To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

What support or therapy do you have @Atypicaldancer? Dealing with kids with additional needs is hard and I totally understand your PTSD feelings.

But blended families are very hard and I feel for your DD. Dealing with a new step grandparent relationship must be very difficult for her. You come across as very worried about managing that relationship, the flowers etc are totally overkill for a rude teenager who has already apologised.

I would say that your DD can help it when things are going well, and that she is not yet mature enough to manage consistently when things aren't going well. Telling an autistic 15 year old under stress to not open their mouth - well I'm sure that will work for some but others are guaranteed to say the worst possible thing and there's no way they could have kept it in. My DS has said some gloriously outrageous things to teachers. (Several of my family are also very foot-in-mouth, some of us have heard of tact but that doesn't mean we can all do it. ) And in a tight corner there's no telling what will come out. Yet I also know that in other situations my DS has been very kind and thoughtful and considerate in what he says. It's not that he doesn't care, he does, he just couldn't do it all the time.

Your DD is newly diagnosed, presumably only just started therapy. She hasn't got the awareness or the techniques yet, she will get there. In the meantime IdontWanna's suggestion upthread for advanced warning and prep is a really effective strategy. Just that extra time can make a huge difference to the reaction you get. Kids with ASCs often have a processing delay and if they don't have time they go for the "first thing" which is often the "worst thing". It's tiring for you because you will have to do DD's "thinking ahead" for her. But in time DD will be able to take over some of it.

it then looks to the outside world that she has more control than she actually does. It’s really hard to explain and I’ve seen that on this thread.

Been there, done that, got the grey hairs. Maturity really does help. Remember the ASC maturity rule- of- thumb - two thirds of chronological age? OK it's not universal but your DD has a lot of maturing still to do, she's a work in progress not a finished product

She’s emotionally immature, but she’s a normal 16 year old in other ways - so her having the maturity of a 9 year old in some ways doesn’t mean she can’t have a boyfriend.

She does have a processing delay - she’s in the bottom 1% for processing speeds.

I am on antidepressants and I had some support through occupational health at work. I am struggling. I can’t separate Dd and her boyfriend- I encourage open dialogue- so she told me when she tried vaping for example, or when she had sex for the first time - she told me and we discussed contraceptive options etc. I would rather she waited, but equally I want to make sure that she’s safe. They’ve been together a year now. I don’t want Dd to keep secrets from me, so we talk about things.

[quote QGMum]@Atypicaldancer please don't beat yourself up about this. From your posts you are a caring, thoughtful mother and what happened is not your fault. Your dd has apologised and I think it is ok to just move on now.

Your mil doesn't sound very understanding of your ND dd. Mil should have asked you or your dd is she would like the cake. But maybe she isn't aware of the adjustments that should be made for ND kids. A bit like some of the posters on here. [/quote]
I think that’s exactly what it is, @QGMum, the MIL has no experience of ND children so she has no idea about the adjustments that need to be made.

@Atypicaldancer

She’s emotionally immature, but she’s a normal 16 year old in other ways - so her having the maturity of a 9 year old in some ways doesn’t mean she can’t have a boyfriend.

I’m sorry but I disagree.

I teach 9 and 10 year old children. The thought of anyone with their level of emotional maturity being allowed (and encouraged) to have a sexual relationship is terrifying.

Your daughter may be like a 16 year old in many ways but emotional maturity is massively involved in romantic and sexual relationships.

Ok well she is 16 (or will be tomorrow) and able to make those choices. She is not 9 or 10. That was my way of saying she was immature compared to her peers in some ways. I’m being pragmatic and I know that she will see her boyfriend regardless of whether I support her or not. This isn’t an exact science - I have no way of measuring her emotional maturity. She is 16. Not 9.

I teach too. I would be horrified by the year 7s I teach having a sexual relationship. It’s not the same thing.

She hasn’t been encouraged to have a boyfriend. I’m just not preventing it, because I know I’m not going to win that battle and I’d rather know what she’s up to. I wouldn’t allow a 9 year old to get a train by themselves. Dd can, because she’s not 9. The area of her immaturity is impulsivity and emotional regulation. That will make life and relationships hard for her and it’s why she has no friends. But it doesn’t mean I’m going to (or can) stop her having a boyfriend.

