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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men should have the right to not want a baby

999 replies

user57639206 · 23/02/2022 17:51

NC as I've been shot down a few times in real life for having this opinion.

I find it bizarre that women can decide that they don't want a baby and opt for a termination (just to clarify, I completely agree with this. It's her right to choice) but when a man decides now isn't the right time, right partner or whatever the reason - he's labelled a arsehole, good for nothing or irresponsible.

Surely if a woman has the right to say "no, not right now/not for me" a man should have the same right? Without being labelled or judged!

I've seen it a few times in real life, be it from a one night stand or a not so serious relationship. The woman wants to keep the baby, the man says he doesn't (but doesn't suggest an abortion), and he's thrown under the bus.

I know there is a big difference in some sense because obviously, the woman goes through all the physical changes/trauma of having a baby - but when are men then taken to court for CA or have knives shoved in their backs for not wanting a baby?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 24/02/2022 12:23

But in MN world, women failing on their responsibility, failing to protect herself against pregnancy, deciding to keep the pregnancy despite the man clearly not wanting the child, a d more often then not, expect tax payer support, are rarely judge for their decision.

You haven't been around long, have you. There is such a constant litany of criticism against women for having children that several posts asking for advice also contain the "and don't say 'why did you have a child with this loser' because he wasn't like this before i got pregnant"

Women are roundly, soundly and often unfairly criticised for exactly that.

Am guessing that OP pulled an all-nighter writing their ethics essay but will be back soon to tell us their grade (our grade, having done all the work for them)

malificent7 · 24/02/2022 12:23

My dds dad didn't want to keep dd but I couldn't go through with a termination as i was in love with her in utero.
I did realise that I would take full responsibility for her and was prepared to go it alone. I didn't pursue csa but he now voluntarily pays AND emails dd to keep in touch. He is also glad i kept her but is very hands off which suits all of us.

malificent7 · 24/02/2022 12:24

I have to add that he tried to pressure me into an abortion which is frickin unacceptable.

ButtercupOfFlorin · 24/02/2022 12:40

@UnevenBooks

You claimed women who don’t want babies they give birth to out them in the care system. That’s not how it works. There’s no hotline to call to say “take my baby”

Well, no, but you can start the process by informing social services that you do not want to care for this baby/can't care for the baby, and social services can then begin whatever work they need to do with mum, and find either suitable adoptive parents or foster parents, whatever.

Again that’s not how it works - social workers don’t take children off parents who just don’t fancy the job anymore
Ijsbear · 24/02/2022 12:47

eh, men are perfectly entitled not to want a baby.

Just do without sex.

If they want sex they have to be prepared for the consquences. If they aren't, they can shut right up, pay up and be involved.

Headabovetheparakeet · 24/02/2022 12:47

It's interesting that the focus here is on the interests of individual men vs individual women.

I think the stigma around this (or lack of) is actually about how this issue affects society overall, not the individuals involved.

It's really not beneficial for society to have women and children in poverty because the father has walked away. Unfortunately (in my view), the UK decided to tackle this through a terrible CM system and benefits.

Countries like the US, which does not want to provide benefits to people just forces men to pay for their own children.

Ijsbear · 24/02/2022 12:50

ofc, if you're really saying "men should have the right to sex but guarenteed no baby / consequences" then ofc the answer is no.

RedCandyApple · 24/02/2022 12:51

@Ijsbear

eh, men are perfectly entitled not to want a baby.

Just do without sex.

If they want sex they have to be prepared for the consquences. If they aren't, they can shut right up, pay up and be involved.

Might be forced to pay but can’t be forced to “be involved”
Allsorts1 · 24/02/2022 12:52

@ChocolateMassacre your’s is the most sensible argument and is really the truth of the matter.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 24/02/2022 12:57

Yanbu. No one should force a woman to have an abortion but if a man doesn't want a child and he has used condoms etc then he should not be abused for it

Bakewelltart987 · 24/02/2022 12:57

@user57639206

At what point did I say she should be forced to abort? Maybe re-read and engage your brain?

