To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

Thank you @Georgieporgie29. For what it’s worth - I have two other dc with lovely manners, who are doing well at school and would never do something like that with the cake! Dd is clearly struggling. I spent a long time thinking her behaviour was my fault and I was a bad parent and trying everything I could - but her behaviour just got worse and worse.

Getting the diagnosis and changing my strategies with Dd really helped things at home and she’s usually very calm now at home. She still can’t cope with school or with certain people/situations.

I know people on here would be surprised as Dd could happily go to my mum's house and interact with people there quite well. But there are certain situations that act as a trigger.

I’ve struggled with the blended family at times, so it’s hardly surprising that Dd might find it hard.

@OshaOsha she has no friends. She once went out with two girls from school and when she had been with them for too long, she became overwhelmed and ran away from them.

She will not see MIL as a friend.

@Georgieporgie29

Actually I’ve just read that your mil brought the cake over on a day that isn’t your dd’s birthday just so she could see her grandchildren and they could have some. Actually, that’s a bit shitty and comes across as not being for your dd at all!

Yes that’s what upset Dd as well, I think.

By saying she didn't want to come in and thank MIL, She was communicating her discomfort at that situation and trying to prevent what happened.....from happening. Why did she then come in? Was she pressed to come in? Did she feel the expectation to come in despite saying she didn't want to?
If so, next time ask her if there is a way she could please communicate thankfulness for the cake in a way that feels less overwhelming like sending a thank you card through the post or texting MIL once she's gone.

Absolutely this.

Autistic children often speak a different language. They may not have the ability to express that they are anxious or overstimulated or disregulated. We have to read their signals and help them through the situation. There is no point trying to teach them or modify their behaviour at that moment. When they are in a good place then we can address issues and work out strategies.

An autistic teen will often be aware that their behaviour is unacceptable to others, which doubles the stress for them and often adds embarrassment and humiliation to their burden.

Please tell your dd that she is not a bad daughter.

‘your horrible why would you invite her round after i couldn’t deal with her last time and you wonder why i wanted to come later. you set me up with my triggers which is selfish and rude. i told you to leave me alone and then you put me under so much pressure i lost all control and then you say you miss me when you were setting up a situation for me to get into trouble and i honestly just don’t want to speak to if you are purposely going to corner me and trap to a point where i loose control’

Dd sent me this after the incident with the cake happened. I didn’t tell her she had to come in, but I think I made her feel that she should and I was very wrong to do that. I told her that I’m learning too and I make mistakes. I was feeling the social pressure too.

My dd could have written that.

Actually, well done your dd for being able to articulate what did not work for her.

It's a learning process for both of you.

strategies:
go straight to room to decompress
warn her of mils visits. (maybe make sure visits are arranged in advance as a reasonable adjustment)
explain again to mil. She sounds like she is making an effort.
dont talk about her in front of people while she is there. that was a trigger.

work out triggers.

Yes, she hates people talking about her while she’s there. I should have known that too.

I think I made it worse by talking to MIL about how Dd was obviously enjoying the cake (she’d cut herself a HUGE slice) and that was the point where Dd reacted unfortunately.

I'd have reacted badly to that too, to be honest. I've always been funny about food (lots of sensory issues) and I can't stand anyone drawing attention to what I'm eating. A few weeks ago DH made a joke like "have you got enough coleslaw there??" and that was that - I couldn't eat my lunch.

The more you post, the more your MIL sounds like the rude one. Bringing the cake over on a day that's not your DD's birthday just so her grandchildren can have a bit definitely takes the shine off the gesture.

(I should have clarified, those little "innocent" comments about the type or amount of food I have feels like a criticism of me, which is why I get angry and stop eating)

@OshaOsha

If she doesn't like people who aren't family being in her space ir socialising with them, does she not have friends? Would she not wat a friend in her house either?

If she understands the concept of a friend, could you put MIL into that framework?

