To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

I give her time to calm down. She has a self soothe box and a checklist of calming strategies she can use. I try to get her to work through her thoughts when she’s calm. Got it wrong today though.

Teens are some of the hardest people in the world to deal with. Their hormones are all over the place and they’re stuck between an odd place where they’re still a child but want to be treated like an adult.

No parent knows how to properly deal with a teen.
Add on autism, MH and whatever else your DD is going through and it gets even harder.

You being on MN asking for advice and all of the things you’ve said shows what a great parent you are.
Keep going. Things will get easier.

Thank you for all the suggestions and support.

I'm not surprised you are feeling upset. You want everyone to feel okay. And that is natural. But really you can't 'manage' situations like this so everyone feels okay and everyone gets what they want/need. I think you may get a bit more comfort if you work on accepting a few things. Accepting that dd may sometimes encounter situations like this, and you can't always predict or control every situation she encounters or her reaction (and nor can she). You can help support her but you can't make everything okay for her all the time, you're only human! Similarly, might be best to accept that MIL or others may feel, react or respond in unhelpful or unsympathetic ways, or get their feelings hurt. Likewise, you can be mindful but at the end of the day you don't have control over that, either.

As I see it, you haven't done anything wrong at all. MIL chose to make the cake and visited knowing dd is autistic and has struggles with communication and regulation. You've told her, up to her if she was able to hear it. Your dd chose to come and try and say thank you even though she felt uncomfortable. Unfortunately, that didn't work out and she had this meltdown. Okay. Of course that is upsetting but it isn't a failure. You had said she can stay in her room. I think you have been mindful of everyone's feelings and been flexible. Beyond that I don't think much more can be expected of you. You can't take on all the responsibility for other people's feelings, even though you care and want them to be happy.

@Atypicaldancer

If MIL wants to see her grandkids, why can’t she see them in her home? I don’t think you understand that the pressure to do these things is coming from you. This is a blended family. Many blended families have grandparents who only biologically related children see. It’s fine. But there seems to be a pressure that Family means everyone doing things together. So she felt pressured to go to Sunday lunch. Why? Just let DH go with the other kids.

If she doesn’t like MIL then why is MIL making her birthday cake and coming over for her birthday? She doesn’t like her! For the other kids? It’s HER BIRTHDAY!

You can’t make her behave so stop forcing the relationship. I feel like you want DD to accept MIL and you are insisting that she do it and she is pushing back.

Just drop it. They will probably get on better with a bit more distance.

She had apologised I don't think you can expect much more than that really

I don’t think DH likes the idea that his mum can’t come to our house.

I don't think I'd have made DD thank MIL face to face - she could have texted her thanks, you could have called MIL the next day and said 'DD says thanks v. much for the cake - it was lovely', a short note from DD if capable.

I do think that MIL was trying to be nice with the cake - her way of trying to break the ice (even if she doesn't understand, it appears as though she tried). She's not really at fault - she had good intentions.

In fact, nobody is at fault. What will happen in the future though? What if she tells someone else to fuck off, someone who will not take it as well as a loving mother would? Are strategies for the next time she has to come face to face with someone she really does not want to see (because she will have to eventually) something you could talk about?

It sounds so difficult, OP, and you're clearly doing the best you can for your DD.

I agree with @RobertaFirmino, though. Mention this incident to her therapist and ask for some additional strategies for stressful situations. Some people react v. badly to being sworn at, she could even put herself in physical danger if she swore at the wrong person.

My son also has Asd, he's 9 and doesn't have much of a filter at all. He's extremely black and white in his thinking, he doesn't swear because that's not 'good' behaviour, but will tell family to shut up which is embarrassing. he had a meltdown at school recently due to noise levels, went to a meeting with teacher and deputy head and he said 'sorry Mr X but this is not worth your pay bracket, I just want to learn' I don't know how he knows what salaries teachers are on. Or if he gets a gift he'll say 'thank you but I honestly would have preferred the money, but I did say thank you!!'

@Atypicaldancer

But she can come over. What she can’t do is make the cake and come over for DD’s birthday.

Honestly, I think you just have to let go of this idea of one big happy family. You seem to think she will get used to MIL like she did DH but what if she doesn’t? Just stop pressuring them to get along. For DD events, just do things as a five instead. Don’t invite MIL. For other events, invite MIL. Split up and let DH take the kids to MILs instead of all going together.

That’s the obvious solution.

@Atypicaldancer

It’s helpful to know the level of ignorance out there, tbh. I will have to face this in the real world too.

Take no notice of those posters, OP.

You're clearly a wonderful mother who completely understands your daughter's needs, so you're very much her safe space.

Much love to you both. 💐

@Atypicaldancer

I don’t think DH likes the idea that his mum can’t come to our house.

I don't think it's realistic to completely stop mil coming over, as it is also your DH home. When she does though, just don't expect dd to do social duty. Allow her to escape to her own room, and don't force niceties on her. Saying hello is one thing, but then wanting to leave the room and not interact should be perfectly acceptable.

Also the level of ignorance on this thread is just sad. You're doing great, and you sound like a great mother! You'll keep learning as your dd grows, and you'll find new coping techniques. These things just take time!

