To work in a job I dislike for DCs?

[Pinkballoonsforaparty]

I keep going round in circles.

I’ve put ‘dislike’ in my OP, but I don’t absolutely loathe my job. I just find it stressful.

I can work PT but I also want to send DC to private school.

AIBU to work FT so DC have this opportunity?

Hmmm. Not sure I would, tbh, unless the state options are dire.

Private schools here are £6k/term, so just under £20k a year. Doing that for 2 kids means a huge amount of extra work. What if they hate it? Will you feel miffed if you slog your guts out to put them through private and they wind up with “ordinary” jobs?

What can you do with spare money if you aren’t paying for private school? Just work less, or work less plus holidays, extra curriculars etc?

I suppose the question is why do you want to send your DC to a private school?

Is it because your local state schools are not performing? Then I suppose it’s worth the sacrifice

Is it because you believe they will get a better education/opportunities there? These could be provided in other ways like tutoring and extra curricular clubs

I suppose it’s a balance that only you can decide based on your private school reasons

Personally I wouldn’t put my DC in private but that’s because I personally don’t agree with a two-tiered education system but that’s not your question.

Spare money would just mean spare money I suppose, it would mean I could work part time is the main advantage.

Once both DC are senior level all my salary would go on their education so we would “live” on DHs. But that would only be temporary too.

It’s a hard decision.

As to why private - I just believe this is best for them, for all sorts of reasons which can’t (imo) be replicated with private tutors and extra curricular.

If you go pt they will benefit from having a more relaxed, less stressed mother who is around to drop off/collect from school on some days, host after-school play dates or help with homework.

The money you save on fees will effectively buy 1:1 support and undivided attention from you on the days you don't work.

The only way the alternative makes sense is if your local schools are truly dire. Not normal state schools, dire.

"Once both DC are senior level all my salary would go on their education so we would “live” on DHs."

So choosing a state school would mean working part time, and your part time salary being available to buy extra support.

Unless the private school is a leading, recognised school I doubt it will buy your kids the advantage you think it will. My dc went to private schools and I have worked in them.

@twominutesmore - I would struggle to be able to work FT if we went down the state route. I don’t particularly want to advance in my career but if an opportunity came up it would restrict me.

Also FT brings with it better pension contributions, more money even if swallowed by school fees etc.

Working full time doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be able to help with homework or have play dates!

I wouldn’t. They could still hate school and end up with low paying jobs/jobs they don’t enjoy etc. It’d be easy to end up feeling resentful. Go part time, give them your time, keep the home in order and be more relaxed as a parent- it’s probably the best gift you can give them.

Before you make the decision go and look at your local state schools. Some are phenomenal.

In general I think that work has to give you at least two of the following

-Work life balance eg. The hours work for you, or its just up the road from the school, or the commute is handy. Maybe its that you're a teacher and having long holidays suits

-Passion, its a job who's work you believe in, or where you love the team or that you just enjoy

-Money. Money to make up for the things that you lose so things like nice holidays, comfortable living

I know my job for example is incredibly stressful so doesn't meet the work life balance, but pays well and is a job that I believe in

My partners is awful pay, but loves the job and the hours work for our needs

My sil gets paid a lot, and while doesn't like her job its self it gives her time to be home with the kids in half term etc. That's worth being in a job she doesn't really enjoy for her

I think I'd have to be 100% sure that they would be getting things at private school that was worth the stress of going full time.

[quote Pinkballoonsforaparty]@twominutesmore - I would struggle to be able to work FT if we went down the state route. I don’t particularly want to advance in my career but if an opportunity came up it would restrict me.

Also FT brings with it better pension contributions, more money even if swallowed by school fees etc.

Working full time doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be able to help with homework or have play dates![/quote]
Sounds like you've answered your own question then.

Your job isn't so stressful that you'll be working long hours or working at home in the evenings, you'll be around to do after school play dates and homework, and you are focused on your pension and other benefits. I'm not sure what the problem is now.

Is there no other alternative to private? Grammar? Very good secondary school? All the secondaries round here are very good. Ds1 and Ds2's is superb and have loads of Oxbridge candidates that they drill, interview, support, for at least a year before Uni applications. Can't you find such a good school.

It sounds as if you already have made up your mind, and in your case doing a job you dislike is preferable to sending the children to state school. I would however look at how you can either develop your current role or work towards a new role which will give you greater job satisfaction, then you can enjoy your life and your work.

I am lucky on Wedonttalkabout scale in that my job scores on all three. My salary could possibly be higher but then I would have to pay more tax and I don't feel undervalued I am still on substantially more than median wage so I am happy with that. Think about what you enjoy and work towards doing more of that.

