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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 22:35

Well, I have an update:

First of all, she definitely didn't experience a stillbirth, since the heart rate of her baby is being monitored at the moment.

Secondly, I went outside to speak with a midwife. I didn't mention this particular patient, but just asked what the visitor policy is.

She said that if a woman is in established labour or is being induced, the partner can stay all night with her if he had a pcr test done.

I didn't ask anything further, I just assume this woman is undergoing induction process at the moment and that's why her partner is allowed to stay with her.

I feel so much better now knowing that this is hospital policy and not special rules being made for some or anything creepy going on.

OP posts:
Tashalady91 · 19/02/2022 22:35

Its quite common and is case by case. There could be lots of reasons why and I'd try not to compare. When admitted you go to a main ward and stay on a bay usually with around 4 beds... you only get your own room when you go down on to delivery ward and then when baby is born you go back on to another ward in another bay.

I wouldn't feel vulnerable just because he's male. Lots of male staff work on maternity and all around the hospital.

I wouldn't complain as you really don't know what's going on with those people at all.

Blue4YOU · 19/02/2022 22:37

I’ll admit I have not read the full thread.
Usually I’d agree for concern re man unknown and so on.
But - 4.5 years ago when I was due to have my DD delivered by c-section I was asked to come into the hospital the night before. My husband came with me and stayed in a chair. The other women variously did or didn’t have partners.
I didn’t think I was allowed to have my husband there because a) we knew our DD was disabled before birth and we were actually expecting her to die shortly after birth b) we’d list our only other DD to stillbirth because of a placental abruption at full term c) I was at risk of death etc.
Just tell me again what it is someone needs to know?

Mrszsh · 19/02/2022 22:38

I was put on a ward with other pregnant women to be monitored when I had trauma to my stomach. My husband was aloud to stay with as I wasn't admitted, he wouldve had to go home and come back during visiting hours if I was.

Viviennemary · 19/02/2022 22:38

A great fuss and drum beating about men in womens toilets and changing rooms but free for all in maternity wards. The man is not the patient and should not be there overnight.

RRBB1920 · 19/02/2022 22:39

My partner stayed with me in maternity hospital setting to assist communication. Easier for nurses than if I was on my own I couldn't consent i.e. as couldn't understand and treatment delayed. Not good for unborn baby. A total ban would put more expectant or new mums safety in jeopardy. 2019 and 2020 experience.

Chestofdraws · 19/02/2022 22:40

Op that makes sense, as if a woman is in Labour or shortly going to be then it’s right her partner is allowed there.

Tashalady91 · 19/02/2022 22:40

The staff are also not obliged to tell you if a male is staying. Its kinda common sense why he is there. And I'd focus on getting yourself through your labour and what's to come.

SmolCat · 19/02/2022 22:41

I expect them to inform me if a male, that isn't a patient, is staying in my room all night while I am sleeping and in a vulnerable state.
Say they had informed you. What then?

You can’t expect to be given a different ward - beds are hard to come by as it is. You shouldn’t discharge yourself. You have no power to forbid him. So say they inform you - what would you then do?

Nat6999 · 19/02/2022 22:42

My husband & mum were at the hospital for 36 hours when I had ds, they stayed from when I had been in induced labour on the ante natal ward for 24 hours to when I had emcs 36 hours later. They wouldn't even let my husband stay when the hospital was snowed in, they kicked him out when he was on crutches & could hardly walk due to MS.

FireMeetGasoline · 19/02/2022 22:44

There will be a legitimate reason why he is there, none of which is your business. This could be for several reasons. Yes, you abvvu to complain! You obviously have the right to go private in the future.

Rrrob · 19/02/2022 22:45

I haven’t rtft but saw your latest update. Maybe she is having an induction like you say. I think it’s fair to ask midwives if a) they can ask him to be quiet if he keeps you awake tonight b) if partners are now allowed in

When I had DTs during the first lockdown, no visitors were allowed at all (even on postnatal). On day 3 I had a breakdown and made the midwives take T2 (the other twin was in nicu). I had a breakdown because dd1 had died traumatically in the same hospital as a baby. The midwife in charge phoned DH and snuck him into the ward to look after me. I’m sure other women say him, and wondered wtf was going on, but there was so much more going on than it seemed at first glance.

