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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DD has her own cubicle (or one with a friend?)

134 replies

DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 17:10

My DD(8, nearly 9) has started swimming lessons in her school this term.

DD doesn't feel comfortable getting changed in front of all the other girls. I asked her do the boys get changed all together and she said no - they share cubicles with one other boy.

On the first week she asked and they complained at her for asking but eventually let her 15 minutes later as she was quite upset.

Second lesson her and one of her best friends asked together if they could share a cubicle with each other but the teachers said no and made them do it in the group.

There's about 9 girls in all and although DD has no specific body esteem issues she just doesn't feel comfortable and I think that should be respected 100%.

Would I be unreasonable to insist either DD gets a cubicle to herself or with a friend or I come and take her into one myself to help her? This will be a pain as it's the town over and I have a baby but I don't want my DD to already be told at this age that she has no right to boundaries.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Readerofwords · 23/02/2022 19:32

We have this swim/surf poncho. It's lovely and roomy. Plenty of space to get changed underneath it.

www.decathlon.co.uk/p/kids-surf-poncho-550-135-to-160-cm-etni/_/R-p-309929?mc=8574511

BeaLola · 23/02/2022 19:33

@BeaLola

When my DS was in primary and I helped as a volunteer we were given 2 group rooms - one for boys and one for girls

Not that it makes it right but am wondering if there were male teachers accompanying the children would the boys get the group area and the boys the cubicles ?

And the Girls get the cubicles it was meant to say
WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 23/02/2022 19:39

Changing towel was the answer for my dd.

Surely she has to change in front of everyone else at PE?

They don’t have to take their underwear off for pe though! And most schools are going in sports clothes on pe day due to covid.

GotheFtobed · 23/02/2022 19:41

I had the joy of taking year 5 swimming for a year, a much younger year group. Most children changed in the communal changing area (adults outside) but there were also 3 cubicles and any child not comfortable with this was allowed to change in a cubicle. I don’t think they should be forced to change in front of others if they feel uneasy.

mummykel16 · 23/02/2022 19:41

@DiscordandRhyme

My DD(8, nearly 9) has started swimming lessons in her school this term.

DD doesn't feel comfortable getting changed in front of all the other girls. I asked her do the boys get changed all together and she said no - they share cubicles with one other boy.

On the first week she asked and they complained at her for asking but eventually let her 15 minutes later as she was quite upset.

Second lesson her and one of her best friends asked together if they could share a cubicle with each other but the teachers said no and made them do it in the group.

There's about 9 girls in all and although DD has no specific body esteem issues she just doesn't feel comfortable and I think that should be respected 100%.

Would I be unreasonable to insist either DD gets a cubicle to herself or with a friend or I come and take her into one myself to help her? This will be a pain as it's the town over and I have a baby but I don't want my DD to already be told at this age that she has no right to boundaries.

AIBU?

All parents should insist on this
Cissyandflora · 23/02/2022 19:43

I think the best idea is show her how to get changed whilst keeping the towel around her. It’s a good skill and could help with shyness. Towel around top to take swimmers off and put t shirt on. Towel around waist to take swimmers off and put pants on. Then she is less likely to worry about it all. I’m not being critical or unsympathetic it’s just that in my many years of parenting I’ve realised I have over complicated so many things. And worried unnecessarily over so many issues. Of course if your daughter wants you to speak to the teacher or to come with her that’s fine and I’d do it. But if she can get on and manage the changing herself I would encourage this.

jellybeanteaparty · 23/02/2022 19:43

Change towels often advertised as surf robes and therefore can be quite cool and useful for beach trips

WombatChocolate · 23/02/2022 19:43

I’m sure it’s to do with practical matters.

Those who say it is criminal to make students change communally in this day and age, will be helping to push schools to reduce or end school swimming, because it just won’t be viable.

As others say, schools are not usually the only users of the pool and there are limited spaces or options available. Sometimes boys and girls will have different facilities…just because the same facilities can’t be made available to both. It’s not a discrimination thing in all liklihood.

If at all posssible, the best solution to this would be a discussion with school about your daughter feeling self conscious. Rather than being critical of the changing arrangements, ask if they have any suggestions to help her. If there are different room options they will know, plus they will know what staffing they have available for supervision and if they can offer something different or just can’t. They might also suggest the poncho towel etc. I’m sure they will try to accommodate your DDs concerns and help her…..within the realms of what is practical at the given location.

Sometimes limited alternatives are available because of staffing and the facility itself. People have to appreciate that rarely will schools be using a pool where multiple surplus to requirements changing rooms are available, plus staffing supervision requirements will (rightly) be strict and tight for safeguarding purposes. So what a child or parent might ideally like might not always be possible. That’s why it’s good to consider simple solutions like the poncho too.

And definitely approach it as a discussion not a criticism. The school hasn’t done anything wrong. The fact boys and girls possibly (and you won’t know unless you talk about it with school and get some facts not hearsay) have different facilities isn’t an issue…if there’s only one area with private changing rooms, why shouldn’t it be boys to have it. Again it could well be due to practicalities and the no of boys suit that area, whilst the no of girls work better for the communal area. These practical issues are often the driving force dertemining what is happening, rather than some desire to treat boys and girls differently, or to insist girls change communally purely for its own sake.

Some people seem quick to see ‘wrong’ and to feel cross or offended very quickly and to want to complain rather than to try and understand what’s going on and communicate and discuss instead of criticising. It’s not a helpful or conducive mindset. Instead, starting from the point the school is probably doing it’s best and has reasons for why things are happening as they are, is probably more helpful and as an approach likely to lead to productive discussion with positive results all round.