She’s high functioning in some ways (though I know the term high functioning isn’t really used for a number of reasons). But her IQ is 80 and her cognitive processing speeds are in the bottom 1%.
*
this is exactly the same as my dd18 but I'm sorry I think she was just being rude my dd would never talk to someone like that, but unlike your daughter she wouldn't of dreamed of it at school*

Ok thanks @userclip that’s great for you that your daughter is polite

@Atypicaldancer

She hasn’t been encouraged to have a boyfriend. I’m just not preventing it, because I know I’m not going to win that battle and I’d rather know what she’s up to. I wouldn’t allow a 9 year old to get a train by themselves. Dd can, because she’s not 9. The area of her immaturity is impulsivity and emotional regulation. That will make life and relationships hard for her and it’s why she has no friends. But it doesn’t mean I’m going to (or can) stop her having a boyfriend.

Don't you think impulsivity and emotional regulation are pretty relevant to having a sexual relationship? I am not sure why you are so confident that your daughter is fine having sex at 15 when many neurotypical girls are not (even if they think they are at the time).

Girls & young women who are neurodiverse and/or below average IQ are very, very often the targets of sexually inappropriate behaviour at a young age.

I’m not fine with it. But she does have a boyfriend, I know him well and I keep an eye on things, talk to her etc. Realistically, unless I lock her in the house, she’s going to see him. At least I know she can talk to me if she’s in trouble. I may be getting things wrong; I probably am - but this is the path I’m following.

@Chonfox ok thanks for the input. I have apologised with flowers and chocolates and Dd has also apologised. You ‘knowing people on the spectrum’ isn’t relevant. One autistic person is one autistic person.

You ‘knowing people on the spectrum’ isn’t relevant. One autistic person is one autistic person.

In that case her having autism isn't relevant. A rude person is a rude person. As for her holding down a job in the future - you can count that out if she doesn't learn some basic manners!

Thanks @Chonfox - I appreciate your input. I think you’ve misunderstood however. Her autism isn’t the same as someone else’s- her difficulties won’t be the same as someone else’s. Yes I agree with you, she probably will struggle with jobs in the future, which is heartbreaking.

My nephew can’t talk. It would be easy to say ‘I know someone with autism and they can talk - so why can’t he?’

@Atypicaldancer

I’m not fine with it. But she does have a boyfriend, I know him well and I keep an eye on things, talk to her etc. Realistically, unless I lock her in the house, she’s going to see him. At least I know she can talk to me if she’s in trouble. I may be getting things wrong; I probably am - but this is the path I’m following.

I understand. Being a parent is really really hard.

@Atypicaldancer

It’s helpful to know the level of ignorance out there, tbh. I will have to face this in the real world too.

Sad but true. Easy to get into a SN bubble and think most people "get it".

From what you've posted, on one side you have DD with serious MH, self harm and other difficulties who was obviously struggling.

On the other side you have MIL who's put out that she didn't get a thank you.

It's MORE than ok to prioritise your DD and her needs. In fact it's your job as her parent.

There are still ways to discuss how to handle it differently next time. I'd focus on that rather than on fixing this particular problem.

@Atypicaldancer

I’m not fine with it. But she does have a boyfriend, I know him well and I keep an eye on things, talk to her etc. Realistically, unless I lock her in the house, she’s going to see him. At least I know she can talk to me if she’s in trouble. I may be getting things wrong; I probably am - but this is the path I’m following.

You're not wrong.

Can you imagine if your daughter had the urges and needs of a typical 15/16 yo and her issues(processing,emotional maturity etc) and no one to talk to or having to hide things because she's embarrassed or afraid? That's when the real risks and dangerous situations happen. You've found a pretty decent balance where you're keeping an eye on things, the lines of communication are open , she knows she can talk to you without fear of repercussions or judgement/shaming and she can explore in a fairly safe environment.

Some of the "advice" on this is shocking. Sorry OP maybe post on the sen parenting bit next time.

@OnlyAFleshWound that can also happen when the adults around them refuse to acknowledge that these women and girls are developing their sexuality and related needs and insist on treating them like children. Often shaming them or doing the "lock'em up and throw away the key" or refusing to acknowledge it's happening and to discuss it and what options are there.That makes it a lot easier for a predator to take advantage of the need for secrecy and use it to their own advantage.