:
MistOverTheDowns · 24/02/2022 16:25

I guess though they have an interest in it, otherwise they'd be out of a job!

Good luck!

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 16:25

She already has no friends. Autism is a social communication disorder.

Her brother and sister are highly academic and well behaved. So I can’t be that awful as a parent.

OP posts:
Dilbertian · 24/02/2022 16:26

@MistOverTheDowns

I suggest that you put down some rules and she follows them.

I suggest that she stops thinking of herself as some special case where she can speak to others as if they're shit but is treated well herself.

Up to you but I imagine you will carry on as you are, making excuses and then wondering why, when she's 25 no one wants to know her.

I'm sure The Explosive Child will come in very useful then.

I suggest you educate yourself about Autustic Spectrum Disorder. Biscuit
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 16:26

You still haven’t explained how I can get Dd to follow all these rules without her harming herself. I would love to hear it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 16:28

Are you suggesting a team of clinical psychologists, psychiatrists and occupational therapists are not advising me on the correct thing to do so they can keep making money? And all I need to do is be strict and her autism will go away? Do you think the reason most children don’t behave like that is solely because they are scared of consequences?

OP posts:
Dilbertian · 24/02/2022 16:30

Atypicaldancer, disengage from that poster. As a parent of a struggling autustic teen, you already second-guess yourself and over-analyse every misadventure. And that's because you are trying your hardest to parent your child and prepare her for the adult world. Please don't let ignorant, prejudiced idiots make life harder for you. You do not have to justify yourself to them.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 16:40

@Dilbertian yes I do need to stop justifying myself. It’s hard enough without that. And she may not be able to cope socially at 25, I’m fully prepared for that.

OP posts:
Spanglemum · 24/02/2022 16:47

Hi OP, I have children with autism and MH difficulties. Sone people here are ignorant and some are being goady. You and she are doing well. Blended families are hard enough for NT kids. My oldest child is 16 too and can mask their difficulties a lot of the time but they are also very emotionally disregulated. You've had a lot of good advice for groups to join which is recommend you do.

And anyone who thinks a child like OP's is going to go out into 'the big wide world' and cope well OR get some sort of rude awakening doesn't know what they're talking about. Would they suggest a child in a wheelchair had to learn to walk?

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 16:50

Yes, I suspect she’s already having her ‘rude awakening’ and I already know that she may never have a full time job or make many friends. I know that there are certain situations she will never deal with - at 15, or at 25.

OP posts:
Sideswiped · 24/02/2022 16:53

Fucking hell, are there still arseholes and shitstirrers on this thread?
@Atypicaldancer, seriously - don't feed them.

Anselve · 24/02/2022 16:56

Just wanted to say you’re not alone. DD15 could be your DD’s twin in so many ways and I think we parent in similar ways- careful, thoughtful, always adjusting to new knowledge, always looking to keep them on an even keel while still making progress.

I have no idea if DD will live independently, but the teenage years could not have been harder, but like you said, she will always have me. I am her safe space and I will accept her as she is because I know the affectionate, funny, wonderful person she is behind some of her behaviour.

I just don’t care what other people think and my MIL would be the last person I would care about. Not until she’d read all the books I have, attended all the courses and psychiatrists and psychologists I have.

Keep going atidydancer - no one else could do what you’re doing so well for your DD. She’s lucky to have you.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 17:10

Thank you 😊 it helps having the support on here. DH is calling MIL to explain and she’s got the biggest bunch of flowers, chocolates and Prosecco on the way. I think I’ll allow Dd to control when she sees MIL now, as it’s obviously something she can’t manage at the moment. She becomes more entrenched in her views if I try to force things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 17:26

MIL was ok when DH spoke to her - she just said she was a bit annoyed about the cake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 24/02/2022 17:32

I sometimes think I have some PTSD around Dd and what I’ve been through - I’m constantly anxious when we are in social situations and I feel panicky whenever she’s out. I’m ruminating on this to an unhealthy degree as well. It’s frustrating as I need people to understand and they don’t.
Autism runs in my family. My nephew can’t talk. No one would say he couldn’t talk because his mum wasn’t strict enough - it’s because he is autistic.

OP posts:
OnlyAFleshWound · 24/02/2022 17:48

@Atypicaldancer

She is much less mature than her peers. She doesn’t argue with her brother and sister anymore (14 and 12) as they’ve grown out of arguing with her. Now she has conflict more with DH’s 9 year old because the emotional maturity level is the same.
I am still struggling somewhat with you supporting her having a sexual relationship with her boyfriend when she's not only legally underage but by your own reckoning has an emotional age of 9 Confused
QGMum · 24/02/2022 17:51

@Atypicaldancer please don't beat yourself up about this. From your posts you are a caring, thoughtful mother and what happened is not your fault. Your dd has apologised and I think it is ok to just move on now.

Your mil doesn't sound very understanding of your ND dd. Mil should have asked you or your dd is she would like the cake. But maybe she isn't aware of the adjustments that should be made for ND kids. A bit like some of the posters on here.