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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DD has her own cubicle (or one with a friend?)

134 replies

DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 17:10

My DD(8, nearly 9) has started swimming lessons in her school this term.

DD doesn't feel comfortable getting changed in front of all the other girls. I asked her do the boys get changed all together and she said no - they share cubicles with one other boy.

On the first week she asked and they complained at her for asking but eventually let her 15 minutes later as she was quite upset.

Second lesson her and one of her best friends asked together if they could share a cubicle with each other but the teachers said no and made them do it in the group.

There's about 9 girls in all and although DD has no specific body esteem issues she just doesn't feel comfortable and I think that should be respected 100%.

Would I be unreasonable to insist either DD gets a cubicle to herself or with a friend or I come and take her into one myself to help her? This will be a pain as it's the town over and I have a baby but I don't want my DD to already be told at this age that she has no right to boundaries.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 18:31

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

DD is 7 nearly 8 and is also uncomfortable getting changed around the other kids, they still get changed for PE all together boys and girls in the classroom.

I send her into school in her PE kit on PE days, so far school haven't raised it as an issue, if they do then I'll explain. On swimming days we have a Towelling Poncho from Next that she can get changed under. I bought it deliberately in a size way too big so she'd have room to manoeuvre.

The other change that made a big difference was buying pants for her in a shorts style so she has more coverage. Once she's in those she says it's fine and she doesn't need the towel anymore.

www3.next.co.uk/style/st786150/785021#785021

Pants like these

www3.next.co.uk/style/st766523/841505#841505

Unfortunately even so young there have been occasions where some of the boys in the class have asked girls to show them their boobs when getting changed for PE. None of them have boobs yet but that's besides the point.

Thank you for the links - I'll take a look and see if I can order one for next week.

It's comforting to know it's not just her. It certainly is a difficult one with changing bodies. Her best friend is much the same so it's definitely fairly common.

Glad it's easier for your daughter now.

OP posts:
Original poster
DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 18:32

@RandomDent

I used to take school swimming. I hate group changing rooms. However we only ever had behaviour issues in them with boys. I’d wager that’s the issue, unfortunately for your daughter. If it were up to me everyone would have individual or paired changing rooms (there is room for that at our local pool). Great idea for the poncho towel.
I definitely do have all the sympathy for the school as it must be a right pain to get it 'right' and it won't please everyone.

Definitely looking into the poncho towel.

OP posts:
Original poster
DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 18:34

@Wattleanddaub

Are the swimming teachers female/male or a mix? I've found some teachers have concerns about seeing pupils of the opposite gender undressed and might be using the cubicles to prevent that.

I was a bit surprised by it but then I'm not a swim teacher

I believe they are all female in this particular year group. The year above have a male teacher with them but on a different day.

I'd be surprised by it too. I can see why this may be more uncomfortable when secondary age and puberty is in full swing but having never taught it's hard to know how I'd feel in that situation.

OP posts:
cherish123 · 23/02/2022 18:34

There might not be enough cubicles.
Could she wear costume under clothes to minimise changing.

Filterphobia · 23/02/2022 18:35

I’m a teacher and have taken school groups swimming for years. We get instructed by pool staff to use the group changing rooms for boys and one room for girls. The public use the individual changing rooms. If a child was to ask to change in an individual changing room or told me they were self conscious being in the group room, which some have done previously, I always find them a changing room to go in. Although I do then have a staff member stand outside that cubicle as they are in the middle of the public changing area.

I would imagine it’s a staffing issue or logistics. Also it’s possible that the teacher thought if they let your daughter change individually they would have to let all the other girls if they ask too.

I agree having 15 boys in one changing room is likely being avoided due to avoiding potential behaviour issues.

I’m sure if you ask the school they will be able to accommodate her needs, it’s disappointing that she has expressed her concerns already and the teacher never took her concerns seriously.

Gowithme · 23/02/2022 18:35

At my dc's school only the reception/yr1's change in communal changing (all together m and f but on different sides of a wall), above that they all use cubicles.

Flutterby8 · 23/02/2022 18:42

I remember this being the case many years ago when I was at secondary school.
There is normally one large changing room reserved for schools. Pools dont have the facilities to allow the pupils to use a cubicle each as then they would also need a locker for their clothes.
If i remember rightly we left all of our belongings in the changing room and it was locked while we were in the pool.
It does stop kids messing about, getting left behind and encountering the public.

I hated changing in front of the rest of the class but remember getting dressed/undressed under a large towel which made me a bit more comfy.

TravellingFrom · 23/02/2022 18:53

Also it’s possible that the teacher thought if they let your daughter change individually they would have to let all the other girls if they ask too.

Very likely to be the answer.

