To work in a job I dislike for DCs?

[Pinkballoonsforaparty]

I keep going round in circles.

I’ve put ‘dislike’ in my OP, but I don’t absolutely loathe my job. I just find it stressful.

I can work PT but I also want to send DC to private school.

AIBU to work FT so DC have this opportunity?

Don't feel you ever need to justify a decision to send your children to a private school if it is what you choose to do.

There is another thread currently about why "poor people don't have aspirations".

We found that mixing with others where going to uni was the norm, various jobs/careers being normal rather than something they had heard about but had no idea about were hidden advantages in addition to those you have mentioned.

As regards working FT there is so much for them to do after school they probably would want to be there even if you were PT and available!

I went to a state grammar but there aren't grammars where we live. Private was the right decision for us. Do what you want and don't worry about what others say.

I think it gets peoples goat when posters say things like ' I want the best for my children' like the rest of us are striving for the worst for our children.

It should go without saying that is nothing wrong with working for what you perceive to benefit your own children. That's what most people do. Some people want them to have their own bedrooms or grow up in a particular area or do sports or whatever.

I think sending a child to a private school should be about you. Regardless of what result your child gets, will YOU be happy sending them to state when you could have sent them to private. It's your decision, don't make your child responsible for anything. But also don't do something that you will regret. Make the decision and then don't look back or think 'what if'.

For me - depends how bad your job is. If it's okay, I would send to private. If you loathe it, then don't.

I went to a private school. The locals schools weren’t great and I was fortunate enough to have that opportunity.

It is of course entirely dependent on both the child and school, but I loved it and felt it installed a lot into me, both academically and in terms of personal development.

@FlossMoss

I apologise if you thought my crack on was rude. I didn't mean it to be.

I said crack on as well. Not quite sure how it has been misconstrued as rude or passive aggressive.

My point was that we might disagree about whether your specific choices are worth the investment, but that we agree on doing the very best for our children, whatever we might think that might be. Don't know why that would be perceived as rude, personally.

I think you should do it if you are able to.
Mine had a great experience. They had a lot more opportunities as well as made good lifetime friends.

Is there any other job you can do that you'd like better?

I would rather work less to spend more time with my children than pay for a private school but I would also say it is pretty common to work in a job you don't like

Smaller class sizes don't improve outcomes OP unless many other factors are present

@WaterBottle123

Smaller class sizes don't improve outcomes OP unless many other factors are present

I think regardless of the exact reasons, private schools are significantly outperforming state schools.

There are a myriad of factors contributing to that and I don’t for a moment doubt that parental influence will be a contributing factor, but I don’t think it’s the only factor. Otherwise, top sets in state schools would be accessing the top grades at GCSE, and they just aren’t.

‘Crack on’ tends to be used in a passive aggressive way. ‘Well, I personally wouldn’t drive halfway across the country with no petrol in a 1991 Mini and a newborn but if you must, crack on.’ As I said, it’s unnecessary. I’ve ignored a few but it is getting a bit tedious now. I’ve been nothing but polite on the thread.

Crack on’ tends to be used in a passive aggressive way. ‘Well, I personally wouldn’t drive halfway across the country with no petrol in a 1991 Mini and a newborn but if you must, crack on.’ As I said, it’s unnecessary. I’ve ignored a few but it is getting a bit tedious now. I’ve been nothing but polite on the thread.
Not where I'm from it isn't. It just means get on with it then.

How would you feel OP if your DC’s only got ‘mediocre’ run of the mill jobs after all your years of sacrifice? Working full time in a job you dislike with no holidays or luxuries for years in order to fund their fees is no small feat. No they didn’t ask to be born but that doesn’t mean you have to martyr yourself in this way

OP, not sure what your job is, but are you certain you would find part time work less stressful? At least in my job, it's the job itself and the issues that I need to deal with that are challenging, and that wouldn't change. My colleagues who have tried part time, said it was all the same, except for less money and everybody assuming you don't care about your career. (Yes they got some time off to do housework, but I'd rather increase my cleaner's hours.)

I suppose the other question is why you hate your job. Hate it because it is boring? That might be ok. Hate it because the environment or stress-level is so toxic that it is impacting your health? That's an absolute no. It wouldn't be worth it to your children to have a parent under such stress.

Why do you hate it?

To stay in a stressful job FT would, for me, be to sacrifice my mental health.
I have no desire to be a martyr. But like a PP I also disagree with a tiered education system.
So it’s a no brainier for me.

There are a myriad of factors contributing to that and I don’t for a moment doubt that parental influence will be a contributing factor, but I don’t think it’s the only factor. Otherwise, top sets in state schools would be accessing the top grades at GCSE, and they just aren’t.

Well, some of them are.

‘Crack on’ tends to be used in a passive aggressive way. ‘Well, I personally wouldn’t drive halfway across the country with no petrol in a 1991 Mini and a newborn but if you must, crack on.’ As I said, it’s unnecessary. I’ve ignored a few but it is getting a bit tedious now. I’ve been nothing but polite on the thread.

I was nothing but polite either. Crack on just means go ahead and do what you want to do. There was nothing passive aggressive in what I said. You seem rather over sensitive to those who aren't in full agreement with you.

Do I think you're essentially working on a job that you dislike for no real benefit? Yes I do. Do I think you're unreasonable for doing this? No, because you're making the choice that you think is best for your dc, just like the rest of us.

How would you feel OP if your DC’s only got ‘mediocre’ run of the mill jobs after all your years of sacrifice?

I can honestly say I would feel nothing. I am not wanting the next Olympic gold medalist, Mozart or Einstein to emerge from this.

