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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7 week old staying away

140 replies

Wik944 · 22/02/2022 00:36

Is it okay to say no for my 7 week old baby to staying away an hour at his grandparents?

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 22/02/2022 07:30

@Wik944

At first he had a go at me told me he’s gunna take me to court as we don’t live each other he only his son in the weekends as we live an hour away and he works but he don’t understand where I’m coming from
You need to clearer or you are going to get shit advice. Example:the numerous posts saying it's fine and they did it. They did it because they want to. You don't. It's totally different.

If you don't live together are you romantically together?
is he taking the baby each weekend?
It's really not clear...

he has no rights to overnight access for the baby at this age. You can refuse him and his parents access if you want. You are the mother.

Did you add him to the birth cert?

ilovepuppies2019 · 22/02/2022 07:31

The way that you've worded your update OP makes me wonder if you mean whether the baby should stay with DGP while your DP (exDP?) is there? You mentioned that he also lives hour/s away and was wanting to take you to Court over this. If your DP is with DGP then that would be different as the baby would primarily be with his DF. At 7 weeks, especially if you're breastfeeding, then I still would strongly object to the baby being taken away from your overnight but I can see that there would be a stronger argument. If it's just your MiL then stick with whatever you are comfortable with. Just say that you're not ready for the separation even thought you're sure that MiL would do an excellent job. Then repeat for years!

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 22/02/2022 07:34

You have every right to deny your child's grandparents custody of your child especially overnight and at this age.
It would be very distressing for you and your newborn so please don't do it.. They need their mother, please look up the 4th trimester.

LittleOwl153 · 22/02/2022 07:37

Tell BF to take you to court. Do not let baby out of your sight until you have a child arrangement order in place. Otherwise (assuming dad is on the birth certificate) he can refuse to return him. Which would be very traumatic all around.
If it is the parents in law pushing I'd be seeing alot less of them tbh.
Take care.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 22/02/2022 07:38

Bloody hell of course its ok to say no to a 7 week old staying elsewhere overnight without you, whether the people who want the baby live an hour away or ten minutes!

Your baby is not a toy everyone gets a turn with!

A seven week old baby belongs with their parents at night unless there's an emergency. It's still fourth trimester and really it's not in the baby's interest to be away from his or her mother for longer than the gap between feeds (a couple of hours max) unless unavoidable!

Say no.

My children didn't stay overnight without a parent until they could talk well enough for me to be sure they actually wanted to and tell me what they'd done. That might not work for everyone but it is absolutely not compulsory to give anyone your baby overnight, and the only people with a "right" to any contact are you and the baby's father - not grandparents.

sillysmiles · 22/02/2022 07:38

@NatriumChloride

If you’re asking here it means you’re uncomfortable with it. Just say no, OP.
Sometimes people ask MN because they think it's fine but someone else irl is making them doubt themselves.
Original poster
Wik944 · 22/02/2022 07:40

We are together we just don’t live together we’ve been getting in a lot of arguments due to this situation he only come down on weekends to see baby. He is on the birth certificate

OP posts:
BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 22/02/2022 07:42

sillysmiles she's said repeatedly that she doesn't want to leave the baby.

sillysmiles · 22/02/2022 07:42

@Wik944

I don’t want to leave the baby they keep asking to leave him overnight which I ain’t ready but feel like they think I’m being over the top my boyfriends mom tell me she raised 5 children and she can look after him but I don’t feel like anyone understands when I say no
This is very different to what I picked up from your OP. It's not that you are leaving him for an hour but leaving him overnight with people an hour away.

First scenario I'd say yes if you wanted a bit of time to do something yourself second scenario I'd say no, especially as you are uncomfortable with it.

KatyRebecca84 · 22/02/2022 07:42

No way.
You and your partner aren’t separated so he doesn’t have separate access. Grandparents have no rights. He’s 7 weeks not seven! Stand your ground.

Joystir59 · 22/02/2022 07:44

You are arguing with a 7 week old? Grin

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 22/02/2022 07:45

Wik944 you are fully within your rights not to let anyone take your 7 week old baby overnight. Even the baby's father would have no right to take the baby elsewhere overnight at 7 weeks old because it would never be ruled to be in the baby's interest at that age (as long as you attend appropriately to the baby's needs while he or she is in your care obviously).

