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Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
TolkiensFallow · 20/02/2022 10:12

Why the fuck does he want to go to the Harvester?

SecretSpAD · 20/02/2022 10:13

Your husband is a dick. My sister and I often do similar with our father and it's lovely spend time just the three of us.

Your parents are entitled to want to spend time with their children and being an adult doesn't mean that you can't spend time with them and your brother. You will look back and treasure those memories one day.

trackerby · 20/02/2022 10:13

He wouldn't enjoy it so I don't see a problem really.

A couple I know rented a ski chalet and took all their children away for a week. No spouses or grandchildren were invited. Now that, understandably, did cause a few ripples.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/02/2022 10:14

It's not about doing everything together. My husband and I do separate things with friends and family. It's the lack of invite (well actually the specific point that he isn't invited at all!)

HufflepuffPride · 20/02/2022 10:14

I’m going against the grain here, but I’m with your DH. I also find it a bit odd. I’m single but my DB is married with a baby and there is no way my parents would exclude DSIL or my niece from any kind of family meal. It’s almost as though they are saying they don’t see your DH or DSIL and your kids as part of their family.

pictish · 20/02/2022 10:14

What about the lack of invite?

Puffalicious · 20/02/2022 10:16

@HufflepuffPride

I’m going against the grain here, but I’m with your DH. I also find it a bit odd. I’m single but my DB is married with a baby and there is no way my parents would exclude DSIL or my niece from any kind of family meal. It’s almost as though they are saying they don’t see your DH or DSIL and your kids as part of their family.
If this was every time they meet, you have a point, but this is TWICE a YEAR.
CrackerGal · 20/02/2022 10:17

OP - do they include your husband & kids in anything else?
Would you take your kids to the theatre yourself so they get that experience too?

TatianaBis · 20/02/2022 10:17

I think your DH is rather thick and very selfish. I’m not sure why you married someone who doesn’t like theatre and eating out if that’s something you like.

rogueone · 20/02/2022 10:17

Its not up to him to decide who your parents invite to the theatre. They want to take their DC out and there is nothing wrong with that at all.
How dare your DH try and prevent this from happening. I take my mum out to the theatre and for dinner. I also see my mum and sisters. It has never offended my DH , he doesnt need to be invited and I enjoy spending time with my mum and siblings on a rare occassion.

Original poster
vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 10:19

Wow so many responses. I am seriously re evaluating my relationship with my DH. We were brought up so differently and although when we met 15 yrs ago it wasn't really an issue the differences are becoming more apparent now. I got a bit emotional this morning as my dad sent me a lovely text saying what a fabulous day he had yesterday and we must do it again - he has incurable cancer - and although doing really really well he does feel he is on borrowed time. But he doesn't mean he wants nothing to do with the grandchildren or DH, just sometimes wants to spend time with his immediate family.

Thinking back 15 yrs apart from the first 2 dates my DH has never taken me out out. All comes down to the money I think. He thinks eating out and a decent wine is snobby and pretentious and always has as well as a complete waste of money - I just chose not to let it worry me but thinking about it it does and I don't want to spend the rest of my life not doing anything nice because it costs money.

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 20/02/2022 10:21

Some of these posts remind me of that Beautiful South song 'We are each other'

I don't get someone having to offer to buy a ticket to something they know the other person doesn't like and always says no to but having to ask everytime anyway so their feeling don't get their feelings hurt Confused
What a weird little game.

I think your husband is an idiot OP. He doesn't want to go to the theatre and is pretty scathing about it but can't stand the thought of you and your family going and enjoying it. So either you invite him and he goes reluctantly which would ruin the whole dynamic of the trip or you all have to go do something he wants that none of you want to do.
What a controlling, baby.

2catsandhappy · 20/02/2022 10:22

I bet it is the having to parent his own dc that is the root of this. Are his parents alive?

KissedintheDark · 20/02/2022 10:22

I think what your parents do sounds just lovely.
It's such a kind and special way to keep you 4 connected as parents and children.
Long may it last, op.

Your DH should be embarrassed to show his child like jealousy - that sort of behaviour would give me the ick.

LadyPropane · 20/02/2022 10:25

I think if your parents do also do things with their in laws and grandchildren, then it's totally fine to occasionally treat just their kids.

My DH's parents live overseas. When they come and stay we are mostly together but they will have the odd thing where they just go with DH for a proper catch up. It never even occured to me to be offended by it.

The fact that he's worked out roughly how much it costs and compared that to the cost of a meal or day out which includes him is a bit twatty. It makes him seem very selfish and greedy.