I've learned with DS (although we're not at the teen years yet) that he often needs time in his room to decompress after being somewhere. Notice about what you're doing next, plan A and plan B helps too.

How would she take it if you sent a warning text that MiL has come with a cake. Option A 5 mins to thank her when she gets in. Option B, go in, unwind. 5 mins to thank her at the end of the visit.
It could give her some notice to process and a bit more sense of control over the situation reducing the chance/ severity of meltdown.

Bloody hell, don't make her apologise again.

So many ignorant posters commenting that obviously know fuck all about ASD.

@Atypicaldancer

I don’t think DH likes the idea that his mum can’t come to our house.

Well no. And your other children probably dont want to live in a home where your dd controls the guest list and they shouldnt have to. You need to finds compromise - guests are fine but your dd doesnt have to interact with them.

@bbtatoes please dont categorize this as typical asd behaviour because it really isnt. To me it sounds like the OPs dd better get in plenty of practice in apologising for having upset people because she's going to need it.

Maybe this is an experience you can all learn from. It is frustrating for those not on the spectrum, to witness these behaviours, especially when it becomes quite a frequent and uncontrollable thing. Maybe avoid putting her in that situation next time, as this seems to be the most likely outcome.
I know that you’ll want to encourage her to use her manners and say thank you etc however, as you have described how she isn’t good with these kinds of interactions, maybe accept the outcome will more than likely be as you’ve just witnessed.
I imagine it to be extremely upsetting and perhaps difficult to deal with, as you know this attitude is not something that can really be changed. Perhaps look at the way you have dealt with the situation and learn from it. This is not me blaming you AT ALL, I only say how you handled the situation because you have more control in comparison to DD.
Dealing with someone on the spectrum full time is exhausting and I completely empathise with you all, especially if she is newly diagnosed; I imagine this is still a period of adjustment and understanding for you all. Hopefully her therapy will help her integrate a little easier, and will also give extended family members time to adjust in the meantime.

[quote Porcupineintherough]@bbtatoes please dont categorize this as typical asd behaviour because it really isnt. To me it sounds like the OPs dd better get in plenty of practice in apologising for having upset people because she's going to need it.[/quote]
This can be typical behaviour for some of those on the spectrum. Ops dd apologised to mil for her behaviour. She acknowledged afterward that she was in the wrong. That shows the correct level of understanding. It isn't as simple as preparing them for these situations, because unfortunately it's overwhelming for them and sometimes they can't control their outbursts.

DS2 would struggle with the concept of saying thankyou for a cake he didn’t ask for and wasn’t expecting. He does not like surprises, especially if given with a lot of expectation attached, so someone saying “I’ve made you a cake, it’s your favourite, for your birthday” immediately creates pressure on him to respond. It’s the fastest way to send him into meltdown. If the cake was brought in without fanfare, just left in the kitchen, he’d respond much more favourably. I guess I’m trying to say a lot depends on how your MIL presented the cake, was she waiting for a reaction from your DD? That just sets her up to fail.

Also, I noticed you mentioned your MIL fusses over the other DC. My DS really struggles with people who fuss, and will often get agitated in response, even if it’s not directed at him, he gets overwhelmed quite quickly, and generally dislikes those type of people.

I’m not bashing your MIL, I’m sure she’s nice but seems she really doesn’t get it. If she told your DD she was disappointed in her reaction that will only contribute to her feelings of self loathing. Again, something my DS really struggles with. He may react in similar ways to your DD in moments of overwhelm, then spend hours afterward upset and saying how awful he is and wishes he was dead.

MIL does fuss over her grandchildren- there’s an expectation that we will see her when they are here - though Dd doesn’t come for the Sunday lunch usually. The cake was brought over today because DH’s children aren’t here on dd’s actual birthday. I think I made it worse by talking to MIL about how Dd was obviously enjoying the cake (she’d cut herself a HUGE slice) and that was the point where Dd reacted unfortunately.

When Dd first came in, she said that because it was her birthday, it was her cake and no one else could have it.

I sometimes read these type of threads and think that the parents are making excuses for their child and letting them get away with things. I absolutely don’t feel like this is what you are doing here. It sounds like you are doing a great job of making your daughter feel safe and you sound lovely.
Let’s face it, most 15/16 year olds struggle with their emotions and can lash out and act with bad behaviour. Your dd not only has to deal with this but also the fact that she is nd which is an added complication and newly diagnosed too so still coming to terms with it.

I don’t have any advice I’m afraid but I just wanted to say that you sound like you are doing your best and that as time goes on I’m sure things will get better as you both learn how to manage things or just don’t do things that may cause her upset. I actually feel really sorry for her, she must be struggling so much at the moment and I hope that she is coping better soon. I actually think it’s really good that your dd apologised and that should be the end of it now and that your mil could be a little more considerate as she obviously has more insight into your family life for you and your dd @Atypicaldancer

Actually I’ve just read that your mil brought the cake over on a day that isn’t your dd’s birthday just so she could see her grandchildren and they could have some. Actually, that’s a bit shitty and comes across as not being for your dd at all!

If she doesn't like people who aren't family being in her space ir socialising with them, does she not have friends? Would she not wat a friend in her house either?

If she understands the concept of a friend, could you put MIL into that framework?