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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 19/02/2022 22:59

I was admitted to hospital ward in 2010 and the woman opposite had a man stay with her all night

Then in the morning another visitor arrived and they swapped

Turned out she was on suicide watch

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 19/02/2022 23:02

Of course other not inappropriate. You have no idea if that poor woman has had bad news or anything.Mind your business

Avocadoseed · 19/02/2022 23:04

That isn’t true, it depends on the hospital. I had my baby pre COVID and post birth partners had to leave at 9pm where I was (as they should)

I agree OP, I was having a bad time post birth on my ward and would have hated a random men there curbing the night!

jenn88 · 19/02/2022 23:04

I was kept in the maternity ward after birth because I (not baby) was unwell, I was with other new mums who came and went but all had sick babies (jaundice etc) nothing overly serious! I felt incredibly uncomfortable with husbands staying over night. my partner did not! I was woken constantly with a new born, needing very regular medication and men talking/coughing/moving all night behind a flimsy curtain!
I was not the only women on the ward to feel this way, and this was pre covid (just!!) So dads could visit for extended periods during the day making overnight staying completely unnecessary in my opinion!!
Slightly different to OP situation but I am totally in agreement with you!!!

ouchmyfeet · 19/02/2022 23:04

@RufustheFloralmissingreindeer

I think most of the problem is the absolutely shocking state of maternity wards

Cuts, lack of staff, antiquated wards etc

Yes, this. Plus the absolute entitlement of a lot of men.
Anniegetyourgun76 · 19/02/2022 23:05

You don't know the situation, there will have been a good reason he was allowed to stay, it won't be good for them but you should have been considered.

OppsUpsSide · 19/02/2022 23:06

and not special rules being made for some or anything creepy going on.

Either of those explanations wouldn’t occur to me. I sometimes wonder if I am terribly naive.

PizzaCrust · 19/02/2022 23:07

Hospitals are for patients not visitors. If nurses can't cope with patients allowing visitors to stay overnight to help out isn't the answer. It doesnt happen on other types of hospital wards for adults does it

On other wards for adults there usually aren’t two patients per bed who require care, though. If I went into hospital for a surgery (let’s say a hip replacement) on a ward of 6 other people, then the nurses there only have to look after the 6 of us. The patients themselves only have to focus on themselves and their healing. It’s a fairly straightforward situation and even if every single patient had complications, due to the nature of the surgery it’s unlikely many would be “life threatening”.

In a maternity ward of 6 women, it could be 6 women and 6 babies at the least. What if 2 mothers had twins, so that’s 14 “patients” in total? Women have to focus on their babies and themselves and in my unfortunate experience, the way maternity wards are run nowadays make visitors essential to stopping things from turning into complete chaos.

My hospital only allowed partners to stay until 9pm. This was fine, until the HCA who was on for 4 out of the 5 nights me and DD were admitted was a cold, callous bitch. This person, across 4 nights-

  • refused to help me get DD out of her cot 2 hours after I’d had an emergency c section with general anaesthetic and an epidural that was still wearing off from labour
  • never came back with formula after I asked if I could have some to feed DD
  • told me I wasn’t feeding DD enough so force fed her which meant she projectile vomited everywhere
  • scowled at me when I asked her to check DDs eye mask when she was getting light therapy as it had fell off and I wanted to make sure I’d put it on correctly so the lights wouldn’t damage her eyes
  • took my phone off my bed, which was beside my hand, and set it in the corner on the table for no reason at all (she wasn’t in to check me or DD)
  • pushed the table that had a jug of water on it into the corner as well so I’d have to get out of bed to get a drink

If there had been no visitors allowed I genuinely believe I would have been suicidal by the end of the 5 days. At least when my partner was there I could have someone help me rather than make me feel like a worthless, piece of shit mother.

I also had DD2 during the covid pandemic (at the beginning, was already 6 months pregnant when the pandemic broke), and had no partner at all from an hour after she was born. It was incredibly tough for me and I was already traumatised from the first time.

I think people making these passing statements actually have no idea how shit being in a maternity ward actually is. You get some amazing midwives but unfortunately there are a few horrendous ones who get some sort of weird kick out of terrorising vulnerable women. I don’t think men should necessarily be allowed to stay over, but certainly be there for the majority of the day. Because there are not the staff to provide safe levels of care anymore.

Onlyhuman123 · 19/02/2022 23:08

@JustAnotherPoster00

Especially since my husband was told he couldn't stay

So you're jealous that her husband could stay and yours couldn't? You'd have happily put other women in the position you're currently decrying if your husband was able to stay?

