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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men should have the right to not want a baby

999 replies

user57639206 · 23/02/2022 17:51

NC as I've been shot down a few times in real life for having this opinion.

I find it bizarre that women can decide that they don't want a baby and opt for a termination (just to clarify, I completely agree with this. It's her right to choice) but when a man decides now isn't the right time, right partner or whatever the reason - he's labelled a arsehole, good for nothing or irresponsible.

Surely if a woman has the right to say "no, not right now/not for me" a man should have the same right? Without being labelled or judged!

I've seen it a few times in real life, be it from a one night stand or a not so serious relationship. The woman wants to keep the baby, the man says he doesn't (but doesn't suggest an abortion), and he's thrown under the bus.

I know there is a big difference in some sense because obviously, the woman goes through all the physical changes/trauma of having a baby - but when are men then taken to court for CA or have knives shoved in their backs for not wanting a baby?

AIBU?

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 23/02/2022 20:29

Once a baby is here, that baby is a person with rights. Rights to know both parents. And the man has a responsibility to that baby, whether or not he would have chosen for it to be born. So, no. The man doesn't just get to walk away.

Men can and do walk away all the time and have nothing to do with their children

TravellingFrom · 23/02/2022 20:30

He could, indeed... but the emotional blackmail would wear him down eventually.

What you are describing @RobinRedbreasts would be emotional abuse though.
I’d have hoped this was not what we were talking about here.

TheWeeDonkey · 23/02/2022 20:31

@LittleGwyneth Options available for men who don't want to become fathers;

Condoms: Cheap or even free from STI Clinics. Also protect against sexually transmitted infections (double win)
Vasectomy: comparatively safe and effective, also reversible if necessary
Abstenance: Which is a great option for men who don't want the hassle of interacting with women (there seem to be quite a few of them according to this thread)

TravellingFrom · 23/02/2022 20:32

@RedCandyApple

Once a baby is here, that baby is a person with rights. Rights to know both parents. And the man has a responsibility to that baby, whether or not he would have chosen for it to be born. So, no. The man doesn't just get to walk away.

Men can and do walk away all the time and have nothing to do with their children

Which probably shows that the OP’s point is only rhetorical really.

But a good question still on an ethical POV.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 23/02/2022 20:32

I agree op but you will get shot down in flames on here! Its all equal responsibility on here until it comes to that! A man can take precautions because he doesn't want a child but if it fails he gets absolutely no choice in the outcome, it's appalling!

CaptSkippy · 23/02/2022 20:33

The sheer number of MRA's and their handmaidens on this foruim is absolutely gross.

It's not okay for men to "pump & dump". If you want to have "your fun" there are consequences. There are consequences for both sexes, just very different ones.

Needing an abortion is one consequence. It's like having teeth pulled. No one likes it, but you do it to avoid worse. Men will never have to worry about this, but are they financially responsible if their "fun" results into a child.

Be a fucking grown up and deal with it.

Anythingbutsnow · 23/02/2022 20:34

We never tell women if they really, really don't want a baby they shouldn't have sex. But not having sex is the only way to 100 percent guarantee not having a baby. We would never say to a pregnant woman who doesn't want to be pregnant that she shouldn't have had sex, or even that she should have used contraception.

Pumperthepumper · 23/02/2022 20:35

@Anythingbutsnow

We never tell women if they really, really don't want a baby they shouldn't have sex. But not having sex is the only way to 100 percent guarantee not having a baby. We would never say to a pregnant woman who doesn't want to be pregnant that she shouldn't have had sex, or even that she should have used contraception.
Pregnant women have an option that men don’t though.
TheWeeDonkey · 23/02/2022 20:35

@Anythingbutsnow you might not do but plenty of people do

Anythingbutsnow · 23/02/2022 20:38

This honestly not meant to sound self righteous and I'm not religious or old fashioned. I didn't have sex for years and years because I knew I really did not want to get pregnant during that time. I really did wait until I met someone who wanted a child and I knew would stick around, which he did. To me it just made sense not to put myself, any man or innocent child in that situation.

YoBeaches · 23/02/2022 20:39

And as for saying he should wrap it up, or not have sex. Do you say the same about women who have unplanned pregnancies? That's it's their fault for having sex in the first place and they should have used all the contraception?

Yes exactly that. If you don't use your own contraception appropriately , be prepared to deal with the consequences.

Contraception failures do happen, granted, but not nearly as often as people like to claim.

Responsibility has to sit somewhere.

ceramicheart · 23/02/2022 20:40

@RealBecca

HIS CONTROL ENDS WHEN THE SPERM LEAVES HIS BODY. HE HAS NO RIGHTS OVER HER BODY. ITS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD.

ABSTAINING IS THE ONLY 100% WAY TO NOT HAVE A BABY.

