To tell colleague to butt out over pronounciation issue?

[frustratedpomegranate]

Colleague A started in our team around 3 years ago. She has an uncommon first name and we asked her at the start how to pronounce it and she told us. I've heard her on the phone and interacting with other staff hundreds of times and we say it the same way she does.

Colleague B started about four months ago and when introduced to A, she said 'isn't your name pronounced XYZ'. Colleague A said no, she says pronounces it ABC. B said she knew someone else with A's name and insisted it was XYZ.

B continues to pronounce A's name the way she thinks it should be (its quite different to what the rest of us are saying) and frequently corrects the rest of us when referring to A. We have spoken to A about it but she's very non confrontational and says she doesn't mind B's insistence and doesn't want to speak to her about it. B has quite an aggressive personality and has been prone to outbursts in the office a few times in the short while she's been with us so nobody is really sure what to do.

Some people just won't be told that they're wrong.

I used to go to a college years ago that was named after the owner. The spelling made the pronunciation not immediately obvious, but the owner would introduce herself, so you then learnt how to say it.

Except some students never did - they would continue to pronounce the college's name the alternative way, DESPITE having met the owner and HEARING how it was pronounced.

Come to that, DS2's current school principal has a similar name - alternative options on how to say it - and people do the same with hers! It's like their eyes override whatever their ears told them - they "see" it and think "oh I must pronounce it X way", despite hearing Y way.

Rude, really.

@TheMissingMango

I'm petty, so I'd purposely pronounce colleague b's name wrong.

Me too! B sounds like a stupid bully.

Because A has said she doesn't mind B correcting everyone.

There's a good chance she is concerned that the bullying will escalate if she complains.

There's also a good chance that B will escalate her behaviour by bullying her more or starting to bully others. She is getting you accustomed to this behaviour so, when she escalates it, you are all less likely to react.

Please don't allow her to continue this completely unacceptable behaviour.

@WouldIwasShookspeared

I'd keep saying I think A knows how to pronounce her own name and you should be careful you don't come across as bullying.

^^ This, it is definitely a form of bullying. If you don’t want to upset A, perhaps speak to her Line Manager, over B correcting you and other colleagues, for calling A the correct name.

As an aside, if B is prone to aggression and outbursts after only 3 months working there, what will she be like when she has been there longer? She is a bully and should be reported every time she does this, so that her Line Manager has to deal with this behaviour.

It's not up to A to say she doesn't mind (and she's probably just trying to keep her head down).

It's not ok to bully someone just because they don't stand up for themselves. Isn't that exactly how most bullies select their victims?

B is saying this to you, so you have a responsibility to respond in a way that enforces normal, decent conduct. Not to do so is to make yourself complicit in B's bullying of A. It also grants B a get-out, so that if their manager ever says anything, they'll say 'but OP and everyone else understood who I was talking about and never corrected me, they know her name is version-x and well as version-y'.

I'll admit that I, too, would be likely to mispronounce B's name regularly just for the sake of it.
If questioned, I'd say "oh I thought this was what we're doing now - picking a pronunciation we like better than the person who has the name uses, and sticking with it?"

I've been asked if I'm "sure" that my name is spelled the way it is (Yes, thanks!) and regularly have an extra e added to my name in emails. I return the favour - add an e to their name too. Works in about 2/3 of cases!

@LaChanticleer

I feel for you colleague. Colleague B is being rude.

And compounding that by correcting the rest of you. When Colleague B corrects you, can you just laugh at her? Or maybe tell her directly that she is being rude.

It’s really not unusual for people to have names which can be pronounced differently:

Mar-ee-a and Mar-eye-a

Soph-ee-a and Soph-eye-a

Cheryl with a soft Sh or a hard Ch at the start

Marian and Maryanne

And so on ….

My name is one of these. I remember a Secondary school teacher lecturing me in front of the whole class when I was about 13 telling me I was pronouncing my own name wrong. Evil cow she was.

@Hoardasurass

B is setting herself up to be fired for workplace bullying and when B insists that other people join in with her she is actively creating a hostile working environment for A. This needs to be brought to the attention of your management immediately before it escalates any further

I completely agree with this - it's wrong to not speak up, even if A doesn't want to say anything.

B sounds like a complete bully and if the company don't act to stop this, they're leaving themselves open to a future claim from A for bullying and harassment (which could be particularly large especially if A also has protected characteristics & that's what's behind the bullying).

Regardless of a future potential claim, supporting A is the right thing to do - no one should have to put up with this in their work environment.

What a serious lack of imagination if B really can't fathom that names have more than one pronounciation ! My son's name is Mathias, in english-speaking countries he'd probably get called "Math-eye-ass" whereas in my culture it's pronounced "Matt-yass" and in the country where we live now they say "Ma-tee-ass". None of these are incorrect !