Agree. You've already admitted you didn't want your OH overnight so what's your beef? Concentrate on you and your baby not what's going on in another bay.
TricolourCat · 19/02/2022 23:08

I think all women feel vulnerable when pregnant and in hospital to some extent and I wouldn’t be happy with men staying over in the ward. The nurses should have given some explanation especially if other partners have to leave.

prediction500 · 19/02/2022 23:10

Partners were allowed to stay over on the induction ward, and this was less than 6 months ago so during Covid also.

It didn't bother me although I'd have preferred without it from a noise (snoring) perspective. It seemed pretty silly to me as most of the ladies had been there for days waiting for the induction to get going.

prediction500 · 19/02/2022 23:15

To add, partners were not allowed to stay over on the post natal ward, just the induction ward

Sleepyblueocean · 19/02/2022 23:15

"Hospitals are for patients not visitors. If nurses can't cope with patients allowing visitors to stay overnight to help out isn't the answer. It doesnt happen on other types of hospital wards for adults does it"

It does happen on other hospital wards. Some people require a carer or even two carers with them. It isn't always about there not being available hospital staff. Some people require specialist support.

CookieMunch · 19/02/2022 23:20

I wouldn’t complain yet, I would just ask about it. And If it made me uncomfortable I would ask to be moved to a single sex ward.

Bitofachinwag · 19/02/2022 23:21

It's fine for men to stay and help during the day. But they need to remember that they aren't the patient and it's not all about them. I had the man next to my bay push his chair so far back that is moved the curtain and hit my baby's cot ( several times), talked loudly on the phone for hours, use the women's toilet, hassle the staff about wanting food.

RantyAunty · 19/02/2022 23:28

You should ask if your husband can stay if you want him to.

My DH was allowed to stay with me in a sort of overnight ER area. pre covid. He wasn't technically allowed but the nurse let him as he doesn't drive. She just pulled the curtain around us and told us to be quiet.

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 23:29

Some people require specialist support

And that’s fine. Random men on maternity wards aren’t specialist support, that’s what midwives are supposed to provide. We should be making far more fuss about substandard maternity care instead of accepting it has to be provided by partners.

PeachCottonTree · 19/02/2022 23:30

@Viviennemary

Hospitals are for patients not visitors. If nurses can't cope with patients allowing visitors to stay overnight to help out isn't the answer. It doesnt happen on other types of hospital wards for adults does it.
It does if someone is seriously ill or dying.
SolidGoldBrassiere · 19/02/2022 23:31

@Viviennemary

Have these people been dbs checked. No. Its a safeguarding issue.
Feeling uncomfortable for your own reasons is one thing. Regarding someone else's husband as a safeguarding issue is a bit odd.

Most people haven't been DBS checked, because most people aren't weird abusers and don't need a certificate to prove it. I would hate to be so suspicious.

BoredZelda · 19/02/2022 23:35

Yes, this. Plus the absolute entitlement of a lot of men.

Ahh yes, all those entitled, predatory men, itching to stay the night on a maternity ward.

Cheekypeach · 19/02/2022 23:36

@Blossomtoes

Some people require specialist support

And that’s fine. Random men on maternity wards aren’t specialist support, that’s what midwives are supposed to provide. We should be making far more fuss about substandard maternity care instead of accepting it has to be provided by partners.

Agree 100%
Mickarooni · 19/02/2022 23:37

@Blossomtoes

Some people require specialist support

And that’s fine. Random men on maternity wards aren’t specialist support, that’s what midwives are supposed to provide. We should be making far more fuss about substandard maternity care instead of accepting it has to be provided by partners.

As a general rule, I am anti men on women’s wards but men can be carers and can provide specialist support for women. That said, I would hope they would try extra hard to find a side room for a woman who needed specialist care provided by a male.
BoredZelda · 19/02/2022 23:38

Most people haven't been DBS checked, because most people aren't weird abusers and don't need a certificate to prove it. I would hate to be so suspicious.

Exactly. When you’ve spent as many nights as I have lying on a z bed in a kids ward with an array of men also spending the night on that ward, you’d go nuts if you were suspicious of everyone.

ouchmyfeet · 19/02/2022 23:41

Ahh yes, all those entitled, predatory men, itching to stay the night on a maternity ward.

I didn't say predatory, I said entitled. Inconsiderate of the needs of the actual patients.

PeachCottonTree · 19/02/2022 23:41

@Blossomtoes

Some people require specialist support

And that’s fine. Random men on maternity wards aren’t specialist support, that’s what midwives are supposed to provide. We should be making far more fuss about substandard maternity care instead of accepting it has to be provided by partners.

If someone is distressed hospital staff don’t have the time or capacity to sit with one patient all night. A family member is appropriate and helpful in these situations. Even with improvements to maternity care it’s still highly unlikely 1:1 at all times would be possible.