I think we as parents have to balance our own needs sometimes .Private School doesnt suit everyone .My DDs friend didnt get on there and enjoyed going to the local(well regarded comp!)If you enjoy working PT then go with that .DD was privately tutored as well (something worth considering) and ended with a PHD! and attended the same Comp!

I haven’t made up my mind but it is reasonable to answer assumptions that aren’t correct.

The state schools are OK, I think, but I do want them to have the best opportunities possible. Realistically, the independent schools offer what the state schools just can’t, mainly the small class sizes.

On the other hand I know that I won’t have any sort of real downtime, just holidays, selfishly I’d like that.

We paid for my stepson’s secondary education, his A level results were OK, they got him into university but they weren’t spectacular. At the end of three years he failed his finals. Did an extra year and got a third. All that money we spent and it was a complete waste. We’d never do it again.

The only catty thing I ever heard my mum say was to someone sending their daughter to a mediocre private school - “You can’t buy brains”.

All that money we spent and it was a complete waste. We’d never do it again

Academic success matters, certainly, but whatever you do there is a chance that what you outline might happen.

If you follow trends, though - if you look at the general picture and not individual cases - children who attend private school do much better than their state educated peers.

And I also want going to school to be a pleasure for them and a really enjoyable experience. That’s not to say it won’t be in state school, but private appeals because of small class sizes, a visually attractive building and facilities, extra curricular options and so on.

whatever you do there is a chance that what you outline might happen

Of course. But when it’s cost you tens of thousands and you’ve made financial sacrifices, it leaves a very bitter taste in your mouth.

You seem set on sending them to private school so not sure why the aibu

@Cattitudes can I ask what job you do, if it’s not outing for you to tell me? I’m in a hours suit, pay is ok( not great as it’s voluntary sector) but I’m getting a bit bored so no passion for my work job at the moment abd looking for alternatives

@Pinkballoonsforaparty

All that money we spent and it was a complete waste. We’d never do it again

Academic success matters, certainly, but whatever you do there is a chance that what you outline might happen.

If you follow trends, though - if you look at the general picture and not individual cases - children who attend private school do much better than their state educated peers.

And I also want going to school to be a pleasure for them and a really enjoyable experience. That’s not to say it won’t be in state school, but private appeals because of small class sizes, a visually attractive building and facilities, extra curricular options and so on.

I don’t think you can look at a child’s degree results and conclude that their entire secondary school experience was a waste. My ds is very bright but doesn’t work particularly hard. He undoubtedly will not do as well as he potentially could. But he will do far better in his class of 15 than he would in a class of 30. His teachers are fully aware of what he is capable of and are pushing him to improve.

Beyond that, my ds was a very quiet boy when he started school. We sent him to an independent as we knew he would have been completely lost and overlooked in the local village school. He is now confident, outgoing and self assured. He has a real love of a particular sport which he hated when he was younger, purely because one teacher took the time to work with him. He has a great group of friends from around the world that he wouldn’t have had the opportunity to meet elsewhere. Most importantly, he is happy. Our dc have been in private since nursery and we have made sacrifices over the years but dh and I agree it has been worth every single penny.

@Hankunamatata

You seem set on sending them to private school so not sure why the aibu

In some ways I am, but what I am wondering is if what they would gain from private school would be mitigated by what I might lose by working FT until nearly 60. I’m conscious no one can answer that but me but it helps to discuss and hear different views.

I don’t think you can look at a child’s degree results and conclude that their entire secondary school experience was a waste

We do. Improved academic success was our sole reason for paying. It was a complete waste of our money. We could have cut years off our mortgage with that money.

I had parents who made sacrifices and, in the case of one of them, worked in a job they hated to send me to private school. I didn’t ask them to do it.

It meant that they were constantly obsessed with seeing return on their investment. They desperately needed to feel that it was better than sending me to state school. I was (and still occasionally am) told ‘you should be grateful, we pay for your education!’ Whenever I didn’t do well at anything, for any reason, it turned into an argument about money and I bore the brunt of their resentment and anxiety about money. And honestly, it was absolutely miserable.

All I’m trying to say is, send your kids to private school if you want to - there are loads of good reasons to do it. But try not to link your job stress and their education/achievements in your mind. Think of it as your decision and don’t get it into your head that they ‘owe’ you for it. (Not saying that you would - just saying it’s something to avoid).

@Chasingaftermidnight - what happened to you was very wrong and I am sorry you went through that. My children didn’t ask to be born. I promised them I’d do my very best for them and that’s what I plan to do. Gratitude and return not expected and nor should it be.

is it realistic to work FT in a job you dislike so much for this length of time? It's quite a hard thing to keep your concentration up do for a decade or more, to keep performing well. Guard against rusting out or burning out. Seek out new opportunities to keep your head in the game.