PizzaCrust · 19/02/2022 22:46

@isthisnormal12

Well, I have an update:

First of all, she definitely didn't experience a stillbirth, since the heart rate of her baby is being monitored at the moment.

Secondly, I went outside to speak with a midwife. I didn't mention this particular patient, but just asked what the visitor policy is.

She said that if a woman is in established labour or is being induced, the partner can stay all night with her if he had a pcr test done.

I didn't ask anything further, I just assume this woman is undergoing induction process at the moment and that's why her partner is allowed to stay with her.

I feel so much better now knowing that this is hospital policy and not special rules being made for some or anything creepy going on.

I don’t understand your last paragraph.

“Anything creepy going on”, what went on last night that was “creepy”? Surely his behaviour last night and tonight will be exactly the same, except it wasn’t okay last night and it is okay tonight? He’s still there so if his presence has upset you then it should still continue to upset you, surely?

Ultimately it comes down to the fact that you were annoyed this man was allowed to stay and yours wasn’t. That’s why you’re “okay” with it now. But you should really just say that rather than pretending it was because he was a creepy predator who was going to do something untoward.

EllaB22 · 19/02/2022 22:47

I am glad you asked OP and hope this helps you settle. Take care!

Bitofachinwag · 19/02/2022 22:48

That would annoy me too. People should be quiet at night time so others can sleep. So inconsiderate.

zeg3885 · 19/02/2022 22:48

Like others have said there’s probably a valid reason he’s been able to stay. I think your right to be upset, they don’t have mixed sex bays in the wider hospital. They should’ve told you this was happening to check if you were okay with it and if not they should have made other arrangements (for either of you).

Mickarooni · 19/02/2022 22:49

@Viviennemary

Hospitals are for patients not visitors. If nurses can't cope with patients allowing visitors to stay overnight to help out isn't the answer. It doesnt happen on other types of hospital wards for adults does it.
It happens on all sorts of wards. Patients with an advanced cognitive impairment, learning disability or severe mental illness may well need 1-2-1 care which hospitals are unable to provide. The care then has to be provided by family or paid agency care staff (e.g. from a care home). It’s an issue if it’s a man, for example, who is in hospital and was in a care home and the care home can only provide a female care worker because the majority of care workers are female.
yikesanotherbooboo · 19/02/2022 22:51

We don't know why this situation arose but it is fine to point out to the staff that a man on the ward made you feel uncomfortable.there may be a good reason but surely they should then be in a side ward.
I'm quite old fashioned about this but I think visitors should be minimised in all hospital settings and particularly over night on opposite sex wards.

CustardySergeant · 19/02/2022 22:52

"I feel so much better now knowing that this is hospital policy and not special rules being made for some or anything creepy going on."

What do you mean by "anything creepy"? Confused

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 19/02/2022 22:53

You did right to ask OP

There have been a number of similar threads with some horrific stories so I’m glad you are reassured

Hope it all goes well for you 💐

Tothemoonandbackx · 19/02/2022 22:54

You literally know NOTHING of her situation, or his, it's not your business to know either, its to do with them and the hospital. Get over yourself!!!!!!!

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 22:55

Usually, a man and a woman are involved in the production of a child. Why should one of them be barred from the place of birth?

Because men don’t give birth. They’re not the patient and, other than for the birth, they don’t need to be there. I’m sure maternity wards were much nicer places at the height of the pandemic when they were excluded.

sanbeiji · 19/02/2022 22:55

@yikesanotherbooboo

We don't know why this situation arose but it is fine to point out to the staff that a man on the ward made you feel uncomfortable.there may be a good reason but surely they should then be in a side ward. I'm quite old fashioned about this but I think visitors should be minimised in all hospital settings and particularly over night on opposite sex wards.
I agree. There should be strict rules, if they're there they shut up and make themselves invisible. Other patients FIRST
Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2022 22:56

"If you’re so worried that a possibly traumatised father to be is going to harm you, ask your partner to stay with you."

  1. She's not allowed to have her partner stay.
  2. Not every pregnant woman has a partner or a male partner.
NeedAHoliday2021 · 19/02/2022 22:58

When my friend’s baby had a life limiting condition discovered at the scan her dh stayed with her pre birth while she was monitored. It was a very sad time and sending him home, leaving her their alone with that news would have been utterly heartless.

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