This kind of thing annoys me a little bit. It sounds patronising to assume that OPs DD lacks understanding of what MIL is and needs some kind of cutesy explanation where she 'starts thinking of MIL as a friend'. She's not five years old, she's fifteen and she's uncomfortable/can't cope. She understands what family/friends are, she doesn't see MIL fitting either of those categories for her, and MIL is a stranger who is invading her safe space. I'm older and have a bit more control than your DD OP, but I wince thinking about being put in that situation. Not because you are at fault at all by the way, thank you for trying so hard to help her get through life.

Having MIL there unannounced would be extremely hard for me to cope with, and everything thereafter becomes a demand. Even if you told DD you weren't expecting anything, DD would still feel that pressure from MIL, because I can feel it even thinking about it. The entire fact she's there and you can't cope and you know they are able to tell you can't cope because you being absent from the situation also makes this clear. That's part of the invasion. 'They will see. They will know. I can't escape.' It's entirely suffocating. It's really hard to mitigate those feelings, but being prepared for the situation in advance really does help. Especially if you can help set up a plausible escape plan that makes her feel less pressured.

'DD, MIL is coming over on Sunday at 11am. I can tell her that you have xyz to do in your room and won't be able to join. She will stay for 2 hours.'

If you take the pressure to interact and exist in the same space away, there's a chance DD eventually starts interacting on her own. Because she has a pre-planned escape card she can use, and the pressure is gone. 'I can get away from this without worrying about what people will think. I can say hi and leave' etc. It will take time, but the more you can mitigate the demands, the less anxious she will likely be. Of course I'm just basing this on my own experience and everyone is their own person, but I didn't want to read and run.

This kind of thing annoys me a little bit. It sounds patronising to assume that OPs DD lacks understanding of what MIL is and needs some kind of cutesy explanation

I wasn't saying you need to make her feel that she is a friend to her, but that she is like her mum's friend so that's why she's allowed in the house, thought it would be reasonable because OP said she doesn't want her in the house because she's not family. I also wasn't sure if she had the concept that MIL is her sibling's family, so she will come to see them too. I wasn't trying to patronise or say that she should tell her MIL is like a friend to DD at all. I apologise.

Dd does understand what family and friends are and she’s low normal intelligence. She just doesn’t regard MIL as family. She dislikes her and feels uncomfortable around her. She described her as a yappy Yorkshire terrier that doesn’t stop talking. I do need to relieve some of the pressure Dd is feeling to socialise.

She doesn’t regard DH’s children as her family either, but she tolerates them, particularly the youngest who she quite likes.

@OshaOsha

This kind of thing annoys me a little bit. It sounds patronising to assume that OPs DD lacks understanding of what MIL is and needs some kind of cutesy explanation

I wasn't saying you need to make her feel that she is a friend to her, but that she is like her mum's friend so that's why she's allowed in the house, thought it would be reasonable because OP said she doesn't want her in the house because she's not family. I also wasn't sure if she had the concept that MIL is her sibling's family, so she will come to see them too. I wasn't trying to patronise or say that she should tell her MIL is like a friend to DD at all. I apologise.

Think of it like this. Imagine you are terribly afraid of or absolutely hate dogs. Now this dog comes into your house all the time because your dad bought one and he loves it. Would you stop hating or being scared of the dog because it was explained to you that the dog is daddy's friend and therefore should be allowed into the house?

I'm not sure of course, but I don't think OPs DD doesn't understand why her MIL might want to come to her house or should be invited to her house in theory. She can't cope with it in practice, so reframing what relationship MIL has to the rest of the household won't make a difference.

*'DD, MIL is coming over on Sunday at 11am. I can tell her that you have xyz to do in your room and won't be able to join. She will stay for 2 hours.'

If you take the pressure to interact and exist in the same space away, there's a chance DD eventually starts interacting on her own. Because she has a pre-planned escape card she can use, and the pressure is gone. 'I can get away from this without worrying about what people will think. I can say hi and leave' etc.*

This is a very good strategy and has helped my dc a lot. They interact to the degree they are comfortable for, and the social conventions are maintained.

You could also say "I'd like you to do xyz". Eg come down to say hello at some point in the visit, or say hello before you go up to your room. Or that could be the next step. It creates a structured interaction with no requirement to interact further.