Cissyandflora · 23/02/2022 19:45

@GotheFtobed

I had the joy of taking year 5 swimming for a year, a much younger year group. Most children changed in the communal changing area (adults outside) but there were also 3 cubicles and any child not comfortable with this was allowed to change in a cubicle. I don’t think they should be forced to change in front of others if they feel uneasy.
That sounds like a good system. Good to have an option of a cubicle but not to make an issue of it. Year 5 is 9/10 as ops child isn’t it?
Bibbidybobbidybooboo · 23/02/2022 19:47

Get, or make, a changing robe - basically a giant poncho made of beach towels, that's what I did for my kids.

Hippee · 23/02/2022 19:48

It's probably a numbers thing. My friend was chaperoning a dance show and one parent asked for her child to change separately. It meant that one child took half of the helpers for the group. Have they asked for parent helpers? I think you should volunteer if so.

strawberryapricotpie · 23/02/2022 19:48

@Santaslittlemelter

Get her a towel she is able to change in, like a poncho but enclosed.

I’d not be too pleased about either of my dds feeling so uncomfortable with other girls catching a glimpse of their body while changing. I’d be teaching them it’s totally and utterly normal to be partially dressed and even nude in some situations.

Body autonomy and good body confidence should BOTH be important. She’s acting like this because she’s been over taught about autonomy and now she’s ashamed.

WTAF did I just read???
MissMaple82 · 23/02/2022 19:48

Somebody mentioned a tankini. Only full swimming costumes are allowed. I remember as a child feeling the exact same way, unfortunately they can't make allowances for one child as then that is obviously unfair treatment and would have to make allowances for all. I think it's just part of growing i'm afraid, I'm not sure it's something that can be respected. Either that or don't swim.

Pinkyxx · 23/02/2022 19:50

Get her to wear her costume under her uniform to go and teach her to pull her skirt on and wrap a towel round her top and roll her costume off underneath it.

My DD had this issue in year 5 and ended up being exposed half naked to the boys in her class (largely due to lack of supervision and a spiteful girl in her class who thought it was hilarious to shove her though the door into the part the boys were changing in with only her knickers on). Above was my solution.

Wrinklefree · 23/02/2022 19:52

Are the boys on the male changing rooms and the girls in the female 1’s?

SeasonFinale · 23/02/2022 19:55

Maybe just maybe it is female member of staff supervising the boys hence the need for them to use cubicles.

PosyBoo · 23/02/2022 19:57

My DD8 is the same, feels uncomfortable changing in front of others. She’s a regular swimmer so I invested in a towelling dryrobe (sorry if one has already been suggested) It’s huge so will hopefully last a long while but being so oversized also means that it’s nice a long so she really can just remove her arms and change completely underneath it. Certainly sorted the issue for us ☺️

STARCATCHER22 · 23/02/2022 19:59

To clarify, you think it’s unusual that a teacher might not be comfortable seeing children of the opposite sex naked unless they’re secondary school age. Seems a little odd to me.

I completely agree that your DD shouldn’t have to change communally if she is uncomfortable but please don’t make out it’s odd for the female teachers to not be comfortable seeing male students naked. I would assume you would not be happy for a male teacher to see your daughter naked.

Wheelz46 · 23/02/2022 19:59

This is a really difficult one, the sports centre my son attended with school was the opposite issue.

There was a communal girls changing room but lots of cubicles that the girls were allowed to go in as there was sufficient rooms for each girl. However in the boys changing rooms there was not enough cubicles and a couple of the boys felt uncomfortable getting changed in the communal room (including my son). I spoke to school about it and they said as there was no additional needs they couldn't let them use the cubicles because if every kid might want to do the same if they see others using them.

I ended up buying him a poncho towel, he wasn't too impressed with it but preferred it to the alternative.

ldontWanna · 23/02/2022 20:00

@MissMaple82

Somebody mentioned a tankini. Only full swimming costumes are allowed. I remember as a child feeling the exact same way, unfortunately they can't make allowances for one child as then that is obviously unfair treatment and would have to make allowances for all. I think it's just part of growing i'm afraid, I'm not sure it's something that can be respected. Either that or don't swim.
Being naked in front of others when you don't want to be is not part of growing up. Children's privacy and boundaries is definitely something that should be respected.
BoredZelda · 23/02/2022 20:01

Unfortunately even so young there have been occasions where some of the boys in the class have asked girls to show them their boobs when getting changed for PE. None of them have boobs yet but that's besides the point.

I assume this was swiftly dealt with by staff.

Liveandkicking · 23/02/2022 20:10

Having supervised lots of children getting changed at swimming pools over the years as a teacher, it’s probably for purely practical rather than sexist reasons.

I think you be much better off finding a good towelling coat or towelling poncho because likely the school just won’t be able to accommodate your request.

Original poster
DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 20:11

@Spud1130

Rather than a poncho towel which she'd probably struggle to get a top on with, without having to take it off, what about a strip of velcro across the top of her normal towel? She can wrap it round and secure with velcro, pop her bottom half on, pop her top over the top, pull it down and unfasten the towel. No exposure needed.
That's an idea - thank you.
OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 23/02/2022 20:12

If they have access to 6 cubicles and there are 25 children in the class and each takes 4 minutes to get changed then you are looking at 25 minutes before and after each class for every student to get changed.

It makes sense that the same sex kids as the teacher changes in the bigger room under towels for privacy and the opposite sex kids get the cubicles. Swimming is an essential life skill and not all parent can afford or take their kids to lessons so swimming is school is important. I would hate to see it stopped because parents are complaining about all kids need their own cubicle or the school is violating their rights.