It could well be they leave with moderately reasonable grades - 4s perhaps - and we think, thank goodness, they could have been 2s in a different school. Or they could be the same, or better. Who knows? You can’t, which is why that you can only go on what you know at the time.

But I do know what I’d like for them. Not great genius or huge achievements or even super high powered jobs. I’d like them to attend schools that value them as individuals, where they feel happy and supported and part of a community, where they have strong friendships, develop their interests and feel a sense of who they are in the world.

I don’t want them to feel ignored, sidelined, intimidated or anxious or worried about attending school (and I realise I may be guilty of projection here.)

@Ruthietuthie I find the pace relentless and exhausting. Age, perhaps

@G5000 it is just from waking up in the morning to end of day I feel as if I am running on a treadmill a few paces above what is comfortable for me. I would value a day or two in the week to ‘recharge’ as it were. I have no plans to spend it doing housework!

Terrible quoting, sorry.

Unless I’ve missed it you haven’t said how old your children are and how far through you plan to send them. If they are primary and you’re planning on sending them all the way through to Uni, then you’re looking at making this choice for a decade? Perhaps more?

Only you can answer to whether you are prepared to stay in a job you find stressful for that long in order to send your children to private school. No one else on here can make that decision for you.

The other thing to factor in is what you would do in the event that you have a life event that makes paying private fees a challenge. I had one while my DC were mid way through private primary and despite it being incredibly hard (and stressful), I managed to keep them in as they had already suffered enough upheaval and I didn’t want to have them struggle with a school move on top of the events at home. That being said, it was really hard and it was a lot of pressure to carry. Everytime that term invoice hit I wanted to cry. And I often did.

When it came to transition from primary to secondary however, I made the decision to switch to state. Even though I could probably have continued to make sacrifices and stretch to it. I decided against it however as I didn’t want to sign up to another decade of extortionate school fees (and at secondary they really do ramp up, especially if your kids are sporty and go on sports tours etc).

I haven’t regretted my decision for a moment. My kids have settled in well. They transitioned across well. They understood why I couldn’t continue with the pressure of paying fees and that unlike many of their peers at primary, I simply didn’t have the wealth /family backing that those children had (a lot of private school fees are paid for by grandparents).

I am so much happier. I have freedom to balance my life, my needs and my happiness. I moved jobs in the past year and that was only doable because I wasn’t paying school fees. I left a job I hated, with a toxic environment to a smaller company with a phenomenal culture. I took a pay cut to do so.

This is your life. Only you can decide whether it is worth the sacrifice. For everyone person who comes on here and tells you they swear by private, you will get another saying they swear by state.

For me? I don’t regret moving mine out of private and I don’t at any level regret prioritising myself over and above private education for my DC.

Well, you’d obviously feel a lot happier if you kids were independently educated, so you should probably try and make it happen, but try and reduce costs by the devices below. But also - do go and see both state and private options in your area, talk to parents at all the relevant schools. Only this way will you get a clear idea of what is and isn’t worth paying for. You sound very in your head right now.

• save money by using a good state primary. If it’s a local indie day school (rather than a major public school) the chances are 50% if not more kids come from a state primary. Unless your kids have particular needs, the state options are poor, or you want to get them into somewhere super competitive, a private prep just isn’t necessary. Don’t fret about friendship groups, most kids change at 11

• if there is a good state 6th form, consider moving them to that at 16. You may not want to, so you have to plan to continue to pay, but for some kids it works well.

• double check your local indie options are actually better than your local state. Are there state options just as good, if you moved to a different catchment. Are there grammar schools? I agree that even if a private and state school get the same results, the kids at a good private school will get many more opportunities to broaden their education, but the operative word is ‘good’.

• check on any bursaries offered for sport or music

• check out investment plans to cover private education

• factor university fees into your planning

Are you in London OP? I am and I go round in circles too, mainly because of the stupidly polarised schooling options here and tiny expensive catchments for good state schools.

I plan to go for 11+ (both grammar and indies) then see what happens. If DC1 tries but doesn't have the brains/aptitude then we will move to a comprehensive area.

Because I dont like my job I'm not going to pay for any old private just because of small class sizes and beautiful facilities. I will pay if DC get in a good school. These top London indies are competitive and work the kids hard. I just don't know if my DC (who are neither sporty nor musical nor academic geniuses) will get in.

I plan to work FT till 50 regardless of private or state, but if state then we will have a much more relaxed time and I'll job hop a lot more.

If it was purely about academics, I probably would go down the state primary private secondary route, but I don’t want to have them settle into the local state school, make friends and then remove them from that. I’m pretty decided that whatever route we take will be all the way through, unless something big changes that.

Not London, no

Personally if you are set on it, I would do primary school in a state school if you are in a nice area. They will have local friends which will ground them and give them long term ties to the community. They will have a mum that’s there for them for at least a few days when they finish school to help with homework etc. I would reassess at high school level. This will give you time to save a bit for it too.

For what it’s worth we can well afford private school but choose not to. We live in a nice area and growing up in a community is more important to me ( I was ferried about and had no ties to anywhere as a teen /adult which affected me). I want them to mix with normal people and hopefully it will make them well rounded individuals. We spend our money on extracurricular activities and experiences and put money aside for university and future house deposits. If any issues with high schools in the future might consider private but doubt it. The most successful people I know ( inc DH) went to good state schools. I know a few privately educated people ( my self a bit included and none have set the world alight).

Just to echo pp that moving part time might not really mean that you get less stressed
I actually found it more stressful being PT as I was effectively being asked to do a similar amount of work but just got paid less
In the end, I just decided to go back to FT

| think a stressful job will be a big price to pay but only you can decide if it's worth the trade-off.

Stress ages people and it will impact your family.

Whichever route you decide to take you risk paying the piper.