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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7 week old staying away

140 replies

Wik944 · 22/02/2022 00:36

Is it okay to say no for my 7 week old baby to staying away an hour at his grandparents?

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 22/02/2022 09:45

The more I think about it the less I like it.
As soon as you say being apart from your baby overnight will be distressing and unpleasant for you the suggestion should be dropped like a hot brick.
There are so many ways they could have lovely time with baby in a way which is also kind to you. Coming round and taking care of baby while you have a snooze /bath.
Bringing you shopping and then cuddling baby while you put it away and have something nutritious to eat etc etc
This fixation on getting the baby to theirs and overnight so young is just off. I think if you allow it it will set a precedent you'll love to regret cos it sounds like they are sidelining your view and wanting you to mute your voice.

TopCatsTopHat · 22/02/2022 09:47

Well said AnneLovesGilbert

Thatsplentyjack · 22/02/2022 09:50

He can take you to court. No court will award him, never mind his parents overnight stays while the baby is 7 weeks old! He sounds like a complete twat and you should definitely get rid of him!

Staryflight445 · 22/02/2022 09:52

Let him take you to court. It’s just an empty threat.
You’re not comfortable sending your baby away for a night. Your parent in laws amount of children and capability are irrelevant, your child is yours and not hers.
Puppies don’t get separated from mum at 7 weeks old.

Food for thought op.

TopCatsTopHat · 22/02/2022 09:59

Yes, the ILs raised 5 children and now one of them is supporting them in trying to bulldoze a new mum into an unwanted situation. Way to go their parenting skills, give them a medal and hand them a tiny baby as a prize.

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 22/02/2022 09:59

I would never leave my seven year old with grandparents as you describe, much less a seven week old.

This is not okay op. None of it.

The pressure, the arguments etc - why on earth do they want to get their hands on your baby? Do you have your own family support?
I would pause his weekends with you and enlist for some proper help from close and trusted family and friends that can come and be with you. It sounds very dodgy.

Mrsmch123 · 22/02/2022 10:13

Of you don't want your baby to stay overnight then say no. My mum was the same with the whole I raised my children I know how to look after babies. I just said thanks but no thanks, I will let you know when we are ready for the him to stay out. We still haven't done it at 8 months. The most I've left him is to go to tesco on a Sunday morning. My baby my rules simple as that really.

StripyHorse · 22/02/2022 10:45

It's lovely that you want to see the baby, but we're not ready for baby to stay away overnight yet. Perhaps you would like to come down [date that suits you] to see them?

Or be more direct and ask why they want the baby to be separated from its mother for a night?

Tigersonvaseline · 22/02/2022 10:58

OP in a kind way thank them for their offer

Say at the moment it's not something you're comfortable with because he is so young however in a while, your sure you will take up their kind offer and get a much needed break.

FairWindClearSailing · 22/02/2022 11:01

Op, my DS is 19 months old. He hasn't stayed anywhere overnight so far. He still very much wants only me at night, and I still wouldn't want him anywhere else. Husband agrees. That's all that matters.

Don't do anything you're not comfortable with.

Wilburisagirl · 22/02/2022 11:24

This absolutely infuriates me. Whose interest is it in for them to have the baby overnight? Certainly not the baby's! The baby should be with its primary caregiver at that age, and if breastfeeding should most definitely not be separated overnight if unavoidable. If they want to spend more time with the baby, they need to come to you and spend time with the baby when near you.

ILoveYou3000 · 22/02/2022 11:37

So your bf only sees his son for two nights a week but wants you to send the baby to his parents for one of those nights?

Say no OP. You get to decide when you're ready to be apart from your baby. Right now all he needs and wants is you. Staying with your bf's parents is for them and them alone. It is of no benefit to your baby, or you. There's plenty of time in the future for sleepovers with their grandparents, but right now your baby's needs (being with you, their primary carer) come above their grandparents wants.