MaudieandMe · 20/02/2022 10:25

Your DH is a lazy jealous knob.

It sounds more like he doesn’t want to be left looking after the kids on his own than anything.

Saying that your parents should spend their money entertaining your whole family to a trip to a bloody Harvester is hardly comparable to an evening of Theatre and dinner afterwards.

Tell him to grow up and wind his neck in. My parents died many years ago so never got to meet my DH let alone the children. Enjoy these trips whilst you still can as you’ll miss them hugely when they’re no longer around.

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 10:26

I completely understand some posters points that being deliberately excluded from a ‘family event’ by your ILs would feel shitty.

But this isn’t a ‘family event’ or a ‘family meal’.

It is 4 adults who enjoy the theatre and fine dining spending time together.

If I like big snorkelling and my mum and dad and my brother like big snorkelling, should my DC and my DH who all loathes being wet and dirty, be invited every time we go big snorkelling?

It’s not all we do as a family - we bog snorkel a few times a year and hang out en masse at other family times…

Mellowyellow222 · 20/02/2022 10:26

Oh dear OP your husband is a selfish immature dick.

I always wonder how women find themselves in this situation- was it obvious before you married him?

sonjadog · 20/02/2022 10:28

I think he is being unreasonable. Even though you are married with children, doesn't mean you can never see your parents without them. I treasure the times I spend with just me, my brother and my mum. Sometimes it is nice just be to us again. If it were a regular thing, then I could see that it would be nice to include everyone, but a couple of times a year is nothing to complain about.

EarlGreywithLemon · 20/02/2022 10:29

I’m going to both agree and disagree. DH’s parents would never invite DH and his brother somewhere but not me and our daughter. Likewise my parents would never invite me but not DH. We come as a package. I could of course decline and so could he, but we’d always be invited and know that we are welcome.
On the other hand your husband’s reverse snobbishness about nice food and theatre is unfortunate and would annoy me. We wouldn’t drag either of our families down to theme parks and Harvesters.

Antsgomarching · 20/02/2022 10:29

Your parents sound lovely OP, I hope when Dd is an adult with children of her own that I can still take my little girl out and treat her. Your DH is just selfish, especially given your update about your dads health, these are the special memories you and your brother will cherish, he should be encouraging you to make more not cast a shadow of the time you have with your dad. Its ok for him to think its a waste of many its not ok to demand that your parents take you all to harvester or that you can’t go by yourself. Its very controlling.

Were his own parents bothered with him? I think its childcare, he doesn’t want to do it and perhaps finds it threatening that your family have different tastes, does he feel inadequate? Are you focusing on your parents instead of him right now?

EarlGreywithLemon · 20/02/2022 10:31

I meant to add - we are welcome and invited, but if either set of parents are organising we don’t dictate the activity.

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 20/02/2022 10:31

Your DH thinks your parents, who are in their 70s and not in the best of health, should spend their money taking everyone to a THEME PARK? Or to watch a kids film at the cinema? Why the hell would they do that? I presume the theatre and eating out is something they enjoy and they want to share that with their children? Nothing wrong with that at all. If your DH wants to go to a theme park he can spend his own money doing it and stop moaning about being excluded from something he wouldn’t enjoy anyway.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 20/02/2022 10:31

I think it's a real testament to the strength of your relationship with your family that these days happen - enjoy them! I did very similar with my dad when he was alive, and still see my mum for various seeing courses, theatre trips etc. regularly. I think my husband initially found our relationship unusual as it is quite far removed from his own relationship with his parents. However, once he got to know the dynamic better, he couldn't have been more on board with it. In fact, as PPs have mentioned, he enjoys having the flat to himself when I'm off with my mum.

For what it's worth, I dont think you have a parents problem that needs rectifying - it's a DP problem. You shouldn't have to change your plans because he's thrown a wobbler. Could you agree he gets a similar day out to himself, so he can do what we wants (maybe even visit his family...)?

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 10:32

my dad sent me a lovely text saying what a fabulous day he had yesterday and we must do it again - he has incurable cancer - and although doing really really well he does feel he is on borrowed time

Please treasure this time.
In my mum’s time between diagnosis and her eventual death we shared plenty of whole family events (holidays, long weekends with all the grandchildren, special meals out) and lots of time one on one or with my siblings - spa days, afternoon tea, theatre, cinema. And sometimes my DH took her to a football match without anyone else!
Make the most of every varied experience you can. Flowers