But I find it interesting that it’s the girls who are asked to cope with feeling uncomfortable/find ways to protect themselves for other people’s view and not the boys.
You could easily argue that it is easier to have the girls in the cubicles because they won’t mess around there and will get ready. And have all the boys in view to be sure they get on with things (the biggest issue re swimming when dcs were primary age)

ancientgran · 23/02/2022 18:54

I don't think the situation with the boys is relevant, I mean would she suddenly be fine about changing infront of other girls if the boys didn't have cubicles. I'd just raise her issue with changing and leave the boys out of it.

Blossom64265 · 23/02/2022 18:59

She has the right to privacy. It doesn’t matter what the constraints are at the facility, your daughter should not be pressured to remove her clothing if she is uncomfortable. This is non-negotiable. Her boundaries need to be respected.

So work with the teachers to find a solution that allows your child to participate but that does not push her boundaries or disrespect her bodily autonomy. Do not back down on this. Your daughter needs to know that she is allowed to protect herself.

Peppaflavouredbacon · 23/02/2022 19:00

Some of these answers are ridiculous. If someone is old enough to ask for privacy especially regarding their body then they should have it. What does it teach her to say no

DietrichandDiMaggio · 23/02/2022 19:00

How is she supposed to go to the toilet as swimming is normally in the afternoon?

No it's not. Schools have swimming lessons at different times during the day, so may not be convenient to go in wearing her swimsuit if the lesson is not first thing, but if she is going swimming in the morning it's ok.

KarmaStar · 23/02/2022 19:03

Before asking on here you need to get all your information together,you can't hope for sound advice when people are relying on third hand information from an eight year old.

Grida · 23/02/2022 19:03

The fact that she would happily share with a friend suggests that this might be more about cubicle envy than anything else.

Bakewelltart987 · 23/02/2022 19:04

Maybe the boys use the cublics an girls don't as there's only 1 group changing room an to keep them separate this is the only way.

ldontWanna · 23/02/2022 19:07

@Grida

The fact that she would happily share with a friend suggests that this might be more about cubicle envy than anything else.
Being willing to share with a friend says nothing of a sort.

Wouldn't you be more comfortable naked in front of your best friend than your coworkers for example?

Also just because they're girls it doesn't mean that comments,stares,giggles or other uncomfortable situations can't or don't occur.

Would you really tell someone that if they're ok with one person seeing them naked that means they have to be comfortable with everyone seeing them naked?

Santaslittlemelter · 23/02/2022 19:09

Get her a towel she is able to change in, like a poncho but enclosed.

I’d not be too pleased about either of my dds feeling so uncomfortable with other girls catching a glimpse of their body while changing. I’d be teaching them it’s totally and utterly normal to be partially dressed and even nude in some situations.

Body autonomy and good body confidence should BOTH be important. She’s acting like this because she’s been over taught about autonomy and now she’s ashamed.

Mirw · 23/02/2022 19:11

Stand your ground. Your daughter's confidence and wellbeing is very important and the person in charge needs to know that.

balalake · 23/02/2022 19:14

Talk to the school and find out. Your DDs feelings are not unusual I expect, much as I wish no-one had such body issues.

queenMab99 · 23/02/2022 19:23

I am 70 now and still remember school swimming lessons as a nightmare, we did use cubicles in pairs, but they were tiny. I was very shortsighted, I had to leave my glasses in the cubicle, and invariably sat on them while getting dressed, (broke at least one pair per term) if I avoided that they would steam up, making me slow to get dressed, earning a detention for being last. I would have hoped things had improved in the last 60 years but it seems not.

misssunshine4040 · 23/02/2022 19:27

I actually can't believe they still put kids through this type of torture in this day and age.

Body confidence and issues are rife at that age and why just why should ANYONE be forced to change in a communal area.
It's awful.
We don't tolerate it as adults and we shouldn't be forcing kids

Bywayofanupdate · 23/02/2022 19:30

I don't think yabu but I would get her a changing towel, fairly reasonable. On amazon

Whatinthelord · 23/02/2022 19:31

I think ideally she should be allowed privacy if she is asking for it. I would talk to the school, at least then you can try to come to an agreement together.

Would a large overhead towel, or cheap version of a dry robe help? Then she could change under the robe.

idril · 23/02/2022 19:32

I think it's unfair too but... I do think it's a useful life skill to be able to get changed without revealing much to anyone.

My daughter hates changing in front of others but I've taught her how to do it without revealing anything. A big towel will help.

BeaLola · 23/02/2022 19:32

When my DS was in primary and I helped as a volunteer we were given 2 group rooms - one for boys and one for girls

Not that it makes it right but am wondering if there were male teachers accompanying the children would the boys get the group area and the boys the cubicles ?