One thing, though: I wouldn't specify the length of the visit unless you can guarantee it.

Some good advice thank you. I have started reading ‘The Explosive Child’ and I’m nodding along as I identify with so much in there.

There are a lot of comments in this thread which are written by people clueless about autism so for your own sanity OP just ignore them.

Definitely get Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child and look on his website 'Lives in the Balance' as both are great resources.
you haven't mentioned any sensory difficulties your DD has, but do look here www.theottoolbox.com/ and you'll find a lot of helpful solutions and explanations of why your Dd behaves as she does. All behaviour is communication and when the behaviour is extreme, then that shows the level of overwhelm she's under. She needs understanding, not censure.

So many also comment on your DD's age and what level of behaviour should be expected yet no-one so far has said that neurodiverse people especially kids and teens have an emotional age around two thirds of their chronological age. That in itself opens up a whole new perspective on the situation and hopefully a lot more understanding all round.

It is hard OP, trying to help an autistic DD learn how NT society operates. My DD's adult now and I don't always get it right.

What may help in the future is to manage not just your DD's expectations of a social situation, but the other NT people involved as well. Look up 'now next and then' instructions so you can help to guide her. Always have an 'escape route' to a safe place for her if she's suddenly overwhelmed or can't cope when everyone thought she'd be okay. At home of course that's easy enough, you have her sensory safe space in her room. When we're out, my DD knows if things are too much she can take off and sit in the car and wait for me.

All our kids are different, what works for mine may not work for yours, but you've shown that you're willing to learn how to guide her through the nightmare (for her) that is NT society. You're her advocate and you're doing really well. None of us get it right 100% of the time, you're doing great.

She is much less mature than her peers. She doesn’t argue with her brother and sister anymore (14 and 12) as they’ve grown out of arguing with her. Now she has conflict more with DH’s 9 year old because the emotional maturity level is the same.

@Atypicaldancer I just wanted to say you have incredible
Compassion
And are obviously doing a great job with your daughter.
My little one is still a toddler and I hope that I would be able to give her all the love and support that you give your DD.

If it helps to give some perspective when I was 16 I came in developed the hiccups and then slid down the wall in front of my mum and all her in laws from being very tipsy

All children embarrass their parents.

Your daughter sounds lovely, that she tried, that she apologised and that she was able to get some head rubs later on.

You are doing a great job.

Ignore the haters don't waste your energy justifying yourself to anyone.

She shouldn't have to interact face to face if she doesn't want to, and if she feels she will blow up at people because it's too much, but I do think she should say thank you, even via text or a note or something if speaking to MIL physically is so uncomfortable. Maybe a little barrier. So MIL bought the cake around, you tell her it's there but that she doesn't have to come and eat it or anything she can go to her room, but then she could text you "Thank you to MIL" and you could forward the text to MIL. I say she could text you, not MIL, because otherwise MIL might be tempted to engage in some kind of text convo that she wouldn't want, and I say you could forward the text to MIL so that you aren't talking about your DD with her when she isn't there, in case she were to hear you say "DD said thanks for the cake".

I think it would be a compromise that wouldn't put your DD in a highly uncomfortable situation, but also isn't rude to your MIL.

Maybe it wouldn't work, just an idea.

I’ve sent MIL a huge bunch of flowers, chocolates and Prosecco with a message to say we appreciate her. I’ve signed it from me rather than Dd and I’ve told Dd I won’t expect her to socialise in the future if she doesn’t want to.

DD’s view is that she didn’t want or ask for the cake and so she shouldn’t have to say thank you.

@Atypicaldancer

DD’s view is that she didn’t want or ask for the cake and so she shouldn’t have to say thank you.

I don't go for the validation of strangers, but sometimes it is such a relief to hear that I'm not living a weird sort of life and that others have the same experiences

My worry is that because there are lots of things that Dd can do (socialise with MY family, or her boyfriend); get a train etc that it then looks to the outside world that she has more control than she actually does. It’s really hard to explain and I’ve seen that on this thread.