And incidentally even if colleague B was right about the standard pronounciation of A's name it's still rude not to call them what they want to be called.

That said I agree that if A's truly not bothered then I'd let it go (but still pronounce it properly and refuse to be corrected).

@WouldIwasShookspeared

I'd keep saying I think A knows how to pronounce her own name and you should be careful you don't come across as bullying.

This is the perfect wording!

Not the same but my nan done this-was told how to pronounce my name kept syaing it a different way-i just thught it meant she couldnt be bothered listening which wasnt great as a child

B is being silly

Next time she tries to correct you just say sorry B but A has made it clear she pronounces her name as xxx, and that’s been the way since she started yy years ago

I know you have a friend who pronounces it differently but we are not so rude as to insist on stating A’ s name incorrectly to how she wishes amd repeat every single time

B is bullying A. Who is the manager? They should deal with it.

I have an unusual Welsh first name, and recently realised that my family and I don’t pronounce it the usual Welsh way. I’m embarrassed that I’ve spent my life correcting people who were pronouncing it “the right way”. Oh well.

When the author Caitlin Moran adopted Caitlin as her first name, she thought it was pronounced Cat-lin, and that’s how she still pronounces it today.

B is rude and I would always pronounce A’s name the way A does.

As someone said upthread, this is a micro aggression and should be stopped. Any organisation worth its salt is now aware of this sort of behaviour and working with staff to eliminate it.

I have a common name which has many variations in different languages. I frequently meet people who use the version they are used to, and this genuinely does not bother me at all. I would not be complaining to HR about it, and I would not appreciate another colleague making a crusade of it when I have told them it doesn't bother me.

I'd take it to management privately because its the principle that is involved. I'd make it clear to management that A has said they don't mind and don't want to cause a fuss but its not good workplace behaviour and should not be allowed. If person B is customer facing or interacts with people outside the organisation then this with bells on.

When the author Caitlin Moran adopted Caitlin as her first name, she thought it was pronounced Cat-lin, and that’s how she still pronounces it today.

Is it not her real name?!

Never knew that.

It's Catherine isn't it?

B continues to pronounce A's name the way she thinks it should be (its quite different to what the rest of us are saying) and frequently corrects the rest of us when referring to A

“B, it’s embarrassing enough that you still can’t pronounce A’s name right, but trying to convince the rest of us to pronounce it wrong too just makes you look like a massive dick/workplace bully/complete tool”

@NewtoHolland

Next time B corrects you why don't you just take B aside and say something along the lines of...

No it's ............ As A herself pronounces it...after all it is her name.
I find it rude and disrespectful that you insist on your preference ...it's her name, and not your decision how it should be pronounced.

Perfect!

Keep pronouncing it properly. I went by Tracey for 8 years because I didn't have the balls to tell the person who misnamed me to stop it.

@TheMissingMango

I'm petty, so I'd purposely pronounce colleague b's name wrong.

Me too!!!

Hmm … depends on if it’s actually different or just dialect.

So Mia can be pronounced My-a or Me-a - they’re 2 different names, so if it’s this, then that’s absolutely unacceptable of person B.

Kieran - I pronounce Kee-ran, dh Kia (as in the car)-ran. That’s the same name but local/personal dialect/way of talking. So if it’s this, person B is not being unreasonable.

So I have this occasionally, but with my maiden surname which I still use for work. It's not an English surname and I pronouce it using the anglicised way my family (now two generations removed from the place of origin of the surname) have always said it. Technically, I believe we're saying it wrong. But that's not the point. It's my name, my choice to say it as my whole family do. Even if that's because our accent is now different / we've been doing it wrong for generations!

With all that said, I've never complained at work when people "correct me" or make a joke of it. My colleagues have never been as aggressive or persistent as B sounds. Although they do occasionally introduce me using the pronunciation they think is correct..... But it's absolutely not worth the bother to complain. I, and those who listen to me, say it the way I choose to and I choose not to be bothered by others opinions/mistakes. And B doesn't sound capable of change; so if calling her out will only cause grief, I'd want to avoid that in A's shoes.

So in that context, if A doesn't want B to be pulled up for mispronouncing her name because she doesn't mind, I wouldn't try to force the issue for her.

I would gently correct B every time she tried to call me out for not saying it as she does. But I would leave it at that. Micro agressions loose some of their power if we choose to ignore them. This seems to be how A wants to handle it. Support here should be empowering her choices, not make different ones because they seem better.

And, as satisfying as it would be, I wouldn't misprounce B's name either. She won't learn from that from the sounds of her; but she will get more aggressive. Better to rise above than provoke.