My point is if he doesn't want to have a child either at all, or right now, surely he should be allowed to walk away without a stigma? Just as a woman rightly can abort without stigma

My ex didn't want my dd and made it clear from start. I made the decision to keep her and do it alone. I respected his decision locked the door when he left and have never contacted him again. I don't think anything bad off him as I get were your coming from. I do wonder tho how he can go day to day knowing he has a dd out their but then again he's probably forgotten he does.
CaptSkippy · 24/02/2022 12:58

It's not the same for woman because rape-rates are on the rise all around the world. Even if women said no to sex they would still end up pregnant, because too many don't care about what a woman wants.

So why should we care what men want? Men who think they can punish their offspring for their own damn mistakes can go cry in their beers.

TheKeatingFive · 24/02/2022 13:00

but if a man doesn't want a child and he has used condoms etc then he should not be abused for it

I don't think anyone's saying he should be abused for it. Rather that the right of his child to be supported trumps his right to consequence-free sex.

ChocolateMassacre · 24/02/2022 13:03

@Allsorts1. Thanks - I just don't get why so many people are happy to deny the independent rights of the child.

This isn't a battle between the mother and father to determine which of them has behaved irresponsibly and should therefore be 'punished' financially.

It is about ensuring that the child is supported (or at least that the child's right to support is legally recognised).

CurtainTroubles · 24/02/2022 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Didyousaynutella · 24/02/2022 13:09

wanttomarryamillionaire She can get tablets sent. It’s that easy. It’s something and nothing!!! That’s a disgraceful attitude.
I myself have worked in termination clinics dealing with pregnancies further down the line. To suggest women should just put up an shut up and get on with having an abortion to appease men is everything that is wrong with our society.

Brefugee · 24/02/2022 13:12

but if a man doesn't want a child and he has used condoms etc then he should not be abused for it

I don't know what people want here. First it's equality. Fine. If a man doesn't want a child he doesn't. But a woman doesn't want a child and her contraception fails she's stuck with difficult decisions. That isn't equal.

ILoveYou3000 · 24/02/2022 13:15

@vivainsomnia

Whataboutery. Start a thread about that if you want to talk about it Why? It's perfectly relevant to the discussion. Men are expected to pay for 18 years of their 'mistake', why can't women pay the one off payment for theirs?
Does that extend to women who have been raped or sexually coerced and ended up pregnant? How about those who are pressured into the abortion by abusive men?
BurntO · 24/02/2022 13:17

YABU. Sex = babies. We all know this. Woman have final say because it is THEIR body. Men can never be equal in this scenario and nor should we try and make allowances for them to be so, when society still puts men on a pedestal for the bare minimum while woman are still the underdog. It’s not like men go into it blindly not knowing the potential consequences

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 24/02/2022 13:18

@TheKeatingFive

but if a man doesn't want a child and he has used condoms etc then he should not be abused for it

I don't think anyone's saying he should be abused for it. Rather that the right of his child to be supported trumps his right to consequence-free sex.

Not if he didn't want it. He should be able to walk away
TheKeatingFive · 24/02/2022 13:20

He should be able to walk away

So the child suffers instead? No, that sounds like a dreadful approach.

ChocolateMassacre · 24/02/2022 13:22

The child didn't have any choice in who conceived them. The father at least had a choice in who he had sex with and what contraceptives he used.

Why should the father be able to walk away from the child?

If you're looking for fault, the father is clearly more at 'fault' than the child in this situation.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 24/02/2022 13:23

What would he do then be forced to pay for and have contact with a child he didn't want. But a woman can have an abortion when a man might have wanted the child. I completely understand a woman has to carry and give birth so it's not all as easy as that but I think some men do get a bit of a raw deal sometimes.

WindyState · 24/02/2022 13:23

"He should be able to walk away"

Why? It's his child, he has a responsibility to the cost and time required to bring that child up.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 24/02/2022 13:24

The child didn't have any choice in who conceived them. The father at least had a choice in who he had sex with and what contraceptives he used.

I agree but no contraceptive is 100% effective