To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

[quote ldontWanna]@OnlyAFleshWound that can also happen when the adults around them refuse to acknowledge that these women and girls are developing their sexuality and related needs and insist on treating them like children. Often shaming them or doing the "lock'em up and throw away the key" or refusing to acknowledge it's happening and to discuss it and what options are there.That makes it a lot easier for a predator to take advantage of the need for secrecy and use it to their own advantage.[/quote]
Sure, I'm not saying I have all the answers.

I feel uncomfortable with encouraging/allowing a 15-yr-old child to have a sexual relationship, who by the OP's own description has the emotional maturity of a 9-year-old.

I would hope there would be a middle ground between total permissiveness and shame/'lock em up and throw away the key'. But I'm not saying I know exactly what that would look like or how to manage it.

In my family when something similar happened, it was definitely a case of the girl being taken advantage of.

My Dsis is autistc and would have outbursts similar, 10 years on she will still have a melt down but they're usually less likely to be to people's faces. So in this scenario for her, she might go tell me or my DM, what she thinks of so and so supposed to to their face.

I think you have to accept that she will do things like this, similar to the way you just except todlers throw tantrums sometimes!

The boy is the same age, also has autism and they met at school. I know him well and he’s very respectful of Dd. I appreciate that doesn’t mean he’s not taking advantage but they’ve been together a year, he’s met the wider family and she’s going to see him anyway. So my priority is making sure she’s safe - she has been to the GP - we discussed contraceptive options etc. She is emotionally immature, but she isn’t 9 and the truth is that disabled people and people with a low IQ do have relationships. It’s pragmatism rather than permissiveness.

@OnlyAFleshWound in that case did the girl's parents know the boy well,met him,had him around the house etc? Was there open communication about sex,consent,communication? Did the DD tell them when she started having sex and felt free and comfortable to talk about her relationship without any fears?

You don't have to answer ofc as the questions are terribly intrusive. But that tends to be the middle ground allowing some freedom but with open lines of communication on both side and parental input(such as getting to know the boy, taking the time to talk about consent,sex,contraceptions,good relationships,respect etc and facilitating protection if/when needed).

Of course things can still go wrong (just like In a relationship between NT teens) but trust,communication and knowledge are normally protective factors.

@Atypicaldancer

The boy is the same age, also has autism and they met at school. I know him well and he’s very respectful of Dd. I appreciate that doesn’t mean he’s not taking advantage but they’ve been together a year, he’s met the wider family and she’s going to see him anyway. So my priority is making sure she’s safe - she has been to the GP - we discussed contraceptive options etc. She is emotionally immature, but she isn’t 9 and the truth is that disabled people and people with a low IQ do have relationships. It’s pragmatism rather than permissiveness.

I think to not facilitate, would lead to more potential for your DD to be vulnerable and exploited. As clearly she is going to look to form those sort of relationships regardless

think it's responsible parenting. Good for you OP, and you should be delighted your DD feels like she can have these conversations with you.

The good thing about dd’s autism is that she will be very honest with me about this sort of thing

Just feel a bit low tonight for some reason. It’s hard. Feel like I’m slipping into blackness. It’s hard trying to manage things and manage dd in social situations. Anyhow, I’ll probably feel better in the morning.

You could just leave her to make her own choices in life. And not over think what her future holds. It's good she seems to have your support. But being overly concerned. Could lead you to be over analizing aspects and scenarios before they happen. It's good she has open communication with you and trusts you enough to share her thoughts and feelings.

I really understand. Look, I have autism and I do things that embarrass others (and myself ) and my 14 yo is autistic and does the same. It is ok to feel embarrassed, it's normal.

Does MIL understand about autism? I think you'd feel less bad in these situations if others understood. Was MIL upset? It was lovely of her to bake a cake.

Going forward with your teen she is of an age where you can be completely honest. Explain about the social pressure you felt to get her to say thank you. Ask how it made her feel when you did. Make a plan as to the best way to deal with these situations going forward. While it wasn't her fault she reacted like that and it certainly doesn't make her a bad daughter, she is probably just as keen to deal with situations in the best way possible so she doesn't end up feeling bad. It is so difficult to deal with splitting. Once someone is in the 'bad' camp it can be so difficult to feel anything else.

Would you mind telling me what therapy she is having?

She’s having CBT with a psychotherapist who specialises in social/communication difficulties.

I don’t think MIL understands really, but DH has tried to explain.

@Atypicaldancer

Just feel a bit low tonight for some reason. It’s hard. Feel like I’m slipping into blackness. It’s hard trying to manage things and manage dd in social situations. Anyhow, I’ll probably feel better in the morning.

Please ignore all the idiots. They really do not have a clue. You sound like you really know your child. Of course you don't punish her! You are doing brilliantly. And she can tell you to fuck off because you are her safe place.

It can be incredibly difficult parenting a SEN teen. And it really sounds like she is going through a lot now. Please, please remember to take care of yourself. You are important too. Have you spoken to anyone about feeling low. It is ok to acknowledge this is hard for you too and to ask for help.

@Atypicaldancer

She’s having CBT with a psychotherapist who specialises in social/communication difficulties.

I don’t think MIL understands really, but DH has tried to explain.

Thank you for that. I think my teen may benefit from therapy too.

That's great that your DH has explained even if she doesn't quite get it.

Sounds like your on top of things with therapy. They have a magic touch that will help her thrive and survive any situation.

Other posters are right you might need therapy yourself for feeling so low.