This is quite a chilling statement. I pity you
EezyOozy · 23/02/2022 20:41

If you don't want to make a woman pregnant, do not let your spermatozoa enter her vagina.

ReadtheFT · 23/02/2022 20:43

@KeyWorker

YABU.

A man can choose not to have sex if he does not wish to become a Father.

Same for the woman surely
ReadtheFT · 23/02/2022 20:44

@hassletassle

If you don't want to make a woman pregnant, do not let your spermatozoa enter her vagina.
If you dont want to get pregnant dont allow a penis in your vagina... Doesnt sound right does it. Are you never allowed to enjoy sex because contraception might fail? It happens.
gwenneh · 23/02/2022 20:48

Are you never allowed to enjoy sex because contraception might fail? It happens.

You are -- you just have to accept that there are consequences, both physical and financial, due to the possibility of pregnancy.

If that is OK, then on you go.
If it is not, then you need to stop.

cinci · 23/02/2022 20:49

@ceramicheart

He has no rights over her body = a chilling statement?

Yikes

OfstedOffred · 23/02/2022 20:50

I think the issue is when men dont want a baby, yet leave it to someone else to sort contraception.

Condoms used properly are a pretty reliable form of contraception, there should be seriously few unwanted men getting partners pregnant using them.

DryOldCaper · 23/02/2022 20:53

I’m finding some of these arguments really insipid and don’t think they’re going to convince the OP at all.

Everyone’s saying men can just use contraception.

Confused

Contraception fails. All the time.

Newsflash: that’s why so many women have abortions.

It’s certainly why I had one.

The thought of continuing a pregnancy I 100% categorically knew I did not want was inconceivable (no pun intended), so I had an abortion.

I can therefore fully empathise with a man also feeling the same way as a result of a contraception fail.

Why is it OK for women to not want to go through with a pregnancy as the result of contraception failure, but not men?

It doesn’t make sense.

However, men have that tried and true option of simply walking away. Women don’t.

So, I’m not really going to lose any sleep over the fact that women ultimately get to choose what happens to their own body.

TravellingFrom · 23/02/2022 20:56

Same for the woman surely

@ReadtheFT, well that’s exactly what women are told.
And tbh they don’t need to be told because in reality, if a woman is pregnant, the consequence of that will ALWAYS be her responsibility.

Brefugee · 23/02/2022 20:57

All this 'if you don't want to get a woman pregnant, use a condom' stuff is very odd. I would never, ever, ever say that to a woman who had an unplanned pregnancy.

people say that all the sodding time. Along with "she should have kept her legs closed"

So.... if the couple are in a 'relationship' and presumably the risk of diseases is assumed to be moot. I wonder how many couples continue using condoms if the woman is on the pill or using other methods

We know that if you don't want a baby you have to take precautions. If you really really don't want a baby then belt and braces is the best method. For many many years i was adamant that i wasn't having children and was on the pill. But i was so adamant that i wasn't having children, we used condoms too. The chances of getting pregnant when using a condom correctly are really rather small. The chances of getting pregnant when on the pill are also small. Using both the chances are vanishingly small but not zero.

Which means that every time you have sex there is a chance that a baby might be the result (absent termination). I really don't think this is too difficult to grasp.

EezyOozy · 23/02/2022 20:57

A man can take precautions because he doesn't want a child but if it fails he gets absolutely no choice in the outcome, it's appalling!

What would be appalling is if men were able to force women to have abortions they didn't want; that is truly unthinkable.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2022 21:00

@user57639206

I think you're missing the point.

A woman gets pregnant : she doesn't want the pregnancy, she aborts. No one's calling her a arsehole, irresponsible or awful.

A woman gets pregnant : she wants to continue the pregnancy, the man doesn't and wants to walk away. He's called an arsehole, irresponsible or awful.

I AGREE it's a woman's right to do whatever the hell she wants to do with her body, I've done it twice! Once for medical reasons and the other because I just wasn't ready. But why can a man not have the same rights?

And as for saying he should wrap it up, or not have sex. Do you say the same about women who have unplanned pregnancies? That's it's their fault for having sex in the first place and they should have used all the contraception? Pretty sure that's a no.

The woman with the unplanned pregnancy has to deal with the consequences. She can't walk away.

So why should the man?

BobLep0nge · 23/02/2022 21:00

Why is it OK for women to not want to go through with a pregnancy as the result of contraception failure, but not men?

Because it's the woman that is risking the possibility of disability, mental illness or even death by continuing a pregnancy.

TravellingFrom · 23/02/2022 21:01

@DryOldCaper

Od course, contraception fails.
And yes whether you are a man or a woman you are allowed to be gutted, afraid, not wanting to be happening.

But an abortion is NOT a contraception method.
It is not ok to treat it as such. And the fact it’s not a contraception method is the reason why so many women hesitate so much about having a termination.