TopCatsTopHat · 22/02/2022 12:03

From babies point of view, all their instincts tell them being with mum is safety and not knowing where she/other primary care giver is can mean death. Just because we adults know they are safe doesn't mean you can communicate that to a baby whose instincts are shouting he needs mum. Separating them is stressful for baby.
Understanding about grandparents and sleep overs being nice comes with building up their bond gradually over time and with baby developing more awareness and understanding over time.
Your bf and ILs need to back off and stop giving you grief. I hope you have some rl support for this op cos I think their attitude stinks or they are really ignorant, either way they aren't being respectful.

yellowtwo · 22/02/2022 12:30

It's a 7 week old baby not a doll, of course you are not unreasonable OP.
The cheek of your partner to say he'll take you to court. Tell him he can come see his child in the evenings after work if he is so bothered.
As PP said if you say yes to this, even just to get them off your back, it'll become expected.

yellowtwo · 22/02/2022 12:31

It does sound dodgy Keepyourheadscrewedon
Who on earth pressure's a new mother to take her newborn baby away from her.

Gizacluethen · 22/02/2022 12:37

If he took you to court he wouldn't be awarded overnight visits with a 7 week old baby. For a reason. It is not the child's best interests. Simple as. Your baby doesn't want or need anyone but you.

They're an hour away. It's really not too far for a day visit. I travelled an hour yesterday both ways to meet some people at a soft play. It's really not that far. My DS is 9 months and I wouldn't let him have a night away unless I needed to like if I was I. Hospital

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2022 12:39

@Wik944

It’s my boyfriends parents they live an hour away and constantly nag me about my baby to stay there over night and I don’t know if I’m being over the top
You're not.

And no. They are unreasonable. Wouldn't consider it before a year and probably not then

Lindy2 · 22/02/2022 12:41

You do not have to agree to your child doing anything you don't want them to. This applies at any age and for any activity.

There's no way on earth my children, at 7weeks old, would be anywhere but with me.

TakeMe2Insanity · 22/02/2022 12:46

@Wik944

I don’t want to leave the baby they keep asking to leave him overnight which I ain’t ready but feel like they think I’m being over the top my boyfriends mom tell me she raised 5 children and she can look after him but I don’t feel like anyone understands when I say no
This answers your question, you don’t want to do it, so you say no! You are the mum you decide what is good for you and the baby.
HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat · 22/02/2022 12:52

It's up to you op. If you're not ready, that's fine. You will get some over the top replies on here, but it is nice for children to stay with grandparents as they grow up. It also means they won't be alarmed if they need to stay there for an emergency.
I grew up staying with my grandmother at least once a week and loved it. My boys have a great relationship with mil and stayed with her frequently. The younger one stayed with her from a very young age, but I trust her and was comfortable with it.
It does feel a bit odd the first couple of times, but a full night's sleep was nice too Smile

LIZS · 22/02/2022 12:56

Not sure why there are two separate threads. Just say no, not at the moment thank you. Do not engage in discussion or debate,

gamerchick · 22/02/2022 13:04

He can take you to court all he wants, he won't get anywhere.

Stick to your guns OP. You will know when you're ready.

I've never understand why grandparents are so desperate for alone time and overnights with a tiny baby. It's weird.

Chely · 22/02/2022 13:15

You can say no no matter how old your child is. Do what you are comfortable with.

Original poster
Wik944 · 22/02/2022 13:29

They’ve asked a couple times since he was born they would want him to stay

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/02/2022 13:29

I see that you have put him on the birth certificate, is that right?

If he is on the BC (and you are in the UK), you need to understand that he legally has equal parenting rights to you, regardless of the age of the child. What that means is that if he took it into his head to simply take the baby to his parents there would be nothing you could do about it as he has equal rights to the child. I am NOT saying this is right in any way or that he would be so terrible as to do that, I'm just saying you need to be aware of it.

My suggestion to you is, if you feel there is a danger of that happening that you go to court now and get access finalized. Especially because at this age no judge in his right mind would give your bf overnight access for such a tiny baby, especially if you are EBF. At the very least you need to seek legal advice. Do you have anyone, friend or family, who can help you with this?

My second suggestion is that you seriously reevaluate your relationship with him. He is prioritizing his parent's desires over your needs. Do you really want to have to deal with that and all that it entails for the rest of your life?