@UndertheCedartree

I really understand. Look, I have autism and I do things that embarrass others (and myself ) and my 14 yo is autistic and does the same. It is ok to feel embarrassed, it's normal.

Does MIL understand about autism? I think you'd feel less bad in these situations if others understood. Was MIL upset? It was lovely of her to bake a cake.

Going forward with your teen she is of an age where you can be completely honest. Explain about the social pressure you felt to get her to say thank you. Ask how it made her feel when you did. Make a plan as to the best way to deal with these situations going forward. While it wasn't her fault she reacted like that and it certainly doesn't make her a bad daughter, she is probably just as keen to deal with situations in the best way possible so she doesn't end up feeling bad. It is so difficult to deal with splitting. Once someone is in the 'bad' camp it can be so difficult to feel anything else.

Would you mind telling me what therapy she is having?

You are doing brilliantly. And she can tell you to fuck off because you are her safe place.

I agree with you overall, @UndertheCedartree, but I personally don't think anyone has the right to say fuck off like that. She needs to find other ways to express her frustration. One of my friend's son's (also ND) swears at his Mum, it's horrible to hear. There are other words to use when you're stressed and frustrated.

Hi Op. I'm struggling with my asd child's need to control the whole house, you post struck a chord.

It sounds like you are making fab progress as dd articulated how she was feeling even if it does read like a list of everything she thinks you did wrong - know that feeling well.

I struggle to understand why my asd dc cant just be polite, say thank you and use manners - I know logically I'm being unreasonable to some extent - its a minefield for me.

I think its good that your dd has a healthy relationship with a boyfriend. She has a connection which is good for her mental health. She's taking the pill and you sensibly realise you cant stop her having sex.

@Atypicaldancer

MIL was ok when DH spoke to her - she just said she was a bit annoyed about the cake.

FFS can she not see that this is not all about her

MIL doesn’t quite get it.

@Cameleongirl - you misunderstand me. I didn't mean the DD has a right to swear at her mum but that she felt able to vent her frustration as she was in a safe space with a safe person, which is a good thing. Now, if OP has a problem with the words she used that is a separate issue. Personally, I don't mind swearing. They are just words to me that communicate something specific.

Hi @Atypicaldancer… my DD1 has also been newly diagnosed. (Although I have suspected for ages, it took a lot of fighting with DH who had head in the sand syndrome.) Like your DD, she is angry at the world as a result of her diagnosis and does not want this “difference”, but her response is only showcasing her symptoms. She does not feel safe or secure with her identity, but she needs to know that this diagnosis does not change who she is, or how you feel. It changes how she needs to learn to behave if she wants to live as an independent adult. You need to help her with this, and it’s hard work. You need to step up your boundaries, not compensate for her behaviour. She is going to have to learn to live in the real world, which will not accommodate for rudeness. You need to call her on this - calmly and in the moment, and there must be consistent, meaningful consequences (which will be painful to you until she knows it’s going to keep happening). “That was really rude. You deliberately hurt X’s feelings and embarrassed me. I know you are aware of this. I am taking your phone for 24hrs and you are not seeing BF this weekend. I expect you to apologize and moderate your behaviour. If you escalate, I will keep the phone for a week and you will not be seeing BF for a month. Do you understand?”

My autistic DS is 7, and I struggle a lot with feeling responsible for his frank outbursts. He is struggling with my mum at the moment - she is increasingly frail and unwell, and his anxiety about this is making him say very rude things to her. And because she is frail, she's struggling not to react negatively. All very stressful.

I just popped back in because I realized that the tone of my last post sounded rather preachy. Didn’t mean to be. I suspect my post may have lost the the genuine empathy I feel in my attempt at brevity. I’m absolutely in the thick of this with you!!! 14 & 15 are absolutely the most challenging years with girls anyway (My DD1 is 17, and I also have a DD2 and a DS who are twins of 15 - hormones bloody everywhere!). I also neglected to tell you that the advice I posted above is from the specialist team she sees. (Clinical psychologist, specialist paediatrician - Australia, different medical system, but I am going private as she is in final year of school, etc…). My DD1 has become an absolute tyrant at home, but she is capable of masking those behaviours for those she considers of more value, ie, friends (she has no love interest atm). She does find it exhausting and takes it out on me mostly (the safe person), but this can’t continue as she is planning on leaving home for study next year, and if she wants to live in a share house, she won’t last long unless she can moderate her behaviour. She needs to acknowledge it first. It’s hard on us, but harder on her. My heart breaks for her, but this has to happen. (And yes, she is still capable of pulling my strings, because I’m human and am only just unraveling 17 years of patterning too.)

It sounds like MIL is trying to reach out and build a relationship with DD but I wonder if someone needs to gently explain that DD can only handle interacting with certain people and she needs to accept this for what it is.

@Justilou1 thanks for you response. That approach does not work with Dd.

Yes I think we will have to let MIL step back and she will come round in her own time or not.

I understand that you’re upset but it seems like you’re not really taking anyone’s advice. I completely agree that there are ignorant people here who don’t understand about autism but this isn’t really about autism, it’s about the family dynamics and the relationship between your DD and step grandmother.

I think you are not really acknowledging that you are anxiously trying to force the relationship between them and it’s backfiring. You basically caused this entire incident and completely set your daughter up to fail.

What you don’t seem willing to interrogate is why. Why do you need MIL to be close to DD? Why are you pushing them together? Even the flowers and gift to me seem like a bad idea. Over apologising doesn’t help MIL understand DD’s condition and reinforces the idea that she is just behaving badly which is not true.