HappyMeal564 · 22/02/2022 08:05

No he's not allowed. If you say he isn't he definitely isn't allowed

Gilly12345 · 22/02/2022 08:40

Your baby your choice.

Lulu1919 · 22/02/2022 09:02

It's up to you
I'd have loved an hour when mine was small ....but more that they would be here and I'd have a nice long bath with a drink and a magazine !!

Lulu1919 · 22/02/2022 09:04

Ah just saw the baby will be an hour away and they want baby overnight ....
Would have been too soon for me ...and trust me I was a mess at this stage ....but it's UP TO YOU !!!

TopCatsTopHat · 22/02/2022 09:09

That would be an absolute no from me. 7 weeks is so tiny, all they want is their mum. Baby will get zero benefit from this at that age and quite likely be rather distressed so it is purely to indulge their wishes and that's not the priority here.
I would day you are glad they are keen to have a relationship. Treasure them you will support that as the child grows but in the meantime his physical and emotional needs are existential and supplied by mum.
Read up on the 4th trimester if you want to arm yourself with confidence and the right language to use to push back against their pressure.
What is best for baby is top question and at 7 weeks old s sleepover at their grandparents isn't it!!!

babyjellyfish · 22/02/2022 09:19

@Wik944

We are together we just don’t live together we’ve been getting in a lot of arguments due to this situation he only come down on weekends to see baby. He is on the birth certificate
Whose surname does the baby have?
babyjellyfish · 22/02/2022 09:22

@HettySunshine

My il's lived about 10 mins from us and they didn't have any of my children overnight until they were about 5.

If you feel your baby is too young (and for what it's worth I think they are) then just say no. In fact, even better, get your boyfriend to say no and tell them to stop asking.

You are you baby's mother and you are absolutely valid to not want to be separated from your tiny baby.

Yeah.

My ILs live 10 minutes away and I trust them completely. They haven't had my almost one year old overnight and we have no plans to do that just yet.

They have only had my almost two year old nephew overnight once (they also live 10 minutes away) when his mum was giving birth to his little sister.

TopCatsTopHat · 22/02/2022 09:33

They are jumping the gun. Cute kids in onesies jumping on the bed like it's a trampoline in glee after some time with indulgent grandparents enjoy sleepovers.
Tiny babies do not.

MunchyMonsters · 22/02/2022 09:34

If you feel uncomfortable then the baby doesn't go.

TopCatsTopHat · 22/02/2022 09:37

My ILs wanted time with their grandchild and were too far away to visit for the day (6 hours), we didn't have room to accommodate so they got a b&b for the weekend and spent the days with us. That's reasonable.
They're only an hour away, why can't they call round and have some cuddles in the day!?
I've could help out while the other has time with baby. If you were my dil and were happy with help, I'd do the washing up and cover some housework for you while you rested and I would enjoy seeing you build your bond and recover while I took care of you and helped you both.
At this age and stage, if you want to bond with baby you also need to bond with mum. They're a package.

Hesma · 22/02/2022 09:38

An hour isn’t really staying away but you are his mother and need to do whatever you feel comfortable with so it is perfectly acceptable to say no

TopCatsTopHat · 22/02/2022 09:40

Subsequent updates clarify Op means they are an hours travel away and want the baby to stay over for a night. .

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2022 09:45

Not sure why so many people aren’t reading all of OP’s posts, there aren’t that many Hmm

OP, love, your feelings are completely healthy and normal. Stop caring what anyone thinks. Consider whether this relationship is serving you well and if someone who bullies a new mum is a decent boyfriend - he doesn’t sound like he is. His parents are just as crap. This is YOUR baby. If he’s going to keep being a dick then dump him and tell him to go to court for access. There is so judge in the land who’d grant overnight contact away from a mum with a 7 WEEK OLD BABY. It would never ever happen.

Stand your ground, say no, refuse to discuss it further, and I’d block his parents if they keep giving you grief. Your baby. You are the only one who gets to decide. Say no. Your baby only needs you.